what i hate to admit

where will honesty really get you in this world?

what i hate to admit is that my life doesn't really seem driven anymore. things just seem to lose shape, meaning. and it's hard to live life when you just aren't sure it matters, if you don't have a grasp of the bigger picture, that it's okay to go through all the things that you do, that it might even be normal. some people say that life is what you make it, and i guess that's true to an extent. but you can build your life on lies and rubbish and eventually watch it fall to pieces.

what i hate is that i guess i'm supposed to be an adult now. why the heck was i rushing through college? suddenly, i have to throw away my dreams because i have to give my money and my time and my career to that which will satisfy others. i have to stay in school for the next year because it's the thing that simply makes sense. i have to care about whether or not i have a large salary, because i'll have a family to take care of, not to mention my own family. it seems that everyone was paying attention when TI said that life was all about fancy clothes and cars and making sure everyone knows who you are. but i just don't want to care about affluence.

i don't care about a freaking degree, about social popularity, about the size of a paycheck. and someone will come up to me and say that i don't owe this to myself, but to everyone around me. my family and my teachers and my closest friends who put up with me, who were willing to invest in me to watch me do something with my life. and the truth is, maybe i'm not supposed to live in a nice house and try to work my way up the social ladder so that i'm a household name. maybe i'm supposed to be the most anonymous person here, and maybe then i can make a difference and do something i enjoy.

i'm really just talking. i just need this all to be more than trying to stay out of trouble - i need something bigger to live for, a bigger story, a bigger purpose and meaning. i know i run the risk of people seeing me talk like this, pointing fingers and looking down on me, saying "how far he fell." (at the same time, maybe no one will ever read this.) and all that criticism is just sucking the life out of me. i used to believe that i could do whatever i want - that if i just put my mind to cooking, i could do it - it's not that hard. or i could put my mind to automobile mechanics or petroleum engineering or a saxophone or whatever. i used to think i was special. but going nearly three years without friends that stuck it out to the end right there makes someone wonder who they really are.