like practically every kid in America

by the end of today's workout, i found myself wishing my life was like Laguna Beach, like practically every kid in America, whether they know it or not.

and as i pondered what it would take to get my life to be just like Laguna Beach, i realized that i would have to change myself for people like to me. i would be letting other people determine my value, and this value would come from a part of myself that i had faked, by wearing clothes i probably wouldn't wear and maybe going to parties and getitng drunk or doing whatever qualitifes as cool. and i don't want to have to go through that...i just want to be myself. so maybe i won't end up having a life like the people on Laguna Beach, but i'll still have the attention of One who wants to see me be myself. and that, to me, is reason enough to turn to God for the attention we desire.

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today was Cum Laude, which is pretty much an academic recognition of upperclassmen. they always recognize the top 10% of the junior class and then the next year, they recognize the next 10% (i'm not sure if it cumulates to be the top 20% of the original junior class or an additional, new 10% off a senior class). but anyway, i thought i would get it. i didn't. my freshmen grades killed me. and as much as i really did want that kind of academic distinction (curse you, pride, i think), if my grades hadn't sunken so low and it hadn't killed me so much, i probably wouldn't have become a Christian.

i needed the wake up call of horribly bad grades to see that i needed something else. my friend and i were talking about how i became a Christian and she thought that i was indicating that something has to be wrong, radically wrong, before you can feel a need for God, i guess you could say. like God was just another antidote to make people feel better. like you have to be depressed or suicidal or maniacal before God makes sense, before God can be an answer, which could mean that God is just like any other get rich quick scheme, that He only holds true for people who really need Him.

but the truth is, i think it's only really obvious that something needs to change when things are so severely wrong. like, in your daily life, you might have things that irk you, maybe even a lot, but just as long as you still have some kind of contentedness inside yourself, you're not going to go to some kind of great length to get things fixed, because, and this might sound really bad, there's no urgency. if you've got a week to write a paper, when will you write it? when there's urgency to write it. maybe in the same way, when you've got problems, when will you take a step to try to resolve them? when it becomes unbearable, when there is a certain kind of urgency.

but some people never seem to reach that point, never seem to get to some point of brokenness or vulnerability or anything. and they are content with their lives. but God is...bigger than that. He lifts us higher than we could ever get on our own. but more than that...He is worthy to be praised and feared. it's weird to think, but it's not about us. it's not about getting enough happiness or enough of life that you can live comfortably and not worry about money or social conditions or anything. it's about God...and that's hard to try to tell someone, but the whole idea about Christianity is that God deserves you, and He went through hell so that He could call you His son or daughter. and by His love, you can live. but the point isn't to live. it's about God, to run back to Him and let things become what they were intended to be. but i still think it's right. if you've ever wondered what the point of life is or who you really are, i think you find those answers when you start talking to God.