feeling anxious, like there is stuff to be done and yet i can't muster the energy or focus to start on anything. i feel like it should be the appropriate time to start reading a book or studying or doing homework, or even sleep since it's 1 am and there's a test waiting for me at 9. nevertheless, i guess i'm up here one more time to share my thoughts with the world.
things have been going pretty well lately. in fact, the past two days, i even woke up before my alarm went off - and i don't think i'm getting more than 6 hours of sleep a night. so i actually get out of bed and go to class on time, wrestling with my thoughts as i ride my bike across campus and trying to pray before i have time to regret something. the grace has been extraordinary, and, for some reason, things just seem to flow and to be at ease and peace.
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when we were in Missouri for the labor day retreat, i jotted down some thoughts that were similar to the following: if God exalts the lowly and weak to take down the strong, why do we want to be strong on our own strength? if God came to call the brokenhearted to relationship with Him, why do we feel like we must have everything together? if God is interested in who we truly are, why do we feel the need to be something more? if God's power will rest on you in your weakness, and if His grace is made perfect for you in your weakness, why do we do everything we can to try to convince ourselves and the world that we're not weak?
are we really falling apart at the seams? are we drowning in a world of distress and chaos? are we addicted to comfort and success, popularity and grades? are we addicted to caffeine or the hype it gives us? are our addictions and refuges really just facades to cover what's really going on in our hearts, our cries to be held and moved and to be part of something greater, to experience something that would make you and the world stop in wonder and awe, that would undeniably justify you forever?
i've been reading more and more a book called Changes That Heal, by a guy surnamed Cloud, and in it, he starts talking about boundaries and how knowing who you are - your desires and passions and thoughts and gifts and dislikes and priorities - knowing these things shape who you are and allow you to set boundaries.
so i guess here's my attempt at things that i like and long for:
i want to be respected, held and loved, understood, accepted. i like playing basketball, the piano, and the guitar. i am usually sorta busy, but i think i like it that way. i like being involved and knowing a lot of people. i want good friends who i can be tired around and just be myself, friends who are good conversationalists and won't make me overthink everything. i want to be pleasing to God and to do His work. i want to be a part of some kind of movement, to actually make a difference in the world around me. i like traveling and California and Texas and northern America. i want to bike America sometime, because i think that would be a true road trip.
i enjoy running. sometimes i feel like my thoughts are so vicious, and i think things might be better if i had someone to rebuke me and tell me that i don't know all the things i think i do. i jump to conclusions a lot, sometimes harmful, and give myself a hard time when i judge people, but i still can't seem to help myself. three or four years ago, the single characteristic i wanted to have was to be humble.
i totally buy into the Starbucks coffeeshop culture; i don't know what i want to do in life. i also thought i would end up as a programmer, software engineer type of guy. based on what really drives me, it almost seems like i should go into ministry. i wish i could get something published, but i seem to be too lazy. whenever i look back on things i've written, some of it seems so messy and incoherent. i actually enjoy physics and programming and math. sometimes i think i think too much. i'm pretty introverted, but i'm pretty lonely at times.
i like going to the union late at night, getting something to eat, and doing my homework or reading a book alone. i usually don't skip my classes, and i want to give my best to what i do. i am pretty self conscious, and i don't have that much self esteem, but i think i'm getting better. i don't know how gifted i really am. i enjoy running a lot, but the only reason i have to run is for God and for me. i'm not fast enough to run because i'm fast, and i think that's a good thing.
i'm pretty sensitive. i want to think i make sense and that i can relate to people. i've started tutoring for about a month now, and it shows me that i'm not as good of a communicator as i thought i was. i need to stop watching the Office because it is like relational pornography to me. i do things in secret no one would expect, and so i am all the more in the wrong if i try to reserve a right to judge others (knowing i am just like them, if not worse).
--added later--
i love going to airports, retreats, and conferences, because it seems to make me feel important, like i'm going somewhere or i'm part of something bigger than myself. i find that i express myself pretty well with music, and i find that i vent well with running. for most of my life, i have tried to avoid conflict at all costs. i have good friends and a good family, and i have a good God. i can't really complain about anything, because i feel like God has breathed life into me over the past two months. i have some great friends, and i've experienced Godly community in tremendous, life changing ways.
if God asked me to do something, i don't know if i would hesitate or not, but i pray that i wouldn't, that i would count everything else rubbish compared to knowing Him. 2 Corinthians 10 talks about capturing every thought for obedience to Christ, and i pray that would really happen. [i don't know if i'm going anywhere with this]. i guess i pray for the heart.
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hope you guys are doing well. i am blessed with getting to go back to Tulsa this weekend and getting to lead youth group. if you read this in time, please pray for that as well. please also pray for an epic movement across OU, this generation, and this nation. wherever i go, let me keep saying that no one can see me - they must see God. and may i say again, that i want to do something dangerous for His name. thanks guys, catch you later/around
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