the day before Thanksgiving thoughts

weather like this and being back in tulsa make me feel like taking a shower and going to Panera to write and listen to their jazz music. things haven't really been rocky, i guess they've been pretty smooth. i'm slacking a little in my classes and hanging out more. i feel like i'm a pretty strong believer in not leading multiple lives. i used to live a triple life, split between home, school, and church. to me, i guess i want to be as sincerely and genuinely me wherever i go, and i don't see why someone shouldn't be able to get to know the real me.

here are some things i feel like i've been learning about myself lately, and some random thoughts as well:

i have a very hard time laughing at myself.

when asked what was my most embarrassing moment, i couldn't answer. certainly, i've done stupid things, even stupid things in public. but i still don't know how to answer. what is embarrassing? ashamed to be yourself? one of the passages i've been coming back to over the past year since i first read it says to boast in your weakness and insecurity and imperfection, that God is strong in our weakness.

i have a hard time being social...i am mostly dependent on the other people i am interacting with. i'm not exactly antisocial, but... i don't know what it is. but it's probably me. maybe i do not count others worthy of my interest...in which case, that sounds downright awful.

i have a large fear of not fitting in or belonging.

i feel like i live in the shadows of my father and sister.

my lethargy in school has gotten stupid. i really need to step up my game.

we all do things. i guess the question is, do you find God in that thing? are you moved closer to Him, do you see Him in it, do you feel His freedom or His love in it? in everything we do, we move towards or away from Him. stagnancy isn't possible. you can't seal up your salvation one day and then just coast through the rest of life - it's a daily battle.

i am desperate for new guitar strings. it's been nearly a year since i changed my strings out. i am a little at odds with playing worship though. i'm not sure what i'm really doing when i play sometimes, and i don't mean the music.

i hung out with a group of people these past couple of days. we went dogwalking and hung out and played music and basketball. it was a lot of fun. i feel like it's somewhat distracting for me though. i don't seem to pray as much or be focused on Him as much when i hang out with them. i still have that fear that i don't fit in or feeling like i'm the odd one in the group, the black sheep, or perhaps the elephant in the room. it's these guys and my old youth group in Tulsa where i feel at home. and CRU, somewhat.