i would bet my life.

i woke up this morning and got to school at about 7:30, still not exactly awake, thinking "when will any of this be relevant?" thinking, "will today be the day i see God save someone right in front of me? will today be the day my life is changed, will today be the day God revives me?" will today be a day of relevance, or will it fade away again? will anything happen that i wouldn't miss for the world? "Better is one day in Your courts, better is one day in Your house than thousands elsewhere." apart from God, we fade away. but if i could live a day in His will, i would remember that day for the rest of my life.

i can be so clumsy, i can be so foolish,
i can be so stupid, and then i feel so useless
but You're saying You love me
and You're still gonna hold me
and You want to be near me,
cause You're making me holy.

---

i was talking to a friend yesterday on the Internet and we started talking about what to do when you want to make the right choices in other peoples' lives. like if you've been there, and you know what you can do to make things better, you know what you can do so that you don't fall flat on your face, what can be done to keep away from brokenness. and you try to tell them, you try to make them understand that, if they just made this right choice, then everything would be better, then they wouldn't fall into the same holes or through the same cracks as you.

but it's hard, because the person you are trying to help can just as easily say, "no," can just as easily say "i don't want your help, i'll live my own life, i've got things under control, i don't need your special treatment." doesn't understand that you're trying to help them for the better, maybe doesn't even understand why they even need somebody's help. and it hurts because all you were trying to do was guide them in the right direction, and they won't let you.

and you've got to believe that God sees things the same way, except with a whole lot more truth because He sees so much of a bigger and more complex picture than we do. because He tells us "just follow Me," and we throw in some pride and some conditionals and tell Him to wait and "no wait, i don't trust You yet, just give me a couple of years," and then we bail out on Him again and whatnot. but i was going somewhere else with this.

because i've been there. i went to a Korean retreat two summers ago in Arkansas with my friend's Korean church in Oklahoma City, with my friend and his other friend who wasn't a believer. and at the retreat, they would do amazing worship each night and God was really moving there and you could see Him changing peoples' lives, and a couple of times, i just put my hands on my friend and prayed he would be touched by God. and i think it happened, God started touching him. but still, my friend wouldn't believe. he wouldn't give his life up, he wouldn't really do whatever you do when you start living for God instead of other things. and on the very last night, the pastor of the church in Oklahoma City took my hands off of my friend and told me that i could only do so much, that my friend had to make the choice for himself. and i hated that, to be honest. i hated it that i couldn't make him believe, that he couldn't understand how much it had changed me, that it really was real, all of it was real. i hated that i knew God was the answer to all of his desires and i tried to tell him, but he wouldn't listen to me. well, anyway, he got saved later that night and it was beautiful and everything was fine.

i guess things are better that way, that only God could make him believe. but certainly you must know what i mean - all of us are human, right? and though it might not exactly be a fight for control over someone's life, it's trying to point someone in the right direction, and it hurts when they don't understand, when they can't see the things that you see. that's kind of why this post is titled "i would bet my life." I would bet my life that this is right. God is real, God is a Savior. He's got everything you want, everything you need, and He's the only one making things work out. He's the only one loving on you, even if you can't understand it with all of the bad going on. but still, i would bet my life this is right. i know it's sorta foolish to say something like that, but this is my best shot. and i've seen it just as real as you've see anything else. i would bet everything so you could see God for who He really is, to catch the revelation of who He really is.