runnning in Kansas (EDIT)

as i type this, my legs hurt, even though i didn't race today. but...i look back on the weekend and maybe even the track season, maybe even my whole running career as it comes to a close, and i guess it really is a humbling experience. it's like one of those things that you just have to stop and wonder at because somehow, you made it. you arrived, somehow, at some kind of place where you know you're on to something, that this something really is great.

i ran 4:59.2, finally breaking a five minute mile. but words wouldn't express the kind of grief i felt when i came through the first leg of the relay, passed the baton, and looked up to see 5:01. not only had i failed, but i had come all the way from tulsa, after 4 hours of driving, to run my last mile and not run it hard. the track was bouncy in a way that this seemed very true, because your legs didn't end up tired at all. and i only had around five guys behind me - i was in the very back. i felt horrible.

and i think that's a humbling process too. God still gave me a sub five minute mile, what i wanted. He didn't give me the 4:50 or whatever i thought i should have run, and maybe if i had, i would have felt like i had something to boast about (Ephesians 2:8), but now I don't really. but i still have something to be proud of - i have no reason to be mad or distressed in the same way that i have no reason to boast - i ran a good time, a personal record, and even got a school record that will stand for a while (as it may be long before we get four guys who can average five minute miles).

i don't know. i wish you could have been there. because we come back to Tulsa at midnight and four guys have their girlfriends waiting on them, and i get back to my house and my dad barely says hello to me, and i find out that i get into the Honors College at OU and i run a good mile time yesterday, but...i'd leave all of this to get out of loneliness. i'd leave all of this to be able to know that things are gonna be okay, to get a glimpse of beauty, to be able to spend a night talking with someone outside. for things to be what they were meant to be...i would give it up for that. hopefully, i will recognize it when things are that way..

Hebrews 11 defines faith as believing in things not seen, the hope for things to come. maybe that last paragraph was like the same thing.

EDIT

what i came to the conclusion was this: running is something i do, but it's not who i am. though i have made a sort of reputation for myself as a runner, my true identity is not as a runner. and when i am running simply for the sake of running... it is like lust, or drugs, or anything. i'm just looking for my next high, and i can only see as far as my next event or my next meet or my next practice.

i liked running because it helped me understand things about life. how we live, like how discipline is important and races are relative and what it really means to live or run with everything you have, and all these things. but my true identity isn't a runner. it's as God's... because i'm not looking for my next high and the things i do don't fade away into the distance. i can't even remember my last few races, and i can't tell you my times or if i ran varsity. and with God...i'm not looking for my next high. it's different than that. it's hard trying to say whatever it is i'm feeling. it's just like God is relevant and significant. always. it's not waiting for the next high because it's always a high, and it's not even about getting the high, it's just about knowing that you're right and knowing that the things you are doing are going to be significant in the way that you will never forget for the rest of your lives.

i've run a lot of races, conference championships when they've been the only thing i could think about for a week or two. but i can't say that they changed my life. i can't say that they made me better, and i can't say that i'll remember them for the rest of my life. i hardly remember them, aside from what some people said or when i kicked or what our team placed. that's it. but with God... Christianity does change my life. i really do think that i'm getting changed for the better, and that the things that happen will stay with me, they won't fade away like all of my old highs. i am satisfied.

there was a night in Mexico City, the one night i was baptized. and i remember it...i remember what the air felt like and looking up at the stars and the night and walking back after doing it. i remember the determination i felt to do it, and i remember thinking "i'm going to remember this night for the rest of my life." and what's crazy is, i do.

when i used to do spelling bees, there was this one time when i missed the word 'Heterogeneous' in the regionals and i could've gone to nationals if i had outlasted seven more people or something like that, and i went home thinking i would remember that moment for the rest of my life, thinking "what could have happened?" but it's stupid, it's pointless. because even if i had gone to nationals, it wouldn't have changed me, it wouldn't have fixed my problems, it wouldn't have led me anywhere. i wouldn't have satisfied. it wouldn't have given me a kind of confidence that everything's going to end up okay, it wouldn't have been able to help me out with any of my problems.

and i said all of that to say this: when i am running for the sake of running, i am forgetting who i am. i run for what it stands for, just like so much more. marriage is supposed to be a representation of our relationship with God, not to sound like i'm undermining it at all, and youth group is supposed to represent the body of Christ. and all of these different things, we're not supposed to be doing them simply for the sake of doing them. but because they have something to do with God.