i don't think i can sit here and type and pretend that things are going all right. i guess i'm in a world of confusion, about a lot of things. i don't feel like i'm confidently, wholeheartedly following Christ. i really do feel so alone sometimes. i almost pledged for an Asian fraternity...they had a rush event, and i went and there was a guy there named Tony and he seemed so cool and understanding... he simply occurred as someone to talk to. and i know that's the way things are supposed to be like with God (like it's refreshing to pour your life into Him), but we weren't created to solely be with God, but to be with one another as well, like different members in a body.
i felt like crying today. i managed to get thoroughly stressed over a programming project, fell to sexual immorality, listened to a sermon about God loving us even when we were sinners, then fell to sexual immorality again, and it's 4 in the morning right now. i feel alone.
and i'm supposed to be the person who is sold out to Christ. in fact, i need myself to be that person, as much as i need others around me to be sold out.
there's this girl i like so much, but she's going out with another guy, and...well, i saw her today and spent a little bit of time with her for the first time in a while. we didn't talk though...we just sat and did homework in silence (since i had that big programming project due). the whole time that we sat in silence, i couldn't shake the feeling that i was a failure, a loser. i couldn't shake the worry that she would be saying, "i'm glad i didn't pick him. look how this other guy is so much better than he is." that's about all i that about.
Joshua Harris (author of several Christian dating books) might say (and perhaps say too sternly in my mind, though Joshua Harris probably wouldn't do that) that i should just find contentment in God right now and then wait for someone special to walk into my life. like i should almost shut off my affections and desires for relationship. i wrote a letter to myself on July 19th or so and said one goal i had was that i wanted to just be friends with this girl - just friends - and not worry about serious relationships for a while. i wanted to stay single this year. but this takes up so much of my thought space, and i don't seem to let it go.
she made me promise last school year that, no matter what happened, we would stay friends. i promised. Jon Foreman, the lead singer of Switchfoot, came out with somewhat of a worship CD, in which one of the songs is called Your Love is Strong. after the girl started going out with another guy, all i could do was feel hurt, and after a couple of times being around her this school year, i just wanted to say "my love's not strong enough to stay friends." i was praying that she would have Godly people around her that would push her on towards faith, who could guard her heart... and i wondered if i might be one of those people. i don't know. all i wanted to do today was run away.
or maybe all i wanted to happen today was for someone to stop me, look me in the eyes, and tell me "i see you." and they would see signs of brokenness, signs of love and excitement and hope, and still, signs of fatigue and depression and confusion and pain. signs of a calloused heart, signs of fond memories of the past, signs of isolation. maybe they would see someone great, maybe they would see someone with a lot of potential but bad work ethic, maybe they would see and love regardless. maybe they would touch my heart and, instead of shattering to pieces, it would solidify and be soft again, be new again. fragility replaced with firm foundation, beauty for ashes. my heart feels like ashes.
they would see that i try to try hard, but it doesn't always get reflected with my grades. they would see that sometimes i slack in my faith, i take my eyes off God and turn my back on Him. they would see the things that no one sees, know the things no one knows about me, even the things i don't know about me. they would see into me in a way that i wouldn't be able to see myself, marked by voices of discouragement and self-criticism. and i'm not talking about God seeing into me necessarily - believe it or not, i'm talking about people. i want to be seen, i want to be close to someone, i want to be seen for who i really am. i want to be known for my vulnerability and brokenness - i don't want to be known for having things together. i'd rather be the problem child, the guy who has problems and overcomes and then has more problems and has to trust God more and more, has to give everything to God because there's absolutely no other way he can survive and absolutely everyone can see that he's not going to make it through the day if he decides he's going to live for himself.
it's 4:20 am and i know i'm going to be in trouble when i'm supposed to wake up in a little less than 5 hours.
jeremy camp has a song called Empty Me, and i feel a little like that right now. i just want to be emptied. take the pain, take the pride, and everything else i try so hard to conceal from You. take the beautiful, take the ugly, take everything i am. clean off my mind, my heart, my soul. shatter my pride, don't let me wander. deliver me from temptation. don't be silent, please don't be silent. i'm not asking for a good day. i'm asking for You.
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