see the morning

last year in track season, I was feeling pretty dejected. we had to drive out somewhere far, and that previous Friday night, I remember something happened to prove even more discouraging. I ran a horrendously bad two mile (i was just playing around) and then got pretty mad at myself, retreating to the tent to try to read more of Mere Christianity and listen to music. i was crying, and people were there, but nobody tried to comfort me. I couldn't understand that. maybe because i retreated into myself.

because yesterday night, i was feeling pretty dejected, and drove some semi-long distance to get to the Burn (www.burn24-7.com/) and left feeling kind of discouraged. all i got was that God should be more than just my top priority, but my only priority. and that i would give so much to feel God's embrace. to be wrapped up in His arms. couldn't get that out of my head. well, okay, there was something else in my head, because i think that's the closest I got to God, though i could feel when He was surging through everybody else with this amazing drum player. like I could feel it on my skin sorta thing.

i am not sure why sometimes you go to seek God and you can't find Him. i think it's sometimes because we think we are "summoning" Him and that's not the way it works at all, so He doesn't show up so that we have to see that we are wrong. CS Lewis said that if your paradigm or sight does not allow to see God, then you obviously won't see God. i think that's been my experience, but it's been disguised behind pride and whatnot. i don't know, but i feel like i missed it.

these last few days have been a rollercoaster, feeling God in the morning (feeling amazing, doing bits and pieces of homework with great quality) and sometimes wearing off, as it did yesterday night with Friday night. i think i just got ticked off because here was aileen and elaine and aileen had a haircut and jerry was just kinda messing with them, and it was like, why couldn't i do that? anyway, i talked to sarah later at around midnight and she said things that made sense. that i only had a clear view of three girls and if there had been even 30 girls aileen might not have stood out. she also said sometimes God puts people in our lives that we can date and stuff, but they're not "the one," but God's still trying to teach us stuff. about that time, i remembered that being in a relationship is never about the relationship, but about the other person. and i'll repeat that because it makes so much sense that i have forgotten all too many times - being in a relationship has never been about the relationship, but about the other person

well, with the morning i am beginning to feel better. energy and these things sorta behind me. if you were wondering, something happened to my gmail account, and so i couldn't access the "new" Blogger. fortunately, this was repaired. i'm still here.