i have a problem [w/myself]

okay... four words that might shock you.

internet pornography and masturbation.

some people are bold in that they'll readily address the topic, but those are the people who probably don't struggle with it...they've overcome it. i struggle with it. in fact, i guess, if anything, let this destroy me. my hands are bloody, my body defiled. i am impure. but let me be real now.

it's a concept of beauty. i think beauty is well outlined in the Bible. 1 Peter 3 tells wives: "Do not let your adornment be merely outward - arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel - rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God," and so it continues. the beautiful wife also gets the very last chapter in Proverbs: "Strength and honor are her clothing; she shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness."

man. i screw up... i do. if it's anything that disqualifies me from any relationship, it's this weakness or failure. because honestly, i've struggled with this quite a bit, and i've experienced both failure and success, but i'm losing it now. i can't compromise with lust. but i have. and now i don't know what to do.

i have distanced myself from God, taking a couple steps back. slipped up. i'll be very real that i don't know what i'm doing. i'll be very real that my concept of beauty is distorted whenever i step online and refuse to uphold integrity. i'll be all the more real that i don't know if i feel this. i can write these words and there's no telling if i'll slip up again in the next days, the next hours even. it's that big of a problem, that big of a deal. the Bible talks about people falling apart and away from God because they fall in love with their sin, because they allow themselves to be given over to their own lewdness and unrighteousness. Ephesians says you can know that no fornicator or unrighteous person will make it to heaven.

God, who do You say i am? for You know my ways and You know my sin. nothing is hidden from You. i can't help but believe that You're a bit disappointed in me. but Your love and Your promises remain... and i guess i need them more than ever to be real. i don't want to say words that are crap and to deceive myself and those who watch me. if i'm a Christian, let me be solid in Your ways. Your grace has always been there. guide me in Your steps. make it black and white. redefine beauty for me, redefine what i do with my time and what i do with my computer. keep me from frustration, but put dissatisfaction in me. i gotta get closer to You. i gotta do what i say i believe. no more compromise. no more foolishness. no more of myself. let me decrease, and let me mean that.

i spend so much of my time hiding. i guess... if i know you, we never have to talk about this. but i'm putting it out there. and there is no condemnation, guilt, or shame... for the life that is founded in God, for the one who accepts God's upward calling. what i do...is deserving of condemnation, guilt, and shame. what i do...it's classless, lacking integrity, the very meaning of the word perverse or perverted. let it be removed from me. but how can i say that when i hardly know if i mean it? i don't want to love my sin...i don't love what it does to me, but anyone can say that. who could look into a porn star's eyes and hold strong to the love of Christ? that's who i need to be. who saves the porn stars? who saves the Hollywood actors, the people who practically ask to be used for human entertainment? who can stand up and look them in their eyes, push everything aside and hold on to integrity, and ask them about their problems, ask them where they are struggling. who can treat them like people?

man. my way is crooked. i have a very real problem, i'll admit and expose it. there's something wrong with the picture if i am so ready to run physically and yet i refuse to run the race spiritually. i am missing out on something if i am unwilling to run a race of purity and integrity - one race that matters - and am focused on the things of this world, things that have already begun to pass away. i don't think i'm being too hard on myself...it's not a light topic. it's adultery.

i need to get right. like actually get right. actually go back to the heart of worship, actually go back to the cross. it's not a salvation-damnation question. but i need to lay my desires down and my sins, for my sin is no small deal. i need to be cleansed, to be re-oriented to who i am to be. i need to find out what i'm doing, stick to that, and run foolishly to that. no more of this flesh stuff. i need to step up and do what i believe in.

it's a concept of beauty.

God, i need You to never let go. i need You to tackle me to the ground before You let me be an idiot against You. i need You to show me how to live against this world, to live valiantly against my own ways, my old man. i need You to make me new again. to put inside of me a repentant heart, a lowly heart, one that knows who i am and who You are. i need to be humbled. none of this hype. please give me eyes that see and ears that hear, in accordance to Your will. let me not be deceived, may i be purified instead. may my ways be like Yours, may my heart be like Yours. may i not be tripped up by these "weak and beggarly elements" but may i realize that there are things going on that are so much bigger than my own problems and inconveniences. there are bigger battles going on, and this is the race i need to be running more than anything else. there's nothing more important than this.

God, i pray. keep me from saying crap. i don't want to return to the idea of Christianity, to Christian morals. even if i am delivered from lust for the wrong reasons, i have fallen. let me return to You, the real You. let me not put You in a box or limit You or treat You like some kind of heartless god. let me not control my own life nor depend on my own ability. everything i need can be found in You. all good gifts are from above.

God, i need Your forgiveness and Your love. i need Your tender mercies that are new every morning, because my sin is before You and i know it is not pleasing in any way to You. it's an abomination to Your heart, it has nothing to do with You or Your ways. let me not separate myself to shame, let me not separate myself to short-lived commitment. let me be steadfast and faithful, let me be real. let me fall in love with You though i am feeble and weak, i am man, and no one that You should be mindful of me. my hands are stained with blood, my heart a shallow grave. but in You i find redemption. God, i need You. please call my name. i don't know the things i do. i have sinned against You, but please don't turn Your back on me. i know i can't promise anything, but please have Your way in me. make me desperate again. show me love and faithfulness again, show me how to have it towards You. i've fallen - i fall and fall again. it is not hidden from You. my ways are before You. chasten me and let me know it. let me know that i am not my own. let me know that i must live for Your glory. change my ways. for i am far from Christ like.

may i not be given over to the shamefully distorted desires of my flesh and of this world. i don't need sex. i don't need money. i don't need the GPA or the high paying job. social popularity or relationships. why should i want to be esteemed by this world and yet lose my soul? why should i seek after these pointless highs while i ignore the most satisfying and worthy of pursuits, the very thing i was created to experience and love. i have no other purpose than to be Yours, to worship Your name. why all the distraction, all the temptation? let me return to be Yours.

strength does not come from me, it comes from You. anything that happens, You have let it happen. God, i pray. shatter the world's influence on me. bring me back to You. hide me away in Your refuge and refuse to let go until my eyes are solidly fixed upon You. i can't take it again. i can't take another fall. i don't know what i would do if i fell again. You can do years of work in seconds, there is nothing You cannot do. have Your will in me, and i will know it. the world will know it, and all the nations will see. i'll proclaim it in the assembly, i'll speak the words with actual conviction, words heavy from truth. "God beat out porn and masturbation in me and i should be in hell right now, but for some reason, God wanted me even when i was spitting in His face. i'm the reason He died - i killed Him and He loved me in response."

one of the Psalms says that David refused to give any comfort to himself, any sleep to his eyes, until he had made sure there was a temple for God. Paul starts talking about how we are living temples, and that it is sexual immorality that is like joining the body of Christ, the temple of God, to a harlot. if i'm a living temple, let me give no sleep to my eyes until God can rest in me, until i am consecrated for God, until i have been humbled. things used to be that black and white. if things were right with God, things were good. if things weren't, things needed to change.

"Direct my steps by Your word,
and let no iniqutiy have dominion over me.
Redeem me from the oppression of man,
That I may keep Your precepts.
Make Your face shine upon Your servant,
And teach me Your statutes."
-Psalm 119:133-135

untitled

in a moment of vulnerability...i looked around and pondered the foolishness of my beliefs, questioning whether i knew what i was getting myself into. do i really believe God...do i really believe?

i started hanging out with some new people, guys from APO. one of the guys is Muslim, and i don't hesitate to say he is probably the most religious guy i know. and i'm not saying "spiritual tolerance" or anything, and i'm not saying that he's justified by being religious or by doing all of the things he does or even by doing them with passion. i'm saying...it's impressive for him to be so religious.

i need for this to be true. i need for God to be true. because if it's not, i have nothing.

i'm a jerk. i can play piano relatively well and am relatively smart and am relatively fast and i'm a relatively all-around okay guy, but everything's relative. and i'm still a jerk, and you don't even want to know the thoughts i think and the things i do when no one is watching. i'm a loser. you should have seen me playing basketball tuesday night, you would have known what i'm talking about. i'm weak. do you really want to say i'm not that bad?

you know what?

God does. He says it. in fact, He said it with His life. He said my sin doesn't define me. He said when everything else was about to tear me apart because i wasn't good enough, He would make me good enough. i wouldn't even be good enough, and i don't think He'll tell me that i'm good enough for Him. but He'll say it. He'll say "i deserve someone who's perfect, someone who won't turn their back on me, someone who is perfect at piano and basketball and school. but i want you instead. i seriously want you."

that's why i need this to be true. do you not see? there is nothing greater than this hope, this one hope that everything boils down to God saying i didn't have to be good enough, i only have to believe in Him. someone to say i don't care whether you're unqualified or disqualified by your actions or your lack of faithfulness or your lack of beauty. to say I want you simply because I want you. I created you, and I want you. I want you to know that you were created for My glory, because I want to enjoy you and I want for you to be able to feel My love towards you. there is nothing greater; all the years you spent trying to find happiness, all the times you invested everything into something that let you down, I was right there. and I still am right here. I'm waiting for you, I'm waiting for that split second decision to be made when you decide there's nothing else you want to do but to be Mine and to be defined by Me. I want to be your foundation, your everything. and you'll have everything you could have ever want, and I'll have everything I could ever want - you.

my heart

frustration slowly seeps into my day. i desire greatness, i can't help it. mike bickle would say that this desire isn't bad, it's just something kinda programmed into the human psyche. i don't know how i would respond. i want greatness so much, and i am almost certain that the right answer is that i'm simply looking in the wrong places for it. i know all the stupid right answers, since when has a relationship ever been about right answers? it's always about some chemistry, some connection that you can't explain to anyone and works for reasons beyond knowledge. it hardly has anything to do with knowledge, relationships are usually simply created or born.

keep this in mind, i say this with no discretion. i think i'm rather moody right now.

i feel like i've given up on God. daniel said it was like i screwed up, and God said something, but the devil or whatever distorted it so all i heard and felt was shame, sin, guilt, stupidity, foolishness, crap. well, yeah. i feel like an idiot. no amount of knowledge will provide breakthrough - no amount of knowledge on my part, i mean.

do you believe in miracles? because if God is hope, and God has given us Himself, then He has given us hope. He has given salvation, beauty, perfection, truth. if He's taken our place and given us His, a spot in the kingdom, that shouldn't be a small deal. that shouldn't be easily overlooked. but i still can't connect it.

i want a girlfriend. you probably know what i mean unless you're a girl. i want someone who gets me. someone seems to say "come on, choose God first." i know that's the right answer. i know it. i've even endorsed it. besides, no offense, but a girlfriend wouldn't solve my problems like God would. but regardless, i still want a girlfriend

i am pretty sure i am selfish right now. i am pretty sure i want everything to be about me. why don't i change? why not change? they say God is worthy. they say He's the only One. the only One worthy of anything, really. i guess, in the real sense of the word, it means that He's the only One with real worth. but i know that's sort of a contradiction, because He still died for us. we couldn't have been worthless if someone with worth sacrificed for us. we couldn't, could we?

i want good grades. not as much as i used to. i still like prospering in school. i like to show people that i'm good at things. i like running simply for the cool sensation of running and feeling fast and pushing myself, but i guess i like it because i can show off sometimes too. i like doing a Rubik's cube, but i must admit that sometimes i do it just to impress. i take a lot of pride in what i do, and i'm not necessarily thinking "i'm better than you," but sometimes i am and sometimes i dare to think i don't need God's blessing to do them.

i heard something that was worth doing was taking a step back and attempting to look at your life as honestly, directly, and impartially as you can. well... i see someone who is very talented, so very obviously blessed by God even if he can't compare to other people. i see someone with a mom who loves and a sister who loves and a youth group around him and an old youth pastor who would do lots of things still now and a best friend who can relate to me and keep me from feeling lonely. i have an old girlfriend who - well, i had a girlfriend in the first place, which is a lot of excitement, and i guess i learned a lot after we broke up. i have friends who are nice, funny and talented, and very respectful.

i value a lot trying my hardest, though probably not as much as i used to. i used to think about trying my hardest at the smallest of things, the things that nobody would ever know of, because i had a theory and perhaps still do that that was when God was watching - when nobody else was. i try hard at school, at running, at relationships, with varied success. i get mad at myself when i don't max out, and i know that i have felt like somewhat of a cheapskate if i'm not completely exhausted at the end of the school week. i like having the pressure on me because i think i can handle it, but some of the times, i can't, like in an old relationship.

i don't usually hold grudges, but i think i've held one against mike for a little bit.

i like playing the piano, that has become a nice escape for me. i think Lisa would be proud, but i still can't play anywhere near her or fathomhow she plays. and i could use some new guitar strings.

i like knowing mike and daniel, but i think the roles they play in my life have, at times, been too large. they're influence has been too much, so that i end up listening to them instead of God. and though they're intentions may be totally sound, it is still to my dismay, because my heart would be, at times, unconsciously or subconsciously following.

1 John says that if we confess our sins, then He is faithful and just to forgive us and sins. what does that say about God? that He is still faithful to His betrayers? that He would die for mortal man, knowing full well what He was doing when He died on the cross

i don't know what i would do for the cross. i think i would still die for it, right now, but i don't know. i don't know what i would die for, but i'll die regardless, and hope that i did something with my life. and i think a lot of people, including me, would say that i did. but my life's not over. there are still big things at stake. if God gave everything away just for me, as weird as it sounds, than the stakes are huge. and looking back on my testimony, i think one could easily point out that God must be after me. He really must be pursuing me. He's been faithful and just so far. somewhere else it says that God will be faithful and just to complete the work He started in each one of us.

i got addicted to The Office one night, the week before school started, and watched a season and a half in one night. i watched it primarily because of the relationship between Jim and Pam. i wanted something beautiful to be in my life, something like a perfect fit, something anyone could look at and want as well. i'm not sure if that's selfish, it might just be a desire for greatness. to have a life that reads like a movie.

i really need to figure out what i'm going to do with my life. i'm not talking about career, not at all. i need to take a stand and grab ahold of my life and determine which way i'm gonna go. i think God really lets us choose for or against Him. if i'm not going to live for God, i better not deceive myself and say that i still will. if i'm going to live for God, i want to go all out again. i want to have the exhilaration, the satisfaction, the surreality of a race, of giving my all, of spending myself and maxing out. and yet i say that over and over again, and i'm not sure what happens in the end. i've probably made that kind of statement of faith and commitment at least 50 times, and i probably only meant it 10 or 15 times. but i bet, those 10 or 15 times, though i eventually ended up stumbling again, that God really worked in me. or else i wouldn't be here now. maybe God really is faithful and just. maybe i have nothing to worry about. maybe it really is something as simple as fascination. maybe it's not "going to work" everyday because it's what i want to be doing with my life.

so many times we run into things that we do but don't enjoy. some go for the big paying jobs, not because they enjoy them, but like the wages, the position of power or social status. there's a difference between discipline and straight up misuse or bribery.

matthew west came out with a new CD two days ago. you can find it at his myspace, he has a great song called You Are Everything, which you could also find on youtube. it turns out that God took away his voice for two months last year, and he couldn't speak or sing. when God gave his voice back, matthew west came out with this CD with the theme "i've got something to say."

i keep writing up here or reading about how it's not supposed to be about works or knowledge. that relationship with God really has actually nothing to do with tithing. i guess praying is something a little different, but only real praying. i think praying requires a very conscious and deliberate effort to speak to God, though it will probably only feel like this at first, and then it will probably become a lot more comfortable and natural. i'm not sure what to say about the Bible. John starts off saying that God was the Word. but, then again, reading the Bible really isn't a requisite to being saved - it's conditions of the heart. but perhaps the Bible is very necessary for healthy relationship with God - and flourishing relationship with God. well, i mean, one would think - if one is in love with God, there is no reason why one shouldn't also be in love with God's love letter, which is what some call the Bible (and it really is. it's a message or a testimony of God's love, His story)

i don't know what i'm going to do. i wasn't trying to look at girls at all because i didn't want to personally endorse the idea of getting a girlfriend, and i don't think God will really allow me that kind of pleasure right now. but maybe it should be redeemed. maybe it should be redeemed just as i was redeemed from other things. maybe my eyes only need to be matured like i needed to be matured. if the church is like the body of Christ, made up of several distinct, individual members, and some of those members are alive and working, and some of those members are hurting or have issues going on, then maybe it's like that with my body as well. the first thing that changed when God saved me was my heart and then my mind - something like that - and now maybe God will redeem and mature my eyes.

maybe i should give God all of me. i think that's the only way to do it, and i hear that's what God demands from each of us. He wants to be in the driver's seat, to have complete control over our lives. after God delivered the Israelites from Egypt, they wandered in the wilderness, and the Israelites, God's chosen people, continued to nag Moses when things got tough, asking him why he had brought them from Egypt's hand only to die a more terrible death in the wilderness. they asked for food and water and God sent manna and water out of a rock. and God led them around as a cloud in the day and fire in the night. that really must be something. fire in the night.

confessions

i post up all sorts of writings here and, maybe if you know me, you'd say i'm a nice guy. i certainly take pride in thinking that i am more moral than the next guy, i guess.

i was thinking today about all the prostitutes and Playboy cover girls. i was thinking how you have your firemen who make a living out of serving people. they fight fires and they help people in their time of need. i was thinking how you have everyday people like workers at convenience stores, who are a service because without them, we wouldn't be able to get things like food or household items. and i was thinking, no offense, that it's a little awkward that prostitutes or Playboy cover girls have to make their living out of selling their bodies, almost making themselves into objects of others' enjoyment. i guess it's a service, but why is the market so high in the first place? is there really enough demand that the supply is just increasing steadfastly, over the last decade, on television shows, the Internet, seemingly everything that has anything to do with culture?

we want satisfaction. we just do. sexual satisfaction. i hate that i'm typing this up here when i know that some people will see this and see me for who i am. and if not my identity, then something i struggle with. is that really so bad? i guess i'll leave it all on the floor. i want to be beautiful, yes. i want to be just like what anybody else wants. loved, special, unique. and all of these promises that come from stray places keep tearing me down, and i am senseless in my commitment to them. the commitments i had thought were broken.

anyways, i'm not this person who...thinks the sex and prostitution and pornography market is lame. in fact, i even indulge in it. i would acknowledge this as a problem and i would acknowledge that i don't like this part of myself and i would say that...dropping to standards like that is pretty classless. and i know that...saying this, i risk a lot. i know i can lose anybody's respect at this very moment. i know i am probably automatically the guy you wouldn't want to date, or see a respectable girl date, or see your daughter date, and i know full well that there's not much i can say to that. guilty as charged, i'm not worth it.

and here's the catch - there is none. i don't feel worth it either. i don't know.

i don't really feel like a Christian right now. i feel distanced from God. going through motions. foolishly wasting away. i don't seem to have the initiative to seek out God. i don't feel like i should just start talking to Him like nothing happened tonight, because there is a lot of sin that i filled my night with just now. i mean, things like this should be addressed. at the same time, the relationship shouldn't be cut off completely.

i feel like i am way too dependent on feelings. i know it's not bad to feel good...but it's bad to only pursue to feel good, because half the time, what feels good is possibly what is weighing you down. who am i to say what is good for me? i don't even know me very well.

i have fallen. i ran away today from sinning, but i think i might have run away to running instead of running to God. anyways, i ended up really sinning and screwing up pretty badly tonight. maybe God will read my blog.

dear God,

do you really believe in me?

because i'm not so sure who i am anymore.

david.

lacking (new)

i found this back from january 2007 and thought it was pretty good, so i proofread it and changed a couple things. nothing radical, but i think it's better than a year ago.

i think it's a beautiful thing to be vulnerable. it's beautiful when everything goes down in flames and there is no tomorrow and you're just trying to get past that moment of grief. When nothing else matters, and you do things you have never done before because you aren’t going to sit around and just let things happen. You take off running and you run your heart out because of desperation.

i watched a little bit of Beauty and the Geek, a reality TV show where hot, ditzy girls were matched with socially challenged geeks and sent through challenges to win money. One of the girls who had gotten into the finals or maybe not even that far was talking to the camera in a small room, kind of like a confessional booth. she was crying, saying how she felt shallow, how she saw that it didn't make any sense at all to put so much value on how she looked. She talked about how there was more to life than just make up and looks. and i think she saw that it didn't make her any better than anyone else and she had no right to treat these geeks like they were subhuman, just because people liked her and nobody liked them.

then i watched a little bit of the Real World-Road Rules challenge on MTV, which is pretty much the same concept as Beauty and the Geek, except everyone is hot and they are all battling for even more money. there was an elimination match between two guys, two of the top guys or something, and after an excruciatingly long time, one of them finally won. And at the end, he went back to his hotel room and called his fiancee and broke down crying. he couldn't really move because he was so tired. he was exhausted – he had totally spent himself trying to win the challenge, and now that he had finally won it, he wasn't sure if it was worth it. He had gone through this epic battle to try to preserve his chance to win the money, and… now he wasn’t sure if it was worth it. he wasn’t sure if he deserved it and he was more unsure that he enjoyed it. he said if he had to go through it all again, he didn't know what he would do, but he wouldn't want to go through it all because it was so physically grueling. he said he didn't know why he was doing it anymore - the whole game - and whether or not it was worth it. vulnerable.

and i did something. i ran away from home one weekend and ran away from God because i was mad i was losing to lust and i ran away on the main streets, keeping a fast pace because i wanted it to hurt. and it was cold - like 35 degrees or so, and it was late at night and i only had a t-shirt and some basketball shorts on. about five miles later, i ended up at someone's house. i didn't really want anything more than just to be there...but i don't think i was welcome. i didn't feel like it, anyway. i ran away from there and maybe about half a mile or more later, my legs started cramping up, at first just a little. if i kept running, the pain would go away for a little. i felt like crap...because i didn't have anywhere to be. I was at least five miles away from home, it was incredibly impractical to think I could make it back. when i passed 71st and yale, headed south, my left leg shut down. it cramped and i couldn't really go on. i fell to the sidewalk, but it happened in such a position that my right leg started cramping too, and my hip, or something else. and so i ended up lying on the sidewalk, crying, because my left leg was dead and my right leg was dead and any movement would shoot pain through my body, and i didn't want to go home, and i didn't want to go to God's home, and the only home i wanted to go to wouldn't welcome me.

i screamed at God that He was right. that i was wrong. that i just needed to be saved. i felt worse because i wanted someone to stop and help me out, but no one did. it was dark and cold, and i was yelling in pain. vulnerable.

i guess i haven't had one of these lately - a testimony. i think if we forget our testimonies, then we forget how much Christ has done for us and what it meant for Him to be our Savior. on the other side, if we only live in our testimonies, then we're no longer really moving forward. anyways, here is what i can manage [with later editing, since i wrote this at like 2 in the morning last night]:

i have been blessed beyond reason. beyond imagination.

in one night, this night, i saw before me flash what was really going on. i saw that i wasn't a very good guitar player or singer compared to some people out there. and i saw that i had sinned, that i wasn't really feeling God. i had fallen away. and yet God used me anyways. He forgave me of my sins, even if i hadn't yet asked for forgiveness - He overlooked my sins and then He overlooked my flaws and He still used me.

but it was how He used me. He used me to get glory for Himself. you see, i was the one playing the guitar and leading the songs and everything, but people didn't see me, and that's the way it should be. all they saw was God. i was worshipping, but it didn't have to be me. it could have been anyone with a guitar and a desire for God, and i think God would have happened just like He did. but it was all the more amazing because it was me. i had a front row seat to watching God move. God working right through me.

and the power of prayer became apparent. because we would pray for people and after a while, God would show up and answer our prayers. and there were multiple times when i just wanted to stop praying and multiple times when i thought it just wasn't going to work and that God wouldn't answer our prayers like that, but the others persevered in their prayer and waited on the Lord and He came. answered our prayers. there was liberation in the air.

it reoccurs that God is my life. i mean, i sing how God is the only one who's worthy of everything we can give and how He's the only one i want to give my life to, but i hadn't realized this for a while. God is my life. no back up plans. nothing. God is my life, and i have nothing else that i would want to live for than for God. more than that, when my life isn't about God, things kinda get screwed up. if i fall away from God, i'm falling away from my life. i'm dying when i purposely choose against God. in fact, when i'm not even listening to God tell me who i am, when i don't let God give me value, i get so screwed up. i get down on myself thinking that i'm not good enough and then i think that not only am i good enough, but i'm better than everyone else, which gets me more down on myself because that's pride. and what God does is give us a new peace of mind. He takes our eyes off of ourselves and puts them on Him. not only that, but He pulls us out of our struggles. He redefines us, makes us new.

today was the first day that i've been in a room with about four or five other people and really been aware of their beauty. and at times, i wouldn't even want to look at them or touch them because i didn't want to dishonor them, and seeing how much God loved them made me feel like i should love them like that too. i think what i have been missing out on is a love for other people, a genuine desire to see people grow and progress and get better - a real care for people - as well as joy in my life. billy was talking to me how he feels like he and the rest of the youth group are kind of missing out on the spirit of joy, and i would agree with him as i can see it lacking in myself too. i just don't get excited like i used to.

one weekend, we went to the gym in Broken Arrow and jerry's stuff got stolen, and we spent pretty much all of saturday night working to change out the locks on his house so that jerry could go to church the next morning. we hardly got any sleep at all. one time in Michigan, it was 1 or 2 at night, and i was upset, so billy and i ran about a mile out to the beach and just sat there, watching the tide come in and out and the silhouette of buildings against the dark night sky, and when we came back, we were laughing at how much God would do. and at the Labor Day Retreat, i remember billy stepping up to the mic and just pouring out his thoughts in front of about 100 people and i got to do the same. i remember my very last Sunday before we went to college, leading worship.

and i remember one of the beginning Friday nights, mike had this crazy idea or something that he could put oil on us and we would all pray for one another and...it turned out that aileen was speaking in tongues from the very beginning and i was crying like i never had before and even crying with my sister, letting myself be vulnerable for one of the first times, saying that i was sorry for all the crap i put her through. i remember a lock-in when nothing seemed to be going right, but later that night when mike and lisa played worship, i ended up running around celebrating because i realized how great and wonderful it would be when, after trying so hard to get to God, we would actually get to Him and He would bless us so much with His gifts, it would be like we were flying.

i remember the long hike up the Pecos Wilderness and i remember watching the sunset that very last night in Michigan. i remember running away from home and God one cold night my senior year, both my legs locking up at 81st and Yale and crying to God on the side of the road. i remember the one weekend when there was grace to play worship. i remember what it looked like to see Jojo and Jerry and Richard and Jeff worship for the first time. i remember the impossibility of it all that night in Michigan when we were standing in a circle and things just started happening. i remember late nights with my small group, not knowing what i was going to talk about and still being blown away by things my group members would say. i remember talking to Jojo about Muslims and i remember billy stepping up as a leader in michigan and i remember Sleeping Bag Sumo and wrestling with demons at the campsite and trying to change seats every five minutes in our cramped van.

i remember times when all i wanted to do was quit. i remember times when i fell so hard, when i chose to compromise, when i let sin get the best of me. i remember some of my failures. failures with relationships and failures to be real. i remember what it feels like to be tired and to be stagnant with God. i remember what it feels like to have God show you something you haven't seen before, to run like you've never run before. i remember running my last real race ever and having John Spencer tell me that i was a man of God. i remember running my last cross country race and coming back for Friday night, feeling the indescribable pain in my legs, and thanking God because He had given me what i had asked for.

today was the first day i was in a room with four or five different people and i saw how much they wanted God in their hearts. how sold out they were, how desperate they were to catch a glimpse of God. they wanted Him more than they wanted themselves. truly, as simple as it sounds. and i saw God satisfy.

it seems as if God is calling me to love people. to see the people that no one sees, to let myself be associated with people who haven't really had people in their lives tell them that they're okay. that they're worth time. they're worth energy. that someone would give everything away for them. and by spending time with these people, i will get to love on them. i will get to witness... that they're really no different from me. i'm just like them.

God is good. He has...fixed my problems. my dilemmas, and He has seriously turned them into something amazing. something beyond beautiful, beyond explanation and scientific reason. He has given me something to live for, something worth remembering, something worth holding close to my heart. if i didn't have God, sure. i guess i could do absolutely whatever i wanted. but that wouldn't be liberating at all. i would be living lies. and all i would have would be myself and my reputation and things like money and all those things would pass away.

but i think with God...things aren't like that at all. i think with God, it doesn't matter if i'm going through heaven or hell. it doesn't matter if everything is fine or if i hate myself and need someone to comfort me or i shot and murdered a guy and am wondering if i should do the same to myself. His love never changes. He never changes. there's a lot of things i can't understand, and a lot of things i have trouble believing. but i'm starting to let go. because i think with God... you get what you need. regardless of whatever impossibilities we attach to it, i think it's actually satisfying. it actually doesn't get old or stupid and it's not a blind faith, and you can question God and things are perhaps better that way. and i'm trying to base my life on this principle. God is life.

something to invest myself in (A RANT)

it's been a while since i posted up here, and...well, here's something.

i've hurt a lot of people over the past few months, past few days. i've said a lot of crap and i've done a lot of crap, and i've managed to look pretty cool throughout it all. and now i'll say something that'll shock everyone. i'm sick of it all.

i'm sick of coming on here and being afraid of saying things because someone might get their feelings hurt. i'm sick of all of the finger pointing and jeering going on while lives hang in the balance and no one is willing to sit down and talk and realize exactly what it is they're doing. i'm sick of not being able to trust anyone, feeling like i'm being manipulated. and i'm sick of people who think they're Christians and aren't, who say they have this faith all the while it's like James 2 when it says that faith without works is stupid because it doesn't even help you out. it's just a freaking label. i'm sick of people who are so bent on pride that they won't approach God and even if they have problems, they think that they can handle everything on their own and they never know the significance of the things going on around them and how blessed they really are and yet the slightest inconvenience, a single bad day, will tick them off and send them running in the opposite direction as far away from God as possible because that bit of adversity somehow proves that God is a jerk.

and i'm sick because that person is me just about as much as anyone could ever be.

because my pride is consuming and i don't think things through and maybe even no matter how hard i try, i don't approach God with a way that my heart can be filled with His Spirit. i approach Him in a way that wants something, that is confused, that doesn't acknowledge that God is everything. this isn't a sob story.

at the same time, it's not a true story either. because truth be told...i know i'm a son of God. i know that He's called me as a son and i've answered that call (check that out...did someone say MACCSR theme?). it's just...i fall every now and then. and my pride gets in the way and i don't seize the day and maybe i do something stupid on a regular basis and maybe sometimes i don't even try, but sometimes i do. sometimes i try my heart out. and sometimes i don't. and that's when it's easy to get frustrated. that's when it's easy to throw the towel in, to say i never tried, to say i'm hopelessly lost, unredeemably damned.

i hate to put this up here after the impression i think i made at MACCSR Windermere, which was an incredible time. but this is part of who i am. i struggle... and my doubts and my fears annoy the stuffing out of me and the pride that i can't get rid of, but also seem to refuse to give to God, which is the only way it will truly be removed from the picture. i just can't wrap my mind around it, i guess. that the best thing i could ever do - the most i could ever do - is lay my life down, and that this will save me. i've heard it over and over again, and i might even acknowledge to believe that it's the way to go, but i just can't seem to do it.

anyways, playing bass at MACCSR was amazing. about an hour each day, my fingers were hurting, but i must admit that i was playing with skill that i've never had before. i had wanted to practice so that i could be really good, but it ended up that i didn't practice at all and ended up having a great time and playing better than i could have imagined. and i got to worship. and i got to fellowship. it was truly something great. met some amazing people there, had a great time.

came back, and there's this church called Journey that's this big mega church here in Norman, so i went there yesterday night with Daniel and Amyie and Aileen and it was pretty nice. worship was pretty good and the pastor spoke about Saul/Paul and how he took about 15 years of preparation for his ministry before he even started and how he didn't want us to accept his ideas and what he was saying, but to think them through and take what we would out of them, take what would make sense. and some or much of what he said made sense. that God does things in His own timing, and so if i'm not doing some extraordinary work at this very moment, it could be that God is simply preparing me for certain things. it could be that God is sending me through these difficult trials as preparation to witness to others who will go through the same thing. it is possible...that God is trying to get us to understand that we get our identity from him by trying to get as close and intimate to Him as we can instead of getting our identities simply from doing things.

because...it's not about the doing. you can beat the game of doing, and it's easy to start to think of things in terms of better when we're talking about doing. but being? it means we're simply loved on. we did nothing to receive what it is God is giving to us. the way He sees us, the love and anticipation and happiness and unflinching attention that He gives us is completely unprecedented, and we did nothing to deserve it. we were sinners. we were offenses to His kingdom. and God's response was to call us back into His kingdom, to be in His kingdom, simply by answering His call, and by nothing else.

if someone were to ask me how i got to be who i am now and have progressed to whatever level of faith i am at now, i wouldn't be able to say anything. i would say, "well...it's all God, you know," but that's not really an answer. i asked mike one time why i was saved and others weren't and he said, for some reason...it was like God's grace was there sometime and i jumped at it. i used to be able to look at runners and not care how fast or slow they were running. i wouldn't care about their times, i would just want to see their hearts and their hurts, because i realized then that success is relative, and if you could run your heart out one race with a terrible time, it was still a good race and a good day. i realized that success was relative. now i'm starting to think that God is relative.

God is personal, He means something different to every person, and when i think about God and what i like about God, there are good chances that i am thinking of someone very different from who you see, though it is still the same God who did the same things, and yet, does very unique things for each of us.

i guess what i'm trying to say is...God does different things. He works different ways through different people, He speaks differently, He moves differently. i think He means the same thing to everyone - He means a Savior, salvation, the answer to all of our problems, a reason for life - but i think He does things differently for people. that's how we can all be different and distinct members, yet united in the single body of Christ.

this is significant because, if God has each people doing very different things and if God has people doing things in their own unique ways where they genuinely can experience God, no matter what that looks like, the process of doing is undermined once again. it simplifies to...it doesn't matter what i do. it doesn't really matter what anyone does or what it looks like. but if they are really truly finding God there. take away all the assumptions of what serving God and following God should look like. if God is relative, that means that the things each of us does is going to be different, and that it's not going to matter. all that will matter is whether or not we will have seen God, whether or not He will have stolen our hearts and whether or not we will have run our hearts out trying to get to Him.

i realized last night that a life completely devoted to worshipping God would be a good life. regardless of what that might look like, you would at least know for yourself that you were onto something great. you would know God. and though your circumstances might really suck, you would still know God. God is life, you know?

confessions, pt 2 + 2 Hours (EDIT!!)

If you confess your sins, He is faithful and just to forgive you your sins and cleanse you from all unrighteousness. -1 John

i had a long night. i talked to billy and sorta got psyched up and then i went outside and talked to God, sorta. for a while, it was just me singing songs, which is easier than actually having your heart changed. and by the end, i think i had at least taken a step in the direction of God. the air was cold and the grass was bouncy, and the stars were so much bigger than my imagination. and yet God was still watching me. and i didn't deserve it, i felt like a "retarded rock." and i still didn't deserve it, but i asked God to put a desire for Him in my heart... and i continue to pray this will be what happens.

this is from an e-mail i got yesterday after i sent this post to someone:

"God alone saves your life. i can't save it, you can't save it. and God's in the business of saving lives. i mean, think about the crazy amount of "coincidence" it takes for someone to finally accept Jesus into their hearts? and how much did it take for you?" and the answer to that is...i wouldn't have been able to help it. finding God wasn't my work...it was my pleasure, it was my salvation or liberation or answer. but it wasn't my work. that's the last thing it was.

"go, and know that you are saved. saved...by grace and by the love of God the Father. you can't save your own life - that much is certain. you cannot save it. i mean sure, there is some active part of faith that's involving...but when it comes
down to it, you can't save yourself. God alone can save you, and know that He will...for His glory. and for His love to you."

and these 2 hours... well, we underestimate grace. i'm just gonna try to keep my eyes on God. and confess...

there's this feeling you get at the end of a track workout, when you have pretty much laid it all down and you stop caring about your workout and all you want is for everything to be okay. you see, it stops being about us. it stops being about being better. because even if you were better, you're nothing without people to share it with. and...at the end of the day, when you look back at how you spent and presented yourself, you don't care how much you got done or how good you are. you just want to feel someone's embrace that says "i care. i saw you. i cried when you cried and i rejoiced when you rejoiced. you don't have to worry about being good enough for me. everything's going to be okay."

you had to have been there. at the conference championships, after i ran my half mile. that's the only thing i would have cared about. someone who would let me fall asleep on them and rejoice with me.

--ORIGINAL--

i thought i was going somewhere, but it doesn't feel like it anymore, at least today. it feels like i'm not running anywhere or for anything. i'm not running for school, because school is kind of a joke. and i'm not running for running, because...well, i'm not even running anymore and i don't have that much reason to be. and i think, in all the truthfulness that i have discovered today, i was running to be remembered in the youth group. that's why i get selfish, right? and it's great, because i don't even have that anymore. i'm not the popular guy. and now i'm selfish, so it makes sense, doesn't it? i placed my value in social economics. and when i'm not one of the guys talking to the girls, cause us guys now talk to girls, i get selfish because i would have to compete for attention and i don't want to compete. because today, it feels like none of it's enough. God isn't enough. that's what it feels like. and even though i have billy and ruth who says i look cute and my mom and mike and lisa and chris chou and all of these other people who would die for me and would say they really respect and admire me, and even if i have God on my side, the Creator of the Universe, looking down on me saying "you've stolen My heart," it doesn't feel like anything.

it feels like it's perishable. and that's completely wrong, but i feel it. when we went down to Mexico City, we worked with this pastor we called Dr. Cary who pastors all of these churches and fathers all of these orphanages, and he said he wasn't always like who he is now. he said he used to be a drug dealer, one of the biggest and most feared names in Mexico. he had a huge house on the side of the street, which is a big deal, because those cost a lot. and he used to run - he actually ran in the 1984 Olympics in Mexico City for the Mexico team. and he said when he gave his life to God (i'm not sure what prompted him to do that), he said he knew it was either all of this fame or anonymity. and he picked the anonymity, because it meant that he might know God.

i was reading Ecclesiastes, because Mike mentioned that if we wanted to know what "all of your heart and all of your soul and all of your mind and all of your strength" really meant, we should read Ecclesiastes. so i started reading yesterday, and it's talking about King David's son, who is pretty much the smartest and richest guy ever, in the history of everything, a little like Dr. Cary. and all of these works - he keeps comparing them to grasping at the wind. it reads pretty well, like a poetic monologue. he talks about all of the different things he used to quench his satisfaction and how he went through all of them trying to find something to spend his life on, and at the end, he calls them all vanities. futilities, absurdities, frustrations, nonsense. he says it's grasping for the wind.

well, i haven't gotten to the end, but i'm thinking he finds God and then he knows he has to give his life to God because his life is nothing without God as a Savior. because he says, he has all of this wisdom, all of this power, all of these possessions. but it doesn't make a difference.

So I said in my heart, "As it happens to the fool, it also happens to me, and why was I then more wise?" Then I said in my heart, "This also is vanity." For there is no more remembrance of the wise than of the fool forever, since all that now is will be forotten in the days to come. And how does a wise man die? As the fool! -Ecclesiastes 2:15-16

so, the question is...what will i do? and the answer...i don't know. i've got big things coming up, not to mention i can't say that i'm right with God anymore, and pretty much everything i'm about to face will fall apart if i'm not right with God. and what's tough, is that i have to genuinely want to be right with God for the sake that i owe it to God or for the sake that He deserves my life, not because i care about all of these things i'm about to face. i have like 2 or 3 hours coming up one of these nights...2 or 3 hours to maybe save my own life.

a year in review and confessions, pt 1

the room spins, and the grinds of a blender and a female vocalist to a slow tempo-ed song make the background. School is over, it is my internship now. And waking up at 8 is a challenge. I have gotten in this not so comfortable groove of going to sleep at 1 or 2. and i played worship last night for a while and I am starting to see that I have fallen this past year.

These past two school semesters, I am not sure I was even thinking about quiet times. I'm not sure I realized I was missing them. After the first semester, I realized I had forgotten what humility meant. Acquire the Fire was...okay. Chicago during Spring Break was pretty amazing, and I haven't forgotten what happened, but I forget that I am supposed to keep it happening. I missed a lock-in for Chicago, and I hear that the lock-in was just mediocre as well. There was a weekend where there was just this enormous propensity towards worship, so I pretty much worshipped the whole weekend and God was there.

We watched a movie called the Revival Hymn on a Sunday morning and I thought that might be the time I would never turn back. It seemed so obvious - God wants us, for us to be with Him. Who am I to stand in the way of this Creator and lover who would give everything away for someone like me who might not appreciate. God usually seems like a Lamb to me, but that day, He was a Lion who ferociously wanted His children to come back to Him.

And there was another Sunday when Daniel was back and Mike talked about making sure we didn't get caught up in the repetition of a system and things of that sort that we think we have to do when we really don't. And that wasa day we played worship all the way until lunch and skipped Sunday school, and i was crying a lot and Daniel kept on telling me to let God love me, and I think I finally let Him for a change. I realized, God wanted me to come to Him just as I was. I didn't have to be anybody else. I didn't have to be good enough and I didn't have to be ashamed of who I was - a murderer, a liar, a luster, all of these things. And so that was a great day.

And I spoke in chapel one time and led a couple of DFC's that got me excited. We did 30 Hour Famine and one of the girls threw up, so we gave her a banana, and Robert Aery had some fellowship/teaching meetings that he called the "Crossing" and those were pretty amazing, and Stephen Pittman started playing worship in the chapel and even in front of the whole school on the last chapel of the year.

And i went running. And maybe you had to be there to understand, but when I ran a personal record at SPC in cross country and came back for Friday Night at Billy's and could hardly move my legs, I had run for God's glory and He was lifted high. And in track, much the same case. I ran for God. And being a runner is somehow some integral part of my identity, though it isn't my prime identity. But it is, for some reason, how I find and enjoy God.

And yet now I remember, I didn't run my best race. I fell asleep, I stopped running so hard. "Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength...They will run and not be weary." and at times, I was no longer running. I may have even been going in the other direction. I underestimate grace sometimes - that's what this is all about. To run and not be weary is grace. And yet, I run like I must preserve myself, like I am clinging on to things holding me back, like I am not running as fast as I should. And all God wants from us is to run. To run like crazy.

And I forget. I stopped having quiet times. I fell completely away from the idea of spending time with God. And without that learning, your faith can't go anywhere. And I compromised. My eyes were watching other things than God. I wanted to see grades and girls and running and friends lifted high in my life, not God. And I wanted to justify myself. But now I'm coming back. Now I'm running as fast as I can and when it gets hard, I better keep that mentality, even if I'm going at a snail's pace. It's not about the pace, it's not where you are now. It's what you're gonna do. Because everything I've done is behind me, all of my successes and failures. The race isn't finished, there is more to do. And at the end, I could care less about my time. I want to know if I ran my heart out.

I want to leave no mistake. God is my God. I'm not trying to follow anything else. Sign me up for this. God deserves all of me. Nothing left back. There are bigger things going on than me and you. Sacrifice needs to be made, we need to wake up.

i would bet my life.

i woke up this morning and got to school at about 7:30, still not exactly awake, thinking "when will any of this be relevant?" thinking, "will today be the day i see God save someone right in front of me? will today be the day my life is changed, will today be the day God revives me?" will today be a day of relevance, or will it fade away again? will anything happen that i wouldn't miss for the world? "Better is one day in Your courts, better is one day in Your house than thousands elsewhere." apart from God, we fade away. but if i could live a day in His will, i would remember that day for the rest of my life.

i can be so clumsy, i can be so foolish,
i can be so stupid, and then i feel so useless
but You're saying You love me
and You're still gonna hold me
and You want to be near me,
cause You're making me holy.

---

i was talking to a friend yesterday on the Internet and we started talking about what to do when you want to make the right choices in other peoples' lives. like if you've been there, and you know what you can do to make things better, you know what you can do so that you don't fall flat on your face, what can be done to keep away from brokenness. and you try to tell them, you try to make them understand that, if they just made this right choice, then everything would be better, then they wouldn't fall into the same holes or through the same cracks as you.

but it's hard, because the person you are trying to help can just as easily say, "no," can just as easily say "i don't want your help, i'll live my own life, i've got things under control, i don't need your special treatment." doesn't understand that you're trying to help them for the better, maybe doesn't even understand why they even need somebody's help. and it hurts because all you were trying to do was guide them in the right direction, and they won't let you.

and you've got to believe that God sees things the same way, except with a whole lot more truth because He sees so much of a bigger and more complex picture than we do. because He tells us "just follow Me," and we throw in some pride and some conditionals and tell Him to wait and "no wait, i don't trust You yet, just give me a couple of years," and then we bail out on Him again and whatnot. but i was going somewhere else with this.

because i've been there. i went to a Korean retreat two summers ago in Arkansas with my friend's Korean church in Oklahoma City, with my friend and his other friend who wasn't a believer. and at the retreat, they would do amazing worship each night and God was really moving there and you could see Him changing peoples' lives, and a couple of times, i just put my hands on my friend and prayed he would be touched by God. and i think it happened, God started touching him. but still, my friend wouldn't believe. he wouldn't give his life up, he wouldn't really do whatever you do when you start living for God instead of other things. and on the very last night, the pastor of the church in Oklahoma City took my hands off of my friend and told me that i could only do so much, that my friend had to make the choice for himself. and i hated that, to be honest. i hated it that i couldn't make him believe, that he couldn't understand how much it had changed me, that it really was real, all of it was real. i hated that i knew God was the answer to all of his desires and i tried to tell him, but he wouldn't listen to me. well, anyway, he got saved later that night and it was beautiful and everything was fine.

i guess things are better that way, that only God could make him believe. but certainly you must know what i mean - all of us are human, right? and though it might not exactly be a fight for control over someone's life, it's trying to point someone in the right direction, and it hurts when they don't understand, when they can't see the things that you see. that's kind of why this post is titled "i would bet my life." I would bet my life that this is right. God is real, God is a Savior. He's got everything you want, everything you need, and He's the only one making things work out. He's the only one loving on you, even if you can't understand it with all of the bad going on. but still, i would bet my life this is right. i know it's sorta foolish to say something like that, but this is my best shot. and i've seen it just as real as you've see anything else. i would bet everything so you could see God for who He really is, to catch the revelation of who He really is.

please be heartfelt...

please be a heartfelt post...please be, somehow, relevant to any of this. i run around hoping i can be these things - hoping i can be in the right with God and with others, hoping i can be in truth, that the words i say and the things i do would have meaning, would be worth listening to, worth watching. that my life would have a purpose, that i wouldn't be living in vain, that i wouldn't be wasting away. and yet, what will i do? will my actions reflect an urgency for relevance, a desire for significance, a search for something that matters?

i realized today in chapel that the things we learn have no relevance to what we are facing. there's nothing about "this can change your life," nothing about "this is a solution to your problems," nothing about "He died for you." instead, i can't even remember what we talk about. today he told us how we sometimes take for granted the things that God gives us, but the chaplain didn't really talk about it that much. but he's speaking to a broken generation. a generation bent on drugs, on sex, a generation that has been exposed to more heartbreak than ever before, more brokenness in their homes and their relationships than any generation has ever known, a generation who has been fed the idea that they have to be bigger than themselves to be relevant, to be loved or significant or heartfelt. a generation whose problems run from the media and propaganda to drugs and rape to collapsing homes and relationships to having nothing. having nothing to live for, having nothing worth living for.

but i didn't say what i said in that first paragraph because i am trying to psyche and hype myself up to be some kind of leader that can say something relevant. well, i want to, but i didn't say any of that because i wanted myself to be the answer. i didn't even know what i would write in that second paragraph. i wrote what i did because i identify with this generation. i identify with the brokenness, with the abandonment, with the confusion and the chaos. because my life is falling apart. because i have relationships that are failing. namely, one.

these are four qualities:
humility
love
relevance
vulnerability

i have one relationship that i don't invest enough in. i have another relationship that i am ignoring, that i am letting sit and rot and i am letting myself stay in the wrong. i am letting one relationship get too far when i should be spending my time in another. i am letting one relationship sit in the corner undetected, i have another that i don't know what to do with, i have another i haven't paid attention to for years.

will God see my hands? will He see my hands raised high, will He see me heart bowed down? will He know my sorrow, will He see my regret for not taking Him more seriously? He will see my reasons, but He knows they are not excuses, and i know they are not either. what will it take for me to give everything i have? what will it take for me to pour all of me into a single relationship, to run and cling to the majesty of a King, the shelter of His love? not asking anything. not doubting, not fearing, not even necessarily rationalizing. but acting out of some kind of determination, acting out of some kind of unreasonable need or urgency, that i have to do this.