a productivity wall and running

sorry for the scarcity of posts. Spring Break happened and i went on a mission trip to Chicago, so i was hoping that i could make my first post my mission trip journal, but i've kind of hit a productivity wall, so i'm just gonna put something up here.

on the mission trip, we stayed with a missionary family, the Lorances. A guy named Scott from Norman had joined their missions team, so he was living with them. one time, when we came back from a day of trying to talk to people, he said that God had really opened his eyes to see how gross he really is, and to really ask, "how could God really love me?" and how, when someone is gross and disgusting or rude and obnoxious to us, we try to get as far as we can from that person as we can. but God calls us to Him. He wants us to be closer to Him, He even lets us come as we are.

well today, i've been thinking mean thoughts. really just obnoxious thoughts, like "so and so isn't really all that good," or "he is so immature," or whatever. and i don't really know what to do or how to stop. i guess it becomes apparent that it has to be God's grace that saves me from really having malicious thoughts, but why exactly is this happening? i think God is showing me how gross i really am. He's showing me that i really am someone deserving of death, that i really am someone who murders and commits adultery and does terrible things, and He is delivering me of it, He is saving me from myself, essentially.

---

running plays a big part in my life, for several reasons, really. i like it because it is a way to burn off stress and to get some exercise and you can relax. and i like it because it seems to let you take advantage of the weather and time of day, and because you can go places - like if i wanted to go to Krispy Kreme around 6 or 7 in the morning and get a donut, i could do that, which i used to do in the summer until i figured that it probably wasn't that good for the run back. and i like it because it is a relative kind of sport, because you are competing more against yourself than any of your opponents. and because of this, runners understand other runners. they understand that you really have to do some hard work if you want to get better, they understand what it feels like at the end of a race when everyone starts kicking and you have nothing left, and somehow, you still press on. they understand that you're supposed to run your own race, that you have to be disciplined if you want to stay in shape.

and i understand a little more about life because of running. and when i read Isaiah about mounting up on wings like eagles and running without being weary, it gets me excited, because the times when i've gotten a glimpse of running without being weary, i've been able to go pretty fast without feeling any kind of fatigue and it is fun. hence, grace. how, when you are running a race, you will hit a point when it hurts, and you can choose to keep that pace or let it go and try to pick it up later. how there is a time when you can't see anything besides the pain and the hurt, and the idea that you can keep going, even if it hurts. and when it's all over, you can look back and think, "that pain is no longer relevant. it's been overcome." and you can think, "i am somehow better because i kept going," though this is a dangerous line because when you're talking about a Christian race of faith, it's not us that keep going, it's God doing all of the work. more than that, we are simply choosing to let ourselves be taken on this race, to let it hurt - or to let it feel great at the end. And at the end, it does feel great. because the race is over. we won.

i realize that this is something i enjoy about running. because it requires you to become more than yourself, i guess you could say. when you are running a workout, everyone becomes fatigued. but to get better, you still push even when it feels like you are dead and your legs are dead and you can't do another one. it feels so good when you are running on essentially nothing, when you have nothing left, and somehow, you can keep running. at that point, it is God's grace. you're running at a pace bigger than yourself, a workout that you shouldn't be able to finish because you're dead. it's the same way with this whole race of faith. we shouldn't be able to finish. we shouldn't be able to run the distance, because we are hurting so much, we are so disillusioned about it perhaps. and yet, as long as we continue to try to run the race of faith - ie, as long as we continue to look to God - we still run good races, and we ultimately finish and receive this kingdom that cannot be shaken and share in God's endless glory. i think this is what i like about running.