hey guys. back home in tulsa for a little bit this winter break. feeling a little moody tonight, so i guess i'm gonna write it out and then get some sleep before church tomorrow morning.
things really have been good lately. i feel like God is really walking with me, showing me how unbelievably and incomparably blessed i am. i really think that i'm the luckiest, most blessed guy here - the amount that i've been given and still have yet to understand or realize is simply unreal. spiritually, i've been doing a bit better than i felt like i was doing throughout the semester. i've spent considerably more time in the Word and trying to take it as seriously as i can. i've been trying to turn away from idols and past sins and to lift up problems and struggles in prayer, to seek first God and His righteousness.
i realize how small, how frail and broken i am. let me not think highly of myself. i realize that i myself can't please people, that i can't satisfy or complete Suzi like i wish i could. i'm simply stained with imperfection and selfish motive - often acting out foolishly and immaturely without knowing it. i realize how small my tolerance is for my family, how hard my heart can be towards injustice, how self-centered i can be through my actions, and how i socially shut down when i don't realize the treasures in front of me.
i pray that i would be made like a man, a man after God's own heart. i pray that i would step up and do the dirty work and take responsibility and be a leader. i pray that i would be more invested in suzi's spiritual walk and being a good steward, for each person will stand before God alone to give their own account.
i know that i've prayed and seen results, received favor and undeserved blessings. let me continue to pray and plead, knowing that You are right here, in this silence. You are above everything that i see - and You have never disappointed, never failed me, never messed up even slightly. You alone are good, wholly, purely, good.
i think i'm just tired tonight. i need to maybe just get some rest.
update though:
been working on moving from fallingcloser.blogspot.com to dchang.limewebs.com, using Wordpress and writing a custom theme. it's been a good project that i've worked on pretty intensely over the past 3 days. definitely have learned a lot - have worked with Google analytics, the Facebook and Twitter 'like' and 'retweet' buttons, the different ins and outs of Wordpress, the Twitter API, and random PHP tidbits. have also picked up how sprites are used and am blown away as i look through the Firebug rendering of Facebook's code - plenty of things i've never seen before
other than that, hitting up 3 different conferences this break (2 with Campus Crusade in Dallas, the other being the oneThing conference put on by IHOP) and getting my wisdom teeth pulled. on top of that, just going to be working and getting ready for the new semester. hoping to pull through my classes and graduate in May, keep strong momentum at work, and hopefully start a guy's Bible study at my apartment on a weekly basis.
hope you're doing well. i may not know what you're dealing with specifically, but i'm sure you're not alone, and that God is looking at the bigger picture, knowing He's still in control, not freaking out at deadlines or anything
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Thursday, December 09, 2010
teachers
suzi and i have passed some bit of time watching a new show called Community on Hulu. the show itself isn't that important, though it does go highly recommended by me. in the last episode we watched, one of the cast members, named Troy, is about to turn 21, so the cast of protagonists go to a club to celebrate, each of them getting either intoxicated or consumed with facades they've been trying to maintain. the episode essentially ends with Troy taking everyone home and realizing that, while he had looked up to some of the other, older cast members for the past two years, they really weren't any more mature than he was.
so while Troy had held the two other characters as teachers, he eventually realized that they weren't worthy of being looked up to as teachers at all.
i recently got a book from John Piper from amazon called Sex and the Supremacy of God. from reading in Proverbs 7, the Bible seemed to say that if we had understanding, then we wouldn't fall subject to sin so much, particularly in the area of sexual morality. i was introduced to sex from the Internet, which isn't the best place to learn about most things. so i got this book to hopefully raise my understanding of the divine implications of sex and why we are supposed to hold it so sacred or special.
Piper would go on to assert in the first chapter that sex reveals to us a slice of the greater character, promises, and intimacy that God has for us. one of the primary reasons that we are wired so sexually is because it is to point us towards an even greater longing and an even greater satisfaction that we are to experience in Christ. so it isn't simply knowing who God is on a mental level, but it is nearly a "sexual" intimacy - not sexual in a physical way, but in a way of understanding and commitment and pleasure.
with this idea of sexuality laid out, and my past and current struggles with pornography, i began to realize in class that people involved in pornography - like porn stars - don't really know the first thing about sex. they don't really know anything about sex at all. and yet i've realized that they've secretly been forming my ideas of how sex should work and what is pleasurable and what i should desire. and since i was looking up to these porn stars to teach me about sex, i was being fed lies regarding what sex is really about and why it's so enjoyable in the first place. at the same time, i think this was part of the reason i kept returning to pornography - i thought that these actors or actresses knew what they were doing and could teach me something or satisfy me somehow (as weird as that sounds).
whereas, if sex is really this sacred thing that has very much to do with the character of God and His love for us, and less to do with church culture and obedience to the law, then the people in pornography don't know anything about sex, and i need to be following someone else's example, and turning to someone else to tell me what to do with my sexuality and the very real desires i have.
and if this makes sense, then it may make sense to expand this to other things. if people in porn don't know the first thing about sex, then celebrities might not know anything about happiness and joy. college teachers might not know wisdom at all. people we secretly look up to might not be worth looking up to after all.
so while Troy had held the two other characters as teachers, he eventually realized that they weren't worthy of being looked up to as teachers at all.
i recently got a book from John Piper from amazon called Sex and the Supremacy of God. from reading in Proverbs 7, the Bible seemed to say that if we had understanding, then we wouldn't fall subject to sin so much, particularly in the area of sexual morality. i was introduced to sex from the Internet, which isn't the best place to learn about most things. so i got this book to hopefully raise my understanding of the divine implications of sex and why we are supposed to hold it so sacred or special.
Piper would go on to assert in the first chapter that sex reveals to us a slice of the greater character, promises, and intimacy that God has for us. one of the primary reasons that we are wired so sexually is because it is to point us towards an even greater longing and an even greater satisfaction that we are to experience in Christ. so it isn't simply knowing who God is on a mental level, but it is nearly a "sexual" intimacy - not sexual in a physical way, but in a way of understanding and commitment and pleasure.
with this idea of sexuality laid out, and my past and current struggles with pornography, i began to realize in class that people involved in pornography - like porn stars - don't really know the first thing about sex. they don't really know anything about sex at all. and yet i've realized that they've secretly been forming my ideas of how sex should work and what is pleasurable and what i should desire. and since i was looking up to these porn stars to teach me about sex, i was being fed lies regarding what sex is really about and why it's so enjoyable in the first place. at the same time, i think this was part of the reason i kept returning to pornography - i thought that these actors or actresses knew what they were doing and could teach me something or satisfy me somehow (as weird as that sounds).
whereas, if sex is really this sacred thing that has very much to do with the character of God and His love for us, and less to do with church culture and obedience to the law, then the people in pornography don't know anything about sex, and i need to be following someone else's example, and turning to someone else to tell me what to do with my sexuality and the very real desires i have.
and if this makes sense, then it may make sense to expand this to other things. if people in porn don't know the first thing about sex, then celebrities might not know anything about happiness and joy. college teachers might not know wisdom at all. people we secretly look up to might not be worth looking up to after all.
Monday, October 18, 2010
things as of lately (another update)
for those of you who might actually still read this, there's a good chance you don't know how i've been doing lately. not to say i've been a social recluse, but i feel like i'm not really that well connected to a large number of people. i've got a couple of people who have really grown close to me over the past month or two, for which i'm greatly thankful.
i remember believing that God opened the door for me to be an RA last year. i remember missing the deadline to apply to get into the RA class, and yet i got in through Daniel Kao. then i remember getting "waitlisted" for the position, only to find out several months later that i was extended a Safewalk position, which many agree is an awesome position. this year, my living situation is much of the same. i've been living with three other guys from CRU, who i deeply respect. it really has been amazing - and they've really kept me accountable, as well as just provided me with male companionship that i feel so lacking in my life. we pretend to rap and go on runs and watch poker or college football together, none of which is particularly unbelievable or groundbreaking. but it's groundbreaking for me.
additionally, i've been meeting with 2 other Asian guys on a weekly basis, and it's been incredibly encouraging. i'm not the one teaching, but am one of the students. but we've been talking about the Bible, using the Bible, and it's actually really changed my view of the Bible and how i read it. it's allowed me to really get into the Bible more deeply than in the immediate past, and i've enjoyed going through 1/2 Peter and 1/2 Corinthians. the other 2 guys have been outstanding, in their prayer, support, and affirmation of me, and i find that i can be vulnerable and myself as i'm around them.
one thing i've learned lately is that i used to always reason that my walk with God would be better if i was surrounded by other Asian believers. i would simply feel more at home, i would fit in, i would have a ministry that i could be plugged in to that would equip me to lead and grow more comfortably. now that i've known some Asian-American believers with the start of this semester, i realize that i haven't necessarily changed at all. i realize that i was really just making excuses based on my immediate circumstances, while circumstances should never be an excuse for one's faith level or walk with God.
i've also been going through a Revival devotional with Suzi, one of those 5 days a week devotionals. it's actually been good, and i've definitely felt the call to repentance and to know that obedience is a love issue. obedience flows out of love, and disobedience flows out of a failure to love. we've also spent some time at Barnes and Noble the past two nights, which means i've had the chance to read about a half of the Great Divorce by CS Lewis, which is a kind of fiction essay in which people from hell get on a bus and go to heaven. reading about the various delusions that the people from hell have, as well as some of their self-centeredness, has only opened my eyes to my own level of selfishness and how something as simple as running could get in the way of what life is really all about. in the book, Lewis writes how some get so obsessed and bogged down with answering questions about God or trying to prove Him, that they couldn't care less about God Himself. some turned to things like running or painting with noble means, initially, but then make it all about that, to the point of refusing to walk with God for that pursuit.
there are some other relational things going on, that cause me to think in terms of urgency. as we would have said years ago, i feel the necessity to "man up," to get my head on straight, to run for broke, with everything i have. clearly, God's calling isn't easy. it's a narrow road. and no one gets by simply by willpower. faith by grace and works go hand in hand. but too often, i find that i don't run the way i want to run. i don't live the way i want to live. i simply give myself to my most shallow, lustful desires - and am left in regret. (and to live without regrets is not to do whatever you want to do, but to do what you know you need to do.) i find that my heart is broken down and something to be ashamed of, and i find that God is in the business of touching hearts. but not for my sake. i find that my life is not about making a better me, but it's about glorifying God and knowing Him, walking with Him, learning what it means to be in relationship with Him. and i find that the only way i am brought closer to Him is not because of anything that i do, but everything that He does on my behalf.
i remember believing that God opened the door for me to be an RA last year. i remember missing the deadline to apply to get into the RA class, and yet i got in through Daniel Kao. then i remember getting "waitlisted" for the position, only to find out several months later that i was extended a Safewalk position, which many agree is an awesome position. this year, my living situation is much of the same. i've been living with three other guys from CRU, who i deeply respect. it really has been amazing - and they've really kept me accountable, as well as just provided me with male companionship that i feel so lacking in my life. we pretend to rap and go on runs and watch poker or college football together, none of which is particularly unbelievable or groundbreaking. but it's groundbreaking for me.
additionally, i've been meeting with 2 other Asian guys on a weekly basis, and it's been incredibly encouraging. i'm not the one teaching, but am one of the students. but we've been talking about the Bible, using the Bible, and it's actually really changed my view of the Bible and how i read it. it's allowed me to really get into the Bible more deeply than in the immediate past, and i've enjoyed going through 1/2 Peter and 1/2 Corinthians. the other 2 guys have been outstanding, in their prayer, support, and affirmation of me, and i find that i can be vulnerable and myself as i'm around them.
one thing i've learned lately is that i used to always reason that my walk with God would be better if i was surrounded by other Asian believers. i would simply feel more at home, i would fit in, i would have a ministry that i could be plugged in to that would equip me to lead and grow more comfortably. now that i've known some Asian-American believers with the start of this semester, i realize that i haven't necessarily changed at all. i realize that i was really just making excuses based on my immediate circumstances, while circumstances should never be an excuse for one's faith level or walk with God.
i've also been going through a Revival devotional with Suzi, one of those 5 days a week devotionals. it's actually been good, and i've definitely felt the call to repentance and to know that obedience is a love issue. obedience flows out of love, and disobedience flows out of a failure to love. we've also spent some time at Barnes and Noble the past two nights, which means i've had the chance to read about a half of the Great Divorce by CS Lewis, which is a kind of fiction essay in which people from hell get on a bus and go to heaven. reading about the various delusions that the people from hell have, as well as some of their self-centeredness, has only opened my eyes to my own level of selfishness and how something as simple as running could get in the way of what life is really all about. in the book, Lewis writes how some get so obsessed and bogged down with answering questions about God or trying to prove Him, that they couldn't care less about God Himself. some turned to things like running or painting with noble means, initially, but then make it all about that, to the point of refusing to walk with God for that pursuit.
there are some other relational things going on, that cause me to think in terms of urgency. as we would have said years ago, i feel the necessity to "man up," to get my head on straight, to run for broke, with everything i have. clearly, God's calling isn't easy. it's a narrow road. and no one gets by simply by willpower. faith by grace and works go hand in hand. but too often, i find that i don't run the way i want to run. i don't live the way i want to live. i simply give myself to my most shallow, lustful desires - and am left in regret. (and to live without regrets is not to do whatever you want to do, but to do what you know you need to do.) i find that my heart is broken down and something to be ashamed of, and i find that God is in the business of touching hearts. but not for my sake. i find that my life is not about making a better me, but it's about glorifying God and knowing Him, walking with Him, learning what it means to be in relationship with Him. and i find that the only way i am brought closer to Him is not because of anything that i do, but everything that He does on my behalf.
Saturday, October 02, 2010
weakness
on days or weeks like this, it's hard to pretend like i'm strong or moral, or really have anything to brag about. maybe that's why the opening lines of the Heart of Worship seemed to go so far and resonate - "When the music fades and all is stripped away." though we only had a four day week of school this past week thanks to a fall break, i was consumed by various things.
my team lead was leaving and i was supposed to step up and fill the position. it was a week of transition and meetings and being afraid that i didn't have the competency or understanding to fill the role. at the same time, i was supposed to hear back from 2 companies as to whether i would go on to do on-site interviews in Austin/Madison, Wisconsin, and i was somewhat freaking out over my future and where i would end up. also, my hormones were honestly pretty raging. each night was a fight, a battle, and ultimately, i didn't win. i think i fought harder than i normally do or have to, but i didn't "win."
as i drove home to tulsa, i heard a sermon excerpt of a guy from Church at Battle Creek saying how religion is this idea that we can make the way or pave the path to salvation all by our own, and Christianity is unique because Jesus comes along and says that He alone is the way (as well as the truth and the life). and how, with the life that Jesus lived, He essentially made salvation possible. no one else really did that, or would have been foolish enough to do that. it's similar to me saying that i lived such a great life that i could save and redeem other people - not just myself, but others - regardless of who they are. and that people won't be saved for anything that they did, but for the life that i lived for them, on their behalf. that is an incredible statement, but that's really who Christians believe that Jesus is.
i don't feel qualified on any level. i don't feel right to say "this is what God has been teaching me," or that He has my whole heart. i really just feel like a failure, but from hearing some people speak and reading a book called Reason for God, by Tim Keller, this is because i'm embracing religion, rather than the true gospel. because religion is based on morality and how good i am and how infrequently i consciously make sinful choices, and that can only lead to depression and despair or pride, arrogance, and self-righteousness. but living based on the gospel is humbling because it acknowledges my own failures and inability to do anything about them or even to stop messing up, but it's also empowering in that i can have confidence that God's covenant towards me isn't going anywhere - it's stable, it's solid, it's already done.
and i have the fortunate experience of people around me telling me what a great Christian guy i am, that they really see God in me, and i hope that really is true and not something that deceives me and makes me puffed up. but i also have to wonder, what of all this struggling? and though i've repented and known my weaknesses and confessed them and wished that they would cease, do i not still seem to return to my own vomit? my old idols, the things i despised so passionately before, only to later act as if i needed them, desperate for their consolation, oblivious to God above me.
i guess my head is just a giant mess right now. i seem to have a bunch of conflicting desires - a bunch of conflicting, selfish desires. i don't often make the right choices, i don't often do what i know i need to do. and i guess, at the end of it all, no one will be saying that i had everything down. no one will speak of my morality or my character or my purity, for i really won't have any. praise God He sees the heart and not the outside. but please, God, rid this heart of everything not of You, everything that enslaves me to sin and keeps me from praising Your name and giving all of myself for Your name's sake. here i am, God, change me. desperately i need You, all of You, and desperately i acknowledge that i am just a ball of mess, of perversion, of sickness and weakness and inability. even on my best day, my best hour, i have nothing of worth to offer You or this world. i need to be rescued of myself and this world.
my team lead was leaving and i was supposed to step up and fill the position. it was a week of transition and meetings and being afraid that i didn't have the competency or understanding to fill the role. at the same time, i was supposed to hear back from 2 companies as to whether i would go on to do on-site interviews in Austin/Madison, Wisconsin, and i was somewhat freaking out over my future and where i would end up. also, my hormones were honestly pretty raging. each night was a fight, a battle, and ultimately, i didn't win. i think i fought harder than i normally do or have to, but i didn't "win."
as i drove home to tulsa, i heard a sermon excerpt of a guy from Church at Battle Creek saying how religion is this idea that we can make the way or pave the path to salvation all by our own, and Christianity is unique because Jesus comes along and says that He alone is the way (as well as the truth and the life). and how, with the life that Jesus lived, He essentially made salvation possible. no one else really did that, or would have been foolish enough to do that. it's similar to me saying that i lived such a great life that i could save and redeem other people - not just myself, but others - regardless of who they are. and that people won't be saved for anything that they did, but for the life that i lived for them, on their behalf. that is an incredible statement, but that's really who Christians believe that Jesus is.
i don't feel qualified on any level. i don't feel right to say "this is what God has been teaching me," or that He has my whole heart. i really just feel like a failure, but from hearing some people speak and reading a book called Reason for God, by Tim Keller, this is because i'm embracing religion, rather than the true gospel. because religion is based on morality and how good i am and how infrequently i consciously make sinful choices, and that can only lead to depression and despair or pride, arrogance, and self-righteousness. but living based on the gospel is humbling because it acknowledges my own failures and inability to do anything about them or even to stop messing up, but it's also empowering in that i can have confidence that God's covenant towards me isn't going anywhere - it's stable, it's solid, it's already done.
and i have the fortunate experience of people around me telling me what a great Christian guy i am, that they really see God in me, and i hope that really is true and not something that deceives me and makes me puffed up. but i also have to wonder, what of all this struggling? and though i've repented and known my weaknesses and confessed them and wished that they would cease, do i not still seem to return to my own vomit? my old idols, the things i despised so passionately before, only to later act as if i needed them, desperate for their consolation, oblivious to God above me.
i guess my head is just a giant mess right now. i seem to have a bunch of conflicting desires - a bunch of conflicting, selfish desires. i don't often make the right choices, i don't often do what i know i need to do. and i guess, at the end of it all, no one will be saying that i had everything down. no one will speak of my morality or my character or my purity, for i really won't have any. praise God He sees the heart and not the outside. but please, God, rid this heart of everything not of You, everything that enslaves me to sin and keeps me from praising Your name and giving all of myself for Your name's sake. here i am, God, change me. desperately i need You, all of You, and desperately i acknowledge that i am just a ball of mess, of perversion, of sickness and weakness and inability. even on my best day, my best hour, i have nothing of worth to offer You or this world. i need to be rescued of myself and this world.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
back to school, fall 2010
sorry guys that these posts have been rather sparse over the past few months. i praise God for the unbelievable forgiveness, grace, peace, and love that He has offered to me, though i still have nothing to offer Him. it is tremendous that He still gives good gifts, even after it has become clear how stubborn and faithless i can be, how easily my heart can be overturned and swayed with worthless things.
here are some things that have happened lately, reasons for excitement/joy:
-Suzi and I had the chance to play as part of a show earlier tonight in OKC. we only did 3 songs and we honestly kinda struggled and messed up along the way, but it was a fun opportunity and once we got up there, a lot of the pressure was gone.
-Suzi and I might also have the chance to start playing worship with a bunch of others for our local church (Wildwood Community Church). I, for one, am pretty downright psyched. I really do enjoy playing in church settings, though sometimes I struggle with whether I just want to be seen or heard or whether music is like a language of my heart, a nonverbal form of communication.
-MACCSR Labor Day retreat in a couple of weeks! also pumped, because i've heard that the college group will be going through Song of Songs. and excited at the possibility of playing bass for the worship team. i'm not gonna lie - this retreat would rank as one of the highlights of my entire year.
-got all the classes i wanted (essentially) for the fall. been learning a lot at work and will try to keep up 20 hours as school starts up. you might see me transitioning into a new blog as i've started developing using Wordpress. have definitely learned a lot.
-excited for things that God may do through Campus Crusade this upcoming year. excited for the community that will hopefully continue to grow, excited for the possibility of an Asian-American Bible study starting up (or even multiple ones!). excited that God is more faithful than me at all times, that He knows what He's doing and that i'm going to be resting in His arms for the rest of my life - even on those tough days when i try to quit and try to run away so hard.
yes. those are the things at the front of my mind right now. definitely going to crash now though. take care.
here are some things that have happened lately, reasons for excitement/joy:
-Suzi and I had the chance to play as part of a show earlier tonight in OKC. we only did 3 songs and we honestly kinda struggled and messed up along the way, but it was a fun opportunity and once we got up there, a lot of the pressure was gone.
-Suzi and I might also have the chance to start playing worship with a bunch of others for our local church (Wildwood Community Church). I, for one, am pretty downright psyched. I really do enjoy playing in church settings, though sometimes I struggle with whether I just want to be seen or heard or whether music is like a language of my heart, a nonverbal form of communication.
-MACCSR Labor Day retreat in a couple of weeks! also pumped, because i've heard that the college group will be going through Song of Songs. and excited at the possibility of playing bass for the worship team. i'm not gonna lie - this retreat would rank as one of the highlights of my entire year.
-got all the classes i wanted (essentially) for the fall. been learning a lot at work and will try to keep up 20 hours as school starts up. you might see me transitioning into a new blog as i've started developing using Wordpress. have definitely learned a lot.
-excited for things that God may do through Campus Crusade this upcoming year. excited for the community that will hopefully continue to grow, excited for the possibility of an Asian-American Bible study starting up (or even multiple ones!). excited that God is more faithful than me at all times, that He knows what He's doing and that i'm going to be resting in His arms for the rest of my life - even on those tough days when i try to quit and try to run away so hard.
yes. those are the things at the front of my mind right now. definitely going to crash now though. take care.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
2010 summer update
hey guys, i'm not sure anyone ever reads this blog anymore, but here's an update anymore. things here have been good, though i would be lying if i said it's been like this for a long time. i've had my fair share of ups and downs over the past several months, going in and out between spiritual momentum or conviction and lethargy. these past couple days have actually been good, definitely being able to bask in the love and the transformation and peace of God.
i know that, for the longest time, i felt like God wasn't really teaching me anything. but recently, i think i actually have been being taught by Him, though it might not be a huge revelation. i feel like He's been showing me how it is only by the power of the gospel and what was done on the cross that my life can truly be transformed, from the inside out. and much of what i've done recently has been trying to change the outside first, hoping that the inside would follow. Jesus talks about this directly when He goes off against the Pharisees about their washing habits, saying that they clean the outside of cups while the inside is dirty. in the same way, i had been trying to change my behavior and the way i spent my time and the way my life and relationships looked, while all those things were powerless against what was really going on in my heart level.
i pray that i continue to be humbled, that i would really, truly seek after God's face and knowing Him more and more. i hate that i tend to compromise things and complicate things, that my pride is so easily fueled by the most meaningless things. and i pray that my standards of holiness would be Yours and not that of this world's. and that all of this is only for Your glory and that every eye is turned towards You and what You are doing, not me and not what i'm doing.
work has been good - i've been working as a web developer for a local company, building a website application for the past couple months. i'm surprised by how much i've learned - JavaScript (+ libraries like jQuery, extJS) and DOM elements, PHP, SQL, Ajax, CSS, small tricks here and there... it's been a lot of fun.
at the same time, i'm trying to get ready for what i am hoping/expecting to be my last year of school. i have just recently been thinking more extensively as to possible theses, and have been considering trying to take on a modified Google algorithm that could determine the maliciousness of websites and possibly be used to improve Internet filters. in a more broad sense, a modified Google algorithm that could take any list of website URLs and determine the top associated websites with those pages.
for instance, Internet porn is somewhat of a big deal. i have heard that some Internet filters basically rely on a list of websites that will be blocked no matter what. using a modified Google algorithm might be able to better and more accurately predict websites of malicious or pornographic content, given a pre-compiled list of pornographic websites. also by the nature of Google's famous Page Rank algorithm, which determines a page's value based on how it is linked by other sites, the pre-compiled list of pornographic sites, which often link to one another extensively, could possibly easily point to other sites of similar content.
anyways, besides that, i've been hitting back to Tulsa on a bunch of weekends, spending time with the youth group and getting psyched to hopefully play worship at a retreat in less than 2 months. and i can't believe that school will be starting in about a month. things with my girlfriend Suzi has been good, though it's been a little more difficult because we haven't really been able to see each other at all over the past month. but i'm excited for all of the things that God has put in her life, her involvement with her church and what she'll be able to work on this fall semester. i pray that God would really continue to move our relationship towards Him and that we would be sanctified by His blood, convicted to surrender more and more, to hold nothing back from His control.
at the same time, i'm excited for what i'll be able to do this upcoming semester, and wondering if anything might develop in terms of my own personal ministry. i'll have some direct opportunities over the next few weekends, and i guess we'll see if anything happens. hopefully will stay humbled, knowing what matters, and living with integrity.
i know that, for the longest time, i felt like God wasn't really teaching me anything. but recently, i think i actually have been being taught by Him, though it might not be a huge revelation. i feel like He's been showing me how it is only by the power of the gospel and what was done on the cross that my life can truly be transformed, from the inside out. and much of what i've done recently has been trying to change the outside first, hoping that the inside would follow. Jesus talks about this directly when He goes off against the Pharisees about their washing habits, saying that they clean the outside of cups while the inside is dirty. in the same way, i had been trying to change my behavior and the way i spent my time and the way my life and relationships looked, while all those things were powerless against what was really going on in my heart level.
i pray that i continue to be humbled, that i would really, truly seek after God's face and knowing Him more and more. i hate that i tend to compromise things and complicate things, that my pride is so easily fueled by the most meaningless things. and i pray that my standards of holiness would be Yours and not that of this world's. and that all of this is only for Your glory and that every eye is turned towards You and what You are doing, not me and not what i'm doing.
work has been good - i've been working as a web developer for a local company, building a website application for the past couple months. i'm surprised by how much i've learned - JavaScript (+ libraries like jQuery, extJS) and DOM elements, PHP, SQL, Ajax, CSS, small tricks here and there... it's been a lot of fun.
at the same time, i'm trying to get ready for what i am hoping/expecting to be my last year of school. i have just recently been thinking more extensively as to possible theses, and have been considering trying to take on a modified Google algorithm that could determine the maliciousness of websites and possibly be used to improve Internet filters. in a more broad sense, a modified Google algorithm that could take any list of website URLs and determine the top associated websites with those pages.
for instance, Internet porn is somewhat of a big deal. i have heard that some Internet filters basically rely on a list of websites that will be blocked no matter what. using a modified Google algorithm might be able to better and more accurately predict websites of malicious or pornographic content, given a pre-compiled list of pornographic websites. also by the nature of Google's famous Page Rank algorithm, which determines a page's value based on how it is linked by other sites, the pre-compiled list of pornographic sites, which often link to one another extensively, could possibly easily point to other sites of similar content.
anyways, besides that, i've been hitting back to Tulsa on a bunch of weekends, spending time with the youth group and getting psyched to hopefully play worship at a retreat in less than 2 months. and i can't believe that school will be starting in about a month. things with my girlfriend Suzi has been good, though it's been a little more difficult because we haven't really been able to see each other at all over the past month. but i'm excited for all of the things that God has put in her life, her involvement with her church and what she'll be able to work on this fall semester. i pray that God would really continue to move our relationship towards Him and that we would be sanctified by His blood, convicted to surrender more and more, to hold nothing back from His control.
at the same time, i'm excited for what i'll be able to do this upcoming semester, and wondering if anything might develop in terms of my own personal ministry. i'll have some direct opportunities over the next few weekends, and i guess we'll see if anything happens. hopefully will stay humbled, knowing what matters, and living with integrity.
Monday, June 07, 2010
take it all
Sometime in high school, i made the pivotal switch from Internet Explorer to Mozilla Firefox. Firefox had better security, multi-tabbed browsing, and a sleeker design, and who wouldn't want that? Now, years later, Firefox is still my browser of choice.
One feature that has developed with Firefox over the years is the inclusion of "plug-ins" that can be used to extend the regular functionality of Firefox. You can get add-ons for practically anything, to the point that Firefox boasts that you can "Choose from 5000 free extras ["add-ons"] to make your browser look and function the way you want." If you want to download YouTube videos or track Twitter accounts or even call for a taxi in Germany, you don't have to worry - just get the proper add-on!
And the reason I say this is because so often, we treat our lives the very same way. If we have a problem or some kind of desire, we simply reason that we just need to get an add-on to solve the problem. If I want to get into a prestigious college or get someone to like me or feel better about myself, I just need the right add-on.
I need extracurriculars and community service, I need to be funny or maybe look a certain way or have the right friends. I need to have some minimum amount of money in my bank account or a certain level of respect or to be desired by a certain number of people. And if I simply find the right add-on, I tend to assume that I will have everything that I need and I will finally be happy.
Why else would that Billionaire song be so popular? The lyrics read "I wanna be a billionaire so bad, buy all of the things I never had...I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine, smiling next to Oprah and the Queen." The singer goes on to say that he wants to see his "name in shining lights," have his own theme music everywhere he goes, and play basketball with the President (and dunk on his delegates). To be fair, the singer also says that he would give relief to New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, adopt babies like Angelina and Brad, and give money to everyone he loves so that they wouldn't be hungry.
But to be honest, when I hear that song, I don't think it's about the Katrina victims or the economy or how hard some people have it. And at the core of it, I don't think it's talking about the President or Oprah or the Queen either. It's really saying, "If I had this add-on, then I would be happy." If I could buy the things I never had before, if I was well known and desired and loved by enough people, if I gave enough money to the poor or did enough good things for humanity, then I would be happy.
And this begs the questions - will this approach to life work? Does it make people happy? Does it make people permanently happy?
Are you happy? More than that, are you satisfied?
---
In this search for the right add-on, we try fame and popularity and money, and religion is no different. We use religion as something we simply add-on to our lives, focused on our own desires and satisfying our own problems and ultimately simply getting what we want. So if it's necessary, then we'll use it, and if there are parts that aren't necessary, then we'll simply ignore or avoid it. Simply put, we'll take what we want to get what we want.
One feature that has developed with Firefox over the years is the inclusion of "plug-ins" that can be used to extend the regular functionality of Firefox. You can get add-ons for practically anything, to the point that Firefox boasts that you can "Choose from 5000 free extras ["add-ons"] to make your browser look and function the way you want." If you want to download YouTube videos or track Twitter accounts or even call for a taxi in Germany, you don't have to worry - just get the proper add-on!
And the reason I say this is because so often, we treat our lives the very same way. If we have a problem or some kind of desire, we simply reason that we just need to get an add-on to solve the problem. If I want to get into a prestigious college or get someone to like me or feel better about myself, I just need the right add-on.
I need extracurriculars and community service, I need to be funny or maybe look a certain way or have the right friends. I need to have some minimum amount of money in my bank account or a certain level of respect or to be desired by a certain number of people. And if I simply find the right add-on, I tend to assume that I will have everything that I need and I will finally be happy.
Why else would that Billionaire song be so popular? The lyrics read "I wanna be a billionaire so bad, buy all of the things I never had...I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine, smiling next to Oprah and the Queen." The singer goes on to say that he wants to see his "name in shining lights," have his own theme music everywhere he goes, and play basketball with the President (and dunk on his delegates). To be fair, the singer also says that he would give relief to New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, adopt babies like Angelina and Brad, and give money to everyone he loves so that they wouldn't be hungry.
But to be honest, when I hear that song, I don't think it's about the Katrina victims or the economy or how hard some people have it. And at the core of it, I don't think it's talking about the President or Oprah or the Queen either. It's really saying, "If I had this add-on, then I would be happy." If I could buy the things I never had before, if I was well known and desired and loved by enough people, if I gave enough money to the poor or did enough good things for humanity, then I would be happy.
And this begs the questions - will this approach to life work? Does it make people happy? Does it make people permanently happy?
Are you happy? More than that, are you satisfied?
---
In this search for the right add-on, we try fame and popularity and money, and religion is no different. We use religion as something we simply add-on to our lives, focused on our own desires and satisfying our own problems and ultimately simply getting what we want. So if it's necessary, then we'll use it, and if there are parts that aren't necessary, then we'll simply ignore or avoid it. Simply put, we'll take what we want to get what we want.
Friday, June 04, 2010
dear God
dear God,
i thank You and i love You. You've seen the deepest longings of my heart, God, dealt with me in times of complete ignorance, hypocrisy, selfishness. You've been patient and merciful and gracious, abounding and overflowing and forgiving in Your grace. i ask that You would make me small, but exalt Yourself. i ask that You would show me what really matters, God, and that i would only care and regard those things. i ask that You would give me a life worth living. You're the One who breaks me down and builds me up and tells me who i am and what i need to do and how i should live my life.
i'm weak. i feel the pressures of this world and this life, i feel the desperation and the indulgence of acceptance. my brain begins to lag under the weight and fatigue. still, You're the only One who sees me, and it's been like this for years. You call me as Your own, gently, to Your peace and to Your comfort and care. at the end of the day, You're the only One i want to see me. You're the One i want to hear, saying "it's okay. I've got you. I'm holding you."
may my heart be filled with Godly sorrow, with holy dissatisfaction and pursuit, with the awe of a righteous Judge, the fright of an omnipotent King. may i be humbled, for all these false securities and facades i put up are just waiting for me to let them fall down, to expose my own weakness and dependence on the Greater One. God, how unprepared i am, how small and little, how unable and incapable i am of greater things. i have no capacity to love, to come alive, to erupt in joy over joyous things. how helpless i am in my own filth, how completely undeserving, how completely wrong to think myself worthy or deserving of any great treasures, any precious riches.
but if You are jealous for me, surely that does change everything. surely that does make my heart beat, and suddenly my nakedness before You isn't such a bad thing after all. suddenly my desperation is turned to praise, beauty given for ashes. and this done on no intellectual grounds, no rational accomplishment. but You loved, and so we may love back. You approached and pursued, so let me be still-ed. and You qualified, so let me be unashamed.
i thank You and i love You. You've seen the deepest longings of my heart, God, dealt with me in times of complete ignorance, hypocrisy, selfishness. You've been patient and merciful and gracious, abounding and overflowing and forgiving in Your grace. i ask that You would make me small, but exalt Yourself. i ask that You would show me what really matters, God, and that i would only care and regard those things. i ask that You would give me a life worth living. You're the One who breaks me down and builds me up and tells me who i am and what i need to do and how i should live my life.
i'm weak. i feel the pressures of this world and this life, i feel the desperation and the indulgence of acceptance. my brain begins to lag under the weight and fatigue. still, You're the only One who sees me, and it's been like this for years. You call me as Your own, gently, to Your peace and to Your comfort and care. at the end of the day, You're the only One i want to see me. You're the One i want to hear, saying "it's okay. I've got you. I'm holding you."
may my heart be filled with Godly sorrow, with holy dissatisfaction and pursuit, with the awe of a righteous Judge, the fright of an omnipotent King. may i be humbled, for all these false securities and facades i put up are just waiting for me to let them fall down, to expose my own weakness and dependence on the Greater One. God, how unprepared i am, how small and little, how unable and incapable i am of greater things. i have no capacity to love, to come alive, to erupt in joy over joyous things. how helpless i am in my own filth, how completely undeserving, how completely wrong to think myself worthy or deserving of any great treasures, any precious riches.
but if You are jealous for me, surely that does change everything. surely that does make my heart beat, and suddenly my nakedness before You isn't such a bad thing after all. suddenly my desperation is turned to praise, beauty given for ashes. and this done on no intellectual grounds, no rational accomplishment. but You loved, and so we may love back. You approached and pursued, so let me be still-ed. and You qualified, so let me be unashamed.
Monday, May 24, 2010
nights like this
nights like this make me feel like a failure. makes me feel like i have no one to talk to, that it would only be harsh words coming from the people who actually mean a lot to me, the people i so deeply wish would affirm me. nights like this make me feel like i can't be real with anybody. make me frustrated that i seem to still be, at the end of the day, just me. and yet, make me feel like i've forgotten who i really am. make me feel like i don't know what i'm living for, why i'm living like this. makes me feel like i could do something big with my life, but i'm still just a little boy, needing someone to guide him through this world, needing to be shown what i'm supposed to do with all these feelings and emotional turmoil and what to do when you're good at something and what to do when you don't know what to do. makes me feel like i haven't felt something with my whole heart for the longest time. makes me feel like the biggest loser, the biggest orphan. like someone alone in the dark, slowly beginning to be consumed by darkness, by the very things i hate, and yet am not smart or disciplined or whatever enough to ignore.
nights like this make me feel like there's nothing good about me, like things will never change, like i'm beyond help, beyond real change. makes me feel tired, like it'll be a miracle to get through the day. makes me feel like i'm living a lie, that i wish things were so different, but i can't, and they're not.
nights like this make me feel like there's nothing good about me, like things will never change, like i'm beyond help, beyond real change. makes me feel tired, like it'll be a miracle to get through the day. makes me feel like i'm living a lie, that i wish things were so different, but i can't, and they're not.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
just so you know how i've been doin
this is pretty much an update post, so you know how i've been doing lately. things here in Norman have been a bit interesting.. i'm staying here for the summer to work full time, programming, for a company called K-20, which does educational video games for a bunch of schools throughout Oklahoma. when i first started, i was pretty pumped, because i had my own desk with two monitors and people would leave food out for anyone to eat. after a month and a half or so, the glamor has begun to fade - partly because no one seems to leave out free food - but maybe just because i feel unstable or inconfident about my own programming skills. i also typically hit a productivity wall after programming for about 3 hours, so i'm not sure how i'm going to be able to do 8 hour days this summer. late last night, i wondered whether i was truly happy programming - but if not programming, then what else would i do? i thought about just going to seminary.
but not everything in life is always glamor - a lot of it is hard work and discipline and something you do out of love. because you might not enjoy it, but it's undeniably worth it at the end of the day.
i won't be an RA next year - i recently signed a lease at an apartment complex close to campus, and i'll be living with a couple of guys from CRU - and admittedly pretty excited to be living in close Christian-guy proximity. i think it'll be really good for me. community will change you.
i've also had some breakthroughs in terms of Christian community - in that i've gotten a little closer to the guys in my small group, CRU itself, and even my local church. one Sunday morning, i was almost convinced that i wouldn't wake up in time for church - but for some reason, i woke up when my alarm went off, got changed and found a ride - and i did all of that in an unconscious daze before later waking up at church. turns out i actually wanted to go to church!
really trying to run more - i'm not sure exactly why. i seriously need a new pair of shoes, but i guess i'm just a bit lazy and stingy when it comes to spending real money on myself. there was a benefit run on May 1st for Haiti put on by my local church, but i won't be in town that weekend. things here are a bit crazy - i have the pleasure of having nearly all of my classes Wednesday/Thursday canceled because it's the 100th year anniversary of the college of engineering here at OU. and the even bigger pleasure of playing music at a 20-year reunion reception Thursday night with my friend Josiah (violinist) for real money. anyways, i hit 55 minutes today - and am planning on doing about 13 miles to Warren Theater in Moore before the year ends (which is somewhat of a big deal for me, but shouldn't be that out of my reach)
i guess i'm trying to run more because i want to make sure my life is more than just trying to survive. i want it to be more than just finish school, get a job, and let my job be my life. i don't know how involved in ministry i can be once i'm out of college - i guess i'd have to get really close to my local church, which i don't really feel right now (i'm admittedly picky for an Asian-American church, and i haven't really found one where i fit in here in Norman).
in terms of grades, i'm not sure how i'm doing. in some classes, i think i'm doing all right - and in other classes, there are so few grades that if i don't do well on the final, i might not even pass the class. some classes are annoying, and just recently - last week - i really began to feel like "i really don't want to be here." but my classes aren't bad... i'm taking cryptography, which is a whole bunch of number theory, and public speaking has actually been pretty entertaining.
in terms of ministry, i'm not really sure what to say. i meet up with a couple of guys every now and then, throughout the week, but nothing really seriously obviously ministry or evangelism. i'm really not sure what to say. being here in the Bible belt, i kind of feel like if i was going to start a ministry, i would have to do certain things, or else the ministry won't be sustained. like i need to have a bunch of social events and give away free stuff and find really creative ways to gain exposure... i don't know - and i don't think i'm good at any of that stuff. not exactly good at being social. but then, i'm not so sure how well i'm really walking with God.
um, anyways - that's pretty much how i'm doing. i'll be in norman for the summer, maybe take a couple of trips - to Arizona for a wedding and maybe to Dallas/Fort Worth for a Christian conference at the beginning of June. but that's pretty much it. i pray God really changes me for the better, that He has more in mind for me than i realize.
but not everything in life is always glamor - a lot of it is hard work and discipline and something you do out of love. because you might not enjoy it, but it's undeniably worth it at the end of the day.
i won't be an RA next year - i recently signed a lease at an apartment complex close to campus, and i'll be living with a couple of guys from CRU - and admittedly pretty excited to be living in close Christian-guy proximity. i think it'll be really good for me. community will change you.
i've also had some breakthroughs in terms of Christian community - in that i've gotten a little closer to the guys in my small group, CRU itself, and even my local church. one Sunday morning, i was almost convinced that i wouldn't wake up in time for church - but for some reason, i woke up when my alarm went off, got changed and found a ride - and i did all of that in an unconscious daze before later waking up at church. turns out i actually wanted to go to church!
really trying to run more - i'm not sure exactly why. i seriously need a new pair of shoes, but i guess i'm just a bit lazy and stingy when it comes to spending real money on myself. there was a benefit run on May 1st for Haiti put on by my local church, but i won't be in town that weekend. things here are a bit crazy - i have the pleasure of having nearly all of my classes Wednesday/Thursday canceled because it's the 100th year anniversary of the college of engineering here at OU. and the even bigger pleasure of playing music at a 20-year reunion reception Thursday night with my friend Josiah (violinist) for real money. anyways, i hit 55 minutes today - and am planning on doing about 13 miles to Warren Theater in Moore before the year ends (which is somewhat of a big deal for me, but shouldn't be that out of my reach)
i guess i'm trying to run more because i want to make sure my life is more than just trying to survive. i want it to be more than just finish school, get a job, and let my job be my life. i don't know how involved in ministry i can be once i'm out of college - i guess i'd have to get really close to my local church, which i don't really feel right now (i'm admittedly picky for an Asian-American church, and i haven't really found one where i fit in here in Norman).
in terms of grades, i'm not sure how i'm doing. in some classes, i think i'm doing all right - and in other classes, there are so few grades that if i don't do well on the final, i might not even pass the class. some classes are annoying, and just recently - last week - i really began to feel like "i really don't want to be here." but my classes aren't bad... i'm taking cryptography, which is a whole bunch of number theory, and public speaking has actually been pretty entertaining.
in terms of ministry, i'm not really sure what to say. i meet up with a couple of guys every now and then, throughout the week, but nothing really seriously obviously ministry or evangelism. i'm really not sure what to say. being here in the Bible belt, i kind of feel like if i was going to start a ministry, i would have to do certain things, or else the ministry won't be sustained. like i need to have a bunch of social events and give away free stuff and find really creative ways to gain exposure... i don't know - and i don't think i'm good at any of that stuff. not exactly good at being social. but then, i'm not so sure how well i'm really walking with God.
um, anyways - that's pretty much how i'm doing. i'll be in norman for the summer, maybe take a couple of trips - to Arizona for a wedding and maybe to Dallas/Fort Worth for a Christian conference at the beginning of June. but that's pretty much it. i pray God really changes me for the better, that He has more in mind for me than i realize.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
moody
i guess it's a late night and i just can't go to sleep.
spent 4 or 5 hours just to program about 130 lines of code for a website i'm trying to make for my friend's family's business, listening to music and sermons off and on about what Christ did on the cross. this post is titled Moody, simply because, if you read my last post, i guess things weren't going so well. i'm wondering if it's simply my tolerance of sin that i know is sin that seems to be sapping life and joy out of me. since joy is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, how can i expect to be truly joyful without any obedience or submission to the Spirit?
a couple of weeks ago, i had an exhilarating run, in which i really think i felt God. i hit more mileage than i intended to, locking into a pace that was almost comfortably uncomfortable. and it seemed that He laid out my life in front of my eyes, saying that as long as i followed Him, i really would have that fairy tale ending - that things really would be pure and beautiful and even more than i could ask for. in typing this up, i don't know how accurate this could be - well, God's primary motives aren't to let us be comfortable here, not to make us prosperous as if our happiness was the big picture. i guess it's part of the story, though - it's undeniably a fruit of the Spirit, something you get to enjoy along the way.
i've been kind of wondering what my life will become lately, if i will never stop working for Him. at times, i think that i couldn't really feel surrendered to Him or happy with a programming career. at other times, i think i could get so pumped programming and serving Him in this area - i think about programming for the government against injustice instead of inconvenience, so that i would actually be making a positive difference in the world. i don't know if i'm stressing, but i recently came up with a 10 year plan with Suzi, though a bit of a joke - and realized later that it was almost directly against Scripture that said not to exactly plan for the future like we had any control over it. but to take it a day at a time and letting God do what He wills. i hope He does do what He wills in and through me, because that would be so much better than what i have - which is nothing, besides confusion.
Jojo asked me about finances a couple of nights ago and i haven't been able to shake the questions since. how am i supposed to live? do i just play the rules of the world to make the money to support my family? do i have to? it's downright irresponsible to not make money and work hard... i guess the intent simply shouldn't be to make a lot of money so you can say "look at how great i am," but maybe it's fine to work hard even if you don't enjoy it because what it will mean for your family and their well being. maybe that's what sacrifice really means.
one thing i never realized was that Jesus became sin in our place. i used to always look back at my relationship with my dad and kinda try to blame things on him, saying that i don't know any better and i can't know any better because he was never there for me. but if Jesus took on our sin, that means we are offered His righteousness - it's like we take on who He was as He takes on who He was. so instead of having a father who i felt i couldn't confide in or really go to with anything - i actually have a father who would give me everything, anything, for my benefit - there's nothing that i'm missing. i actually am complete - so i don't really have any excuses, because Christ has literally taken all sin upon Himself.
and to be honest, i recently realized that i don't have a lot of friends, but i do have friends. and the few friends that i have are the quality that overrules any quantity. i really don't have much to complain about. there are people around me who would really support me and love on me, but i simply haven't been humble enough to allow them to be my brothers and sisters. being back in tulsa and just getting to hang with chance and jojo and jerry and vincent really is a great relief.
i pray God teaches me what it is like not to put on masks and pretend to be someone else. sometimes i do get pumped about Him, sometimes i just get tired or indifferent or simply lazy. sometimes, my ugliness is so obvious. i pray God teaches me what it means to come after Him like He is new, like He is who He says He is - to step away from all of my preconceived notions and my mental limitations and let Him be mighty to save, jealous in love, like a Lion to my sin and my excuses and yet like a Lamb as well. i pray God teaches me how to read His Word like i've never read it before. what it means to live to Him and not care what others say - to really see this life ultimately as an exchange between me and Him.
God, humble me. take away all of my vile thoughts of judgment and pride. take away all of the obstacles and stumbling blocks, that You would simply have all of me, and may it be a sweet, sweet sound to Your ears.
spent 4 or 5 hours just to program about 130 lines of code for a website i'm trying to make for my friend's family's business, listening to music and sermons off and on about what Christ did on the cross. this post is titled Moody, simply because, if you read my last post, i guess things weren't going so well. i'm wondering if it's simply my tolerance of sin that i know is sin that seems to be sapping life and joy out of me. since joy is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, how can i expect to be truly joyful without any obedience or submission to the Spirit?
a couple of weeks ago, i had an exhilarating run, in which i really think i felt God. i hit more mileage than i intended to, locking into a pace that was almost comfortably uncomfortable. and it seemed that He laid out my life in front of my eyes, saying that as long as i followed Him, i really would have that fairy tale ending - that things really would be pure and beautiful and even more than i could ask for. in typing this up, i don't know how accurate this could be - well, God's primary motives aren't to let us be comfortable here, not to make us prosperous as if our happiness was the big picture. i guess it's part of the story, though - it's undeniably a fruit of the Spirit, something you get to enjoy along the way.
i've been kind of wondering what my life will become lately, if i will never stop working for Him. at times, i think that i couldn't really feel surrendered to Him or happy with a programming career. at other times, i think i could get so pumped programming and serving Him in this area - i think about programming for the government against injustice instead of inconvenience, so that i would actually be making a positive difference in the world. i don't know if i'm stressing, but i recently came up with a 10 year plan with Suzi, though a bit of a joke - and realized later that it was almost directly against Scripture that said not to exactly plan for the future like we had any control over it. but to take it a day at a time and letting God do what He wills. i hope He does do what He wills in and through me, because that would be so much better than what i have - which is nothing, besides confusion.
Jojo asked me about finances a couple of nights ago and i haven't been able to shake the questions since. how am i supposed to live? do i just play the rules of the world to make the money to support my family? do i have to? it's downright irresponsible to not make money and work hard... i guess the intent simply shouldn't be to make a lot of money so you can say "look at how great i am," but maybe it's fine to work hard even if you don't enjoy it because what it will mean for your family and their well being. maybe that's what sacrifice really means.
one thing i never realized was that Jesus became sin in our place. i used to always look back at my relationship with my dad and kinda try to blame things on him, saying that i don't know any better and i can't know any better because he was never there for me. but if Jesus took on our sin, that means we are offered His righteousness - it's like we take on who He was as He takes on who He was. so instead of having a father who i felt i couldn't confide in or really go to with anything - i actually have a father who would give me everything, anything, for my benefit - there's nothing that i'm missing. i actually am complete - so i don't really have any excuses, because Christ has literally taken all sin upon Himself.
and to be honest, i recently realized that i don't have a lot of friends, but i do have friends. and the few friends that i have are the quality that overrules any quantity. i really don't have much to complain about. there are people around me who would really support me and love on me, but i simply haven't been humble enough to allow them to be my brothers and sisters. being back in tulsa and just getting to hang with chance and jojo and jerry and vincent really is a great relief.
i pray God teaches me what it is like not to put on masks and pretend to be someone else. sometimes i do get pumped about Him, sometimes i just get tired or indifferent or simply lazy. sometimes, my ugliness is so obvious. i pray God teaches me what it means to come after Him like He is new, like He is who He says He is - to step away from all of my preconceived notions and my mental limitations and let Him be mighty to save, jealous in love, like a Lion to my sin and my excuses and yet like a Lamb as well. i pray God teaches me how to read His Word like i've never read it before. what it means to live to Him and not care what others say - to really see this life ultimately as an exchange between me and Him.
God, humble me. take away all of my vile thoughts of judgment and pride. take away all of the obstacles and stumbling blocks, that You would simply have all of me, and may it be a sweet, sweet sound to Your ears.
Friday, March 19, 2010
what i hate to admit
where will honesty really get you in this world?
what i hate to admit is that my life doesn't really seem driven anymore. things just seem to lose shape, meaning. and it's hard to live life when you just aren't sure it matters, if you don't have a grasp of the bigger picture, that it's okay to go through all the things that you do, that it might even be normal. some people say that life is what you make it, and i guess that's true to an extent. but you can build your life on lies and rubbish and eventually watch it fall to pieces.
what i hate is that i guess i'm supposed to be an adult now. why the heck was i rushing through college? suddenly, i have to throw away my dreams because i have to give my money and my time and my career to that which will satisfy others. i have to stay in school for the next year because it's the thing that simply makes sense. i have to care about whether or not i have a large salary, because i'll have a family to take care of, not to mention my own family. it seems that everyone was paying attention when TI said that life was all about fancy clothes and cars and making sure everyone knows who you are. but i just don't want to care about affluence.
i don't care about a freaking degree, about social popularity, about the size of a paycheck. and someone will come up to me and say that i don't owe this to myself, but to everyone around me. my family and my teachers and my closest friends who put up with me, who were willing to invest in me to watch me do something with my life. and the truth is, maybe i'm not supposed to live in a nice house and try to work my way up the social ladder so that i'm a household name. maybe i'm supposed to be the most anonymous person here, and maybe then i can make a difference and do something i enjoy.
i'm really just talking. i just need this all to be more than trying to stay out of trouble - i need something bigger to live for, a bigger story, a bigger purpose and meaning. i know i run the risk of people seeing me talk like this, pointing fingers and looking down on me, saying "how far he fell." (at the same time, maybe no one will ever read this.) and all that criticism is just sucking the life out of me. i used to believe that i could do whatever i want - that if i just put my mind to cooking, i could do it - it's not that hard. or i could put my mind to automobile mechanics or petroleum engineering or a saxophone or whatever. i used to think i was special. but going nearly three years without friends that stuck it out to the end right there makes someone wonder who they really are.
what i hate to admit is that my life doesn't really seem driven anymore. things just seem to lose shape, meaning. and it's hard to live life when you just aren't sure it matters, if you don't have a grasp of the bigger picture, that it's okay to go through all the things that you do, that it might even be normal. some people say that life is what you make it, and i guess that's true to an extent. but you can build your life on lies and rubbish and eventually watch it fall to pieces.
what i hate is that i guess i'm supposed to be an adult now. why the heck was i rushing through college? suddenly, i have to throw away my dreams because i have to give my money and my time and my career to that which will satisfy others. i have to stay in school for the next year because it's the thing that simply makes sense. i have to care about whether or not i have a large salary, because i'll have a family to take care of, not to mention my own family. it seems that everyone was paying attention when TI said that life was all about fancy clothes and cars and making sure everyone knows who you are. but i just don't want to care about affluence.
i don't care about a freaking degree, about social popularity, about the size of a paycheck. and someone will come up to me and say that i don't owe this to myself, but to everyone around me. my family and my teachers and my closest friends who put up with me, who were willing to invest in me to watch me do something with my life. and the truth is, maybe i'm not supposed to live in a nice house and try to work my way up the social ladder so that i'm a household name. maybe i'm supposed to be the most anonymous person here, and maybe then i can make a difference and do something i enjoy.
i'm really just talking. i just need this all to be more than trying to stay out of trouble - i need something bigger to live for, a bigger story, a bigger purpose and meaning. i know i run the risk of people seeing me talk like this, pointing fingers and looking down on me, saying "how far he fell." (at the same time, maybe no one will ever read this.) and all that criticism is just sucking the life out of me. i used to believe that i could do whatever i want - that if i just put my mind to cooking, i could do it - it's not that hard. or i could put my mind to automobile mechanics or petroleum engineering or a saxophone or whatever. i used to think i was special. but going nearly three years without friends that stuck it out to the end right there makes someone wonder who they really are.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
give me words to speak, a life to live
dear God,
Your name be lifted high. to You, what man is righteous? what man can be considered awesome or perfect? God, surely not me. but how great it is to be in Your presence, to be blessed with the sensation of Your love and even Your chastening, to be Fathered by You. to have a close friend and a refuge in storms of all sorts, sound counsel and wisdom - You are my provision, an open heart and ear, a kind word, a soft voice. i'm glad that You aren't an obnoxious voice - for You don't need me for Your own strength, but yet You are wholly given to me.
God, I ask that You would turn my life around, make it all about You. i pray that, in everything, i remember that none of this has anything to do with me, that my righteousness is like a filthy rag. may only You be seen in me, for my glory is like a vapor, like a flower passing away.
---
back home in Tulsa for a couple of days, first time this semester (though i've been to dallas and Florida). it seems like it's been so long - but really, i guess it's only been a little more than two months. everything is good, i can't complain. i guess i'm just kinda hit with softness though. i want my life to be a testimony to Him, to be something He can be proud of, delight in, enjoy. may He have my all...
Your name be lifted high. to You, what man is righteous? what man can be considered awesome or perfect? God, surely not me. but how great it is to be in Your presence, to be blessed with the sensation of Your love and even Your chastening, to be Fathered by You. to have a close friend and a refuge in storms of all sorts, sound counsel and wisdom - You are my provision, an open heart and ear, a kind word, a soft voice. i'm glad that You aren't an obnoxious voice - for You don't need me for Your own strength, but yet You are wholly given to me.
God, I ask that You would turn my life around, make it all about You. i pray that, in everything, i remember that none of this has anything to do with me, that my righteousness is like a filthy rag. may only You be seen in me, for my glory is like a vapor, like a flower passing away.
---
back home in Tulsa for a couple of days, first time this semester (though i've been to dallas and Florida). it seems like it's been so long - but really, i guess it's only been a little more than two months. everything is good, i can't complain. i guess i'm just kinda hit with softness though. i want my life to be a testimony to Him, to be something He can be proud of, delight in, enjoy. may He have my all...
Monday, March 01, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
in hiding
dear God,
i hate this hiding. i hate my pretenses, my masks, my many faces and disguises and facades. i'm a chief sinner, a hypocrite. You know quite well that i'm dust, and only You know the full extent of my sin. God, take me from this lip service, from shallow worship, from circumstantial loyalty, from manipulative honesty derived from selfish motives.
why can't i just abandon my composure? i seem so blind, so stupid, so lost, so weak. the question was never if i was strong enough for God, but whether i was weak enough. and after years of His strengthening, i feel so foolish, that i have taken it for granted and couldn't care less at the offense of my sin, that it was my pride that put a perfect Man to the worst death.
i'm just stuck in sexual sin. i feel convicted at times, not at others. i'm still haunted by my past, by the fingers pointing by so many people i've hurt, even indirectly. i can't defend myself. my words are worthless. it's hard to believe i have a good heart after all of this. i feel so hardened now, so calloused.
where are You, God?
did You not say that nothing could ever keep Your love from touching me? and is not Your touch in my life according to promise, by grace and by faith, and not by works, not by the law, not by anything i could ever do, no matter how right or wrong i could ever be. is there mercy still for me? because You're the only One who will give it, after the extent of my wrongdoings is revealed. what a wretch, but how good are You.
i don't see why i can't just back up and say what a jerk i've been and just stay away from my sin. i have absolutely no power against my sin. and yet, i have what seems like absolutely no dependence upon Him to provide. do i even want to change? do i even want to die to this sin, after reading that i'm enslaved to it, that i live in darkness, that i have no freedom of my own as long as i'm under this and the law?
how married i've become to this world, to this view of my own self image... how greatly i've hurt everyone around me. i know an eternity of apologies would never heal the wrongs i've already committed, the wrongs i will helplessly and inevitably commit.
i feel as if i'm not moving forward, that i haven't moved forward for the longest time. i have certain things, on the outside, that point to some sort of success, but it's all just a joke. it's all just smoke and mirrors, just pretend. i don't know if i wanted it to come off that way. really, on the inside, i'm so careless, so lazy, so ignorant. i'm not spiritually minded. i'm not after glorifying God. i'm not after keeping His commandments and showing Him to everyone i see. and yet, God, how deeply i cling to You.
You're the only One who will ever change me, who won't give up on me, who will be like my real Father. You're the only One who will ever make a difference, who even has my own desires in mind and wants to see me happy and blessed. You're the only One who's been with me through all of my crap, through all of my struggles and mistakes and blatant disobedience. and are you still there, saying, "neither do I condemn you. go and sin no more"? are you still there approaching me like a dirty woman at a well, saying, "you're not so bad, you're just thirsty"?
or am i that young rich ruler that left You sad when You said to give everything and to follow after You? am i that soil that gets choked up by the cares of this world? am i the one who did all sorts of things in Your name, who You will tell "get away from Me. I don't know you"
how deeply i long that You will not say those things. how deeply i long that You are just, but also that You're so merciful, abounding in mercy and grace and love. i know i'm such a wretch, but You're good, right?
God, but i can't even say that i will follow You. i know that, in my heart, i am less than seconds from falling into disrepair, and i am less than moments from turning that into action. am i so blind? God, don't give up on me! don't leave me in my mess! are You not a faithful God, even when i am faithless?
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
it'd be better to be broken
it'd be better to be broken...
just a week ago, my world was falling apart, i had actually bawled on a number of occasions. and so, in walking to class, in falling asleep, in and out of worship sessions, i couldn't cease from crying out. i could identify with the psalmist that my soul clings to the dust, that i'm a vapor at best - i couldn't get away from my sin. and while that probably shouldn't be exactly the way it is, i cried out in desperation and ugliness and need, because it was so clear i couldn't get past the day without Him and that i couldn't do anything good without Him.
i guess the guilt goes away and it's easy to step back into a rut. it's funny that in the moments that we should be the most content, we find ourselves still living as if we were looking for a reason to live. there was a talent show tonight and i began to realize that it's not that anyone in that room was even talented to begin with. nobody in there was talented - we were all just blessed. and we were blessed in that way. just because i was up there doing something wasn't any kind of indication of anything - it wasn't even showing off. it should have simply been natural, because it was blessing.
1 corinthians says that everything we have, we've been given - and just as we entered this world with nothing, we won't be able to take anything with us after death - so then why do we live the way we do, acting as if we somehow earned what we now have? and acting as if the things that we do have, material possessions or talents, are ours to show off and brag about?
i guess that's just a side note. but, truthfully, i guess i'm just bummed that things are great now and i have so much to praise God for, and yet i don't seem to feel Him and so i don't praise Him with the enthusiasm i am compelled to give. i think it would simply be better to be broken, for everything to be in chaos.
i once heard of a group of missionaries who had been imprisoned in Afghanistan or Iraq for a while, with their captors threatening their death. after a while, they were freed and returned back home. some time later, one of the missionaries ran into another of the ones held captive and said, "don't you wish we were still there?"
just a week ago, my world was falling apart, i had actually bawled on a number of occasions. and so, in walking to class, in falling asleep, in and out of worship sessions, i couldn't cease from crying out. i could identify with the psalmist that my soul clings to the dust, that i'm a vapor at best - i couldn't get away from my sin. and while that probably shouldn't be exactly the way it is, i cried out in desperation and ugliness and need, because it was so clear i couldn't get past the day without Him and that i couldn't do anything good without Him.
i guess the guilt goes away and it's easy to step back into a rut. it's funny that in the moments that we should be the most content, we find ourselves still living as if we were looking for a reason to live. there was a talent show tonight and i began to realize that it's not that anyone in that room was even talented to begin with. nobody in there was talented - we were all just blessed. and we were blessed in that way. just because i was up there doing something wasn't any kind of indication of anything - it wasn't even showing off. it should have simply been natural, because it was blessing.
1 corinthians says that everything we have, we've been given - and just as we entered this world with nothing, we won't be able to take anything with us after death - so then why do we live the way we do, acting as if we somehow earned what we now have? and acting as if the things that we do have, material possessions or talents, are ours to show off and brag about?
i guess that's just a side note. but, truthfully, i guess i'm just bummed that things are great now and i have so much to praise God for, and yet i don't seem to feel Him and so i don't praise Him with the enthusiasm i am compelled to give. i think it would simply be better to be broken, for everything to be in chaos.
i once heard of a group of missionaries who had been imprisoned in Afghanistan or Iraq for a while, with their captors threatening their death. after a while, they were freed and returned back home. some time later, one of the missionaries ran into another of the ones held captive and said, "don't you wish we were still there?"
Friday, February 05, 2010
sick
i'm sick of pretending like i'm really not dying inside, that there aren't times when it hurts so much that i wish a car would hit me or someone would shoot me. maybe then, she would care. maybe then, she would consider where my heart is really at.
i don't want to go to EPIC conference. i don't want to go to classes, i don't want to go to Tulsa or stay here... i just need somewhere to be, where none of this will follow me, haunt me.
i don't want to go to EPIC conference. i don't want to go to classes, i don't want to go to Tulsa or stay here... i just need somewhere to be, where none of this will follow me, haunt me.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
is this perfect?
in discouragement, i'm beginning to wonder if i am somehow in the perfect situation for God to use me in the Asian American community here at OU. i've already given up multiple times, made friends and lost them, formed leadership and lost it - in fact, i've fallen apart in my faith on an all-too-frequent basis and no one claim that i have any righteousness of my own. i feel like i only have one more real year on this campus and it seems my two hugest fans (the Asian American student life director and the old CRU director) left within a year of pursuing EPIC. additionally, i am in no way a real part of the Asian American community - and while that will probably be necessary, wouldn't it be outrageously cool and even Biblically consistent if it was really the weak outcast that was used to make a difference for the glory of God.
if this really ends up happening, no one will even remember my name. but there will be a difference that is undeniable. and so, i ask, is this perfect?
may i be transformed from the inside out, believing and trusting God in faith that He can do absolutely whatever He wills through me in any duration of time He wants, in any way He delights, and through whoever He wishes to involve. may my love be from Him and may my first steps be to do the dirty, menial work i so despise. to sweep away at the cobwebs of broken relationships, to initiate on the people i think will never change, to pray and be moved for those who could even talk behind my back. and may His name be lifted high because my life really is just a breath... i gotta do something with this quick breath. and by His grace and glory and favor, maybe it will happen.
if this really ends up happening, no one will even remember my name. but there will be a difference that is undeniable. and so, i ask, is this perfect?
may i be transformed from the inside out, believing and trusting God in faith that He can do absolutely whatever He wills through me in any duration of time He wants, in any way He delights, and through whoever He wishes to involve. may my love be from Him and may my first steps be to do the dirty, menial work i so despise. to sweep away at the cobwebs of broken relationships, to initiate on the people i think will never change, to pray and be moved for those who could even talk behind my back. and may His name be lifted high because my life really is just a breath... i gotta do something with this quick breath. and by His grace and glory and favor, maybe it will happen.
notes on John 8:1-11
some things i note from the passage (help from http://www.biblegateway.com/resources/commentaries/IVP-NT/John/Jesus-Forgives-Woman-Taken):
- the woman was caught in the very act of adultery, but the man was supposedly not held accountable - what was the penalty or the law for the man who she had been caught with? from Lev 20:10 and Deut 22:22-24, the man should also have died. she seems to have been simply a pawn being used to try to frame Jesus - her actual life was not important to the Pharisees or scribes
- the Pharisees and scribes were apparently trying to trap Him so that they would have something to accuse Him with. if Jesus sided with the law and said the woman deserved to be stoned, His forgiveness and compassion would have been undermined. if He had not sided with the law, the Jewish people would not follow Him (His credibility would have been ruined)
- the Pharisees and scribes allude to the law of Moses, which was written by the finger of God (originally, or second?)
- after being questioned, Jesus also goes down to the ground to write with His finger, as if He is not necessarily rewriting the law (for it is fulfilled in Him), but He is showing that He has authority - He was the one who wrote and gave it in the very first place. His authority is later highlighted in that He is the only one left with the woman caught in adultery - He is the only one who has the right to condemn her
- Jesus says that anyone who is without sin can throw a stone at her. not only does no one throw a stone, but everyone turns to leave. it would have been understandable that no one threw a stone, but the fact that everybody left? it might have so cut to the hearts of the crowd that they were forced to look inwards, knowing that they were in no way different from this woman caught in adultery
- Jesus is left alone with the woman, just as we ourselves will appear before Him, face to face and one on One. all of other accusers will have nothing on us, for our sin is ultimately against God alone (Ps 51). Jesus then does not condemn her, but makes a point of commanding her to sin no more. Is this command to consciously sin no longer, as in a direct reference to her adultery?
Saturday, January 02, 2010
God, would You take this undeserving heart and make me to lie down in green pastures? that in the midst of all of this turmoil and hype, chaos and confusion, You would hedge me in, speak slowly and still, calm me down, that i may see Your provision, that i'm still surrounded by Your love, that You are still committed to finishing the work You began in me.
would You transform me from the inside out, take my heart that is so prone to wandering, so quick to anger and quick to speak, and change everything. throw out what doesn't belong, the trash in my life i ironically adore, the rubbish i center my life around. please clean me up, create for me a new heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
it's a new year, but my sin stays the same, my battles refuse to let up. God, how You would work in and around me if i finally put away my idols from me and rested my attention on You. how You would transform and renew if i truly responded to Your call, to serve another in love, to follow Your commandments with a reckless, selfless abandon, even if i don't seem to understand, even if i don't even feel the guilt i supposedly should. make me like a son, i plead. Abba, Father.
amplify and magnify. may my faith be established, may obedience and diligence and longsuffering be before You. for You paid the price, You Yourself set me free and destroyed the law, nailing it to the cross. i've been set free, for You were the One who was bruised for my transgressions, spit on and ridiculed for my sake. how then, could i possibly say i don't owe You anything? how could i possibly reason or ignore Your sacrifice to say i can do whatever i want - i'm not even my own.
God, according to Your lovingkindness, according to the multitude of Your tender mercies, according to what You've done, have Your way in me. not that i have anything of any worth, not that i have done things the right way, not that i've even followed with diligence the law. not that i have anything that could compare to Your love, not that anything in this world is anything aside from You. let me forsake this world, to run from it with joy and endurance and understanding - that One has come who is mighty to save, a Savior by nature, a Lover and Redeemer, Deliverer and Defender. not to tip toe the line of grace, but to run as far and as hard as i can away from this world, the law, the things that have enslaved me.
may You have all of me. and though my heart is so prone to wander, Lord, keep it here with You. You are my Lord, the Lord of Lords, a sovereign King, a passionate Lover, a selfless Friend. You are greater and bigger, You're there when i'm not. You're faithful when i'm not. You're loving when i'm not.
would You transform me from the inside out, take my heart that is so prone to wandering, so quick to anger and quick to speak, and change everything. throw out what doesn't belong, the trash in my life i ironically adore, the rubbish i center my life around. please clean me up, create for me a new heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
it's a new year, but my sin stays the same, my battles refuse to let up. God, how You would work in and around me if i finally put away my idols from me and rested my attention on You. how You would transform and renew if i truly responded to Your call, to serve another in love, to follow Your commandments with a reckless, selfless abandon, even if i don't seem to understand, even if i don't even feel the guilt i supposedly should. make me like a son, i plead. Abba, Father.
amplify and magnify. may my faith be established, may obedience and diligence and longsuffering be before You. for You paid the price, You Yourself set me free and destroyed the law, nailing it to the cross. i've been set free, for You were the One who was bruised for my transgressions, spit on and ridiculed for my sake. how then, could i possibly say i don't owe You anything? how could i possibly reason or ignore Your sacrifice to say i can do whatever i want - i'm not even my own.
God, according to Your lovingkindness, according to the multitude of Your tender mercies, according to what You've done, have Your way in me. not that i have anything of any worth, not that i have done things the right way, not that i've even followed with diligence the law. not that i have anything that could compare to Your love, not that anything in this world is anything aside from You. let me forsake this world, to run from it with joy and endurance and understanding - that One has come who is mighty to save, a Savior by nature, a Lover and Redeemer, Deliverer and Defender. not to tip toe the line of grace, but to run as far and as hard as i can away from this world, the law, the things that have enslaved me.
may You have all of me. and though my heart is so prone to wander, Lord, keep it here with You. You are my Lord, the Lord of Lords, a sovereign King, a passionate Lover, a selfless Friend. You are greater and bigger, You're there when i'm not. You're faithful when i'm not. You're loving when i'm not.
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