moody

i guess it's a late night and i just can't go to sleep.

spent 4 or 5 hours just to program about 130 lines of code for a website i'm trying to make for my friend's family's business, listening to music and sermons off and on about what Christ did on the cross. this post is titled Moody, simply because, if you read my last post, i guess things weren't going so well. i'm wondering if it's simply my tolerance of sin that i know is sin that seems to be sapping life and joy out of me. since joy is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, how can i expect to be truly joyful without any obedience or submission to the Spirit?

a couple of weeks ago, i had an exhilarating run, in which i really think i felt God. i hit more mileage than i intended to, locking into a pace that was almost comfortably uncomfortable. and it seemed that He laid out my life in front of my eyes, saying that as long as i followed Him, i really would have that fairy tale ending - that things really would be pure and beautiful and even more than i could ask for. in typing this up, i don't know how accurate this could be - well, God's primary motives aren't to let us be comfortable here, not to make us prosperous as if our happiness was the big picture. i guess it's part of the story, though - it's undeniably a fruit of the Spirit, something you get to enjoy along the way.

i've been kind of wondering what my life will become lately, if i will never stop working for Him. at times, i think that i couldn't really feel surrendered to Him or happy with a programming career. at other times, i think i could get so pumped programming and serving Him in this area - i think about programming for the government against injustice instead of inconvenience, so that i would actually be making a positive difference in the world. i don't know if i'm stressing, but i recently came up with a 10 year plan with Suzi, though a bit of a joke - and realized later that it was almost directly against Scripture that said not to exactly plan for the future like we had any control over it. but to take it a day at a time and letting God do what He wills. i hope He does do what He wills in and through me, because that would be so much better than what i have - which is nothing, besides confusion.

Jojo asked me about finances a couple of nights ago and i haven't been able to shake the questions since. how am i supposed to live? do i just play the rules of the world to make the money to support my family? do i have to? it's downright irresponsible to not make money and work hard... i guess the intent simply shouldn't be to make a lot of money so you can say "look at how great i am," but maybe it's fine to work hard even if you don't enjoy it because what it will mean for your family and their well being. maybe that's what sacrifice really means.

one thing i never realized was that Jesus became sin in our place. i used to always look back at my relationship with my dad and kinda try to blame things on him, saying that i don't know any better and i can't know any better because he was never there for me. but if Jesus took on our sin, that means we are offered His righteousness - it's like we take on who He was as He takes on who He was. so instead of having a father who i felt i couldn't confide in or really go to with anything - i actually have a father who would give me everything, anything, for my benefit - there's nothing that i'm missing. i actually am complete - so i don't really have any excuses, because Christ has literally taken all sin upon Himself.

and to be honest, i recently realized that i don't have a lot of friends, but i do have friends. and the few friends that i have are the quality that overrules any quantity. i really don't have much to complain about. there are people around me who would really support me and love on me, but i simply haven't been humble enough to allow them to be my brothers and sisters. being back in tulsa and just getting to hang with chance and jojo and jerry and vincent really is a great relief.

i pray God teaches me what it is like not to put on masks and pretend to be someone else. sometimes i do get pumped about Him, sometimes i just get tired or indifferent or simply lazy. sometimes, my ugliness is so obvious. i pray God teaches me what it means to come after Him like He is new, like He is who He says He is - to step away from all of my preconceived notions and my mental limitations and let Him be mighty to save, jealous in love, like a Lion to my sin and my excuses and yet like a Lamb as well. i pray God teaches me how to read His Word like i've never read it before. what it means to live to Him and not care what others say - to really see this life ultimately as an exchange between me and Him.

God, humble me. take away all of my vile thoughts of judgment and pride. take away all of the obstacles and stumbling blocks, that You would simply have all of me, and may it be a sweet, sweet sound to Your ears.