i hate this hiding. i hate my pretenses, my masks, my many faces and disguises and facades. i'm a chief sinner, a hypocrite. You know quite well that i'm dust, and only You know the full extent of my sin. God, take me from this lip service, from shallow worship, from circumstantial loyalty, from manipulative honesty derived from selfish motives.
why can't i just abandon my composure? i seem so blind, so stupid, so lost, so weak. the question was never if i was strong enough for God, but whether i was weak enough. and after years of His strengthening, i feel so foolish, that i have taken it for granted and couldn't care less at the offense of my sin, that it was my pride that put a perfect Man to the worst death.
i'm just stuck in sexual sin. i feel convicted at times, not at others. i'm still haunted by my past, by the fingers pointing by so many people i've hurt, even indirectly. i can't defend myself. my words are worthless. it's hard to believe i have a good heart after all of this. i feel so hardened now, so calloused.
where are You, God?
did You not say that nothing could ever keep Your love from touching me? and is not Your touch in my life according to promise, by grace and by faith, and not by works, not by the law, not by anything i could ever do, no matter how right or wrong i could ever be. is there mercy still for me? because You're the only One who will give it, after the extent of my wrongdoings is revealed. what a wretch, but how good are You.
i don't see why i can't just back up and say what a jerk i've been and just stay away from my sin. i have absolutely no power against my sin. and yet, i have what seems like absolutely no dependence upon Him to provide. do i even want to change? do i even want to die to this sin, after reading that i'm enslaved to it, that i live in darkness, that i have no freedom of my own as long as i'm under this and the law?
how married i've become to this world, to this view of my own self image... how greatly i've hurt everyone around me. i know an eternity of apologies would never heal the wrongs i've already committed, the wrongs i will helplessly and inevitably commit.
i feel as if i'm not moving forward, that i haven't moved forward for the longest time. i have certain things, on the outside, that point to some sort of success, but it's all just a joke. it's all just smoke and mirrors, just pretend. i don't know if i wanted it to come off that way. really, on the inside, i'm so careless, so lazy, so ignorant. i'm not spiritually minded. i'm not after glorifying God. i'm not after keeping His commandments and showing Him to everyone i see. and yet, God, how deeply i cling to You.
You're the only One who will ever change me, who won't give up on me, who will be like my real Father. You're the only One who will ever make a difference, who even has my own desires in mind and wants to see me happy and blessed. You're the only One who's been with me through all of my crap, through all of my struggles and mistakes and blatant disobedience. and are you still there, saying, "neither do I condemn you. go and sin no more"? are you still there approaching me like a dirty woman at a well, saying, "you're not so bad, you're just thirsty"?
or am i that young rich ruler that left You sad when You said to give everything and to follow after You? am i that soil that gets choked up by the cares of this world? am i the one who did all sorts of things in Your name, who You will tell "get away from Me. I don't know you"
how deeply i long that You will not say those things. how deeply i long that You are just, but also that You're so merciful, abounding in mercy and grace and love. i know i'm such a wretch, but You're good, right?
God, but i can't even say that i will follow You. i know that, in my heart, i am less than seconds from falling into disrepair, and i am less than moments from turning that into action. am i so blind? God, don't give up on me! don't leave me in my mess! are You not a faithful God, even when i am faithless?
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