how bad?

"The truth is...there's not supposed to be any condemnation. God died for our worst and knew what He was getting Himself into. He knows who we are - we are simply mortal, timed beings, and we are sometimes incredibly moody, prone to turning our eyes upon the very things that kill and destroy us. We fail to know what we need, and we fail to learn.

But the people I am talking about is a Godless people. In all reality, God's love knows no end, and though I stumble, choke, and throw my life away, God is still God and I cannot shake His love. I can do nothing to separate myself from His love, and neither can any powers or principalities, nor time or death, do anything to stop His love from moving all around me.

A people after God's heart...may stumble and fall, but nothing can hold them down - especially not guilt, shame, or condemnation. They know they have been freed from these burdens - that freedom has already been given over to them. They realize that, without God, they are timed and sinful creatures, so easily distracted and deceived, failing to know their needs and failing to learn - but in Christ, they know no end, no limitations. There needs no compromise, no ceiling to possibility - God is greater than all. There needs no shame, pain, or shadow of doubt - the song of redemption resounds in the hearts of His people.

It's a people who dare to do the impossible. Who know that, in God, they exit the world and the powers that hold us down from heaven. Who dare to believe that God is simply who He says - greater than everything we see, stronger than any other power, bigger than our imaginations, the air we breathe, and the sin that has held us down in the past. This people is a generation that sees love and holiness flowing freely from God instead of their own disqualifications from salvation.

I screw up, I'm not faithful. But God is still God and the Word is still truth. If I call on Him, with all my heart, He will let me find Him. If I confess my sins and repent, He will forgive me and cleanse me from all unrighteousness. If I ask anything in His will, in His name, I can be confident to receive it. God is still God,and He is still moving in hearts. He's as alive as He's ever been - to say God sits still contradicts everything the rocks and all of creation cry out. And His people, witnesses and spectators of this majesty, are faced with a choice:

To let go and run undignified to the only One who matters or to disqualify themselves from exceedingly great rewards because a Godly life is inconvenient for years in the face of eternity. At that point, the ones who chose to be fools for Christ's sake will have more joy and life than they'll know what to do with, and I doubt they'll ever catch their breath."

things have been a little rocky lately, but things are still looking up. i continue to stand in awe looking at what God has done this past year, as everything seems to come to a close. all the academics aside, God captivated me. and i really believe i'll be looking back at the time i'm living in right now, captured in wonder, remembering how great this really was. i'm living in a time where everything is truly amazing. living on the same floor as Daniel, i was able to do things i've never done before. first semester, we would drag ourselves out of bed early in the morning and do quiet times. one day when i needed sustenance and uplifting, i cracked my Bible open in the middle of my calculus class to read Romans.

i started playing piano well after going to the oneThing conference in Kansas over winter break. i had the opportunity to spend long, tedious hours in the recording process, and i played a couple times at the Student Union and at an awards banquet. i had so much around me. our floor's Bible study met on Monday and Wednesday nights in my room. i could go to Campus Crusade on Tuesdays, Paradigm with the Baptist Student Unions on Thursdays, and Vision house church on Fridays. i could go to any church i wanted to on Sundays (though i should really look to find a real home) - a certain Sunday was spent three hours at a prayer event, followed by church, and then a small group prayer meeting. i took part in a 12 hour prayer event, was used to lead worship a couple times, and was slain in the Spirit.

my hands are bloody. but God has still planned great things. i am so glad He has not disqualified me from His plan. i fall short, i know i do. but God will redefine me. how bad do i want it? you might ask. i need to figure this out myself too. God pours out and overflows blessing. i don't want to miss out. i am so anointed, so blessed, with what i have seen and what i have been given. let me not take it for granted. i have received so much...let me not put them to waste. let me lay down in surrender, so that God has His unrestrained way. i am the clay, the vessel to be emptied. "Shall the ax boast itself against him who chops with it? Or shall the saw exalt itself against him who saws with it?" (Isaiah 10:15)

it'll be interesting week. i really gotta get into this. i gotta get the Bible in me. lay down in surrender, eyes on God. if you read Psalm 119...that's what i want to be able to say. but my eyes must be on God. or else i am deceived and have fallen from grace. that's it. anything less than God i don't want. i don't want myself either, or my works. i don't need blessing, and let me say this - comfort. there are bigger things going on. how bad do i want it? time will tell. let God have His way in me.