the tears i cry

well, i'm back in tulsa, and up to a solid 8 pages on my short story. woke up to a dream, interestingly enough, second night in a row. i remembered being so certian of it, and when i had woken up semi-consciously, i am pretty sure i believed with little doubt that this was somehow true. i was thinking or dreaming that God intended for us to be pure and perfect, but we were still supposed to give it all away.

that's the basic, but i did a lot of elaborating on it. i wrote it on a Days Inn notepad, talking about how, when we feel that we're just normal, nothing ordinary, then we shouldn't have to do a lot. like if we only have the average income, then we shouldn't be expected to pay a lot of money to charity - at least, not like the rich should. perhaps that mindset translates to believing that if we are already weak in spirit, then the responsibility is no longer ours and falls to those who are strong in spirit. wrong...even if what we have is very little or nothing out of the ordinary, I think that's not the way God sees it, and we are supposed to give it all away, regardless of whatever it is we have. i think the way God sees us, or intends for us to be, is pure and perfect.

well, i woke up to that message, and spent another long day programming and building, much of it being mad because...i don't know. irritation. disappointment or discouragement, or something like that. would rather forget, anyway. just lost my composure.

it turns out that my sister was catching a ride from home back to college, but she really ended up going to New Mexico to ski. pretty tricky...i think that's cool. tired, i'm just going to write a little and get out of here for some sleep, because an early morning awakes to practice leading worship tomorrow at church.

listening to this song, Behind these Hazel Eyes, by kelly clarkson. it's a good song. talking about, probably, a girl who invested a lot in a guy, and the guy left, so the girl is just kind of...mad at him, and talking about the tears that she's going to cry behind her hazel eyes. did i mention she was also the American Idol? but seriously, i don't know why i have such a large reaction to this song. or the movie the Devil Wears Prada. i should forget. i know i should. i keep holding on, and i hurt, but i need to deal and move on. i really do. grr...frustration. i don't know. i'm gonna go to sleep.