things lately (a Christmas post)

hey guys. hope you're having a merry Christmas. a semi-random post to keep you guys updated on things going on. my sister is getting married in a week; the next week, some Church friends who helped me grow a lot last year are getting married; then, San Francisco for the Epic West Coast Conference, and back to school after missing a day of classes, getting back right in time for some CRU.

lately, i've been able to keep up running, despite the cold. i've been out three days straight, feeling good, and today, i managed to go strong for a little more than an hour. there's also been a lot of grace to be able to pray as i run and kind of be stilled, to get away and be sober. i'm not sure what's been going on exactly, but i have been able to be a bit more centered around God lately. today, i don't feel so good, but...it's still happening. just being able to pray and do quiet times and be grounded and have that deeper consciousness. i read a little devotional like thing a couple of days ago that asked the reader to examine one's motives for doing so.

i guess i realized some unhealthy and questionable things going on and have actually been sorta able to go back to the core of my faith. asking myself more and more, "how can i serve God in this action?" and knowing that i am not living for myself, but asking "how can i glorify God - and glorify Him in a way that i am not seen?" there's a song we used to sing in church like three or four years ago about surrendering and one of the verses mentions something about wanting to serve God in secret and not to be noticed at all. i still don't think i can sing that in my heart. there are a lot of motives that get in the way.

i also heard a sermon from a guy Francis Chan (http://www.cornerstonesimi.com/getasermon) talking about how we won't be married forever. it was the first time i had really heard anything like this. it got me thinking again about how we will appear before God with everything stripped away - strip away the friends and the possessions and the accomplishments and music and hype and even a spouse - and you're left with just your heart, and i want to be able to say that i am passionate for Him, that i didn't go after anything but Him, that i didn't trade away my inheritance for a bowl of soup or for something that gets stripped away.

man. i don't really know what to say. sometimes i just feel so lonely. two of my mom's sisters flew in today. more tomorrow. they're fun to be around, because they can find anything to laugh about together. but my mind wasn't really in the right spot. even now, my heart feels like it's about to explode. goes back to unhealthy motivations. i want to be in a hotel in San Francisco, laughing with Andrew and everyone again. i am pretty glad it's break though. i don't think i could go through a day of school. next semester might be bad or really easy, whether i stick with 15 or hours or push 18. [i wanted to log in 3 formal hours of prayer a week in college when i wrote myself a letter over the summer, and i don't think i've even gotten a single hour for a single week.]

also, i'm looking for an excuse for Epic at OU to go around for some length of time speechless, with tape over our mouths. i really want to do this, and part of it just has to do with not talking. i think it'll make a difference, help us to listen, help us to be still. i think i've seen demonstrations like that against rape and abortion, but i honestly don't feel like getting Epic to back that up. maybe something about religious tension and saying that everyone has a voice that deserves to be heard. if you have any ideas for causes, please comment them. i don't know what we could get behind, but i would really love an excuse to get a group together and go around for a while with tape on our mouths.

maybe we could get t-shirts that say "have you heard your heart today?" and something like "OU EPIC" and a verse on the back, and then just have a strip of duct tape on our mouths. you know what would be gutsy? "have you heard God today?" that would be so unbelievably gutsy.

maybe i'll muster the energy and go read a book or something :) there's a pretty cool band called Ruth, whose first cd was titled "Secondhand Dreaming." nothing like a little dreaming to feel a little better. or some food. maybe i'll go eat something too and sit down to a little literature.

hope everyone's doing all right. today is a good day.

self-rant and thanks

haven't i been here before?

i hurt enough people, the scars are still nightmares i relive. i don't feel like i have a single relationship with a girl that i can be proud of. everything seems defiled, broken, wrong.

i let a girl come before God. i fell in love with physical touch and sensuality, i denied God for it. i've let myself be defined by a girl before, more so than God. let myself feel the way she saw me, let myself be affirmed by her. i know what it feels like to invest too much emotionally, in unhealthy ways. i know what it feels like to think about a girl more than God. i know what it feels like to use God as a facade to get to a girl, and i know how things spiral out of control so fast, a stumbling block to both me and her.

how foolish can i get? how wrong can i be?

---update and thanks---

just here in tulsa. a little boring, but good. took a long run (well....long considering i haven't been running) on Riverside, ate and played music at church, new guitar strings, which i'm sorta pumped about, and basketball, a party, and Bedlam tomorrow. it's nice being back home, but i find myself waiting until i can get back to Norman and have more to do. i don't know why it feels that way. waking up at OU, i seem to have so much more of a drive than i do here.

big thanks about my dad, for anyone following the story of my life. he's been put on new meds, and i was almost certain, along with my mom, that'd be headed towards a group home in Vinita. my mom even went to go drop him off, but she wouldn't leave him there due to the conditions or something, so he came back home. but lately, he's actually been different, and when he tells me he's been getting better, i have an easier time believing it because i actually see it in him. we actually sit down and have conversations and when we go out to lunch, he even comes. he is more involved, even if only in small steps. he's been taking his meds lately, and it's been working, i guess. praise God though, not the meds. He has provided and shaped my dad's heart, He has made our family the way that it is, He has kept things from ultimately breaking. He has restored, revived, resurrected.

thanks to be back in Tulsa, for my best friend Billy being back as well. thanks for long runs and great weather, getting to drive a car around, late nights in the dark typing on a laptop, a loving family, great friends and great memories, and a greater God. let me have no complaints. contentedness, satisfaction, and yet an increasing hunger and desire and pursuit for a living God. His glory is from everlasting to everlasting, so much so that the angels continue to praise Him and will never get to the end of His praise, to the limits of His majesty.

thanks to rooming with Phong, laughs with Jojo, basketball with the guys, Tuesday nights with CRU, basketball nights with friends, music with Yellow Fever, and even tutoring with DLC. thanks to coffee for helping me get through the day, being at OU and no other place but OU, all the great memories i've shared with my youth group and high school friends, all the great things yet to come that are filled with promises and challenges and trials, and thanks that the promises are greater than the challenges.

the day before Thanksgiving thoughts

weather like this and being back in tulsa make me feel like taking a shower and going to Panera to write and listen to their jazz music. things haven't really been rocky, i guess they've been pretty smooth. i'm slacking a little in my classes and hanging out more. i feel like i'm a pretty strong believer in not leading multiple lives. i used to live a triple life, split between home, school, and church. to me, i guess i want to be as sincerely and genuinely me wherever i go, and i don't see why someone shouldn't be able to get to know the real me.

here are some things i feel like i've been learning about myself lately, and some random thoughts as well:

i have a very hard time laughing at myself.

when asked what was my most embarrassing moment, i couldn't answer. certainly, i've done stupid things, even stupid things in public. but i still don't know how to answer. what is embarrassing? ashamed to be yourself? one of the passages i've been coming back to over the past year since i first read it says to boast in your weakness and insecurity and imperfection, that God is strong in our weakness.

i have a hard time being social...i am mostly dependent on the other people i am interacting with. i'm not exactly antisocial, but... i don't know what it is. but it's probably me. maybe i do not count others worthy of my interest...in which case, that sounds downright awful.

i have a large fear of not fitting in or belonging.

i feel like i live in the shadows of my father and sister.

my lethargy in school has gotten stupid. i really need to step up my game.

we all do things. i guess the question is, do you find God in that thing? are you moved closer to Him, do you see Him in it, do you feel His freedom or His love in it? in everything we do, we move towards or away from Him. stagnancy isn't possible. you can't seal up your salvation one day and then just coast through the rest of life - it's a daily battle.

i am desperate for new guitar strings. it's been nearly a year since i changed my strings out. i am a little at odds with playing worship though. i'm not sure what i'm really doing when i play sometimes, and i don't mean the music.

i hung out with a group of people these past couple of days. we went dogwalking and hung out and played music and basketball. it was a lot of fun. i feel like it's somewhat distracting for me though. i don't seem to pray as much or be focused on Him as much when i hang out with them. i still have that fear that i don't fit in or feeling like i'm the odd one in the group, the black sheep, or perhaps the elephant in the room. it's these guys and my old youth group in Tulsa where i feel at home. and CRU, somewhat.

watch out (die another day)

watch out. i'm going to go for broke. once again, my heart begins to tear at me, perhaps not from the inside out, but from the outside in. Jesus talked about this in Matthew. it isn't what man eats that makes him unclean or defiled on the inside... it's not what goes into a man, but what comes out of him that makes him unclean or defiled. well, i'm tired of being shaken so easily.

i'm tired of all of these thoughts bombarding me, and i'm not going to lie down and let them bury me alive. i'm going to go for broke again. i'm going to run that race that isn't supposed to be possible. by God, i'll run it, and i'll fall apart, but you better hold me back because i'm not quitting.

too often this has happened, where i'll fall apart and stay down. not tonight. i'm going to die another day, but this day belongs to God, and i'm going to give my all. i'm going to be undignified about it, uncomposed, exposed. do you see my weakness? i won't deny it. why would i? God is strong in it. read 1 Corinthians 1. God rather prefers me broken and weak and small. i'm a no one by anyone's standards. but the kingdom of heaven is mine. i'll thirst for righteousness and be jealous for correction, i'll be zealous for emptiness. and i'll be filled.

God, make me strong in You. lift me up by Your righteous right hand, make me strong in Your promises. make me to recognize beauty, to see that i am so sustained, so loved, so held by You. who should i fear? what should i fear? my deepest desires and dreams are known by You. my deepest scars and pains are healed by You, my hardest questions and doubts and frustrations answered by You. the weakness of my faith has not turned You away, but You have loved me and hated my sin, intolerated it, despised it. You will set me free from it because it is not pleasing to You, but i have been made pleasing in Your eye, in Your very image, and i am known by You though i am small. make me new in You, make me to sing a new song.

all my thoughts, all my heart belong to You. there is no one, no other name by which i am saved. there is no other one who cares, who sees, who loves past convenience and inconvenience. You have loved past inconvenience, to the extent of a love that does not make sense, that we cannot even comprehend. it is so great, it is even described with dimensions - oh, that we might know the height and the depth and the width of Your love. that we may begin to fathom the unfathomable, to grasp the incomprehensible. that we may be blown away by You.

i won't stop tonight. i want to max out until it is clear i am given to a greater thing to be myself. i want to be able to say i gave as much as my heart could take. not tonight am i going to lie down and complain. be valiant for truth. fight for it.

response to 11/9/08 lesson

hey guys. i kinda wanted to add something to what Mr. Morris talked about on Sunday, but i didn't have a chance, so i guess i'm going to say it here.

do you remember what he said about what would happen if you took away all of Bill Gates' money? he would probably be able to get most of it back, just based on the way he thinks. i think it's a pretty common story for entrepreneurs... they make money, and even if everything ends up falling apart, they are able to take a step back, look at things, start again, and get their money back. for Bill Gates, he has a lot of riches and blessings, but it also has something to do with his mindset and his heart.

mr. morris mentioned how it was like our external circumstances shouldn't control our internal circumstances - how we think, how we act. you can take someone's riches away, and how they respond will most likely tell you something about their heart. in a walk with God, everyone eventually screws up, and you see this time and time again even in the people that Jesus called to walk with Him or with David in the Bible or our own lives - what matters is how we act after we have fallen, what we do when things get tough.

so the problem isn't always exactly the circumstances, and the focus isn't exactly on the circumstances either. it's where your heart is. things can be great and you can be dead inside, and you can come alive in the storm.

the problem isn't solely the circumstances, though it is oftentimes the excuse. [you can't really do whatever you want just because you have a bad day. there's such a thing as anger management.]

so with youth group, the circumstance of leadership isn't the sole problem. we had mike, and it was like we had a fortune. take him away, and will we just crumble? if you want to get something out of it, it will sometimes have to flow out of your own heart. one random Saturday night this past summer, i talked to Billy and we both agreed church had been sorta stale, and we agreed to pray and to say that, even if nothing happened, we were going to be looking for God to move. we were going to be looking for Him just like we looked for Him when we went to Acquire the Fire or Michigan. and we did. it was difficult, but we saw God, by His grace.

i guess it's pretty clear that circumstances help and hurt - when circumstances are good, things will be going well, and vice versa. when we had mike, things were obviously easier. now that we have mr. morris, things are obviously a bit tougher. that doesn't mean you replace mr. morris with someone else who makes everything easier for you. but if you say, "i'm only going to start enjoying youth group when we have a new person in charge" or "i'm only going to start listening when we talk about something more than salvation," the attitude of your heart is in the wrong, and it's dependent on the circumstance. as long as it's God he's preaching, can there really be anything wrong with it?

then the question might be why or how long you should keep yourself in a circumstance that may only hurt. and i guess i would respond by saying that i think we should listen to God, to find something like God-sufficiency, rather than self-sufficiency or church-sufficiency or youth-pastor-sufficiency. be completed by God - the point of everything is relationship with God, more so than comfort or convenience. if God keeps you at TCCC, even if you are reluctant - well, you should follow God and you go where He leads you. as followers of Christ, we should follow Christ, and we should be willing. if God moves you to a different church, who are any of us to argue with God? the most any of us can ask is that you are right with God.

i love having everyone together at church. i love the community that we have and the bonds that have been formed through the years...the parties we've had, the music we've played, the laughs we've shared. but it's not worth it if we miss out on God. we must be right with God.

and if God moves you to take an active role in the youth group, then take it. you'll be rewarded. but don't take your eyes off Him. don't move out of selfishness, but glorify God in all things.

thanks for reading, take care :)

nothing's going to ruin today

hey guys. it's been a while since i've been up here. part of it is just that i write posts and just save them as drafts because i feel like my writing has been very jumbled lately, and part of it is just that i've been sorta consumed by school and ministry. there have been a whole bunch of ups and downs lately, but i think that there is consistently an overflow of grace. i feel like i get lifted up so easily, like God is really blessing me despite my bursts of unfaithfulness and disobedience.

i really felt like sharing because i felt like i heard from God today. things had been going kind of badly. my mom's van broke down and i guess our financial situation is tighter than i thought (and i'm kind of ignorant about money), and my dad was in the hospital for a little over a week two over the past two weeks. that's pretty much the whole story. things have been going kind of bad, and i started feeling a lot more pressure to make good grades and get scholarships and internships and really get my act together.

i spent Sunday night and Monday being mad and sad at things, and skipped my math class because things just seemed terrible. i went and talked to the Asian American student life director at OU, and he sorta helped me out and prayed for me, and i held up until the end of work. for some reason, i came back and lounged for a while, but then things started going bad again. i went and played basketball at the Huff and got madder and madder as i played. i played recklessly and was a bit of a jerk.

i walked back to the dorms at about 1 or 1:30 and managed to pray a little. after hearing what's been going on with my family, it has been pretty challenging trying to keep praying and to keep saying "Blessed be Your name." i was still wondering, though, what it was that i was supposed to be doing, after what had happened with my family.

tuesday morning came and i woke up still pretty frustrated. the weather was great. after my first class, the wind was heavy and the leaves were blowing around, so it was only natural to go for a run. i went and ran at the track for the first time this year with a new pair of shoes. turns out that they really started hurting my arches, so i ran on the infield barefoot for a while. at the end, i just sorta stood there, stretching, feeling the breeze around me, and it just sorta felt like God said that He was going to give me a good day, so i should enjoy it. i don't know how i got that in my head, but i sorta believed it.

i sorta felt like i could have become depressed if i wanted to. i could have let the pressures pile up and gotten mad at everyone around me, or i could have really tried to have a good day again. i felt like God was sorta giving me a gift - the blessing of a good day. and so i took a shower, felt really cool walking around campus, and felt like my heart really was being blessed with peace which surpasses understanding (Philippians 4:6-7). i felt really good, like nothing was going to ruin today, and - it didn't really make that much sense.

so that's what happened. i feel like a lot of people were praying for me, and that blessed me a lot, and that God really gave me security with Him. as i was asking what i should be doing in response to what has been going on with my family, i sorta felt like i should be filled with joy and hope, as a light. let it be contagious.

so, that's a praise. God gave me things to be happy about. weather was awesome, we had a pretty nice Bible study as well, good time at Campus Crusades, even some good grades. um, so i really can't complain. praise be to God... i enjoyed today. let me be drawn closer to You, no matter what happens. You are good and You know what You're doing..

no eloquent words for today

feeling anxious, like there is stuff to be done and yet i can't muster the energy or focus to start on anything. i feel like it should be the appropriate time to start reading a book or studying or doing homework, or even sleep since it's 1 am and there's a test waiting for me at 9. nevertheless, i guess i'm up here one more time to share my thoughts with the world.

things have been going pretty well lately. in fact, the past two days, i even woke up before my alarm went off - and i don't think i'm getting more than 6 hours of sleep a night. so i actually get out of bed and go to class on time, wrestling with my thoughts as i ride my bike across campus and trying to pray before i have time to regret something. the grace has been extraordinary, and, for some reason, things just seem to flow and to be at ease and peace.

---

when we were in Missouri for the labor day retreat, i jotted down some thoughts that were similar to the following: if God exalts the lowly and weak to take down the strong, why do we want to be strong on our own strength? if God came to call the brokenhearted to relationship with Him, why do we feel like we must have everything together? if God is interested in who we truly are, why do we feel the need to be something more? if God's power will rest on you in your weakness, and if His grace is made perfect for you in your weakness, why do we do everything we can to try to convince ourselves and the world that we're not weak?

are we really falling apart at the seams? are we drowning in a world of distress and chaos? are we addicted to comfort and success, popularity and grades? are we addicted to caffeine or the hype it gives us? are our addictions and refuges really just facades to cover what's really going on in our hearts, our cries to be held and moved and to be part of something greater, to experience something that would make you and the world stop in wonder and awe, that would undeniably justify you forever?

i've been reading more and more a book called Changes That Heal, by a guy surnamed Cloud, and in it, he starts talking about boundaries and how knowing who you are - your desires and passions and thoughts and gifts and dislikes and priorities - knowing these things shape who you are and allow you to set boundaries.

so i guess here's my attempt at things that i like and long for:

i want to be respected, held and loved, understood, accepted. i like playing basketball, the piano, and the guitar. i am usually sorta busy, but i think i like it that way. i like being involved and knowing a lot of people. i want good friends who i can be tired around and just be myself, friends who are good conversationalists and won't make me overthink everything. i want to be pleasing to God and to do His work. i want to be a part of some kind of movement, to actually make a difference in the world around me. i like traveling and California and Texas and northern America. i want to bike America sometime, because i think that would be a true road trip.

i enjoy running. sometimes i feel like my thoughts are so vicious, and i think things might be better if i had someone to rebuke me and tell me that i don't know all the things i think i do. i jump to conclusions a lot, sometimes harmful, and give myself a hard time when i judge people, but i still can't seem to help myself. three or four years ago, the single characteristic i wanted to have was to be humble.

i totally buy into the Starbucks coffeeshop culture; i don't know what i want to do in life. i also thought i would end up as a programmer, software engineer type of guy. based on what really drives me, it almost seems like i should go into ministry. i wish i could get something published, but i seem to be too lazy. whenever i look back on things i've written, some of it seems so messy and incoherent. i actually enjoy physics and programming and math. sometimes i think i think too much. i'm pretty introverted, but i'm pretty lonely at times.

i like going to the union late at night, getting something to eat, and doing my homework or reading a book alone. i usually don't skip my classes, and i want to give my best to what i do. i am pretty self conscious, and i don't have that much self esteem, but i think i'm getting better. i don't know how gifted i really am. i enjoy running a lot, but the only reason i have to run is for God and for me. i'm not fast enough to run because i'm fast, and i think that's a good thing.

i'm pretty sensitive. i want to think i make sense and that i can relate to people. i've started tutoring for about a month now, and it shows me that i'm not as good of a communicator as i thought i was. i need to stop watching the Office because it is like relational pornography to me. i do things in secret no one would expect, and so i am all the more in the wrong if i try to reserve a right to judge others (knowing i am just like them, if not worse).

--added later--

i love going to airports, retreats, and conferences, because it seems to make me feel important, like i'm going somewhere or i'm part of something bigger than myself. i find that i express myself pretty well with music, and i find that i vent well with running. for most of my life, i have tried to avoid conflict at all costs. i have good friends and a good family, and i have a good God. i can't really complain about anything, because i feel like God has breathed life into me over the past two months. i have some great friends, and i've experienced Godly community in tremendous, life changing ways.

if God asked me to do something, i don't know if i would hesitate or not, but i pray that i wouldn't, that i would count everything else rubbish compared to knowing Him. 2 Corinthians 10 talks about capturing every thought for obedience to Christ, and i pray that would really happen. [i don't know if i'm going anywhere with this]. i guess i pray for the heart.

---

hope you guys are doing well. i am blessed with getting to go back to Tulsa this weekend and getting to lead youth group. if you read this in time, please pray for that as well. please also pray for an epic movement across OU, this generation, and this nation. wherever i go, let me keep saying that no one can see me - they must see God. and may i say again, that i want to do something dangerous for His name. thanks guys, catch you later/around

a short about music and worship

i have been pondering between the difference between Christian and notChristian music lately. maybe it's an idea that we ourselves are instruments to God, but it just seems that a Christian band should be so much more different than a nonChristian one, more different than just the lyrics of the songs.

one of the leaders in my church once said that the very ones who didn't need to be in the front of church playing music to justify themselves should be the ones up there. the ones who needed to be up there to say something about their identity shouldn't exactly have been up there.

and so, i guess what i am trying to say is that a worship leader takes focus off oneself and puts it on God. a worship leader doesn't need to be up there and doesn't need to be seen. he doesn't need the hype or even the response of a crowd to find his justification in Christ. the result is that you don't go to a concert and just sing along. the result is that you yourself experience worship together, you join the body, you sing incredible and beautiful things and God oh-so-wonderfully moves sometimes.

---

i want to run like crazy again, both literally and figuratively. i want that higher calling again, that thing bigger than myself, i want it so that everything in me - everything i have and am - is committed and devoted to Christ. i want to be able to be steadfast, to push through hard times and even learn how to enjoy them, and to enjoy the good times, counting it all blessing and privilege. i want to run and come alive, to trade away my ashes for His beauty, my sin for His righteousness, as He has already made the exchange.

my friend had a vision that had to do with me, and that to begin with is really kind of crazy for me to hear. but then, i heard the vision and it really does seem to have a scary relevance about it, a frightening significance. and i don't really know how to respond, but - wow - the truths that could be involved are unbelievable.

anyways, i started talking about music, because i think it such a beautiful thing to see worship. to see people worship, to see Christian bands playing with both their instruments and their lives. there's a band called Hillsong that's actually going to be in Oklahoma City on Sunday. there's just an image that's been imprinted in my mind since i saw it on a poster years ago - it was a picture of one of the guitarists with his hands off of his guitar, lifted into the air in surrender. images like this - of people who kneel before God or raise their hands in worship of God, who don't put on a show but actually take themselves out of the picture and allow themselves to be humbled, to be forgotten by this world - images like this simply resonate and make me think that this is what life should be.

i bring this up because i have really tried to emulate that kind of worship posture sometimes. i want to get to the point where i lift my hands from my guitar and worship God and feel something happen to my heart, like an emptiness filled, like a weight of love refusing to relent. i want that again, to be so convinced and consequently moved with the conviction of His love for me.

i need You

I need You so much closer

For some reason, hopefully by conviction and Godly sorrow, the true work of grace in life, I feel so in need of Christ. Like life will truly fall apart without Him. He’s the only One I want to be holding onto, the only One that matters now, and when I say now, may I truly mean for all of eternity.

I need You so much closer, and nothing less than You. Nothing else will do.

I feel like I know what David was talking about when he was so emotional about his enemies being after him, that he truly needed God for protection. If he didn’t have God, it was so clear that he wasn’t going to make it through the day, and he counted it blessing every time he woke up, because that meant that God had preserved him in that time, had guarded his heart. I feel like there really is so much waiting to grasp at my life, to pull me down, and I want to make it clear – I need God. There’s nothing else I need, and I don’t even know how much I need Him.

A guy I met said that he didn’t think it should matter what people professed they believed – he thought what really mattered was what we do, and the way we live our lives. But if things are based on what we do, then why do we need God? If God only helps those who help themselves, if God only helps people who are pure and perfect or at least headed in the right direction with their desires and motives, then why do we need God?

All of life boils down to needing God. All of life boils down to knowing God.

And perhaps it is this urgency, this actual weight on my heart that I can feel that will change the way I live. It seems as though it has been so long since I have truly needed God with my everything, when I truly let Him have me in the sense that I needed Him with everything. Every single part of me, every aspect of my life, needs Him or else I will fall to pieces. I don’t want to allow myself to fall to pieces. I don’t want to allow myself to fall away from this.

It seems so long since I cried to God. It seems so long since I lived like I need Him. The classes and days go by and I still try to save face, I allow myself to be consumed by pursuits for grades and girls and acceptance, and what do I really need? What am I saying that I need? May I say now that I need You so much closer.

Words can’t come close to say what You’ve given me, how in need of You I am. All I can do is hope to say it enough that it might begin to communicate such desperation, such radical dependence. Nothing else satisfies, no One else can redeem me from this cycle of worthless pursuit, this law of sin and death. Will I look back on my life and see that, throughout the years, I have piled up rubbish? Or will I look back and see that I lived in dangerous desperation, and God touched me and responded because there was nothing else that I was after… only Him.

who i was on 9/19/08

i don't think i can sit here and type and pretend that things are going all right. i guess i'm in a world of confusion, about a lot of things. i don't feel like i'm confidently, wholeheartedly following Christ. i really do feel so alone sometimes. i almost pledged for an Asian fraternity...they had a rush event, and i went and there was a guy there named Tony and he seemed so cool and understanding... he simply occurred as someone to talk to. and i know that's the way things are supposed to be like with God (like it's refreshing to pour your life into Him), but we weren't created to solely be with God, but to be with one another as well, like different members in a body.

i felt like crying today. i managed to get thoroughly stressed over a programming project, fell to sexual immorality, listened to a sermon about God loving us even when we were sinners, then fell to sexual immorality again, and it's 4 in the morning right now. i feel alone.

and i'm supposed to be the person who is sold out to Christ. in fact, i need myself to be that person, as much as i need others around me to be sold out.

there's this girl i like so much, but she's going out with another guy, and...well, i saw her today and spent a little bit of time with her for the first time in a while. we didn't talk though...we just sat and did homework in silence (since i had that big programming project due). the whole time that we sat in silence, i couldn't shake the feeling that i was a failure, a loser. i couldn't shake the worry that she would be saying, "i'm glad i didn't pick him. look how this other guy is so much better than he is." that's about all i that about.

Joshua Harris (author of several Christian dating books) might say (and perhaps say too sternly in my mind, though Joshua Harris probably wouldn't do that) that i should just find contentment in God right now and then wait for someone special to walk into my life. like i should almost shut off my affections and desires for relationship. i wrote a letter to myself on July 19th or so and said one goal i had was that i wanted to just be friends with this girl - just friends - and not worry about serious relationships for a while. i wanted to stay single this year. but this takes up so much of my thought space, and i don't seem to let it go.

she made me promise last school year that, no matter what happened, we would stay friends. i promised. Jon Foreman, the lead singer of Switchfoot, came out with somewhat of a worship CD, in which one of the songs is called Your Love is Strong. after the girl started going out with another guy, all i could do was feel hurt, and after a couple of times being around her this school year, i just wanted to say "my love's not strong enough to stay friends." i was praying that she would have Godly people around her that would push her on towards faith, who could guard her heart... and i wondered if i might be one of those people. i don't know. all i wanted to do today was run away.

or maybe all i wanted to happen today was for someone to stop me, look me in the eyes, and tell me "i see you." and they would see signs of brokenness, signs of love and excitement and hope, and still, signs of fatigue and depression and confusion and pain. signs of a calloused heart, signs of fond memories of the past, signs of isolation. maybe they would see someone great, maybe they would see someone with a lot of potential but bad work ethic, maybe they would see and love regardless. maybe they would touch my heart and, instead of shattering to pieces, it would solidify and be soft again, be new again. fragility replaced with firm foundation, beauty for ashes. my heart feels like ashes.

they would see that i try to try hard, but it doesn't always get reflected with my grades. they would see that sometimes i slack in my faith, i take my eyes off God and turn my back on Him. they would see the things that no one sees, know the things no one knows about me, even the things i don't know about me. they would see into me in a way that i wouldn't be able to see myself, marked by voices of discouragement and self-criticism. and i'm not talking about God seeing into me necessarily - believe it or not, i'm talking about people. i want to be seen, i want to be close to someone, i want to be seen for who i really am. i want to be known for my vulnerability and brokenness - i don't want to be known for having things together. i'd rather be the problem child, the guy who has problems and overcomes and then has more problems and has to trust God more and more, has to give everything to God because there's absolutely no other way he can survive and absolutely everyone can see that he's not going to make it through the day if he decides he's going to live for himself.

it's 4:20 am and i know i'm going to be in trouble when i'm supposed to wake up in a little less than 5 hours.

jeremy camp has a song called Empty Me, and i feel a little like that right now. i just want to be emptied. take the pain, take the pride, and everything else i try so hard to conceal from You. take the beautiful, take the ugly, take everything i am. clean off my mind, my heart, my soul. shatter my pride, don't let me wander. deliver me from temptation. don't be silent, please don't be silent. i'm not asking for a good day. i'm asking for You.

long time draft turned post #1

it's almost 3, and i know i'll be feeling that pain 6 hours from now when i wake up, but someone nearly asked for a post, so i'm going to give it. and though i feel like writing something profound and intriguing, i'm not sure i have anything deep and intriguing so far.

going through school - it's only the fourth week, and i feel like i'm beginning to struggle. the days pass by and i allow myself to be late to my classes again. all i do is try to get by - time moves too hard, and i feel as though i begin to lose control. i follow the motions and do as the world would have me do... i miss out on the day. i spend the week working so that, in the end, i might get to work some more at a higher level.

one of my friends from youth group messaged me a couple of days ago saying that she was having a hard time getting through high school - it was just too much homework, too much to do. and i could really say that i felt the same way, and the only way i got through it was looking forward to youth group on Fridays and Sundays. that was the one thing i looked forward to throughout the week, and it actually made the difference. i could get through the entire school week just waiting for Friday night when we would get together again; there were school weeks when i could feel so close to Friday night on Wednesdays. youth group events like conferences and lock-ins could excite me for weeks in advance and leave me buzzing for weeks afterwards. about a month before going to Mexico City for my first mission trip, i was going through a rough time - and just the simple idea of going to Mexico City was enough to pull me out of that frustration and excite me. i had progressed from the joys of fellowship to the joy of worshiping God to the joy of living with God - it was God 24/7 those two weeks in Mexico.

---

i realize i fail as a representative of Christ. even my heart fails, my desire to know God seems to fail. time and time again, i send another nail through His body into the cross, i sell Him out for some money and a quick satisfaction, a bowl of soup in exchange for the inheritance of an eternal, unshakeable kingdom. if you saw what i did in secret, you would shake your head and say "you're not Christ like." if you saw the grade i made on my computer science project due tonight, you might stop and wonder whether i truly am who i say i am.

there's a myth that Christians have everything down, a myth that i find myself believing a lot of the time. because really, what exactly does a grade have to say about my faith? is my faith legit because i have a grade? what does a resume really say about my soul?

if i had an unlimited amount of money, i would give it away, first because i wouldn't be happy, and second to show someone that it wouldn't make them happy.

---

i hear the voices of people around me. some i listen to, others i don't. and for some reason, i seem to usually listen to the negative ones, the ones that discourage me and anger me. why is that?

---

my dad started going to church again. i'm not exactly sure why, but it's a pretty good thing that he's going. one summer morning, before coming to OU, i woke up trying to think of the word "volatile," thinking my home situation was like that. dangerous, like it could explode any second.

a poem (yep, not even kidding)

i wrote a poem yesterday in Physics 2 instead of listening about refrigerators and the 2nd law of thermodynamics. it was just one of those days... hope you enjoy it. i'm actually a bit excited, because this is the first poem i've written since i can remember that i tried to make rhyme (though the meter/rhyme scheme turns out to be a little funky):

my words are not elaborate
to tell of what You've done
but now, i feel so inadequate,
my heart feels hard, it burns inside
and i try so hard, but i cannot hide
my fears flood back, my faith defied,
i cannot trust myself, nor pride,
is that really so unfortunate?

when You, oh Lord, Your love so strong
Your faithfulness steady when mine has gone,
You work all around and i fail to see.
i have fallen, but You keep coming back for me.
after all of this pain and agony,
i wonder how You could keep wanting me
i wonder how, Your love so free,
could be nailed to the cross by Your own creation,
and if You're still willing, i seek vindication,
i seek Your touch, to know You more,
this cry of loneliness i cannot ignore,
but now, to see You,
i am sure,
that joy i could not imagine.

this will be one of those posts where i simply feel compelled to write, yet have nothing exactly in mind to say.

i don't want mediocre. i want to shoot for greater things, to touch the sky, to enjoy watching the impossible accomplished, and accomplished by nobodies, the weak and broken, the lowly who tell society "this is not my home." those who live for greater things than fleeting desires and put off their flesh out of hope and love, and by love.

i don't want to be held down by the bondages of sin forever. let my heart be transformed, my will conformed, with eyes that see, with a heart that pumps praise, a life that breathes in and out and resonates and points to something i cannot deny, something beyond beautiful. the world has yet to see how beautiful God truly is. i spoke to a guy in Tulsa who believed that we had only hit the tip of the iceberg with the movement of the Holy Spirit. he believed that greater things are still to be done, that we haven't seen anything yet.

touch my heart and i'll fall to pieces. Jesus was invited to a meal at a Pharisee's house, and a sinful woman came behind Him and wept uncontrollably. she wept so much that she could even wash Jesus' feet with her tears. she washed those feet with her own hair. what would i do if i knew Jesus was in town? would i weep uncontrollably before Him? would i cry out of desperation, out of brokenness, out of heartache? or would i miss it? what in the world could there be that would keep me away from Him? apparently so much, and yet it seems so little, so small.

my God is a healer. a king. my best friend, mine. my God is all powerful. He breathes life into people, and there is no darkness in Him. He sees all and holds us in His hands. He sustains and knows and feels and pursues. He moves and loves. He walked among us, was tempted, killed, and then lived some more. His disciples said "if only we had more faith..." and He told them it was just a mustard seed amount of faith to move a mountain. He associated with the outcasts, the lame and tax collectors and prostitutes. even better if you were lowly and troubled and weak and felt criticism on every side, because He came for those in specific. He is tender towards me. He has chosen me, has softened and become sensitive towards me. He cares. He loves and does not cast off. and He shows mercy. He is the ultimate lover, forgiver.

and even if He doesn't heal, my life will not be own. my life i commit into His hands

from my journal on 8/30/08

God, I want to be on fire, ignited. As You are a consuming fire, I want to be consumed, to be touched and moved, even confident in Your unrelenting love like I have not been in the past. Let me not be mistaken but know that Your heart is still towards me, You are still singing over me, and though I am marked with sin and unrighteousness, You love me. And uniquely, specifically me. You have known me and seen me - when I wasn't the smartest, fastest, greatest of any kind. You came after me and You gave me everything: You gave Your all for my all, and the weakness, fragility, and falling-short of my all.

Let me not be consumed by pleasing those around me, but seeking Your pleasure. Let me not be driven by what I don't have, but rather see that I have been given everything, that I am even complete now as I write this, not by any action of my own accord, but by One who knows the impossibility of finding completion and sufficiency aside from Him.

So let me not be burdened by not having a girlfriend or the fears of mediocrity in this world - may I come to see and enjoy things, knowing that I am not looking for the point at which things are perfect and I don't have to worry about anything. In fact, what I live for is not to see my life come together and everything be just the way I want it. I don't live for the day I can wake up next to a beautiful wife and house and income to brag about.

What do I really want?

I want to see the fullness of God. Because I believe that when I get to see Him - and all of Him - I will instantly realize who I am. I will know that, despite all of the difficulty and controversy and tension, late nights, and runs away from home, despite all of the frustrated prayers, doubts and fears, stress and work and fatigue and argument - despite pains and believing, but not seeing, despite falling and failing and being criticized by others and even yourself, the neverending daily battle of trying just to be right with God, to be in the place that you feel you need to be - despite injuries and brokenness and shortlived successes and hardships and chaos and feeling like you don't fit in, like you're looked down upon, like you are in over your head and on the brink of breaking and saying, "I just can't take this anymore..." I believe the movement I see God in His fullness and the fullness of His glory - that single instant is all I will ever need to see to rest assured that I am not alone here, and I am loved more than I would ever even comprehend - to the extent that anything I tried to do couldn't separate me from God, because He Himself is coming after me, and He Himself is literally willing to do anything to spend eternity with me. This I cannot deny, and this is the hope of my life. Not that I will live a Godly life, have a beautiful family, respectable career, and anything I could ever dream of having. My hope is in God Himself.

And He is a consuming fire.

MACCSR Windermere 08

"the fact that there is so much we can take for granted speaks volumes of how much God has really given us." - jeff, in a prayer during a worship team meeting late yesterday (Sunday) night. we had gathered to plan the setlist and debrief on how things had been going, and we left with a sense that we were part of something great, something larger than ourselves, and for that - we were going to enjoy our last set at this Labor Day MACCSR retreat. whether or not God went big - He could do as He wished - we were going to enjoy Him, because we had seen Him at work the last couple days, and it was simply something extraordinary to get to worship like we did.

it was such a privilege to get to play bass in the worship band, such a reward to get to be in the position that i found myself in. not only could i worship, but i was a leader for a small group. and right from the first meeting, i found a connection with a guy named Yuanfu, a high school kid who used to be a sponsored skateboarder. i can sincerely say that it was amazing watching him grow and seeing how God was moving in him throughout the weekend, and to see him really worship and respond to the movement of God.

the worship team had met Sunday night and planned the songs and prayed for great things to happen. i'm not sure if i was exactly expecting for something big to happen, and even if i had been expecting, what happened was surely greater. even from the beginning, i had the privilege and grace to be filled with joy. just being up there and getting to behold the sounds coming from jeff's violin and the people around me and jojo behind me worshipping was enough to keep me smiling. we did the song Amazed and then transitioned to the chorus of All I Need is You, and i think it was around that point that i lifted my hands as a point of surrender. if something was going to happen, i was not going to touch it - it would have to be God. shortly after, i saw Richard by the set and thought that i should pray for him. so i went, and he had left the set to get a drink of water, and i prayed over him. then i went and prayed for Yuanfu and, well...things started happening. towards the end of the very last song, Here I Am, someone started crying. then things exploded.

and all i could do at that point was point upwards and think "this is our God. i had nothing to do with this." i guess it was simply greater than anything i could imagine. one of those things that you might pray for, but not expect to receive. (i guess that really goes to say that God not only answers prayer, but really does go beyond our expectations.) people were crying all around, and when they did an altar call, i saw Jerry and Yuanfu go. and Chris Tsang was talking with Richard and i got to pray with Cheezit, and little groups formed of just people crying and praying over one another, sharing testimony. and i couldn't stop smiling, because God had moved, and i could not deny that.

anyways, being at Windermere was simply a great weekend. somewhat of a vacation, but, in all honesty, i enjoyed it. hearing benji speak on Jonah and getting to build relationships through basketball and hanging out... i really felt like God was moving through me. it felt like i could speak truth and even impact the lives around me. it felt like God really could reach out through me to touch a hungry and thirsty generation. this last morning, one thing continued to resonate within me: a desire for others not to have to despair, not to have to be hopeless, not to have to settle for anything less than the best. but to know that God has given more than the best, to know His unending, unrelenting, unconditional love. and to be able to rejoice and take comfort in that. the God of the heavens and earth, the God of our relationships, our families, our problems, our inconsistencies and sins and schools and jobs and fears...is for us, and not against us.

so i guess i wish to extend that prayer towards you as you read this as well. to rejoice in a loving God, to know you don't have to be burdened, to be alone, to settle for things just the way they are now. you have something greater to look forward to, even now. even when you screw up on so many different levels, you can rejoice in that you are forgiven. and even though there is a great chance that you know more than me or have seen more than me - i believe this is something that doesn't change, something foundational to my faith.

and don't forget to enjoy yourself. you are part of something great, no matter who you are. be confident in that.

slows (lunch)

why the unease? my heart slows like God Himself might be slowing it down.

i guess i haven't really posted up here because i feel like, unmotivated, my writing is rather bad. but i guess i still have a freedom to fail, so let the fear of failure not feed my timidity. i had posted a couple posts before this one, after the last one you see, but taken them down because i was a little embarrassed. they just didn't seem very high in quality. i don't know if i'll keep writing up here with as much frequency as the past year, but...maybe i'll start posting more.

been at school for a little over a week. i like being here, and i have met a ridiculous amount of people within the last week (so much that i cannot imagine that it has only been a week). i've met a good deal of Christians and have met a lot of people that i would love to sit down to have lunch with, to get to know better and see what has happened that makes them who they are now. i have people i would love to see the things that i have seen, and i am terribly aware that i fall short of properly loving like people should be loved. i am horrible with names and am ignorant sometimes, so i guess that's all the more reason that i should seek for others to see God and not me. "if the whole wide world is staring straight at You, they can't see me" read the lyrics from a Jason Upton song.

hung out in the Walker lobby for about two hours, jamming out on piano and then hanging with some guys. it was good, but...coming back, i just feel unease, and i'm not sure why. the lights are off, and i look straight into the sea of darkness that is my room, interrupted only by the yellow numbers 1:07, and the light shining from my laptop. phong is asleep, and i wonder if these seemingly mindless ramblings will have relevance, or if they will sink away with the week.

i prayed a couple of weeks ago that i would stay single for the year. i am unsure of what i'm thinking. i just hate this game. i feel like i always have to be with someone, to be in a romantic relationship, but i know it's not right. i know it won't last. compromise? yes. am i desperate? yes, but i want to be desperate for Christ, on fire for His name. i don't want to be desperate for a girl. i want to be desperate for God's work, i want to be hungry for His gaze, i want to be wrapped up in His arms and captivated by His love and moved and driven by His blood. by His life. by Him and only Him. i want Him to be my everything. i don't need a girl to do that, and frankly, she couldn't. i need a God bigger than the air i breathe, larger than the life i live, greater than death itself. i need a God who stands for more than my selfish desires, gives more than i can imagine, knows me better than i know myself, and loves me with a fierce and jealous love, so much that i can't help but know He is after me.

but still, unease.

what is going on? my heart seems to jump at itself, waiting to devour itself. but You have found me, called me, known me. You have made me, loved me, then loved me more. i want to touch You. i want to dance before You. i want to come alive in Your presence, to come alive with peace surpassing understanding, with truth and grace. suddenly, does it matter so much whether i take one step forward and two steps back? does it matter if i move backwards in society for the rest of my life? let me be a tax collector and a sinner. at least then Jesus will eat with me.

what happened at Epic Bay

When God goes far beyond our imaginations and expectations of how He will move, those involved wake up one morning or reflect one night wondering, "Is this really my life? I can't believe it. This is greater than anything I could have dreamed..."

The way I got to the Epic Bay Area project was like one of those things you could see coming, even if it was a long shot. My friend Cheez-it had mentioned a mission trip to China this summer and we had been talking about it for 2 or 3 months. If one had asked what I was doing this summer at the time, I would have said I was going to China.

Though I had been planning on China, they needed a decision and money on short notice. I found myself in the library praying that God would give me an answer on whether or not to go. I flipped to a Psalm and felt as if God was saying, "I don't need You to go to China to bring me glory. I have other people who can do that." And then I seemed to hear, "I have greater plans for you."

So I turned it down. A bit of time passed, and frantically, I started considering an internship in Norman to spend my summer. After meeting and speaking with the guy from the company, it looked like they would offer the job to me - but I didn't really want to do it. The pay was pretty nice, and it would have given me experience, but it didn't excite me. I needed to get back to the guy by Monday, and when Sunday night rolled around, I was pretty unsure what I would do. I began to think maybe this was what God was calling me to spend my summer on, the greater plans He had promised, whether I wanted to do them or not.

That Monday, I randomly met for the first time with the OU CRU director, Shawn McGrath. He had contacted me via Facebook about grabbing lunch sometime - said that my name had come up earlier when he had talked with Tony Lee, the Asian American Student Life director.

So I met with Shawn and shared my testimony and what was going on, and we began to talk about establishing an Asian ministry on campus, and we talked about it like it could actually happen. Shawn brought up that, if I wanted training about starting an Epic movement, I might want to check out something called Summer Project that was in the Bay Area in California, around San Francisco. That was the first time I had heard the words summer project.

After that meeting, I could hardly contain my excitement - just talking about Asian ministries seemed to spark something inside of me, had made me come alive. I looked it up online and didn't know if there were any slots open or if the application process was still open, but I couldn't see how this wasn't God's greater plans, so that day, I started telling some of my close friends and my family that I would be going to San Francisco for the summer. I turned down the internship though I had no idea whether I would even be accepted to the project.

I worked on the application for about a week and sent it in - I was serious that there was only one thing I wanted to do this summer and that was to go to this Bay Area Project. Midway through finals week, I got the call - I was going! I headed off to a math review after the call and was overwhelmed with joy; some girls asked me what I was smiling about, and I hadn't realized I was smiling so much...then I told them I was going to San Francisco for the summer.

Before going on project, I remember being afraid that I wouldn’t fit in; when I arrived, I found that I was being welcomed with open arms, and, before long, we had become something bigger than ourselves. Our community was strong and encouraging, our vulnerabilities exposed, and our passion for Christ couldn’t go anywhere but up. Looking back, I couldn't have asked for anything greater this summer, and I cannot help but reflect and know that we took part in something great - that God did something for, with, and through us. All the relationships we formed, the words and lessons that were spoken, the failures we committed fearlessly - we had a freedom to fail, and by the last week when the staff had left, we were taking advantage of it. We were doing dangerous things for His name, and even our mistakes and failures were successes because we were drawing closer to God regardless of the results.

I saw boldness and courage being lived out. I saw actual examples of Christ followers, what it means to be meek, what it means to be real with yourself to everyone, and I've felt love from people, love like I've never felt before. Everyone taught me something and, in the process, let me see more of myself, to realize that I am everything but alone. I played Ultimate Frisbee with people who cared like no one else had cared around me before, and I ate Yogurtland with people who were and are stepping up to pursue God on their campuses, the real leaders of an Epic movement. I joked around and confided in people who will change the world, and I literally felt God's blessings through them. I felt the freedom of knowing my mistakes would not disqualify me, that I belonged and could even serve and lead in the body of Christ.

These past four weeks were seriously such an overflow of grace and energy. Day in and day out, God stirred in our hearts and got us to be vulnerable, to feel His touch on our hearts and His faithfulness in our despair. We talked about conflict resolution and authentic manhood and the needs cycle and God's truth was there and I began to change. My eyes were opened to a lot...why I act the way I do, why I struggle with the things that I do. And though the world around me might not change, I am beginning to realize my goal in life is not results, but to grow closer to God, to have a heart that cries out that His name is blessed and worthy unconditionally. By grace, I run and see that I am surrounded by a cloud of witnesses and friends running alongside me, friends that love with a heart similar to God's.

I had role models, leading by example and speaking truth into my life. When at first I had been afraid of not fitting in, I found I was actually being welcomed with open arms, with the comfort that God has provided (2 Cor. 1:3-5). It was a place of acceptance, a place of love.

And with love, anything is possible. We did dangerous things for God, attempted the impossible, and our hearts kept going regardless on the results. In fact, the results could only matter so much, but it was God's love raining down on us that was the glue of our lives and community, the only thing that mattered at the end of the day.

So in response to the last month, can I do anything but praise God? Can I deny Him myself? I know what the answer is, but I also know how hard it is to rely and depend on someone else for everything. Please be sober-minded, please be humbled. I never want to stop saying, "I want to do something dangerous for Christ. I want to press on beyond my comfort zone. I want God to have more and more of me and I want to be closer to Him than ever before."

---

things with my dad have been all right. i haven't really sat down and talked with him at depth, but i've made more of an effort to speak to him and show him respect and love, and i think he is beginning to see that, but it still seems difficult. certainly bigger than myself. it's just that i don't think our home is really geared towards allowing him to step up and provide, or do anything more than just sit around all day. other than that, post mission syndrome hasn't been that intense, but a bit frustrating just being here. hope everyone's doing right, seem to be mostly waiting for college again, but...yep. God bless.

secret epic post

hey guys, how have you been doing?

in plans and dreams for an Epic at the University of Oklahoma, one of my friends and i had gotten together a core group of people - 3 guys and 3 girls - and we had had our first meeting a bunch of weeks ago, casting a vision and talking about what it could look like to have an Asian American ministry on campus.

i sent a facebook message shortly after that meeting praising God and mainly being excited for the things that were beginning to develop. a week or two passed, and, like any good story, a plot twist waited. two of the girls said they wouldn't be able to be part of the core group due to other commitments, and one of the guys and the other girl were quite busy as well. it seemed like it might be back to the original two people - my friend peter and me.

i felt a little ashamed to tell people.

through it all, i think i've felt a lot of prayers answered and have been blessed by a bunch of people praying for us and the possibility of Epic at OU.

after it seemed like we had lost all of our people, Peter and i started doing quiet times together, as a sort of accountability thing. i was a bit hesitant to ask him at first, but we started, and we kept going, and it was better than i expected. i didn't know how he would react, but he really started getting into the Word...for the first two weeks, we met up for about an hour each weekday to read and discuss, and things were starting to stir up. already in peter, i've seen God really reveal Himself and really transform the way he lives.

after a while, we were still meeting pretty frequently, and we decided we might as well start inviting people. one Sunday night, i sent out invites to about 6 or 7 people to join us for quiet times on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 3 pm. and God provided the people again. in fact, most of the people i invited haven't shown up or even responded to my message. but the people that have shown up really seem to have been brought there by God. even someone i hadn't invited showed up.

our first Bible study/quiet time thing was exactly a week ago - we had 7 people! we met two days later and...people actually came back! and then today, people came back again! and honestly, that's seriously God at work. God is glorified, and it's certainly not me or Peter at work. we don't know what we're doing. and all of a sudden, we have found ourselves leading/mediating a Bible study with people who not only want to be there, but are actually committed.

here are two of the breakthroughs we've witnessed after 3 studies:

a freshman named Andrew is Roman Catholic. on the first day, he was asking questions like "do you expect God to respond when you pray?" today, we watched a movie, and he asked something to the extent of "what does it mean to live a God-centered life?"

a senior named Brandon is sorta agnostic. i don't really know him, but he went to high school with Peter. he's mostly quiet through the meetings, but i think God really must be working in him. Peter asked him today where he was on his spiritual journey, and he said that he feels something on his heart, and he has kinda come to belief in God - the only problem is that he doesn't know anything about this God. [i'm not sure if it's the Judeo-Christian God, but i think he's gonna keep coming back, and so we'll talk more about God.]

so...yeah. glory to God... if you could pray for Brandon and Andrew and that all of our eyes would be on Christ, period. the other guys in the study, if you could pray for them as well, are named Lung, Phong, and Peter (we have two Peter's). there are also two guys who haven't been to Bible study yet, named Victor and Dung, who grew up with somewhat Buddhist backgrounds, who have become persons of peace for me.

thanks for reading. here's a verse that has sorta been on my heart lately:

"For we do not preach ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord"
-2 Corinthians 4:5a

and let it really be known that i have nothing to do with this :) but let God be the One at work, and i am the one privileged.

if you want to comment your own prayer requests or praises, that'd be great (you don't need an account or anything).

ps. i really do miss you guys and remember you fondly.

all eyes on God (secret epic post 2)

yesterday, we had our very first OU Epic event, an Epic Christmas Party (pun intended). we threw it together at the last minute, invited a lot of people, and saw surprising results. i want to write and sound like i know what was going on and what was happening, but really, i can't. i want to say we had it planned down to a T since the very beginning and we knew exactly what we were doing, but i'm not sure anyone had the slightest idea.

peter (cofounder) and i stepped into a group of freshmen Asians. we started hanging out a lot, which was, in itself, an answer to one of my prayers - just to feel like i belonged in a group and to have that kind of community. maybe half are Christian and half aren't. but we became friends, and the result was that we could have a party and they would come, because we are all friends.

one of the girls in the group is pretty phenomenal at guitar and singing and seems to have her heart in the right place, so she ended up playing worship for us. and then i was going to speak. it was only supposed to be like a two hour event, at peter's apartment, so we got together and ate and played games for like the first hour. when i showed up, there were more people than i expected. the projection was 10-15 people, but we were actually pushing 20, some people who i didn't know at all. i was admittedly getting nervous, and things seemed a bit unorganized.

but we went and prayed and God seemed to give me words for prayer, and then we played a game and did worship, and i guess i began to feel more confident that it was God and not me. and i felt like i had words. i just told my testimony and why i believed in God and that i didn't want to be cocky or arrogant. i guess my main point was that i believe in God because i'm not good enough, and God knows it, but He doesn't see me that way. He loves me and treats me like i am, but both He and i know that i don't deserve it. i talked with more liberty than i usually do, and i was able to speak that way to a group that i don't think was primarily Christian.

at the end, i guess i felt kind of good. i had some people say that they wanted to grab lunch sometime and others asking if we could keep them posted about Epic events.

regardless if i can feel good about all of it, all eyes still on God. must remain sober...

anyways, that's what's been going on. we've picked up a couple more people and some more interest, and we're wading through the paperwork to be a university-recognized organization. we'll be trying to get people to the central Epic conference in Dallas in February, and starting up maybe another small group next semester, with events every now and then. but yeah, praise God. i cannot wait to see some of you guys in a little more than a month in San Francisco and to see your love and passion again and hear your stories.

---

an update about my dad - after project, i wanted to change things with my relationship with my dad. i ended up getting really frustrated and wanting to give up, so college was a nice getaway. a while after i left, my dad seemed to be getting better, going to church every now and then. it was funny to me because it wasn't me, but God working. then things hit some lows. my dad ended up in the hospital for a week, and after a couple of days, in the hospital again for two more weeks. it was mainly because he hadn't been taking his meds and was trying to run away from home, saying that our house wasn't safe. the plan was that he would end up in something like a nursing home, an hour away from home. the second time he was in the hospital, they started giving him new meds. the day he got out, my mom went to go drop him off at the nursing home, but she wouldn't leave him there because of the conditions or something. and then, my dad just started getting better. it wasn't supposed to happen, and i wasn't expecting it to, but God is God.

went home for thanksgiving break and my dad did some things i didn't see coming. he would sit down and have conversation with me, make himself food and eat regular meals, go out with us to lunch, and actually intentionally try to be more social and active in our family. he would go to church and keep taking his meds, and he would go to sleep at like 8 when he usually didn't sleep until 2 or 3 in the morning. he was like a new man.

so, yeah :) that's what's been going on at home.

---

thanks for reading. God is good. all eyes on Him.

last post for a while

hey, looks like i'm gonna take a break from this whole blogging thing. knowing that i am writing to an audience of any sort has honestly taken a bit of a toll, so i'll just be writing to myself for a while. some stuff might find its way here, but i think i'm gonna try to stay away from specifically writing anything for the public eye.

but things are going well. tremendous grace, San Francisco in a week, more guitar/Bible/prayer/time with God. i really do think i'm being changed.

i'll leave with a song from an album that just came out from the singer from Switchfoot:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9T-7RS15kM&feature=related (song doesn't really start until 1:50, just so you know)

update, thoughts, and relaxation

got back earlier this morning from a week-long cruise to Alaska, probably the most fun i've ever had with family. ate a lot of food and played a lot of basketball. from my journal:

i feel like people go on cruises to get away and forget what they really have to deal with, when really, these things should be worked out beforehand - we shouldn't be hiding from them. that still leaves me rather baffled and hypocritical, because i haven't really worked things out in my head. this was supposed to be my time to relax - and i don't think relax means to live in ignorance of the real world. to relax is to be content with things just the way they are - to be ready to die at any moment, satisfied with everything. relaxing doesn't mean pretending things are fine by surrounding or insulating/isolating yourself with fancy dining, room service, a lack of obligations, and people who will always agree with you. relaxing is when you are painfully aware of the way things are and you know you wouldn't have it any other way, because everything that matters is already taken care of. would you tell me how could it be any better than this? relaxing is lifting your worries up to God and allowing Him to take care of you.

[knowing we have been bought at a price, our salvation has been given to us freely (the very definition of grace - "if by grace then it is no longer of works; otherwise grace is no longer grace" Romans 11:6). knowing that salvation does not come from works doesn't mean we shouldn't work. one can work and be perfectly relaxed at the same time. but our own actions do not change anything - everything is held in God's hand. Jesus asks, who can add a cubit to his stature just by worrying. i think He was saying that we don't help out ourselves by worrying and taking care of things on our own. God is the One who chooses to add or decrease from our stature.]

i fail to relax, thinking life will only be complete until i have pleased everyone, graduated at the top of my class, scored some kind of secure and respectable job, and gotten myself in a relationship. maybe i'm just lonely - but i'm never alone either. we set our sights on the things of this world - when we finally achieve or acquire them, it seems like we should have finally earned the right to relax, when something deep inside of us is missing. we can achieve first class living, a lifestyle free of problems, but it's not relaxing until you touch the heart of God and let His love consume you. how can you be secure with the way things are without first knowing and accepting the omnipotent God who does as He pleases and yet stands by His people.

1 Timothy 6:8-9 - "And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and harmful lusts which drown men in destruction and perdition." verse 17 - "command those who are rich in this present age not to be haughty, nor to trust in uncertain riches, but in the living God, who gives us richly all things to enjoy."

i finished a book called Red Moon Rising yesterday about the 24-7 prayer movement and, in the last chapter, some guys from Mexico sold everything they had just so they could go to Europe and join the movement, not sure if they even could. i wondered if i could do that; it seemed so risky, that i would truly be criticized be my friends and family for wholeheartedly pursuing with everything. to give everything away - no fall back plans, nothing but a love for God literally lived out. Jesus did, after all, say that those who love Him will follow His commandments - in fact, why shouldn't they? but maybe, with truly nothing but God, i would begin to relax. i would begin to feel less manufactured, less susceptible to social pressures. when uncomfortable becomes the place i want to be - i will relax and rejoice in all things knowing that God will have His way and the roles of society will be reversed. the blind will see, the lowly will be lifted high. the high who allow themselves to be humbled and moved by their Father instead of their things will be lifted high again. girlfriend or not, successful or not, justified or not, God has the last word. and knowing this - that God has power in His hands and breath and life in His name - must be the basis of relaxation. anything else is ignorance or false security.

---

back at 2 this morning, church at 8:30, worship and more worship. a little frustrating, need to figure out something. anyways, at least looking forward to San Francisco in about two weeks. will be exciting. i thought i wanted to say more in this post, maybe i will later

i need You more

i need You more than:

composure
security
confidence
comfort
i can ever know
i can ever fathom
anything
life itself
i am willing to admit
my heart can shout
words can express
ever

---

i'm not sure if i have words. things are okay, they'll be okay. i'm not sure i was ever at risk of not being okay. i am still held by a timeless God, a tender-mercies-new-every-morning God, a Lion and a Lamb. i will still stand at the forefronts of a generation, of a worldwide movement. i will still hold on to great things, for His plans for me are great, and He has placed me in huge positions. though i might struggle and gasp for other things, His relentless love will never let go. let me not settle for anything less.

i smile.

the world will never know and never take away, but i have something kings want a part of, something angels dream about. i am held by a loving God. would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

i still smile.

disappointment fades away into the back of my mind. instead of sinking to the depths of my heart, it is burned away by the living breath of a living God. i'd by lying if i denied that things are still beautiful. times change and lives hang in the balance, but He never does. more and more is revealed, more and more shines into our lives. our own beauties are revealed, and our own necessities met more obviously by a Satisfier, a Provider, a Deliverer, the One who sees in secret.

proclaim it on the housetops, declare it in the assemblies. God is still God. each day is great, each day beautiful. there is nothing that will hold down His people, where God is, there is freedom. there is no such thing as confusion in the presence of the Lord. our complaints disappear, our inconveniences give way to higher callings, greater things, as they should.

all will see, and all will bow down. every tongue will confess, all of creation cries out to its Maker. the One we have waited for has found us, redeemed us, set us aside as His own. there is nothing we won't have, nothing we will lack. there is nothing that will cause us to stumble, nothing that will lead us astray.

but we will have peace. God's people will rise up with joy and peace and love and hope and a fool's faith, and though we be fools for Christ's sake, i wouldn't have it any other way. the blind will see, the lame will walk. the weak will rise up in strength, the poor made rich. our hope is in Christ.

and He does not disappoint.

i have a problem [w/myself]

okay... four words that might shock you.

internet pornography and masturbation.

some people are bold in that they'll readily address the topic, but those are the people who probably don't struggle with it...they've overcome it. i struggle with it. in fact, i guess, if anything, let this destroy me. my hands are bloody, my body defiled. i am impure. but let me be real now.

it's a concept of beauty. i think beauty is well outlined in the Bible. 1 Peter 3 tells wives: "Do not let your adornment be merely outward - arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel - rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God," and so it continues. the beautiful wife also gets the very last chapter in Proverbs: "Strength and honor are her clothing; she shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness."

man. i screw up... i do. if it's anything that disqualifies me from any relationship, it's this weakness or failure. because honestly, i've struggled with this quite a bit, and i've experienced both failure and success, but i'm losing it now. i can't compromise with lust. but i have. and now i don't know what to do.

i have distanced myself from God, taking a couple steps back. slipped up. i'll be very real that i don't know what i'm doing. i'll be very real that my concept of beauty is distorted whenever i step online and refuse to uphold integrity. i'll be all the more real that i don't know if i feel this. i can write these words and there's no telling if i'll slip up again in the next days, the next hours even. it's that big of a problem, that big of a deal. the Bible talks about people falling apart and away from God because they fall in love with their sin, because they allow themselves to be given over to their own lewdness and unrighteousness. Ephesians says you can know that no fornicator or unrighteous person will make it to heaven.

God, who do You say i am? for You know my ways and You know my sin. nothing is hidden from You. i can't help but believe that You're a bit disappointed in me. but Your love and Your promises remain... and i guess i need them more than ever to be real. i don't want to say words that are crap and to deceive myself and those who watch me. if i'm a Christian, let me be solid in Your ways. Your grace has always been there. guide me in Your steps. make it black and white. redefine beauty for me, redefine what i do with my time and what i do with my computer. keep me from frustration, but put dissatisfaction in me. i gotta get closer to You. i gotta do what i say i believe. no more compromise. no more foolishness. no more of myself. let me decrease, and let me mean that.

i spend so much of my time hiding. i guess... if i know you, we never have to talk about this. but i'm putting it out there. and there is no condemnation, guilt, or shame... for the life that is founded in God, for the one who accepts God's upward calling. what i do...is deserving of condemnation, guilt, and shame. what i do...it's classless, lacking integrity, the very meaning of the word perverse or perverted. let it be removed from me. but how can i say that when i hardly know if i mean it? i don't want to love my sin...i don't love what it does to me, but anyone can say that. who could look into a porn star's eyes and hold strong to the love of Christ? that's who i need to be. who saves the porn stars? who saves the Hollywood actors, the people who practically ask to be used for human entertainment? who can stand up and look them in their eyes, push everything aside and hold on to integrity, and ask them about their problems, ask them where they are struggling. who can treat them like people?

man. my way is crooked. i have a very real problem, i'll admit and expose it. there's something wrong with the picture if i am so ready to run physically and yet i refuse to run the race spiritually. i am missing out on something if i am unwilling to run a race of purity and integrity - one race that matters - and am focused on the things of this world, things that have already begun to pass away. i don't think i'm being too hard on myself...it's not a light topic. it's adultery.

i need to get right. like actually get right. actually go back to the heart of worship, actually go back to the cross. it's not a salvation-damnation question. but i need to lay my desires down and my sins, for my sin is no small deal. i need to be cleansed, to be re-oriented to who i am to be. i need to find out what i'm doing, stick to that, and run foolishly to that. no more of this flesh stuff. i need to step up and do what i believe in.

it's a concept of beauty.

God, i need You to never let go. i need You to tackle me to the ground before You let me be an idiot against You. i need You to show me how to live against this world, to live valiantly against my own ways, my old man. i need You to make me new again. to put inside of me a repentant heart, a lowly heart, one that knows who i am and who You are. i need to be humbled. none of this hype. please give me eyes that see and ears that hear, in accordance to Your will. let me not be deceived, may i be purified instead. may my ways be like Yours, may my heart be like Yours. may i not be tripped up by these "weak and beggarly elements" but may i realize that there are things going on that are so much bigger than my own problems and inconveniences. there are bigger battles going on, and this is the race i need to be running more than anything else. there's nothing more important than this.

God, i pray. keep me from saying crap. i don't want to return to the idea of Christianity, to Christian morals. even if i am delivered from lust for the wrong reasons, i have fallen. let me return to You, the real You. let me not put You in a box or limit You or treat You like some kind of heartless god. let me not control my own life nor depend on my own ability. everything i need can be found in You. all good gifts are from above.

God, i need Your forgiveness and Your love. i need Your tender mercies that are new every morning, because my sin is before You and i know it is not pleasing in any way to You. it's an abomination to Your heart, it has nothing to do with You or Your ways. let me not separate myself to shame, let me not separate myself to short-lived commitment. let me be steadfast and faithful, let me be real. let me fall in love with You though i am feeble and weak, i am man, and no one that You should be mindful of me. my hands are stained with blood, my heart a shallow grave. but in You i find redemption. God, i need You. please call my name. i don't know the things i do. i have sinned against You, but please don't turn Your back on me. i know i can't promise anything, but please have Your way in me. make me desperate again. show me love and faithfulness again, show me how to have it towards You. i've fallen - i fall and fall again. it is not hidden from You. my ways are before You. chasten me and let me know it. let me know that i am not my own. let me know that i must live for Your glory. change my ways. for i am far from Christ like.

may i not be given over to the shamefully distorted desires of my flesh and of this world. i don't need sex. i don't need money. i don't need the GPA or the high paying job. social popularity or relationships. why should i want to be esteemed by this world and yet lose my soul? why should i seek after these pointless highs while i ignore the most satisfying and worthy of pursuits, the very thing i was created to experience and love. i have no other purpose than to be Yours, to worship Your name. why all the distraction, all the temptation? let me return to be Yours.

strength does not come from me, it comes from You. anything that happens, You have let it happen. God, i pray. shatter the world's influence on me. bring me back to You. hide me away in Your refuge and refuse to let go until my eyes are solidly fixed upon You. i can't take it again. i can't take another fall. i don't know what i would do if i fell again. You can do years of work in seconds, there is nothing You cannot do. have Your will in me, and i will know it. the world will know it, and all the nations will see. i'll proclaim it in the assembly, i'll speak the words with actual conviction, words heavy from truth. "God beat out porn and masturbation in me and i should be in hell right now, but for some reason, God wanted me even when i was spitting in His face. i'm the reason He died - i killed Him and He loved me in response."

one of the Psalms says that David refused to give any comfort to himself, any sleep to his eyes, until he had made sure there was a temple for God. Paul starts talking about how we are living temples, and that it is sexual immorality that is like joining the body of Christ, the temple of God, to a harlot. if i'm a living temple, let me give no sleep to my eyes until God can rest in me, until i am consecrated for God, until i have been humbled. things used to be that black and white. if things were right with God, things were good. if things weren't, things needed to change.

"Direct my steps by Your word,
and let no iniqutiy have dominion over me.
Redeem me from the oppression of man,
That I may keep Your precepts.
Make Your face shine upon Your servant,
And teach me Your statutes."
-Psalm 119:133-135

how bad?

"The truth is...there's not supposed to be any condemnation. God died for our worst and knew what He was getting Himself into. He knows who we are - we are simply mortal, timed beings, and we are sometimes incredibly moody, prone to turning our eyes upon the very things that kill and destroy us. We fail to know what we need, and we fail to learn.

But the people I am talking about is a Godless people. In all reality, God's love knows no end, and though I stumble, choke, and throw my life away, God is still God and I cannot shake His love. I can do nothing to separate myself from His love, and neither can any powers or principalities, nor time or death, do anything to stop His love from moving all around me.

A people after God's heart...may stumble and fall, but nothing can hold them down - especially not guilt, shame, or condemnation. They know they have been freed from these burdens - that freedom has already been given over to them. They realize that, without God, they are timed and sinful creatures, so easily distracted and deceived, failing to know their needs and failing to learn - but in Christ, they know no end, no limitations. There needs no compromise, no ceiling to possibility - God is greater than all. There needs no shame, pain, or shadow of doubt - the song of redemption resounds in the hearts of His people.

It's a people who dare to do the impossible. Who know that, in God, they exit the world and the powers that hold us down from heaven. Who dare to believe that God is simply who He says - greater than everything we see, stronger than any other power, bigger than our imaginations, the air we breathe, and the sin that has held us down in the past. This people is a generation that sees love and holiness flowing freely from God instead of their own disqualifications from salvation.

I screw up, I'm not faithful. But God is still God and the Word is still truth. If I call on Him, with all my heart, He will let me find Him. If I confess my sins and repent, He will forgive me and cleanse me from all unrighteousness. If I ask anything in His will, in His name, I can be confident to receive it. God is still God,and He is still moving in hearts. He's as alive as He's ever been - to say God sits still contradicts everything the rocks and all of creation cry out. And His people, witnesses and spectators of this majesty, are faced with a choice:

To let go and run undignified to the only One who matters or to disqualify themselves from exceedingly great rewards because a Godly life is inconvenient for years in the face of eternity. At that point, the ones who chose to be fools for Christ's sake will have more joy and life than they'll know what to do with, and I doubt they'll ever catch their breath."

things have been a little rocky lately, but things are still looking up. i continue to stand in awe looking at what God has done this past year, as everything seems to come to a close. all the academics aside, God captivated me. and i really believe i'll be looking back at the time i'm living in right now, captured in wonder, remembering how great this really was. i'm living in a time where everything is truly amazing. living on the same floor as Daniel, i was able to do things i've never done before. first semester, we would drag ourselves out of bed early in the morning and do quiet times. one day when i needed sustenance and uplifting, i cracked my Bible open in the middle of my calculus class to read Romans.

i started playing piano well after going to the oneThing conference in Kansas over winter break. i had the opportunity to spend long, tedious hours in the recording process, and i played a couple times at the Student Union and at an awards banquet. i had so much around me. our floor's Bible study met on Monday and Wednesday nights in my room. i could go to Campus Crusade on Tuesdays, Paradigm with the Baptist Student Unions on Thursdays, and Vision house church on Fridays. i could go to any church i wanted to on Sundays (though i should really look to find a real home) - a certain Sunday was spent three hours at a prayer event, followed by church, and then a small group prayer meeting. i took part in a 12 hour prayer event, was used to lead worship a couple times, and was slain in the Spirit.

my hands are bloody. but God has still planned great things. i am so glad He has not disqualified me from His plan. i fall short, i know i do. but God will redefine me. how bad do i want it? you might ask. i need to figure this out myself too. God pours out and overflows blessing. i don't want to miss out. i am so anointed, so blessed, with what i have seen and what i have been given. let me not take it for granted. i have received so much...let me not put them to waste. let me lay down in surrender, so that God has His unrestrained way. i am the clay, the vessel to be emptied. "Shall the ax boast itself against him who chops with it? Or shall the saw exalt itself against him who saws with it?" (Isaiah 10:15)

it'll be interesting week. i really gotta get into this. i gotta get the Bible in me. lay down in surrender, eyes on God. if you read Psalm 119...that's what i want to be able to say. but my eyes must be on God. or else i am deceived and have fallen from grace. that's it. anything less than God i don't want. i don't want myself either, or my works. i don't need blessing, and let me say this - comfort. there are bigger things going on. how bad do i want it? time will tell. let God have His way in me.

shattering clarity

hey guys. things have turned out interestingly. two weeks left to summer, and God is working more and more in me. today has been a little...troublesome or difficult. just my thoughts. i guess i'm being a bit of a jerk in my thought life, or God has opened up my eyes to see more sin within myself. but in all honesty, i really don't think i'm being deceived when i say the following lines.

God has really blessed me lately. a couple weeks ago, i began praying that i could be faithful to God and that i would have passion for Him. i think about a month ago, i was going to all of these campus ministries because it was a very Christian thing to do and it had become ritualistic religious practice and, among other reasons, i felt unfaithful to God. well, i really think He's answered my prayers, and more and more, i come to see how blessed i really am. things might not be perfect in my eyes, but perfection is hardly what i'm going for. for God to abide in me and me in Him, to get to be a descendant of Abraham, to be faithful to God to the point of foolishness and death, is what i'm going for. to delight in His statutes and move mountains by faith and die daily and slip outside of the public eye...that is what i should be going for.

still, more and more, i find myself seeming to slip. i catch myself saying things incredibly idiotic and arrogant and thinking things that can hardly be considered Christ-like... i don't know, but even sin should just press me on more towards Christ.

i guess these are huge bounds though. with the prayer night last week in the background, it seems like i am beginning to lean more on Christ, to spend time with Him in prayer, though i admit my time in the Bible hasn't been very consistent. i guess i could definitely use some change, though it seems like i've been brought so far already.

but God moves around me and continues to draw me near though i seem to be half conscious and half honest when i talk to Him some mornings, threatening rebellion and forgetfulness. but i guess i really can't forget. let me not be disillusioned either. two weeks to go and we'll see how things go at home. looking for more consistent quiet times and anticipation of a trip to San Francisco, perhaps all too hopeful (, as well as more piano and more running). and honestly, it'll be interesting to see. i really can't wait for the next fall semester, because i really think big things are starting to happen. let me not compromise dependence, but in humility, seek after One and only One.