i need You

I need You so much closer

For some reason, hopefully by conviction and Godly sorrow, the true work of grace in life, I feel so in need of Christ. Like life will truly fall apart without Him. He’s the only One I want to be holding onto, the only One that matters now, and when I say now, may I truly mean for all of eternity.

I need You so much closer, and nothing less than You. Nothing else will do.

I feel like I know what David was talking about when he was so emotional about his enemies being after him, that he truly needed God for protection. If he didn’t have God, it was so clear that he wasn’t going to make it through the day, and he counted it blessing every time he woke up, because that meant that God had preserved him in that time, had guarded his heart. I feel like there really is so much waiting to grasp at my life, to pull me down, and I want to make it clear – I need God. There’s nothing else I need, and I don’t even know how much I need Him.

A guy I met said that he didn’t think it should matter what people professed they believed – he thought what really mattered was what we do, and the way we live our lives. But if things are based on what we do, then why do we need God? If God only helps those who help themselves, if God only helps people who are pure and perfect or at least headed in the right direction with their desires and motives, then why do we need God?

All of life boils down to needing God. All of life boils down to knowing God.

And perhaps it is this urgency, this actual weight on my heart that I can feel that will change the way I live. It seems as though it has been so long since I have truly needed God with my everything, when I truly let Him have me in the sense that I needed Him with everything. Every single part of me, every aspect of my life, needs Him or else I will fall to pieces. I don’t want to allow myself to fall to pieces. I don’t want to allow myself to fall away from this.

It seems so long since I cried to God. It seems so long since I lived like I need Him. The classes and days go by and I still try to save face, I allow myself to be consumed by pursuits for grades and girls and acceptance, and what do I really need? What am I saying that I need? May I say now that I need You so much closer.

Words can’t come close to say what You’ve given me, how in need of You I am. All I can do is hope to say it enough that it might begin to communicate such desperation, such radical dependence. Nothing else satisfies, no One else can redeem me from this cycle of worthless pursuit, this law of sin and death. Will I look back on my life and see that, throughout the years, I have piled up rubbish? Or will I look back and see that I lived in dangerous desperation, and God touched me and responded because there was nothing else that I was after… only Him.