self-rant and thanks

haven't i been here before?

i hurt enough people, the scars are still nightmares i relive. i don't feel like i have a single relationship with a girl that i can be proud of. everything seems defiled, broken, wrong.

i let a girl come before God. i fell in love with physical touch and sensuality, i denied God for it. i've let myself be defined by a girl before, more so than God. let myself feel the way she saw me, let myself be affirmed by her. i know what it feels like to invest too much emotionally, in unhealthy ways. i know what it feels like to think about a girl more than God. i know what it feels like to use God as a facade to get to a girl, and i know how things spiral out of control so fast, a stumbling block to both me and her.

how foolish can i get? how wrong can i be?

---update and thanks---

just here in tulsa. a little boring, but good. took a long run (well....long considering i haven't been running) on Riverside, ate and played music at church, new guitar strings, which i'm sorta pumped about, and basketball, a party, and Bedlam tomorrow. it's nice being back home, but i find myself waiting until i can get back to Norman and have more to do. i don't know why it feels that way. waking up at OU, i seem to have so much more of a drive than i do here.

big thanks about my dad, for anyone following the story of my life. he's been put on new meds, and i was almost certain, along with my mom, that'd be headed towards a group home in Vinita. my mom even went to go drop him off, but she wouldn't leave him there due to the conditions or something, so he came back home. but lately, he's actually been different, and when he tells me he's been getting better, i have an easier time believing it because i actually see it in him. we actually sit down and have conversations and when we go out to lunch, he even comes. he is more involved, even if only in small steps. he's been taking his meds lately, and it's been working, i guess. praise God though, not the meds. He has provided and shaped my dad's heart, He has made our family the way that it is, He has kept things from ultimately breaking. He has restored, revived, resurrected.

thanks to be back in Tulsa, for my best friend Billy being back as well. thanks for long runs and great weather, getting to drive a car around, late nights in the dark typing on a laptop, a loving family, great friends and great memories, and a greater God. let me have no complaints. contentedness, satisfaction, and yet an increasing hunger and desire and pursuit for a living God. His glory is from everlasting to everlasting, so much so that the angels continue to praise Him and will never get to the end of His praise, to the limits of His majesty.

thanks to rooming with Phong, laughs with Jojo, basketball with the guys, Tuesday nights with CRU, basketball nights with friends, music with Yellow Fever, and even tutoring with DLC. thanks to coffee for helping me get through the day, being at OU and no other place but OU, all the great memories i've shared with my youth group and high school friends, all the great things yet to come that are filled with promises and challenges and trials, and thanks that the promises are greater than the challenges.