slows (lunch)

why the unease? my heart slows like God Himself might be slowing it down.

i guess i haven't really posted up here because i feel like, unmotivated, my writing is rather bad. but i guess i still have a freedom to fail, so let the fear of failure not feed my timidity. i had posted a couple posts before this one, after the last one you see, but taken them down because i was a little embarrassed. they just didn't seem very high in quality. i don't know if i'll keep writing up here with as much frequency as the past year, but...maybe i'll start posting more.

been at school for a little over a week. i like being here, and i have met a ridiculous amount of people within the last week (so much that i cannot imagine that it has only been a week). i've met a good deal of Christians and have met a lot of people that i would love to sit down to have lunch with, to get to know better and see what has happened that makes them who they are now. i have people i would love to see the things that i have seen, and i am terribly aware that i fall short of properly loving like people should be loved. i am horrible with names and am ignorant sometimes, so i guess that's all the more reason that i should seek for others to see God and not me. "if the whole wide world is staring straight at You, they can't see me" read the lyrics from a Jason Upton song.

hung out in the Walker lobby for about two hours, jamming out on piano and then hanging with some guys. it was good, but...coming back, i just feel unease, and i'm not sure why. the lights are off, and i look straight into the sea of darkness that is my room, interrupted only by the yellow numbers 1:07, and the light shining from my laptop. phong is asleep, and i wonder if these seemingly mindless ramblings will have relevance, or if they will sink away with the week.

i prayed a couple of weeks ago that i would stay single for the year. i am unsure of what i'm thinking. i just hate this game. i feel like i always have to be with someone, to be in a romantic relationship, but i know it's not right. i know it won't last. compromise? yes. am i desperate? yes, but i want to be desperate for Christ, on fire for His name. i don't want to be desperate for a girl. i want to be desperate for God's work, i want to be hungry for His gaze, i want to be wrapped up in His arms and captivated by His love and moved and driven by His blood. by His life. by Him and only Him. i want Him to be my everything. i don't need a girl to do that, and frankly, she couldn't. i need a God bigger than the air i breathe, larger than the life i live, greater than death itself. i need a God who stands for more than my selfish desires, gives more than i can imagine, knows me better than i know myself, and loves me with a fierce and jealous love, so much that i can't help but know He is after me.

but still, unease.

what is going on? my heart seems to jump at itself, waiting to devour itself. but You have found me, called me, known me. You have made me, loved me, then loved me more. i want to touch You. i want to dance before You. i want to come alive in Your presence, to come alive with peace surpassing understanding, with truth and grace. suddenly, does it matter so much whether i take one step forward and two steps back? does it matter if i move backwards in society for the rest of my life? let me be a tax collector and a sinner. at least then Jesus will eat with me.