love (spring break log 4)

i've been in love before. from my experience, it can consume you. i'll be sitting in class, listening to lecture, and all that is within me wants to be with that person. it changes the way you think, the way you live your life, the way you spend your time. changes simple things like the way you dress or the way you smell or the way you drive because you want to do whatever you can to please that person.

if you had a date with someone you were in love with, you would try to do everything you could to make that night perfect. you would try to plan it down to a T, you would speculate and strategize and think of things you could talk about if things went wrong. you could spend the entire day leading up to that night thinking about it, letting it control you. you could spend the whole week in preparation and anticipation. you would still do all the things you normally do - you could go to school and do homework and go run, heck, even run hard, but your mind wouldn't be there. you would still be captivated in your heart, you would still be waiting for that moment when you would finally be with the one you love.

do you know what i'm talking about?

because that is the relationship we are supposed to have with God.

and i realize i don't really love God the way i might love somebody else. i realize i would drive two hours one way to see my sister for a weekend, but i don't know if i would go two hours out of my way to see God move. i'll let a girl influence the way i dress or the way i act, but i'm not sure i would let God influence the way i live my life or the way i behave.

and the answer is that...i haven't thought about God in a loving way for a long time. when i started becoming a Christian, i could spend the entire school week waiting in anticipation for Friday night, where i could hang out with my youth group friends and worship and learn about God. big events like lock-ins or mission trips could hold my interest for weeks in advance and i would still be buzzing about with excitement weeks later. junior year, that was all that got me through school. i had fallen in love, and it wasn't like i threw everything away. i still worked hard and upheld my responsibilities... but it didn't matter so much. my heart was set on God.

nowadays, things have changed a bit. i dive into the Word, but it's sometimes a different atmosphere. i know i'm supposed to pray to God, because such is vital to relationship with God, so i try to pray. and i try to read a lot of the Bible...tried to go through all of Proverbs this past week. even back here in school, most of my nights are filled with Bible studies and trying to be more and more "Christian." but it's different.

because treating it like obligation sucks the passion out of it. praying to God only because you have to or you feel you should takes emotion out of it, makes it habitual, like a chore. before you know it, you don't even have to think. do you come alive when you take a test or take out the trash? do you come alive meeting the status quo, doing everything you should? i'm not saying we should stop doing any of these things - they're important, and we do them for a reason. but we don't do relationships.

the joy of relationship is in interaction. it is in talking, meeting, working with another person. you don't do a healthy relationship...you touch it and feel it and work with it and spend nights speculating over it and you fall in love with it. that's where the passion is...seeing the joy in someone else's face, seeing their pleasure, feeling their touch. anything less is work.

but yet...we treat God like work. we grudgingly go to church and tithe, we sing our songs without any thought, we pray and read our Bibles like we believe we should and sometimes we change and sometimes we don't change. you know what? God probably wants us to change, but there's something that He wants even more. our hearts... He wants to consume us with passion and love, to spend time with us, to sit you down and make you still and wrap you in His arms because our lives are frantic and we rarely take time to be still and consider what our lives have become and where we are going. and it's easy to think that as long as we do certain things, we will be healthy.

well, it's not that, and life gets boring after a while if all we ever do is do. but God calls us to great things; Paul calls it the "more excellent way" than any of the spiritual gifts. to be driven by love - that would be huge. to be able to go to school and do homework and to do everything we do, and yet not be able to get God off of our minds. to so greatly, genuinely anticipate the day we can spend in church, a time when we can catch a glimpse of God, when we can see Him move. to hear someone talk about God and let it bring us to tears. i suggest that this is what life is meant to be and what we should desire.

driving to church today, i wondered what i desired out of today. i had been praying this for a while - i prayed i would be glorifying to God. but i realized...everything's already created for God's glory. i'm going to be glorifying to God no matter what, whether i want to or not, just as everyone will be glorifying to God in the end. what i want to do is fall in love with God. i want to choose God over everything. i want Him to consume my heart - i don't want Him as an addiction, but i want to be so in love that i consciously know both sides and cannot find anything that i would rather do than spend time with God.

i don't want this to be a post that makes you feel lost or like you haven't loved God for a while. i want it to be encouraging... because we do have a High Priest who can sympathize with our weaknesses. He knows what we go through and He knows what goes on in our heads...He died for us as we were still sinners. even in our worst moments, that was what God died for, and that's what He hopes to redeem. for the times when we rejected God straight to His face, He died for those times. i think loving God has a lot to do with confidence in approaching Him - knowing that He is who He says He is...a Redeemer, a Savior, mighty like a Lion, and peaceful like a Lamb, the God above all, and yet someone who has set everything He has upon capturing the attention of your heart.

it's funny that today happens to be Easter, and the only part of this post i had thought of was the first two paragraphs and everything else followed, but i would really like to encourage whoever you are as well as myself to...try to fall in love with God. we understand what it means to fall in love with another human being, but if we were to fall in love with God, i think things would be so much greater and fulfilling. in fact, it would be life-changing. the ramifications would be endless - if we realized how great God's love is for us and happened to fall in love with Him in response. i can think of nothing greater.

anyways, happy easter. Jesus is alive.

A Rumor about Christ

---this was my final essay for my Expository Writing class. i thought it was pretty good, so i'm putting it up. i don't usually proofread very much what i put up here, so this one should actually be grammatically correct and everything. i thought my penultimate paragraph was pretty good, but i felt a little egotistic in the last paragraph.---

I am a Christian. If I only had one chance to tell you something about myself, that would be it. One thing I wouldn’t tell you, however, is that you’re going to hell if I don’t approve of you. I wouldn’t say that I am any better than you or that you are wrong if we don’t agree. Christianity is so much more than trying to figure out who is right and who is wrong. The term “Christian” seems to have been condensed to simple morals, loyalty to a church, and the jeering and pointing of fingers at political parties, homosexuals, and anyone else who fails to meet the church’s approval. Being a Christian is anything but these things. The real idea of a Christian is someone who has found life in God and is so fulfilled by God that nothing else matters.

This is my story: I grew up in the Christian church – I’ve never known anything else to do on a Sunday morning. When I was young, I would pray the exact same prayers every night before falling asleep. I believed I was a Christian because of this and my church attendance, and at the age of twelve, I was even baptized to publicly declare my faith. Once, I even played Jesus in the Easter skit. And the strangest thing was I wasn’t a Christian. I believed that I was automatically a Christian because of the things I did. But Christianity has nothing to do with works – a Christian is simply someone who believes, knows, and loves God.

As I grew older, I learned I didn’t really believe in God. I found my lifestyle was anything but Christian. I cared about my social popularity and grades more than I could have ever cared about God, and I was okay with that. I had huge fights with my family, and I secretly looked at porn. If you had asked me, I would have told you that I was a Christian, because I still went to church, prayed, and read my Bible. But honestly? I don’t know why I did any of those things – I didn’t believe any of it. And my life was anything but Christian.

I guess I believed in God. I believed all the right things, all the things they told us we had to believe in order to be considered Christian. I believed them like a student memorizes facts for a test without learning anything. I solely wanted to be accepted, so I committed to God and enjoyed the approval from the adults and my peers. Entering into high school, I secretly and subconsciously departed from Christianity. I was still doing everything I thought a Christian should do, but it was just something I did without thinking about, much like homework. If Christianity was just these things, it was useless.

I started to struggle with depression. My grades sucked, I couldn’t be myself around my friends, and I continually fought with my mom and sister. I had no reason to live. I wasn’t on the verge of suicide, but I was getting more and more frustrated with the idea that I was only living to get A’s in school and to be popular. I needed something that gave me purpose, something that wouldn’t be worthless after a week like a grade or date. After a while, I started going to a new church. I needed answers, and church seemed to provide them.

The youth pastor at my new church, Mike, had some very different ideas about God and what Christianity was like. They were different from anything I had ever heard. Mike literally believed in God. He talked about God like a real person, as though Christianity wasn’t just about doing things. He said God was still alive and He could actually help you out and talk to you and solve your problems if you approached Him and tried to listen to His voice, no matter who you were. My paradigm began to shift. No longer was the qualification of a Christian whether or not someone was a good person; it even says that in the Bible: “A man is not justified by the works of the law but by faith in Jesus Christ…by works of the law no flesh shall be justified” (Galatians 2:16, NKJV). God seemed to reveal Himself to me, though I’m not sure how to explain it. I just felt like He was there and He was talking to me everywhere I went. He seemed to show me how great it was to talk to Him and what it meant to really let Him control my life and what the result would be if I stayed obedient to Him.

I had a reason to live again and was discovering something much more lasting and exciting than anything I had ever experienced in school. Besides the way it made me feel, it made sense. I have to admit that I think there are certain things we can’t understand about God; He’s not always logically sound. But if I let go of only investing myself in things that I can understand and rationalize, I think God makes sense. And I could certainly see the change in my life. I stopped fighting with my family and myself, and I didn’t have to pretend to be somebody else when I was with the people at youth group. And if God was really God and all He wanted from me was a relationship, then it didn’t matter how good my grades were or if I was popular. All that mattered was relationship with Him, and if I had it, then I had everything.

This contradicted my entire conception of what made someone a Christian. I had thought Christianity was all about reading the Bible and being a good person, but I didn’t realize that God could actually be real. I began to think that a Christian was someone who spent time with God, who knew God and believed in Him, and had gone as far as to commit and base his life on a relationship with Him.

I began to believe that someone wouldn’t get to heaven by doing all of the right things well enough, but by loving God. But I don’t think everybody thinks like this. It seems like no one really loves God anymore; everyone is just doing. Many people claim that they are Christians and say that they love God and that they are going to heaven because of it, but their lives don’t show that they love God. Ridiculous things have been done in the name of God, by people who call themselves Christians, and I think if they truly loved God, they would realize that some of the things they do are destructive and can hardly be considered Christ-like.

Because of what “Christians” have done in the past, many have responded by turning away from God completely and wanting nothing to do with Christians. Christians have made a reputation for themselves for being arrogant jerks and clueless idiots who don’t know how to love people. Too many times have we encountered Christians who stand on street corners, telling everybody that they will go to hell if they don’t believe and repent. Jesus never said things like this, and I don’t think He would approve of things like this being said. I believe that Jesus didn’t come to condemn man (John 3:17), but He came to provide life to the fullest. He actually loved people. And I think most Christians nowadays don’t.

At the University of Oklahoma, it seems that everyone on campus is a Christian. But it also seems that no one really loves each other. They only care about “saving” people. And truly, when I am having a bad day, I don’t need someone to throw a religion at me and tell me I should believe or else I will go to hell. It is not that these things are necessarily untrue (if anything, they are gray areas and it is up to God to judge who goes to heaven or hell), but I think the approach misses the point of Christianity. Not only does this method of evangelism seem condemning and rude, but Christianity is not supposed to be about the afterlife; it is supposed to be about loving God no matter what. I don’t want to hear someone tell me God will crush me if I’m not good enough; I need someone who can tell me that God’s love is unconditional and things are going to be okay if I continue to trust that He will help me. The point of the church is not to make others like them or to judge them; the purpose of the church is to show others that Christ loves them.
I have not exactly found a church that I feel like I belong to since moving to Norman. I just don’t feel like I fit in with any of the churches in Norman or campus ministries at OU that I have attended. It is not that I don’t feel welcome; it is more like I have not found people with whom I am comfortable being myself. Sometimes it is a disagreement of doctrine, and at other times, I honestly just don’t like the people. It’s not hatred; we just seem to be from different backgrounds and have different interests and personalities.

I don’t mean to be critical, but some churches also seem to be filled with pretenders, people who appear very religious or spiritual and yet know nothing about God. They know all about the Bible, but they haven’t applied it to their lives. They know all about God, but they don’t have real relationship with Him. They don’t sit down and talk to Him because they enjoy it or because they know that God enjoys it. They do everything out of impulse, if they do it at all. I should add that I am not so different; at times, I am just like these Christians who have forgotten about God. I’m also wrong to judge, but this is what some churches feel like to me, and I think that the fake holiness that abides in the church is what non-Christians find so unappealing.

My roommate isn’t a Christian because he is fed up with all of the pretending that goes on in the church. He realizes that the church is filled with hypocrites who use God to reap the benefits, people who say one thing and do another. The last thing my roommate needs is someone to tell him he’s going to hell. I don’t try to save him; I try to love him. And I realize that I still fall short. I could never fully communicate the love that God has for him. I call myself a real Christian because I believe in God and interact with Him, but I am still only human. I struggle with the same thoughts, doubts, fears, and sins as anybody else. I try to be pleasing to God and to base my life on a relationship with Him, but it’s hard. I struggle with judging people and I show favoritism and still look at porn, and these are not things that belong in the life of someone who calls himself a Christian. I also know that my theology isn’t perfect, and I’m not trying to say that I’m right or that I know what’s going on. But I still believe in a God that is real and active, and I believe that I need someone like this God in my life.

I think that this is what really matters to God – a true desire for Him. God could really care less whether we went to church every Sunday of our lives, and He even says in the Bible, “Stop bringing meaningless offerings! Your incense is detestable to me…When you spread out your hands in prayer, I will hide my eyes from you” (Isaiah 1:13, 15, TNIV). There is nothing wrong with good works, but if they are not done out of a love for God, they are missing the point. Reading the Bible isn’t bad, but it is wrong to read the Bible for the sole purpose of making yourself look better.

Jesus chose to eat with the criminals and prostitutes instead of the Pharisees, who were the religious leaders at the time, because the Pharisees had taken God out of Christianity. They did the works, the “meaningless offerings,” not to be seen by God, but by men. If they could convince others that they were strong Christians, they could manipulate power in their favor. So they would stand on street corners and pray aloud and they would fast and disfigure their faces so it looked like they had given so much to God, but really, they did all of this so they could be seen by men. They didn’t want God; they wanted their own glory and power.

It seems that many Christians have become like the Pharisees, people who do certain acts only to be seen by men. I would argue that these people have taken Christ out of Christianity and made it about works instead. And when Christianity is no longer centered on God and interaction with Him, it stops being so appealing. Most of the reason of why I am a Christian is because I have gained so much from learning about God and what He has said and done. The excitement doesn’t come from going to church or reading my Bible; the excitement comes from interaction with God Himself.

I was talking to one of my friends who said he used to believe in God; he said he would read his Bible and pray, but eventually, he got to the end of it. If Christianity is just reading stories and morals out of a “sacred” book and praying to an impersonal God, then it is pointless. It wouldn’t really do that much good. But if Christianity could be about God, then it would actually mean something. It would mean that people could start putting their trust in God out of a belief that He actually exists. We wouldn’t have to be consumed by school and getting high paying jobs, because they wouldn’t matter; we wouldn’t have to worry about who we are going to marry, because we would know that God has already planned the perfect spouse for us. It would mean social hierarchies would break and everyone could be accepted. It would weaken poverty, because people would actually care about others and give away the things they don’t need. The ramifications of what Christ-centered Christians could do are endless.

It is because of these ramifications that I am a Christian – because I desire something bigger than this world and something greater than money and fame. I think God provides this. I am a Christian because my life seems rather empty without God and only a relationship with Him has filled that void. I don’t love God because I want to go to heaven. I don’t love God because I want to be able to say I am a better person than everybody else. I love God because I think that is my purpose in life, and I love Him because He is worthy to be loved.

Lord (I don't know) by the Newsboys

one of my friends has a photo album on Facebook called The Places No One Sees. it's pretty nice. a great idea too. to see what everyone seems to miss. like the stars, for example. or the beauty of people. the seeming impossibility of mechanics as simple as riding a bike. the way rhythm fits into itself. seeing the people that no one sees. befriending who is weak, letting yourself be vulnerable. but that's not where i'm going with this post.

hopefully i'll touch someone's heart with this. and i don't know how to say it, or what to say, so i'm just gonna start writing.

you know God died for us? He died so that we wouldn't live stagnant lives. and so we get caught up with everything and we forget, and we count His salvation and His grace common (Hebrews 10:29), and we deny Him. and so when we look around and see all of the destruction or failure or disappointment and chaos and whatever around us, we just want to quit. we want to give up. we want to say "look at all the crap i've done. and i just don't want to deal with it. i don't have strength... look. i just don't want to deal with this."

and yet the world moves on, the day goes on, the train starts moving again and if you take a second, take a day off, you're behind. you're gone. more failure, more disappointment, more frustration, more work. less energy. you took a break and ironically you end up more tired than before. people say relax, but you don't know how. it might as well be a foreign word you can't comprehend.

and then you have Christians looking at you, expecting you to feel it, and you just can't tell them, "look, i'm just not feeling it. i don't want to deal with this." and you got non-Christians looking at you wondering if you're going to screw up, wondering why you're even a Christian in the first place, and you throw on another mask because you can't tell them, "look, i'm just not feeling it." and responsibilities at home and at school build up, and responsibilities to the church, and they're responsibilities. if you don't do them, that would make you irresponsible. and, all of a sudden, the church, which was supposed to help build you up, could be tearing you down. school, which is supposed to make you come alive and get you involved with things you like, ends up killing you. and home isn't a home or a refuge. it's a battleground. and then still, you have this tug on your heart that says, "come on, why aren't you spending time with God?"

wouldn't it be great to live a day not thinking saying "i'm glad just to be here," instead of "oh man, i have this homework that i really need to get done." wouldn't it be great to take a class thinking "i'm just blown away to have this opportunity," instead of saying, "well, if i get this A..."

and that tug is still on your heart, asking "why aren't you spending time with God?"

...

and don't you see? that voice isn't from God. it's not from God, not in that context at least. the Christians ask you, "why aren't you spending time with God?" the nonChristians ask you, "what's so great about your god?" pretty soon everyone is telling you, "i thought you were better than that." condemnation all around, all you can eat. and what is God saying?

you don't know. you might not even be able to guess.

this is why you need God to be true.

this is why you need God in the first place.

because He didn't come to condemn (John 3:17).

the world is going up in flames and you can't see your hand in front of your face, and your whole day is like a buffet of condemnation, and home's not home and church isn't church and school doesn't seem like anything more than dead weight. and what you really want to do is leave. quit. call it off. because the voice is still saying, "why aren't you spending time with God?"

you know what God asks?

He asks you to be in peace. He asks you to live in His peace. so that when the world goes up in flames like it's going now, you don't go through the agony of condemnation. in 1 Corinthians 7, paul is talking about relationships, and he's talking about the grief of someone leaving in a relationship,* a relationship not working out the way you want it to work, when all of a sudden he says, "But God has called us to peace."

you know what God asks?

"let me take Your burdens. let me fix what's really bugging you, let me fix what you don't want to deal with."

and you respond, "God i don't know how. i don't have the energy."

and God says, "you don't have to do anything. just be willing." you're unconvinced. it seems like the effort has to be on your part. and God says, "you don't have to do anything. i already did it all. just put your faith in me. instead of doing something, put your faith in me that i'll take care of what you need. just be willing."

you say, "i don't want to be willing. i don't want to change."

but if you don't change...all you will ever have is the world condemning you. if you change, which ultimately can only come from God...all you will ever have is peace.

...

i offer this prayer: Lord, i don't know what i'm doing. i don't know what's going on. i'm a bit sick of myself. the circumstances are only getting worse, and i am so easily influenced by what is going on around me that i easily abandon you and forget who i am meant to be. i forget any kind of higher purpose than instant gratification and to be seen by men. Lord, please let me come back. please let me do things Your way. please give me faith. please give me a heart that is focused and centered on You, and let me realize that i really need You. for everything. i need You to be God, i need You to be everything. that is the only thing i need. for You to come into my life and be who You are. God, i pray you would lead me to fall in love with You. i don't know what needs to happen on my part, and i don't know if i'm willing, but God, i pray that You would make me willing. God, i pray You would make me to fall in love with You, because that is where i will come alive.

...

*(okay, this isn't the best example, because the relationship paul is talking about is in the context of a nonbeliever and a believer. take this into consideration, but i wasn't trying to manipulate verses. i think the idea of grief is what was important)

character and cutting peoples' ears off

the weather in Norman is extraordinary. it's getting colder, but it'll still be really nice.

i went back to tulsa for the weekend, since billy was leading worship for the big English service as well as youth group. interestingly enough, i kind of got caught up in the moment during youth group worship (i was playing keys). there was this song called Rain Down, and in it, it seemed like we were getting kind of mad at God. well, i was anyways, and if i had only ever lived in that moment, i would have been a rather mean person. i was mad at God because He put up with us and put up with our stagnancy and He let us live these lives that weren't necessarily glorifying to Him. i guess, essentially, i was calling God's character into play. i later realized...i need God to be God. i need Him not to change for my sake, as if things were about me. but God is God and He is perfect and He knows all things and shouldn't change and, even better, won't change. He doesn't change, He is always loving, though there are about an infinity of different dimensions to His character, i think, and we only see a couple of them. and then i remembered...that i pretty much do it to myself. stagnancy. i asked to be separated from Him, i told Him to get lost, i asked this upon myself. so... what i said during worship yesterday completely undermined grace. it kind of said that i had a right to be glorifying to God, and it sorta also blamed God, in a way, that i wasn't being glorifying to Him. i was in the wrong. i was mad at God for the wrong reasons. i was reading in Acts, and someone is talking to a church somewhere and talking about the people who killed Jesus... he said that they couldn't find anything wrong with Jesus, but they still killed Him, without reason, just because they wanted to.

actual, looking throughout the book of John, not many people seem to understand Jesus. most try to kill Him, and most are certain that He is speaking lies and He is either demon possessed or a drunkard. Jesus came to be the King and Savior of the Jews and yet, even the Jews didn't want to claim Him as their king. (John 1 - Jesus came to His own and His own did not receive Him.) i read somewhere (i think in Donald Miller) that Jesus must have been insane or the real deal - He's actually who He says He is. even His followers didn't exactly follow Him. they diverted from His ways and there were times when they acted out of their own impulse instead of considering what Jesus would have done. which doesn't make them any different from us. just as they fell asleep when Jesus went to Gethsemane, i seem to fall asleep on Jesus on a frequent basis, perhaps when big things are about to happen.

when Jesus is in Gethsemane and some soldiers come to arrest Him, Peter ends up slicing one of the soldiers' ears off, maybe just caught up in the moment of it all. now, keep in mind this is very gross. and you'd probably be pretty mad if someone just came at you and cut your ear off. you would be hurt and you would think they were crazy. and it must have hurt a lot. even though this is a guy arresting Jesus, Jesus corrects Peter and puts the guy's ear back on, whose name is Malchus (the high priest; interestingly enough, his name showed up in one translation i was reading, but it's not in NKJV...), and you have to wonder whatever happened to him. things like that don't happen everyday.

but this was Peter (his name is not actually mentioned in NKJV either...it simply reads "one of those who were with Jesus") - this was someone that Jesus chose to follow Him. i'm not saying i'm better than peter, i'm certainly not saying that. and this is the story of any one who follows Jesus and even any one who doesn't follow Jesus - you end up hurting someone, even if you didn't mean to. Peter, who said he was a follower of Jesus and actually was a follower of Jesus (literally), diverted from the ways of Jesus, and hurt a guy by cutting his ear off. the guy was probably mad and confused and in a lot of pain and, if the guy who cut his ear off was one with jesus, he probably wouldn't like Jesus. but Jesus deals with what peter has done and He fixes the situation - He heals who has been hurt, saying.

a lot of people have been hurt by the church and people who say they follow Christ, and there have been a lot of lame things that have been done in Christ's name and i know that i myself screw up and am a perfect example of beautiful chaos. someone who tries really hard to follow Jesus, but i'm really not unlike anybody else. i make mistakes just the same and i give nonbelievers and believers alike the ability to say that Christians are no better than anybody else, and on occasion, severely worse. people don't like God because people don't like the church, and i can't really blame them, and they turn away from God because the church has turned away from what it is supposed to do. because the followers of Christ have set bad examples and diverted from the ways of Jesus, going around cutting peoples' ears off, people respond naturally. they are turned away. they are mad and they are in pain and they are confused.

and...Jesus grabs that ear, grabs what has been hurt, and puts it back. that's about it. He doesn't say, "now you should believe" or "you owe me this one." He does it and then He lets them arrest Him. interestingly enough, the followers are about as wrong as the people about to kill Him. we're both alike, we're both human. you ask what's the difference then, and what's the significance of following Jesus if it creates no difference in a person's life from someone not following Jesus. and i have an idea what the answer is, but if you asked me to live it out, i'm not sure. i could point to DL Moody or Billy Graham or Mother Teresa, i could point to other peoples' lives and say - hey, look at that. that was what it meant to really follow Jesus, but probably the best way i could show you is with my own life.

you see, a lot of Christians (or at least people like me) are stuck between truly committing everything to God and being in compromise with the world. things like pride get in the way, things like not being willing to live a life totally centered around God, focused on God and getting God glory and forgetting about ourselves and not thinking highly of ourselves at all and not even wanting things like popularity and grades and money like everyone else. but when you really follow Jesus... things change. your life changes, your source of energy changes. it should. because all of a sudden, you won't be living for yourself. you'll be living for God, and God approves of that. you'll go through hard times, and hopefully you won't crack and turn from God, but as long as you're focused on God... i don't know. things might be like hell, but i really believe that you'll see God smiling down on you. i really believe that you'll know in your heart and soul that you're doing the right thing, even if it hurts.

and here lies the challenge that i extend to myself as i type this. glorify God. give Him your time. talk to Him. pursue actual relationship, be open to change, be open to be changed and have expectations be changed and be open to having your dreams and your own plans fall out of the picture. ask Him how to spend time with Him, ask Him where to find Him. because it's not always just reading a Bible and praying and meditating and playing a guitar. life is worship. you can worship, you can find God, just by living. by going throughout your day just like any other day and having it look like just another day, but knowing in your heart that there is a tension that you need to see God today and bring glory to Him because if you don't try today, then who's to say that you will tomorrow? there should be no waiting. now's the time to worship, to get serious.

i read this yesterday night:
"We do not need the grace of God to withstand crises - human nature and pride are sufficient for us to face the stress and strain magnificently. But it does require the supernatural grace of God to live twenty-four hours of every day as a saint, going through drudgery, and living an ordinary, unnoticed, and ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus. It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God - but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people."

OUTEDIT (tangent):
the first church starts in Acts after Jesus had died and risen and the apostles are baptized in the Holy Spirit. they get "tongues of fire" and 3000 people are saved that day and they all hang out together, "continuing daily with one accord in the temple...praising God and having favor with all the people. and the Lord added to the church daily those who were being saved." and then Peter and John went on a walk a little while later and a blind man gets healed in the process and they speak with boldness, how God has healed the blind man and how "there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved." and the multitude grew and they shared everything "and with great power the apostles gave witness to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus. And great grace was upon them all. Nor was there anyone among them who lacked" (Acts 4: 33-34). everyone sold everything they had, so much so that they didn't own anything of their own, and they gave to the disciples, who then distributed to those in need, so that everyone was taken care of. people actually gave away everything they had - that's why it was such a big deal that Ananias and his wife Sapphira claimed that they had given everything away when they had secretly kept things for themselves - they had kept things away from the church, which was actually weighing it down...and so they were killed on the spot. but this is so radically different from our lives now. we don't do things like this. many of us don't even believe in the baptism of the Holy Spirit and "tongues of fire." i think that the apostles and the first church honored and glorified God in everything that they did. they worshiped God. and now, we worship religion.

revolution

revolution, at any level, requires you to be aware of something greater than yourself. it means stepping out of yourself. getting away from yourself, separating yourself from yourself, if that made sense. because revolution is change, and change for the better requires God.

when i am feeling good, i might take a shower, put on some baggy jeans and maybe wear my glasses, clean everything up, make my bed, and sit on it at my laptop or to read and maybe even sometimes ponder how great it feels. but really, that's a pretty small deal. in fact, the only thing it accomplishes is making me feel better. i mean, that's great for me, and it's convenient, but i'm not sure it exactly gets anything done.

God's revolution goes deeper then a clean room, then a clean appearance. it touches a heart, changes a soul, alters a personality. something like...pride. lust. malicious thoughts. what about brokenness? self-doubt? what about pretending? performance mentality? deception? God's revolution cleans the soul. but it requires...God. God's got to be in the driver seat of our lives, instead of us. we can't lead ourselves, we can't guide or direct our lives. we're lost. we're fragile. we're misled. we've misled others. we need to be found, to be corrected.

and so revolution takes stepping away from ourselves, perhaps outside of ourselves. it requires us to have our eyes focused on greater things than feeling good. and it's possible to use God to feel good. it's sin too. you can sin in the church just as easily as you can outside of it, and you can keep your eyes on yourself through the whole service and whenever you pray. i forgot and that's what i did.

i have a misconception about God. when one girl says that she cares about me, i think "oh, now i have a reason to try to succeed. i better get my act together because someone is watching," but i didn't think that in relation to God. i didn't value that God was watching everything, hoping that i would make the choices, but also violently disappointed at my compromises and agreements with sin. and all the more violently disappointed because i didn't consider Him as my audience, my singular audience. and i didn't consider Him as a worthy audience. i didn't consider Him as my only real audience.

that's why i used to run. the little things that no one saw, i knew God saw, so i did them. i worked hard when no one saw because i knew God saw. in the little things that no one sees or pays attention to, in those secret places, God speaks. it's like how there were thunderstorms, earthquakes, and other natural disasters when Elijah was running away, but God didn't speak in any of those things. He spoke in the silence, He whispered in one of those moments most would have missed. i would miss. anyone would miss if they were not looking for it, desperate and set for it.

i don't run like i used to run. when i see people running, i spite them. i think arrogant thoughts and shoot them down, jumping to competition. i want to get away from that. i want something better. but it's still a bigger fight than i can even begin to battle or think of battling. i'm cornered on all sides, the time isn't to fight. the time is to praise. the time is to worship, and to lose myself in worship.

i was reading the first couple chapters of Acts, it was talking about how the first real revolution came when the apostles, 12 of them, were all in one accord, and they were blessed and taken over by the Holy Spirit, speaking in tongues, and that day, 3000 got saved because they saw something they had never seen before and they all lived together and shared together and people were being daily added to their fellowship, daily saved.

revolution, at any level, requires God. we don't know how to do it. need to step away from pride, need to stop taking stock in what i think i know, in what i have. and try to give to God. because He's worthy.

transitions

i guess i'm in that weird spot that probably all college students have to go through. i don't really have a home. i don't really have a family, or a church, or a best friend. i don't really have a mentor, and i don't have a girlfriend.

the only thing i still have is God, and i must admit that it's not exactly satisfying. i don't think i'm giving Him my whole heart, but...i've still given Him something (the easy things, probably, until it gets hard), so i expect to go somewhere, and if i don't, then it's not exactly satisfying. i think i want it to resemble work too. i want to go out and save people and end poverty and hunger and change things and...maybe get a rock star kind of personality, the kind of Christian heavyweights like Rob Bell or Chris Tomlin. but...it's not about that at all, and if i want it to be like that, it'll be the same as giving up on God with the alias of a Christian.

each day at a time. no regrets. do what you can, nothing more. don't get down on yourself. failure happens. but success happens. don't be so numbed that you don't enjoy it. God will enjoy it too. weigh your relationships. count your blessings and your priorities. consider changing. consider work ethic - all things that are worth doing are hard and may take discipline. change what needs to be changed. evaluate yourself. be reflective. seize the day. no regrets.

we're all blessed. what's funny is that usually only the destitute and blind see it. only the truly destitute and blind understsand what it means to love and the simple joy of an answered prayer. we don't know love and one answered prayer only seems to prompt more and more requests for answers and signs than praise for a God who hears, tolerates, and grants us our deepest wishes and, sometimes, our most on-the-surface wishes.

oh yeah, and add to that second to last paragraph. it's gotta be God. don't be so consumed by work or stress or schedules or laziness that you miss it. every moment is precious, every heart beautiful. everything cries out to His glory, to this Savior, even if they don't know who they're crying to or can see who it is they need. there's a reason why we love movies like Finding Nemo or Pride and Prejudice or Spiderman 3. because we believe. we want life to be like that, filled with love and the drama and such belief in a hero who will push himself to all sorts of limits to overcome the evil that is separation or a villain or misunderstanding.

and that is truth is this: our lives are just like this. they're precious, they're beautiful. but our only audience will be God. don't let other people be your audience, because they're actors right alongside you, living their own movies. the only one outside of the story - heck, even telling the story - is God. and your life is like the movies. when you fall in love, God sits back, overcome by joy, and wants it to last just like you do. when you fall into depression and deception, a tear comes to God's eye and He wants it to end just like you do. and when everything has become so numbing, so stressful and seemingly meaningless, God pursues. God heals. God moves.

your life is a movie, it's something wonderful. but you've got to overcome first. you might have all this crap and junk in your life, i know i do. maybe you have to get out of school first, maybe it'll take a couple of years. maybe it's something that needs to change now, maybe something that should be handled later. but you don't have to overcome it; in fact, i wouldn't be surprised if the fight was so much bigger than us that we couldn't stand up against our Goliaths. God's there. God's the hero in the movie, the one who gives everything away so you can finally stop and realize, at the very end, how much He had really given away. so you can stop and finally see everything He had really done was, in fact, for you. and He did all of this so that, at the end, the bombs will be going off and people will be screaming all around you, and time will slow down, and the only words that anyone will ever hear are "I love you. I love you, God." and the only words you'll ever hear again are "I love you too."

God wouldn't hold on to something He didn't view beautiful

A rabbi would only pick a disciple who he thought could actually do what he was doing. Notice how many places in the accounts of Jesus' life he gets frustrated with his disciples. Because they are incapable? No, because of how capable they are. He sees what they could be and could do, and when they fall short, it provokes him to no end. It isn't their failure that's the problem; it's their greatness. They don't realize what they are capable of.

God has an incredibly high view of people. God believes that people are capable of amazing things.

I have been told that I need to believe in Jesus. Which is a good thing. But what I am learning is that Jesus believes in me.

I have been told that I need to have faith in God. Which is a good thing. But what I am learning is that God has faith in me.

-Rob Bell, in Velvet Elvis

---

It goes back to one of the Scriptures that says "Be holy, for I am holy." God tells us to be holy, because He is holy. now He knows that we can't be Him - we can't be God - because we are just men and women, and we are the created, not the creators. but maybe what He's getting at is that just because we're not perfect, it doesn't mean that we can't be like Him. just because we struggle with sin and the things of the world doesn't mean we can't be lifted above it. God really thinks we can be like Him. in fact, the whole concept of being a Christian is being Christ like. the first people to be called Christians were done so because they were actually mistaken for Christ. they were like Christ.

the implications of this is that they must have been doing the things of God, they were doing the things that Jesus did. being humble, not caring about credibility. facing the Pharisees, being threatened and hated, but also freeing people. healing weaknesses and diseases and casting out demons and baptizing people and having a relationship with the Father and not bringing glory to themselves but to the Father. and doing miracles and praying. they were holy because He was and is holy.

the intro excerpt is from the book Velvet Elvis and it talks about how Jesus, a rabbi, called out some of his disciples, and the role of the rabbi was to have disciples who they believed could carry on doing what the rabbi was currently doing. the way Rob Bell made it sound was that the disciples usually went to the rabbi looking for something like an apprenticeship or internship, but here, Jesus goes to the people He had chosen, and asks them to follow Him. He has specific people in mind and He calls them out because not only does He want them, but He thinks that they are capable of carrying on what He is doing. to do His work, His will.

it says somewhere in the New Testament that good works isn't a reason to get proud about yourself because all of your good works were planned by God for you. this means that God planned out works for you to do...good works, even. works to be proud of. and if He planned them just for you, not only does that mean He must really know you and care about you, but He is giving you something that He believes you can handle. He has planned something for you that you should be able to do. i mean, we are sinners. but if we're children of the light, sons and daughters of God, then we're gonna do the work of God.

sometimes things get screwed up. lust or pride or thinking really malicious, stupid thoughts. and it's a stumbling block. a huge stumbling block, and it's easy to want to give up, thinking God wouldn't want me. i would just be a blemish on His perfect track record. i don't want to weigh Him down, i don't want Him to have to deal with me because i'm just going to keep falling to this sin. and the thing is... God wants you not because He is trying to be nice. He doesn't want you because He feels like He's doing charity or something. He wants you because He really sees something beautiful in you.

it's like you have this great God, this really beautiful, amazing, infinitely and eternally large God who is true and just and right and loving all at the same time. someone who loves and lets Himself be vulnerable while simultaneously not letting Himself be taken advantage of and not letting people get away with the things that they try to get away with. and i think of this perfect God and wonder why He might die for me. it's because He thinks that we're beautiful. someone so beautiful wouldn't hold on to something that He didn't think was beautiful. God wouldn't hold on to and die for something of no value. He really wants us. He really loves us.

He has a high view of us. He wants us to be like Him; He believes that we can be like Him. He believed this so much that He let Himself die just so that we could have a chance to prove Him right.

grace and its impossible implications

catching up: i've been reading through John in the Message Remix translation, it's pretty good. trying to see who the real Jesus, what He was really like. also went to Kai Alpha tonight, Thursdays are my favorite days. went to Journey on Tuesday night, it's also pretty good. start a new job tomorrow, at Cafe Plaid. hope i'm not working that much. going to give some to God and then my mom, and then maybe buy a camera or...celebrate some way, i'm not really sure. the big OU-Miami game is this weekend. had grace to run tonight. today was a good day.

i think i would rather prefer things to be impossible. more of God, less of me. it occurs to me that things would be a lot better if i could look at things through "grace glasses," like a lens. if i could look at everything and say, "man, i really didn't deserve that," or "i shouldn't have been able to do that. that wasn't me." if i could get away from pride and live my life under God's grace, just like that song that says His grace is enough, then i think things would be good.

there were a couple of things i thought about during worship tonight at Kai Alpha.

i look around my life and i see some great things. and this is grace. you know how i said that i wished things were impossible? things should be impossible. things shouldn't be like the way they are. i shouldn't be able to run or apply myself and get good grades or get to think of myself as popular and i shouldn't even get to challenge God or run from God or find myself so blessed by God. and even if my life had very little to do with experiencing God, i'd still have something in my life. i'd still have things i could be proud of, things i could remember for the rest of my life, period. and this is grace. because that should be impossible.

us being who we are. the miracle of life. you've done some pretty amazing things. and not to undermine them at all, but... it just kinda seems to me like we have something. and we don't deserve something. we deserve...not to be trusted. because we don't trust. we don't love, so what do we deserve? not to be loved? we don't go out of our ways to make others feel comfortable, we screw up and we can't help it, we hurt people around us no matter how hard we try not to, and we just can't keep ourselves from having mood swings and saying stupid things sometimes and not thinking things through. so what do we deserve? the last thing we deserve is for someone to die for us, much less a king, a god, a creator, our creator. we aren't that important.

what do we deserve? "those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh...to be carnally minded is death" (somewhere in Romans or Hebrews). we have these great things, things we can really be proud of. and yet...it's impossible. things shouldn't be like this. you see? this is grace! things were impossible. God made this possible. even when we aren't giving back to Him, even when we refuse to look Him straight in the eye and see our situation, He still makes things possible. this is grace.

the first time i had grace to run, it was just so obvious. it was the middle of the workout and i was just running mediocre times in the beginning, but towards the middle, i was running with about the same effort as i had in the beginning, but i soon found myself towards the front of the pack, with the good runners. this wasn't supposed to happen, was it? so i did what anyone would have done. i ran my heart out, because i couldn't get enough. i couldn't run out...grace was just plain there. and i liked it. so i ran my heart out.

then there are other times, the workouts that aren't easy. the workouts that you look forward to, and even though they hurt, you still have grace to see the challenge and persevere through it, knowing that you will get to be faster. knowing that you will get to be put to the test and actually genuinely looking forward to it, not fearing it. this is grace.

then there are the workouts that you do fear. the workouts that are just like hell, where you can't go any faster and your energy is completely spent and yet you're not even close to hitting your times. and you probably know what i'm going to say. it's grace. still grace. because you're still out there running the workout. no matter how hard it is, remember - this should be impossible. there's no reason we should be running in the first place. impossible is nothing. it's all grace.

and this is the message of God. we were faced with the impossibilities, and God overcame them for us. if we could look at everything with this kind of recognition, this kind of abandonment of pride, some kind of dependence on God, then...i can only imagine what God would do. i can only imagine how much more He would show us that nothing is impossible. that He has bridged the gap. that the kingdom of grace knows no limits, no boundaries.

golf is like God (EDIT)

caution: this was written under the assumption of sweeping generalizations that could be harmfully stereotypical, but are not exactly considered offensive by the writer. please note that all golf fans do not look alike, just as not all Chinese people know kung fu and not all Christians are jerks (some are though, just as many Chinese people know kung fu or are horrible drivers)

i volunteered at the PGA championships at Southern Hills, Tulsa, three times this past week. not exactly because i am a die hard golf fan... i think i might have been one of a very small percentage out there that wasn't the slightest of a golf follower. but i volunteered because i liked the idea of selling ice cream and getting to see the masses of crowds that come out from everywhere to watch the best compete.

upon my first few moments at Southern Hills, i realized i had missed some memo it looked like everyone else had received. apparently if i wanted to fit in with all of these golf fanatics, i should have worn khaki shorts, sometimes cargos, with a belt, and a solid or striped polo shirt tucked into the shorts. above that, i should have either really sweet shades or some kind of hat or visor (as it is amazingly hot) or both, and unanimously cool shoes are absolutely mandatory. i repeat, golf fans have really cool kicks. really cool. on top of that, whenever they use the term "couple," they always seem to mean the number 2, as in "I'd like a couple of frozen lemonades," and they might call you "guy," as in "I'd like a couple of frozen lemonades, guy"

just on the basis that i wasn't wearing a polo shirt had me isolated, feeling left out. and, on top of that, i didn't even like golf. based on all of these generalizations i have made, i started wondering what i would do if i wanted to like golf. and automatically, i considered that it would take a polo shirt and some really nice Nike's. and i would have to go to a bunch of tournaments, such as this one - the PGA championship - and withstand the smashing heat to spend an entire week of watching people hit golf balls around. i would fit in with everyone else, looking just like them, and i would sit in the stands and make sure to clap and applaud when someone hit a good shot and then say things like "I'd like a couple of frozen lemonades"

and then i realized that this is only what i would do if i wanted to associate with people who like golf. i realized i could fit in very well with them without liking golf at all; i could fit in and fool everyone without the passion that they shared... but i could fit in, nonetheless. but what's the point of looking like you like golf and hanging with people who like golf and perhaps reaping whatever benefits golf fans enjoy if you don't like golf to begin with? i think, when it really boils down to it, a golf fan has all of these characteristics regarding things they do and what they look like, but if you were to simplify a golf fan to one thing, their mannerisms wouldn't matter anymore. it wouldn't be about the clothes or the lingo or even the really nice shoes - it would boil down to something as cheesy sounding as "the love of the game."

in the same way, people look at Christians. what would i want to do if i were to become a Christian or if i wanted to fit in with Christians? i would probably go to church. read my Bible, do what is called praying to God or blessing the food. give some money to charity or something, go to Bible studies. and when everything is stripped away, it's not how well you looked or sung or whether you never missed a Sunday your whole life or whether you have a degree in divinity hanging on your wall. it's not even how many souls you might have saved or whether you spoke in tongues or prophesied or had enough faith to move a mountain. it's the passion. love of the game, but here, it's a love of God.

and this is what gets lost in translation, or in generation. because being Christian isn't about all of these different things that we do, about praying before we eat and going to Sunday every morning and shouting "amen" at the right time in a sermon. being a Christian doesn't take any of this stuff. it's all hype, someone could say - it's all just things that are supposed to bring us closer to God, and if they are used as anything but tools, then they're just things being done to fit in or a habit that shouldn't have ever become a habit or a regular rhythm.

on a last note, golf isn't for everyone. i don't really like golf, as of now, but i'm sure i would begin to like it if i could see what made everyone else fall in love with it in the first place. but still, golf isn't exactly for the blind or the physically disabled or middle aged women with identity crises. but i think God is for everyone. i think God is life and love, and i think everyone deserves that. not everyone can golf or fall in love with golf because golf won't exactly fix their needs or help them with their burdens. but i think God's for everyone. no one's an exception. but it doesn't take looking anything like what you might think Christians should look like. it doesn't take nice clothes or being a jerk or singing songs, and it should never be about these things. it should just be trying to get to God. falling in love, finding a passion.

and this is why i say golf is like God.

---

here in college, my resident director Daniel is one of the most Christian guys i know, to use the term Christian as a follower of Christ, and he has said that he's not a very religious guy at all. he's said he has no problem with doing Bible studies in a bar. and he likes Family Guy. when i told my roommate Evan that Daniel had the first three seasons, Evan was surprised, because he said that just in knowing him for the couple of hours that he had, he would not suspect that he be a Family Guy fan. i told him that Daniel would surprise him. i didn't say it, but i realized later that what Daniel was doing was redefining faith.

some evangelists, some Christians will say that faith has to work a certain way, that in order to love God, you have to do certain things, and i guess it is essentially saying that if you love God, then you should appear in a certain way, like a golf fan might want to say that a certain person couldn't like golf looking like that, though that is taking the golf metaphor to an extreme (i wouldn't be surprised if golf fans were more inviting than Christians). doing gets caught up with passion, with love.

being around OU, where everyone is Christian, forces faith to be redefined. there's a difference between being saved and running to get closer to God. it is easy to stop at salvation and get in the rut of doing things and performing actions, but faith should be alive. it should be constantly put to the test so that it can be strengthened and renewed, it should be showing up in all areas of life because it is actually relevant to the now and what we deal with and how we live our lives.

in a sense, we're breaking away from all of this doing. we're going to keep praying and reading our Bibles and singing songs and taking communion, but it's not the doing of them that's important or that even justifies us as worshippers or followers. it's our hearts that God is listening to. because if you take a real Christian who does Christian things and a nonChristian who does Christian things, neither one is better. anyone can go to church their whole lives and learn the whole routine of how to be a Christian, but then it might just be doing. God listens to our hearts, and He does so in secret. He doesn't listen to our hearts and exclaim to Himself, "this guy is so much more pure than the next." He listens if we want to be better than the others. if we want to be successful, if we want to win our battles, if we want to be someones in this world and do things for Christ, if we want to make it to happen.

but i think what He really wants to be able to hear is a desire for Him. to know His heart. to realize that being someone to God means you don't have to be someone to the world, and so doing becomes irrelevant. i get into this problem where i really want to do something for God and i can't tell if it's just because i want God and i want to experience Him and let Him work through me, or whether i just want to do something to be someone, to be looked high upon instead of lifting God high. in this case, it would be better that i not go off and start a church or do anything. it'd be better that God keep me from doing anything so that i could fall in love with Him instead of falling in love with who God makes me to be. and that even in my doing something - even if i am partaking in the work of God - it's not about the doing. it's about falling in love with God.

looking past the surface (AP IB Super College Life)

within the first two chapters of Job, we're introduced to pretty much the wealthiest man in the east, pretty much the Bill Gates of their time. and God trusts Job, so that when Satan pretty much says he rules the world, God decides to test Job's faith, i guess because He has a lot of confidence in Job. so, in about a ten minute period or so (about five "immediately after's"), four or five different slaves show up saying that everything he owns has perished by works of God (things like earthquakes and fire falling from the sky) - killing not only all of his workers, but all of his livestock, and all of his children, and the Bible makes a point of saying Job was the wealthiest man in the East, so this is kind of a big deal. then Satan gives him boils throughout his entire body, and yet Job refuses to curse God. when his three best friends go to visit him, Job is so grieved that no one speaks for an entire week and then Job goes on to say that he wishes he had never been born (though i don't think he turns from God).

and i think it's clear that Job must have had a pretty truth-based faith. you would expect most people in his position to be jerks, but it says that Job stood blameless and upright before God. and you have to expect that when God started testing Job's faith like He did, Job probably wasn't feeling God very much. it probably wasn't very much of a spiritual high for him, it wasn't like ecstacy or anything. it was just...nearly everything he had gone.

and if i could get to this point... that must really be love. Job must have really loved God. mike said one time that in worship, one of three things will happen - we will touch the heart of God, God will touch our hearts, or both of us will touch the heart of the other. and God wasn't really touching Job's heart in the way that Job would have liked, but i think Job was touching God's heart and that God must have been smiling or crying or both when Job's wife told him to give up his integrity and curse God and Job refused to give up his integrity and that if we were going to accept God's gifts and blessings, why should we not accept adversity?

so we're talking about falling in love, and this isn't supposed to be super spiritual or anything like that. it's not like "what we have to do to be in love with God," because you can't really write a tutorial to fall in love. and it's more than just God, it's nearly any real romantic relationship.

in luke 14, it talks about starting what you finish - knowing what it takes to lay the foundation and build the building and then doing it. it's like knowing what it takes to run a race, knowing the costs that it will take to finish building the entire house, because you can't just stop short and move into a broken house, something without a roof or something important like that. some of my friends just move in to broken houses. they enroll in hard classes and see how long they can stay in them, not really intending on finishing the class...just wondering how long they can stay in them. so that when things get tough - adversity - people just drop out. because the truth is...being a Christian hurts. you try to invest a life you don't have into God...you try to go against everything everyone seems to be telling you. you have to look like an idiot sometimes, you have to look like you hate your family just so that you can follow God, and He cuts off everything that's not of Him because He realizes that as long as there are areas where He's not in control, these areas can't grow, and so they are really just bringing us down.

what are you going to do? are you going to run this race? because you obviously don't have to. you can enroll in the class and get out when it starts to be overwhelming. you don't even have to enroll in the class. because this is like AP IB super college Life, and none of us have seen anything like it before. you're not going to find Sparknotes on any of this, no cheat sheets. but instead of Life, it seems like Faith or Love would be more appropriate. and truth be told, things aren't about faith or even about love, and you can't really even teach either. you can't teach how to have faith in someone, how to love someone. it's not exactly textbook material.

it's not a class at all. it's a relationship. it's God.

what would you do for a relationship? what would you do for someone you love? you know you'd give it all. you know you'd spend a week thinking about the smallest things, the smallest embrace. you'd wait a week just to try to catch a glimpse of that someone, the things that break their heart would truly break your heart, seeing them come to life would bring you to life just as easily. you'd wait a summer just to see something you'd never seen before. and the adversity wouldn't matter. you would hardly see it. you might hardly care. you would just try to get back to that point of peace or intimacy. and you would dare to do the impossible. what would it take to get to them? what would it take for you to be together? you would do whatever it takes.

the thing about this is...we gotta be ready. when you want to run the race of your life, you start training. you start running at least months in advance so that by the time the race comes, you can run hard and fast. in the same way, if you're in a relationship and someone leaves for a period of time, you would spend that time trying to fill voids. you would get ready for them, so that when they came back, you could fill their needs, sorta. you could make things easier, you could impress or please them. this is really what all the hype is. trying to get to where God wants us to be.

and there's a law that is meant to bring us into the direction of the relationship, but the relationship isn't about the law, and the fulfilling of the law isn't exactly necessary for the wellbeing of the relationship (the law was our tutor to bring us to Christ, that we might be justified by faith. but after faith has come, we are no longer under a tutor - galatians 3:24-25). i think it really boils down to this - how much are you willing to give to God? would you give Him your relationships? your money? your dreams? because if we are trying to get to be the people that God wants us to be, then we have to be willing to give it all away. we have to be willing to be humble and to be humbled, which means that things are going to hurt. we're going to have to be disciplined, to be chastened. we're going to have to make sacrifices and fail miserably sometimes and let go of the things we want the most...all for the sake of a relationship.

SPC Championship and Short on Relationships

i'm truthfully tired and...confused, i guess. it feels like i'm just gonna try to get through this next week, like i'm just doing all of the different things that i have set aside for this week, and i don't like when things are like that because then that can take up your whole life because it has no end. but anyway, i'm gonna tell you a story:

we were in Dallas for the SPC championships in track, the one thing that we had been planning for and thinking about for essentially the entire track season, the last two or three months of my running life. so when we got there Wednesday night, you could imagine that i had trouble sleeping, also knowing that this would be my last races and i had to run my heart out for us to do well. so, due to the gloomy circumstances that one of our best and most gutsy runners had sprained his ankle two weeks prior to the meet, they ended up putting me into the 2 mile relay, which was the very last event on Thursday.

and you should know that i was freaking out. i am pretty sure that, for about 24 hours, all i thought about was the little over two minutes that it would take me to run the half mile i would be running at about five o'clock. so when we finally got set up to the track, i was the third leg, and i was freaking out. our second leg was over on the infield throwing up, and everybody was sorta watching him throw up and almost doing the same in response. when the first leg got down, this guy who goes to Church on the Move and i had known as a Christian, we were about in fourth or fifth place, and i was getting more and more nervous. and i had been thinking why i really wanted to run well in this race. and when i figured what it was, it was ultimately because i wanted to please God. i wanted to glorify His name, but mostly, i wanted Him to be able to say "this is my son, in whom I am well pleased."

so that was mostly my motive for how i would run that half mile. and the guy who ran the first leg came up to me right after his run and said something to the effect of this: "you're a man of God. He's really blessed you with His favor, so just go out there and use it all, leave it all out there." and, being nervous, i didn't think that much of it, but i just kind of let that reinforce the whole idea of pleasing God. they were coming down the back stretch and our guy had gotten us into third place - medal position, which i do have to admit to think a lot about. and when i got the handoff from him, i took off, and i was crazy nervous.

i was supposed to be pacing myself, but i had absolutely no idea how fast i was running and i am pretty sure i had absolutely no control over myself. but i do know that for at least the first fourth of the half mile, all i was thinking about in my head, over and over again, was "Please God, please God, please God, please God..." over and over again. and that continued for a while until a guy totally just sprinted past me...which was weird, because i was assuredly not running slowly at all. well, anyway, i pretty much died on the second lap, and i felt terrible, and once i finally handed it off to the final leg, i just kind of stumbled around and lowered my head down with my hands over my eyes because i thought i had failed God.

i didn't think i had run hard or fast enough, i didn't think i had run in such a way that was pleasing to God. i didn't think it was good enough. cause that guy had passed me, and it was over so quick, and i hardly had a kick, and i knew i was supposed to be getting faster, but i wasn't, and i had spent 24 hours thinking about how i would give it everything i had once i got done with the first lap and how the last straightaway would be like running through hell, but i didn't do any of that. so all i said was "I'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry..." over and over again, because i felt like i hadn't been pleasing to God.

and it's funny because when we got done, i found out that i hadn't run a slow time at all, and that everybody else thought it was a great time. but i looked back and realized that...i had been pleasing to God. i truly had been. to have lived my life in such a way that someone could call me a "man of God"...that must have been so pleasing to God, so much more pleasing than any half mile i could ever run. and... i'm glad things are that way. because if i had to run a faster half mile to be pleasing to God, if i had to run faster and faster times, if God's love and approval really depended on me being good or fast enough, then i would be so screwed. and i would never get to hear God say "you are my son, in whom I am well pleased."

since it was the last event, we all smashed into the bus and went back to the hotel to shower before dinner. and...it was great feeling so physically tired. it was great feeling like i had actually done all of this for something. i like our coach because he connects track to life. he says that track isn't about the winning or the medals or being faster or better than other people. he says it's about signing up to do something, something that is hard, and trying your hardest to do it well - essentially, having integrity. and this is life. because life is hard, but we have to rise to its challenges, we have to rise above all of the inconveniences and really try our hardest. we have to honor our commitments to do what we said we would do and when the whole season is over, we look back and we don't remember our times and necessarily all of the different things we did and what happened. we remember the people we spent it with and whether we were satisfied with our performance, whether we gave it all, what it felt like at the end of the day. and to feel so physically tired, i'm not sure i'm ever going to get to know what that feels like again. but it felt good... it felt very good.

and he talked about unity and how he wants us to be the best looking team at the track meet and how he wants us to be the ones held to the highest standards, with the most true commitment and discipline. he was so proud of us when all of us showed up on Senior Skip Day just so that we could go to track practice later that day. and when we got back after the first day at the track meet and he said that we were the best looking team there, i thought he was just saying that. but the next day, when i was watching the girl's race their mile and i saw how much heart was going into it and how well all of them were running... we really were the best looking team there. and when they finished and all of them were crying because it had hurt so much and they had still done it, we were the best looking team there.

the part that is "something worth saying"...i am not sure whether it will be or not. because whenever we drive around on a bus at night, it is a time for all of the boyfriends to sit with their girlfriends and fall asleep in each other's arms. and... i know i want that. i want to feel someone's touch, to hold someone's gaze or fascination, to have someone's unconditional interest. and i know this is wrong, because God is the only one i should be looking to for things like that, the last phrase at least: to have someone's unconditional interest. but truly? i don't like waiting. i want to be with someone. so that when i run my heart out and i am so tired at the end of the day, i can fall asleep in someone's arms. maybe that is wrong to want those arms to be a girl's... because everyone or everything seems to say that all you should even be thinking about is God being the answer to all of your problems. but maybe it's not exactly like that. you can find God in things...you can find Him in relationships. it's just whenever those relationships get to be for the sake of the relationship and not for the sake of God when they start to become questionable.

well, i don't know. and that's why i'm pouring myself out onto the Internet instead of just calling a girl up and talking to her. because i'm scared that i will be turning to her just so i can hold her attention and instead of because i want to talk to her.

runnning in Kansas (EDIT)

as i type this, my legs hurt, even though i didn't race today. but...i look back on the weekend and maybe even the track season, maybe even my whole running career as it comes to a close, and i guess it really is a humbling experience. it's like one of those things that you just have to stop and wonder at because somehow, you made it. you arrived, somehow, at some kind of place where you know you're on to something, that this something really is great.

i ran 4:59.2, finally breaking a five minute mile. but words wouldn't express the kind of grief i felt when i came through the first leg of the relay, passed the baton, and looked up to see 5:01. not only had i failed, but i had come all the way from tulsa, after 4 hours of driving, to run my last mile and not run it hard. the track was bouncy in a way that this seemed very true, because your legs didn't end up tired at all. and i only had around five guys behind me - i was in the very back. i felt horrible.

and i think that's a humbling process too. God still gave me a sub five minute mile, what i wanted. He didn't give me the 4:50 or whatever i thought i should have run, and maybe if i had, i would have felt like i had something to boast about (Ephesians 2:8), but now I don't really. but i still have something to be proud of - i have no reason to be mad or distressed in the same way that i have no reason to boast - i ran a good time, a personal record, and even got a school record that will stand for a while (as it may be long before we get four guys who can average five minute miles).

i don't know. i wish you could have been there. because we come back to Tulsa at midnight and four guys have their girlfriends waiting on them, and i get back to my house and my dad barely says hello to me, and i find out that i get into the Honors College at OU and i run a good mile time yesterday, but...i'd leave all of this to get out of loneliness. i'd leave all of this to be able to know that things are gonna be okay, to get a glimpse of beauty, to be able to spend a night talking with someone outside. for things to be what they were meant to be...i would give it up for that. hopefully, i will recognize it when things are that way..

Hebrews 11 defines faith as believing in things not seen, the hope for things to come. maybe that last paragraph was like the same thing.

EDIT

what i came to the conclusion was this: running is something i do, but it's not who i am. though i have made a sort of reputation for myself as a runner, my true identity is not as a runner. and when i am running simply for the sake of running... it is like lust, or drugs, or anything. i'm just looking for my next high, and i can only see as far as my next event or my next meet or my next practice.

i liked running because it helped me understand things about life. how we live, like how discipline is important and races are relative and what it really means to live or run with everything you have, and all these things. but my true identity isn't a runner. it's as God's... because i'm not looking for my next high and the things i do don't fade away into the distance. i can't even remember my last few races, and i can't tell you my times or if i ran varsity. and with God...i'm not looking for my next high. it's different than that. it's hard trying to say whatever it is i'm feeling. it's just like God is relevant and significant. always. it's not waiting for the next high because it's always a high, and it's not even about getting the high, it's just about knowing that you're right and knowing that the things you are doing are going to be significant in the way that you will never forget for the rest of your lives.

i've run a lot of races, conference championships when they've been the only thing i could think about for a week or two. but i can't say that they changed my life. i can't say that they made me better, and i can't say that i'll remember them for the rest of my life. i hardly remember them, aside from what some people said or when i kicked or what our team placed. that's it. but with God... Christianity does change my life. i really do think that i'm getting changed for the better, and that the things that happen will stay with me, they won't fade away like all of my old highs. i am satisfied.

there was a night in Mexico City, the one night i was baptized. and i remember it...i remember what the air felt like and looking up at the stars and the night and walking back after doing it. i remember the determination i felt to do it, and i remember thinking "i'm going to remember this night for the rest of my life." and what's crazy is, i do.

when i used to do spelling bees, there was this one time when i missed the word 'Heterogeneous' in the regionals and i could've gone to nationals if i had outlasted seven more people or something like that, and i went home thinking i would remember that moment for the rest of my life, thinking "what could have happened?" but it's stupid, it's pointless. because even if i had gone to nationals, it wouldn't have changed me, it wouldn't have fixed my problems, it wouldn't have led me anywhere. i wouldn't have satisfied. it wouldn't have given me a kind of confidence that everything's going to end up okay, it wouldn't have been able to help me out with any of my problems.

and i said all of that to say this: when i am running for the sake of running, i am forgetting who i am. i run for what it stands for, just like so much more. marriage is supposed to be a representation of our relationship with God, not to sound like i'm undermining it at all, and youth group is supposed to represent the body of Christ. and all of these different things, we're not supposed to be doing them simply for the sake of doing them. but because they have something to do with God.

real worship

something was different about this weekend and i was astounded to find that i wasn't the only person who felt that way as well. it was late yesterday night, a Saturday, about ten o'clock. i was heading back from the Crossing, a student-led event for the students in our high school that featured a brief talk about what it is to worship and then they played some songs. and you know what? i felt it.

i felt that worship should be real, like it is an opportunity to directly commit to God. and that, though this should have been so obvious, it was just a way to have God become real to you. the guys playing worship (really good, really really good) were playing songs and it just got me going, it was just like "this is what i need." i don't know. it's just that there was something there, in the praise and the worship.

i ended up billy's, late at night. 10 or so, and we went up to his room, not talking that much, and i asked if he was supposed to do anything that night. he said no. and so we played worship. or more accurately, we worshipped...and it felt more real than most of what had happened that week. it was like God had come down and sat down with us, that He was giving us grace to even screw up and then loving us even when we were pushing Him away, never losing hope, never losing focus when we lived in complete defiance of His word. and it was like, i really can't go back. i can't go back to everyday, worldly life. that would be my death, and i don't want to go back to that.

as time went on, i learned that i had said the very same thing so many times. what would be different about this time? i have no idea. i realize that God has to be in our worship. God has to be in our faith, God has to be everything about us, or else we will be falling away from Him. and it is God who gives our sacrifice worth, who justifies our identity. who has changed us into new people, new creations, even.

i realize that we have to be choosing, choosing in everything we do, in even the smallest of choices, to be moving closer to Him. every day, every opportunity, we need to be surrendering at even the smallest levels of life. and that in whatever i do, i want to be saying "here I am Lord, what would you have me do?" i want to be saying "you're my God," in everything i do, walking through the halls and talking to people and in all the small things like eating dinner and driving and sleeping and praying, i want nothing more than to see God, than for Him to have all of me.

there's this song, rather, this remarkable song that i have been singing for, give or take, 9 hours. it is called All We Want is You, and it pretty much talks about how all we want is God, and how we are living in this dry and weary land, but still, all we want is God. how we wasted so much of our lives looking for things that could satisfy, things that could bring us peace, but we never knew that it is God who is the only one who will satisfy, the only one who will save us from ourselves. the only one who can be our Savior, because of His character, because of the example He has set for us in His holiness and His love and His pursuit.

so i went home after that, realizing that God would have to fill my promises, my sacrifices, my faith with worth, or else they would be empty words and even empty praise. and i don't know, it's just something about the weekend. our youth group was leading worship the next morning at church, and i overslept, but that morning, i called my youth pastor mike asking him if we could play that song "all we want is You." he said it was creepy because that was already on the songlist for that day. what was even weirder is that, when i got to church late for practice, i learned that we only had three or four songs, but mike expected it to be a lot more than that, because there was something about worship that weekend...i don't know what it was. but i wasn't the only one feeling that there was something going on that somewhat demanded true worship.

the night before on saturday, i had felt something, like that we should just go to church and do real worship. we should play the songs and really just seek after God. and that is what we did...people came to worship the Lord. it was great, i could see it. i could see God moving around. it was beautiful. you could hear the voices, you could see hearts changing, you could see the Spirit penetrating, God getting what He wanted. it might just be me, but i really wait for the moment that people become vulnerable. not so that i can make them feel bad or make myself feel better, but because they have open hearts and their eyes can find a Savior.

we played. for most of the entire service, i don't even know how long. like an hour and a half maybe? i don't know. it was great...God was there. i do not doubt this. God was there this morning, sending waves of the Spirit, saving people from themselves, saving me from myself. i don't want to go back, i can't. God didn't die so i would frolic around with messed up values and a life that doesn't resonate with His glory. He died so i could come alive, that i could know His glory, because that's the only way He can get glory out of a human being. so that He could lift me up beyond my failures and flaws, not so that i could live in tolerance with my imperfection, and even relish in my pride.

i don't know. i realize that, i really hope, this is part of His plan, because all of this is happening a week before Acquire the Fire weekend, a huge event that God has met a lot of people. a lot of good speakers (Ron Luce) and some worship bands, and it has been my experience in the past that God becomes real, and commitments are made, and there really is a fire that you acquire (the Holy Spirit). so i would love to see our youth group lit on fire at this event, drunk in His glory and name, but it's not because of the event, i must remember. it's because God...