today was all about worship, that's all we did today in the English service. and what was weird, was that, once i had really gotten into it and everybody else had, i found myself saying "this is God, this is who God is" over and over again. i looked around at the room and the hands going up, i looked at mike and lisa playing and singing and i saw Richard in a corner with his eyes closed and just praising and i saw Jerry doing the same and i saw Jojo on his knees beside me and i saw Billy praying with Leo, and i saw the girls standing with their hands up, and i saw all sorts of things like this...and i couldn't stop thinking "this is God. this is what our God does, this is who we serve."
because i look around the room and it's more than just people i see, it's what's going on. i see the change that is happening, i see the brokenness that is healing, i see the lives that are being renewed, being brought to actual life. i see the excitement that is happening, the truth that is being revealed, the sensation of things coming together and beginning to make sense, the fire of a Lord that doesn't come to steal or to kill, but to bring all of us life, true life. i see people starting to lose control, people starting to give everything away to God, whose very character is that He is right, that He knows what's going on.
and so...this is our God. One who came to liberate, one who sets on fire the lives of His children, who is leading us back to Him, who is getting us excited about life, who even just flat out brings us life. and that is what is so exciting, because today is a day people won't forget. today's the day people got a glimpse of heaven, they got a glimpse of what all of the God hype is all about - that it's real. you can feel it in the air, you can feel the hope, you can feel the love. you can feel that there's more going on than just us, there's more happening than simply a bunch of people gathered together doing something called church. you can tell lives are being changed, that there is something significant happening.
and... it's all amazing. the next big thought was "Don't let anybody miss out." because... i hope no one has to miss out. i hope no one is stuck thinking everything sucks, that there is no hope. i hope everyone gets to know what it feels like to know who God really is, that life isn't supposed to be about always trying to get better at the things you are doing, it's about finding out who God is. because, if everyone just knew what God sees in them, everything would change. to know that there is someone who died for them. there is someone who said He would never leave them, someone who said I love you. so many have never heard it, have never felt it. they've never known that they could mean so much to somebody. but we have a God who died for us, this is our God.
i started praying for people. it was great. sometimes worship feels like ecstacy - a lot of crying and whatnot, but today it wasn't like that. today it was... honest seeking. true acknowledgement that God is our everything, that God deserves all of us, that God is our only answer. no more expectations of what things should be, no more compromise with sin, no more limit to how much we choose to give to God, it was just God showing up. and He showed up...
i started thinking about this song once we had finished worship; it's called This is Our God, by Chris Tomiln
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
knowing who God is
this past week was killer, and as i reflect... today was a good day. because every day in this past week had the serious potential to stink, and some of the those days did happen to stink, but today was still a good day.
i think that these two things are pretty important... knowing who you are and knowing who God is.
i got to talking to Billy and it reminded me of reading this Donald Miller book (Searching for God Knows What) that said if we could really understand how much God loves us, then we wouldn't do half the things we do. it would completely change the way we live our lives, because no longer would we be motivated by getting better grades or looking better or trying to get social or financial security or any of these things. we wouldn't act out for attention and we wouldn't get into drugs or sex or smoking for the temporary satisfaction. if we really had a good idea of who God was, a true idea on who He is, then we wouldn't hold anything back. we would stop caring what other people think and letting them run our lives and we would stop investing ourselves into things that will pass away with time, because we would know that God, the Creator of the Universe, who ultimately brings things to life and death, loves us.
if you look at the world, or at people, to try to figure who God is, i don't think you'll end up with a very accurate picture in your head. it is mostly based on what the churches have done, what your pastor is saying, how other people act, who ends up in the White House, etc. if all you ever do is listen to people tell you who God is, i think you end up thinking that God is a destructive or corrupting political party, a scapegoat, an excuse, a cheesy philosophy like all the others (a relative truth), a reason for holidays, a tradition, someone who doesn't exist or play a role in our lives, someone who is long past dead, someone who wasn't even Jesus, someone who wants to squish us all like bugs. and truthfully, when i think about this kind of God, i want absolutely nothing to do with Christianity.
i went to Bell's Amusement Park a while ago and saw someone wearing a t-shirt that said "Fuck you, Jesus loves me" and i don't want to serve this kind of Jesus. i see bumper stickers that say "Real men love God" and i don't want to have to be serving some kind of god just so i can call myself a real man. i've talked to pastors and evangelists who only tell people that they are going to hell if they don't believe, and i don't want to serve this kind of god who i believe only out of fear. i see what some people do in the name of God, a lot of it having to do with killing and stealing and whatnot, and i don't want to be a part of that kind of religion.
but i think who God really is... is someone who loves. someone who gave it all away so that He would be able to know us, someone who doesn't care who we are, because He chooses to love unconditionally. someone who is perfect, who is just, who is eternal and doesn't change, our Creator. our Father and our King, and yet He gave it all away so that He would be able to see us come to Him. someone whose image we were created in, someone who is leading us to Him, someone who knows what is right for us, who is setting us up for something as beautiful as heaven.
and yes, i do believe that He is Jesus...i think that's necessary. i guess it doesn't make all that much sense, but i think it was entirely necessary. if we are deserving of death because of what we've done, then we'd either have to suffer on with this death, or somehow be redeemed, somehow saved from the death. something would have to take our spot. and the only thing that could take our spot, i think, is God, because He is the only one that is perfect and blameless, the only one who loves us enough to do it. anything else sacrificed wouldn't have been good enough to save us. it would have eventually screwed up and done something wrong or it would not have lasted forever.
1 Corinthians 7 says to "eagerly wait for the revelation of our Lord Jesus Christ," and i think that this makes sense. we can't simply be looking at things like church or culture or media to be able to really understand who God is. we have to have the revelation - in other words, this bit of truth has to be revealed to us from God Himself. That's another essential part of His character - He reaches down to us, He communicates and shows Himself to us.
so, to wrap things up, i think if we truly knew who God is and how much He loves us, we would stop at nothing to get to Him, to love Him back, to feel His arms wrapped around us like He's been wanting to do all along. but to really know God, we have to be looking to Him to figure out who He is, we have to find out for ourselves. hearing about something like love is never the same as actually experiencing it, just like reading about basketball strategy your whole life won't make you good at basketball. we have to actually turn to God and interact with Him to figure out who He is, or else we will sorta be stuck with this political party, scapegoat excuse, corrupting, limited God.
i think that these two things are pretty important... knowing who you are and knowing who God is.
i got to talking to Billy and it reminded me of reading this Donald Miller book (Searching for God Knows What) that said if we could really understand how much God loves us, then we wouldn't do half the things we do. it would completely change the way we live our lives, because no longer would we be motivated by getting better grades or looking better or trying to get social or financial security or any of these things. we wouldn't act out for attention and we wouldn't get into drugs or sex or smoking for the temporary satisfaction. if we really had a good idea of who God was, a true idea on who He is, then we wouldn't hold anything back. we would stop caring what other people think and letting them run our lives and we would stop investing ourselves into things that will pass away with time, because we would know that God, the Creator of the Universe, who ultimately brings things to life and death, loves us.
if you look at the world, or at people, to try to figure who God is, i don't think you'll end up with a very accurate picture in your head. it is mostly based on what the churches have done, what your pastor is saying, how other people act, who ends up in the White House, etc. if all you ever do is listen to people tell you who God is, i think you end up thinking that God is a destructive or corrupting political party, a scapegoat, an excuse, a cheesy philosophy like all the others (a relative truth), a reason for holidays, a tradition, someone who doesn't exist or play a role in our lives, someone who is long past dead, someone who wasn't even Jesus, someone who wants to squish us all like bugs. and truthfully, when i think about this kind of God, i want absolutely nothing to do with Christianity.
i went to Bell's Amusement Park a while ago and saw someone wearing a t-shirt that said "Fuck you, Jesus loves me" and i don't want to serve this kind of Jesus. i see bumper stickers that say "Real men love God" and i don't want to have to be serving some kind of god just so i can call myself a real man. i've talked to pastors and evangelists who only tell people that they are going to hell if they don't believe, and i don't want to serve this kind of god who i believe only out of fear. i see what some people do in the name of God, a lot of it having to do with killing and stealing and whatnot, and i don't want to be a part of that kind of religion.
but i think who God really is... is someone who loves. someone who gave it all away so that He would be able to know us, someone who doesn't care who we are, because He chooses to love unconditionally. someone who is perfect, who is just, who is eternal and doesn't change, our Creator. our Father and our King, and yet He gave it all away so that He would be able to see us come to Him. someone whose image we were created in, someone who is leading us to Him, someone who knows what is right for us, who is setting us up for something as beautiful as heaven.
and yes, i do believe that He is Jesus...i think that's necessary. i guess it doesn't make all that much sense, but i think it was entirely necessary. if we are deserving of death because of what we've done, then we'd either have to suffer on with this death, or somehow be redeemed, somehow saved from the death. something would have to take our spot. and the only thing that could take our spot, i think, is God, because He is the only one that is perfect and blameless, the only one who loves us enough to do it. anything else sacrificed wouldn't have been good enough to save us. it would have eventually screwed up and done something wrong or it would not have lasted forever.
1 Corinthians 7 says to "eagerly wait for the revelation of our Lord Jesus Christ," and i think that this makes sense. we can't simply be looking at things like church or culture or media to be able to really understand who God is. we have to have the revelation - in other words, this bit of truth has to be revealed to us from God Himself. That's another essential part of His character - He reaches down to us, He communicates and shows Himself to us.
so, to wrap things up, i think if we truly knew who God is and how much He loves us, we would stop at nothing to get to Him, to love Him back, to feel His arms wrapped around us like He's been wanting to do all along. but to really know God, we have to be looking to Him to figure out who He is, we have to find out for ourselves. hearing about something like love is never the same as actually experiencing it, just like reading about basketball strategy your whole life won't make you good at basketball. we have to actually turn to God and interact with Him to figure out who He is, or else we will sorta be stuck with this political party, scapegoat excuse, corrupting, limited God.
Against the Giants (a short sub-post)
i got to drive someone back home today, and it was really nice because i felt like i could identify with him. and i'm not sure what he believes or anything, but it didn't matter, because i could still identify with him. it was nice to talk to someone so down to earth, someone who i could just feel was tired, because of school and late nights and all of it... because it was like he wasn't still putting on masks to try to make me think he was someone else. and i talked to him a little about God, and... it was just nice.
they watched a football movie called Against the Giants or something about a high school football coach who has six losing seasons and can't have kids because he is infertile, and then he starts believing in God. by the end, they have not only won the state championship by a long-shot miracle (a game they shouldn't have been in that resulted in the back-up kicker nailing a 51-yard field goal when he had only kicked 39 before) and also knowing that his wife had become pregnant by another miracle. and the whole point was that nothing is impossible with God.
what i started saying but i didn't get to finish was that it didn't have to be like that. faith in God isn't about winning state championships. it's about God. but people will watch the movie and try to use God to win state championships, some people won't even start believing in God until He shows them miracles, some people are still asking "what can i get from God?" and that's not what faith is. faith isn't about winning state championships, and faith is still rejoicing in God's name even if He doesn't let you win that state championship. i also wanted to say that some people say you can't really know - you can't know that God is God, it's just another philosophy like everything else, it's just something that could be considered relative truth. Maybe that works for you, but i'm gonna live my own life, i'm doing fine by myself. but... you really can know. it's not a blind faith, it's certainly not. you can know, you just have to really be searching. "You will find Me when you search for me with all your heart" says somewhere in Jeremiah.
they watched a football movie called Against the Giants or something about a high school football coach who has six losing seasons and can't have kids because he is infertile, and then he starts believing in God. by the end, they have not only won the state championship by a long-shot miracle (a game they shouldn't have been in that resulted in the back-up kicker nailing a 51-yard field goal when he had only kicked 39 before) and also knowing that his wife had become pregnant by another miracle. and the whole point was that nothing is impossible with God.
what i started saying but i didn't get to finish was that it didn't have to be like that. faith in God isn't about winning state championships. it's about God. but people will watch the movie and try to use God to win state championships, some people won't even start believing in God until He shows them miracles, some people are still asking "what can i get from God?" and that's not what faith is. faith isn't about winning state championships, and faith is still rejoicing in God's name even if He doesn't let you win that state championship. i also wanted to say that some people say you can't really know - you can't know that God is God, it's just another philosophy like everything else, it's just something that could be considered relative truth. Maybe that works for you, but i'm gonna live my own life, i'm doing fine by myself. but... you really can know. it's not a blind faith, it's certainly not. you can know, you just have to really be searching. "You will find Me when you search for me with all your heart" says somewhere in Jeremiah.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
runnning in Kansas (EDIT)
as i type this, my legs hurt, even though i didn't race today. but...i look back on the weekend and maybe even the track season, maybe even my whole running career as it comes to a close, and i guess it really is a humbling experience. it's like one of those things that you just have to stop and wonder at because somehow, you made it. you arrived, somehow, at some kind of place where you know you're on to something, that this something really is great.
i ran 4:59.2, finally breaking a five minute mile. but words wouldn't express the kind of grief i felt when i came through the first leg of the relay, passed the baton, and looked up to see 5:01. not only had i failed, but i had come all the way from tulsa, after 4 hours of driving, to run my last mile and not run it hard. the track was bouncy in a way that this seemed very true, because your legs didn't end up tired at all. and i only had around five guys behind me - i was in the very back. i felt horrible.
and i think that's a humbling process too. God still gave me a sub five minute mile, what i wanted. He didn't give me the 4:50 or whatever i thought i should have run, and maybe if i had, i would have felt like i had something to boast about (Ephesians 2:8), but now I don't really. but i still have something to be proud of - i have no reason to be mad or distressed in the same way that i have no reason to boast - i ran a good time, a personal record, and even got a school record that will stand for a while (as it may be long before we get four guys who can average five minute miles).
i don't know. i wish you could have been there. because we come back to Tulsa at midnight and four guys have their girlfriends waiting on them, and i get back to my house and my dad barely says hello to me, and i find out that i get into the Honors College at OU and i run a good mile time yesterday, but...i'd leave all of this to get out of loneliness. i'd leave all of this to be able to know that things are gonna be okay, to get a glimpse of beauty, to be able to spend a night talking with someone outside. for things to be what they were meant to be...i would give it up for that. hopefully, i will recognize it when things are that way..
Hebrews 11 defines faith as believing in things not seen, the hope for things to come. maybe that last paragraph was like the same thing.
EDIT
what i came to the conclusion was this: running is something i do, but it's not who i am. though i have made a sort of reputation for myself as a runner, my true identity is not as a runner. and when i am running simply for the sake of running... it is like lust, or drugs, or anything. i'm just looking for my next high, and i can only see as far as my next event or my next meet or my next practice.
i liked running because it helped me understand things about life. how we live, like how discipline is important and races are relative and what it really means to live or run with everything you have, and all these things. but my true identity isn't a runner. it's as God's... because i'm not looking for my next high and the things i do don't fade away into the distance. i can't even remember my last few races, and i can't tell you my times or if i ran varsity. and with God...i'm not looking for my next high. it's different than that. it's hard trying to say whatever it is i'm feeling. it's just like God is relevant and significant. always. it's not waiting for the next high because it's always a high, and it's not even about getting the high, it's just about knowing that you're right and knowing that the things you are doing are going to be significant in the way that you will never forget for the rest of your lives.
i've run a lot of races, conference championships when they've been the only thing i could think about for a week or two. but i can't say that they changed my life. i can't say that they made me better, and i can't say that i'll remember them for the rest of my life. i hardly remember them, aside from what some people said or when i kicked or what our team placed. that's it. but with God... Christianity does change my life. i really do think that i'm getting changed for the better, and that the things that happen will stay with me, they won't fade away like all of my old highs. i am satisfied.
there was a night in Mexico City, the one night i was baptized. and i remember it...i remember what the air felt like and looking up at the stars and the night and walking back after doing it. i remember the determination i felt to do it, and i remember thinking "i'm going to remember this night for the rest of my life." and what's crazy is, i do.
when i used to do spelling bees, there was this one time when i missed the word 'Heterogeneous' in the regionals and i could've gone to nationals if i had outlasted seven more people or something like that, and i went home thinking i would remember that moment for the rest of my life, thinking "what could have happened?" but it's stupid, it's pointless. because even if i had gone to nationals, it wouldn't have changed me, it wouldn't have fixed my problems, it wouldn't have led me anywhere. i wouldn't have satisfied. it wouldn't have given me a kind of confidence that everything's going to end up okay, it wouldn't have been able to help me out with any of my problems.
and i said all of that to say this: when i am running for the sake of running, i am forgetting who i am. i run for what it stands for, just like so much more. marriage is supposed to be a representation of our relationship with God, not to sound like i'm undermining it at all, and youth group is supposed to represent the body of Christ. and all of these different things, we're not supposed to be doing them simply for the sake of doing them. but because they have something to do with God.
i ran 4:59.2, finally breaking a five minute mile. but words wouldn't express the kind of grief i felt when i came through the first leg of the relay, passed the baton, and looked up to see 5:01. not only had i failed, but i had come all the way from tulsa, after 4 hours of driving, to run my last mile and not run it hard. the track was bouncy in a way that this seemed very true, because your legs didn't end up tired at all. and i only had around five guys behind me - i was in the very back. i felt horrible.
and i think that's a humbling process too. God still gave me a sub five minute mile, what i wanted. He didn't give me the 4:50 or whatever i thought i should have run, and maybe if i had, i would have felt like i had something to boast about (Ephesians 2:8), but now I don't really. but i still have something to be proud of - i have no reason to be mad or distressed in the same way that i have no reason to boast - i ran a good time, a personal record, and even got a school record that will stand for a while (as it may be long before we get four guys who can average five minute miles).
i don't know. i wish you could have been there. because we come back to Tulsa at midnight and four guys have their girlfriends waiting on them, and i get back to my house and my dad barely says hello to me, and i find out that i get into the Honors College at OU and i run a good mile time yesterday, but...i'd leave all of this to get out of loneliness. i'd leave all of this to be able to know that things are gonna be okay, to get a glimpse of beauty, to be able to spend a night talking with someone outside. for things to be what they were meant to be...i would give it up for that. hopefully, i will recognize it when things are that way..
Hebrews 11 defines faith as believing in things not seen, the hope for things to come. maybe that last paragraph was like the same thing.
EDIT
what i came to the conclusion was this: running is something i do, but it's not who i am. though i have made a sort of reputation for myself as a runner, my true identity is not as a runner. and when i am running simply for the sake of running... it is like lust, or drugs, or anything. i'm just looking for my next high, and i can only see as far as my next event or my next meet or my next practice.
i liked running because it helped me understand things about life. how we live, like how discipline is important and races are relative and what it really means to live or run with everything you have, and all these things. but my true identity isn't a runner. it's as God's... because i'm not looking for my next high and the things i do don't fade away into the distance. i can't even remember my last few races, and i can't tell you my times or if i ran varsity. and with God...i'm not looking for my next high. it's different than that. it's hard trying to say whatever it is i'm feeling. it's just like God is relevant and significant. always. it's not waiting for the next high because it's always a high, and it's not even about getting the high, it's just about knowing that you're right and knowing that the things you are doing are going to be significant in the way that you will never forget for the rest of your lives.
i've run a lot of races, conference championships when they've been the only thing i could think about for a week or two. but i can't say that they changed my life. i can't say that they made me better, and i can't say that i'll remember them for the rest of my life. i hardly remember them, aside from what some people said or when i kicked or what our team placed. that's it. but with God... Christianity does change my life. i really do think that i'm getting changed for the better, and that the things that happen will stay with me, they won't fade away like all of my old highs. i am satisfied.
there was a night in Mexico City, the one night i was baptized. and i remember it...i remember what the air felt like and looking up at the stars and the night and walking back after doing it. i remember the determination i felt to do it, and i remember thinking "i'm going to remember this night for the rest of my life." and what's crazy is, i do.
when i used to do spelling bees, there was this one time when i missed the word 'Heterogeneous' in the regionals and i could've gone to nationals if i had outlasted seven more people or something like that, and i went home thinking i would remember that moment for the rest of my life, thinking "what could have happened?" but it's stupid, it's pointless. because even if i had gone to nationals, it wouldn't have changed me, it wouldn't have fixed my problems, it wouldn't have led me anywhere. i wouldn't have satisfied. it wouldn't have given me a kind of confidence that everything's going to end up okay, it wouldn't have been able to help me out with any of my problems.
and i said all of that to say this: when i am running for the sake of running, i am forgetting who i am. i run for what it stands for, just like so much more. marriage is supposed to be a representation of our relationship with God, not to sound like i'm undermining it at all, and youth group is supposed to represent the body of Christ. and all of these different things, we're not supposed to be doing them simply for the sake of doing them. but because they have something to do with God.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Virginia Tech
in the aftermath of the Virginia Tech shooting... i just want things to be right.
as something like this happens... everyone's right - life's not fair... and i just want things to be fair, to be good. and nobody could deserve it. nobody could deserve losing their life like this, nobody could even expect. what does it take? what does it take to push someone so far that they feel like they have to go out with a bang? was it harsh words from a friend? maybe it was his family? maybe it was everything. maybe he just couldn't do it. maybe he just didn't enjoy it. maybe, maybe, maybe.
but...what can someone say? how can someone respond? with love... and i'm not sure i know what that looks like. but the Bible says that you should rejoice with people when they are happy and mourn with those who are sad, that you should enter their presence of mind and put yourself into a position where you can comfort and some healing can happen. and maybe i won't ever get a chance to fix something. but the most i can do is love, the most i can do is not condemn. the most i can do is try to understand and, in understanding, love. love more, even.
and if someone walks into my school with a gun and 33 lives in mind, i sincerely want to be the one to stand in the way, even if that means i'm the first to die. to stand in the way of the heartbreak and the destruction and chaos and the brokenness. this is just wrong. i was reading Hebrews, around chapter 11, talking about how...things weren't supposed to be like this. it's easier to see everything going wrong when something big happens. but even if that hadn't ever happened, things weren't supposed to be like this. Hebrews 11 says, But now they [those who have faith in God, see Hebrews 11:6] desire a better, that is, a heavenly country. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.
and you think, great. heaven's gonna be great. but how are you supposed to respond? how is any of this relevant to what is going on right now, how does it make a difference? and i'm not sure. things weren't supposed to be like this. how do you respond to the heartbreak? i don't know. maybe you try to make a difference. you try to live in such a way that, in everybody you meet, they see something better. something that doesn't say "you're not good enough" or "you should just go and die," or something that belittles them as a person. and, i don't even have to be talking about God, though i am[, and i think He's the only way because there comes a point when we don't know what to do and we don't even know what's best for us.] but...we can try to comfort. we can stop treating people like outcasts, we can stop avoiding people and pretending not to see them in the halls, we can sacrifice our dignity so that others can understand something better out of their days, and we can let ourselves be ridiculed so some people never have to know what that feels like...not to try to prevent things like school shootings from happening. just because... they deserve more. they deserve to get the best from us, to truly be loved. all those people, the 32 - they didn't deserve to die. and what's more - the gunman...he didn't deserve his life to come to that. he deserved love from every one who walked into his path, and maybe he saw that and chose not to listen to it, but still he deserved more from life than that.
i don't know. God bless everyone. He is still sovereign, even when everything is falling apart. things weren't supposed to be like this.
as something like this happens... everyone's right - life's not fair... and i just want things to be fair, to be good. and nobody could deserve it. nobody could deserve losing their life like this, nobody could even expect. what does it take? what does it take to push someone so far that they feel like they have to go out with a bang? was it harsh words from a friend? maybe it was his family? maybe it was everything. maybe he just couldn't do it. maybe he just didn't enjoy it. maybe, maybe, maybe.
but...what can someone say? how can someone respond? with love... and i'm not sure i know what that looks like. but the Bible says that you should rejoice with people when they are happy and mourn with those who are sad, that you should enter their presence of mind and put yourself into a position where you can comfort and some healing can happen. and maybe i won't ever get a chance to fix something. but the most i can do is love, the most i can do is not condemn. the most i can do is try to understand and, in understanding, love. love more, even.
and if someone walks into my school with a gun and 33 lives in mind, i sincerely want to be the one to stand in the way, even if that means i'm the first to die. to stand in the way of the heartbreak and the destruction and chaos and the brokenness. this is just wrong. i was reading Hebrews, around chapter 11, talking about how...things weren't supposed to be like this. it's easier to see everything going wrong when something big happens. but even if that hadn't ever happened, things weren't supposed to be like this. Hebrews 11 says, But now they [those who have faith in God, see Hebrews 11:6] desire a better, that is, a heavenly country. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.
and you think, great. heaven's gonna be great. but how are you supposed to respond? how is any of this relevant to what is going on right now, how does it make a difference? and i'm not sure. things weren't supposed to be like this. how do you respond to the heartbreak? i don't know. maybe you try to make a difference. you try to live in such a way that, in everybody you meet, they see something better. something that doesn't say "you're not good enough" or "you should just go and die," or something that belittles them as a person. and, i don't even have to be talking about God, though i am[, and i think He's the only way because there comes a point when we don't know what to do and we don't even know what's best for us.] but...we can try to comfort. we can stop treating people like outcasts, we can stop avoiding people and pretending not to see them in the halls, we can sacrifice our dignity so that others can understand something better out of their days, and we can let ourselves be ridiculed so some people never have to know what that feels like...not to try to prevent things like school shootings from happening. just because... they deserve more. they deserve to get the best from us, to truly be loved. all those people, the 32 - they didn't deserve to die. and what's more - the gunman...he didn't deserve his life to come to that. he deserved love from every one who walked into his path, and maybe he saw that and chose not to listen to it, but still he deserved more from life than that.
i don't know. God bless everyone. He is still sovereign, even when everything is falling apart. things weren't supposed to be like this.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Christian interpretation of Switchfoot
friday, we talked about how there are certain things in a relationship that make it divine, that make the relationship really work, and if these things became fake or just ritual or systematic, then the relationship, in a sense, fails. it fails to really mean anything, fails to have purpose. and how, in a relationship with God, the divine things could be separated into three categories: worship, prayer, and devotion. and in worship, like singing songs to God and straight up praising Him, if we ever begin to belittle it, it is like we are falling into fake or ritual or system, and it is like the relationship is not only ceasing to grow, but it is ceasing to mean anything. i'm not sure if that makes sense. when you start treating a relationship like a chore, it is almost like it stops being a relationship.
it is easy to sing worship songs. if you do it long enough, you can get to a point where you can sing and sing without ever realizing any kind of significance of what i am saying. and the purpose of the lyrics and the songs is not that we sing the songs, but because they're supposed to point us to truths, they're supposed to get us going in communication with God, we are supposed to be getting closer to God and having our hearts opened. it's easy to sing the songs, but it's so much harder to have your heart changed.
you wouldn't exactly know it by listening to their songs, but Switchfoot has a Christian label. if you search the songs out, you can find Christian themes scattered all over the place, though i'm not sure they make so much sense if you're not looking for them. and when Switchfoot came out with a hit single a couple of years ago called Meant to Live, everybody would listen to the song and watch the music video on MTV and remark what great guitar riffs there were at the beginning of the song and everyone would sing it. one time, i tried to figure out what it really meant, the chorus at least: "We were meant to live for so much more, have we lost ourselves? Somewhere we live inside, somewhere we live inside." And i spent some time trying to figure out what this line meant, but couldn't figure it out until maybe a year later or so, when i randomly understood. it is talking about how God has called us to live higher lives, how God has called us to become so much more than who we are, and when it asks "have we lost ourselves," it is asking, have we become so disillusioned and separated from ourselves that it is no longer us who live, but some other part of us that lives for a different meaning of life, like gratification or satisfaction or accolade. it is about how we want to live for God, we want to live for higher purpose, but it is like we have our lost ourselves, and we can't figure out who we are anymore, because what we do and what we want to do have become two entirely different things.
one of the first things that mike told us when i joined the youth group was that, instead of just singing the songs on Sunday morning, we should actually try to mean what we say, and it was more important to understand what was going on or even talk to God than to be singing blindly without any substance in the lyrics. and on friday, he said the challenge was to stay honest, to be genuine and real and honest in our worship. not to treat it just like something we have to do, but like a real engagement with God, like a real conversation, something that actually matters.
---
i made this blogger because i wanted somewhere to put my more relevant thoughts, other than xanga (which is ironically, hardly visited). and now that i have like two people reading this, i really shouldn't stop.
mike challenged me to go my freshmen year without really dating someone. like, i could go on dates and stuff, but he told me not to sexualize it, not to start thinking "maybe she's the one" right after meeting her. he said it was more important to be around girls and get to understand healthy relationships with them and whatever, that if all i ever do is look for "the one," then i won't be ready for her whenever she's right in front of me. he said that if all i ever do is worry about dating and marriage and things like this, i wouldn't ever be ready for it.
he has all of these stories of heartbreak, of times he was sure it would work out, of what he really thought was love. and, after everything, after all of the heartbreak and the disaster and the questioning and the crying, he finally ends up with what God had for him...and a relationship that he really does recognize for being relevant and significant and where God wanted him to be. and so...i'm not sure i'll ever know what's going on until years later down the road when things will have hopefully worked out, when i'll be able to look back and see that things were always taken care of and that i shouldn't have been so scared or tired of waiting because things wouldn't have worked out if i had had my way...
it is easy to sing worship songs. if you do it long enough, you can get to a point where you can sing and sing without ever realizing any kind of significance of what i am saying. and the purpose of the lyrics and the songs is not that we sing the songs, but because they're supposed to point us to truths, they're supposed to get us going in communication with God, we are supposed to be getting closer to God and having our hearts opened. it's easy to sing the songs, but it's so much harder to have your heart changed.
you wouldn't exactly know it by listening to their songs, but Switchfoot has a Christian label. if you search the songs out, you can find Christian themes scattered all over the place, though i'm not sure they make so much sense if you're not looking for them. and when Switchfoot came out with a hit single a couple of years ago called Meant to Live, everybody would listen to the song and watch the music video on MTV and remark what great guitar riffs there were at the beginning of the song and everyone would sing it. one time, i tried to figure out what it really meant, the chorus at least: "We were meant to live for so much more, have we lost ourselves? Somewhere we live inside, somewhere we live inside." And i spent some time trying to figure out what this line meant, but couldn't figure it out until maybe a year later or so, when i randomly understood. it is talking about how God has called us to live higher lives, how God has called us to become so much more than who we are, and when it asks "have we lost ourselves," it is asking, have we become so disillusioned and separated from ourselves that it is no longer us who live, but some other part of us that lives for a different meaning of life, like gratification or satisfaction or accolade. it is about how we want to live for God, we want to live for higher purpose, but it is like we have our lost ourselves, and we can't figure out who we are anymore, because what we do and what we want to do have become two entirely different things.
one of the first things that mike told us when i joined the youth group was that, instead of just singing the songs on Sunday morning, we should actually try to mean what we say, and it was more important to understand what was going on or even talk to God than to be singing blindly without any substance in the lyrics. and on friday, he said the challenge was to stay honest, to be genuine and real and honest in our worship. not to treat it just like something we have to do, but like a real engagement with God, like a real conversation, something that actually matters.
---
i made this blogger because i wanted somewhere to put my more relevant thoughts, other than xanga (which is ironically, hardly visited). and now that i have like two people reading this, i really shouldn't stop.
mike challenged me to go my freshmen year without really dating someone. like, i could go on dates and stuff, but he told me not to sexualize it, not to start thinking "maybe she's the one" right after meeting her. he said it was more important to be around girls and get to understand healthy relationships with them and whatever, that if all i ever do is look for "the one," then i won't be ready for her whenever she's right in front of me. he said that if all i ever do is worry about dating and marriage and things like this, i wouldn't ever be ready for it.
he has all of these stories of heartbreak, of times he was sure it would work out, of what he really thought was love. and, after everything, after all of the heartbreak and the disaster and the questioning and the crying, he finally ends up with what God had for him...and a relationship that he really does recognize for being relevant and significant and where God wanted him to be. and so...i'm not sure i'll ever know what's going on until years later down the road when things will have hopefully worked out, when i'll be able to look back and see that things were always taken care of and that i shouldn't have been so scared or tired of waiting because things wouldn't have worked out if i had had my way...
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Senior Skip Day
a runner's note: when you are tired or it is hard to run, it is easier to kind of tighten up in your stride and have sloppy form. ironically, when you get sloppy with the way you run, everything only gets harder. and even though it is easier to give up to whatever is fatiguing you, it really will only slow you down and end up making things harder.
today was Senior Skip Day, but it wasn't approved by the teachers. it was supposed to be secret, but we are terrible at that, and everyone knew about it before it happened. yesterday, i received two e-mails telling me to make the right choices and also two threats - a 10% deduction off a calculus quiz grade and not being able to run in the track meet on Friday. all of the other seniors who were not being pressured by these threats said everyone should skip regardless, and then the consequences will essentially be rendered inapplicable - they couldn't keep all of the seniors out of the track meet on Friday. and our calculus teacher certainly couldn't drop 10% off of the entire class's grades. and the entire school couldn't punish the entire grade all at once, or else it would cease to function.
and i think this is terribly missing the point, though i think it shouldn't have been such a big deal that we were going to skip school (and i ended up going only to appease the authorities and not specifically because i was looking for something to learn). because all of the other seniors were telling us just to bail out and that they wouldn't be able to do anything about it, and regardless of how correct or incorrect this might be, it is terribly missing the point.
i went to school so i could go to track because i wanted my coach's favor. i didn't want him being mad at me, i didn't want him to have some kind of reason against me. and though he might not have been able to punish me for skipping out when he had clearly laid out rules, it's obvious to see that it would have set up at least a temporary wall in our relationship. because it's not about getting to do whatever you want. it's about not abusing your relationships, it's about trying to be "in the right."
people get the conception that, if God forgives everybody, then you could go around and do whatever you want, and then you could just go back to Him whenever you want, completely under your own conditions, and ask for forgiveness and He would have to give it to you. so no matter how much bad you do, you're still forgiven. yes, this is true. but the idea is not to go around seeing how much sin you can get away with. being forgiven (not punished) is vastly different from being saved (in the right, one might say)
God forgives everyone. It's par for the course, if you understand. everyone gets His forgiveness. it's not about being forgiven, or getting to do whatever you want to do, or getting away with junk without having to face punishments. it's even inevitable - sooner or later, you're going to betray God or skip out on Him or do something that would give Him reason to punish you. it's not what you do that matters - it's where your heart is, it's whether you're going to keep skipping out of responsibilities because they can't do anything about it, or if you're going to realize that you might be hurting someone or yourself or that something's at stake that is more important than you getting to do whatever you want. [by the way, God can do something about it. and He won't save those who haven't chosen to be saved by Him]
it's about being in the right with God in a relationship with Him. He saves those who actually care about that relationship. we all screw up. but we all have His forgiveness. what we do and who we are are two different things. and who we are is what really matters. trying to do who we say we are is the challenge.
today was Senior Skip Day, but it wasn't approved by the teachers. it was supposed to be secret, but we are terrible at that, and everyone knew about it before it happened. yesterday, i received two e-mails telling me to make the right choices and also two threats - a 10% deduction off a calculus quiz grade and not being able to run in the track meet on Friday. all of the other seniors who were not being pressured by these threats said everyone should skip regardless, and then the consequences will essentially be rendered inapplicable - they couldn't keep all of the seniors out of the track meet on Friday. and our calculus teacher certainly couldn't drop 10% off of the entire class's grades. and the entire school couldn't punish the entire grade all at once, or else it would cease to function.
and i think this is terribly missing the point, though i think it shouldn't have been such a big deal that we were going to skip school (and i ended up going only to appease the authorities and not specifically because i was looking for something to learn). because all of the other seniors were telling us just to bail out and that they wouldn't be able to do anything about it, and regardless of how correct or incorrect this might be, it is terribly missing the point.
i went to school so i could go to track because i wanted my coach's favor. i didn't want him being mad at me, i didn't want him to have some kind of reason against me. and though he might not have been able to punish me for skipping out when he had clearly laid out rules, it's obvious to see that it would have set up at least a temporary wall in our relationship. because it's not about getting to do whatever you want. it's about not abusing your relationships, it's about trying to be "in the right."
people get the conception that, if God forgives everybody, then you could go around and do whatever you want, and then you could just go back to Him whenever you want, completely under your own conditions, and ask for forgiveness and He would have to give it to you. so no matter how much bad you do, you're still forgiven. yes, this is true. but the idea is not to go around seeing how much sin you can get away with. being forgiven (not punished) is vastly different from being saved (in the right, one might say)
God forgives everyone. It's par for the course, if you understand. everyone gets His forgiveness. it's not about being forgiven, or getting to do whatever you want to do, or getting away with junk without having to face punishments. it's even inevitable - sooner or later, you're going to betray God or skip out on Him or do something that would give Him reason to punish you. it's not what you do that matters - it's where your heart is, it's whether you're going to keep skipping out of responsibilities because they can't do anything about it, or if you're going to realize that you might be hurting someone or yourself or that something's at stake that is more important than you getting to do whatever you want. [by the way, God can do something about it. and He won't save those who haven't chosen to be saved by Him]
it's about being in the right with God in a relationship with Him. He saves those who actually care about that relationship. we all screw up. but we all have His forgiveness. what we do and who we are are two different things. and who we are is what really matters. trying to do who we say we are is the challenge.
Monday, April 09, 2007
like practically every kid in America
by the end of today's workout, i found myself wishing my life was like Laguna Beach, like practically every kid in America, whether they know it or not.
and as i pondered what it would take to get my life to be just like Laguna Beach, i realized that i would have to change myself for people like to me. i would be letting other people determine my value, and this value would come from a part of myself that i had faked, by wearing clothes i probably wouldn't wear and maybe going to parties and getitng drunk or doing whatever qualitifes as cool. and i don't want to have to go through that...i just want to be myself. so maybe i won't end up having a life like the people on Laguna Beach, but i'll still have the attention of One who wants to see me be myself. and that, to me, is reason enough to turn to God for the attention we desire.
---
today was Cum Laude, which is pretty much an academic recognition of upperclassmen. they always recognize the top 10% of the junior class and then the next year, they recognize the next 10% (i'm not sure if it cumulates to be the top 20% of the original junior class or an additional, new 10% off a senior class). but anyway, i thought i would get it. i didn't. my freshmen grades killed me. and as much as i really did want that kind of academic distinction (curse you, pride, i think), if my grades hadn't sunken so low and it hadn't killed me so much, i probably wouldn't have become a Christian.
i needed the wake up call of horribly bad grades to see that i needed something else. my friend and i were talking about how i became a Christian and she thought that i was indicating that something has to be wrong, radically wrong, before you can feel a need for God, i guess you could say. like God was just another antidote to make people feel better. like you have to be depressed or suicidal or maniacal before God makes sense, before God can be an answer, which could mean that God is just like any other get rich quick scheme, that He only holds true for people who really need Him.
but the truth is, i think it's only really obvious that something needs to change when things are so severely wrong. like, in your daily life, you might have things that irk you, maybe even a lot, but just as long as you still have some kind of contentedness inside yourself, you're not going to go to some kind of great length to get things fixed, because, and this might sound really bad, there's no urgency. if you've got a week to write a paper, when will you write it? when there's urgency to write it. maybe in the same way, when you've got problems, when will you take a step to try to resolve them? when it becomes unbearable, when there is a certain kind of urgency.
but some people never seem to reach that point, never seem to get to some point of brokenness or vulnerability or anything. and they are content with their lives. but God is...bigger than that. He lifts us higher than we could ever get on our own. but more than that...He is worthy to be praised and feared. it's weird to think, but it's not about us. it's not about getting enough happiness or enough of life that you can live comfortably and not worry about money or social conditions or anything. it's about God...and that's hard to try to tell someone, but the whole idea about Christianity is that God deserves you, and He went through hell so that He could call you His son or daughter. and by His love, you can live. but the point isn't to live. it's about God, to run back to Him and let things become what they were intended to be. but i still think it's right. if you've ever wondered what the point of life is or who you really are, i think you find those answers when you start talking to God.
and as i pondered what it would take to get my life to be just like Laguna Beach, i realized that i would have to change myself for people like to me. i would be letting other people determine my value, and this value would come from a part of myself that i had faked, by wearing clothes i probably wouldn't wear and maybe going to parties and getitng drunk or doing whatever qualitifes as cool. and i don't want to have to go through that...i just want to be myself. so maybe i won't end up having a life like the people on Laguna Beach, but i'll still have the attention of One who wants to see me be myself. and that, to me, is reason enough to turn to God for the attention we desire.
---
today was Cum Laude, which is pretty much an academic recognition of upperclassmen. they always recognize the top 10% of the junior class and then the next year, they recognize the next 10% (i'm not sure if it cumulates to be the top 20% of the original junior class or an additional, new 10% off a senior class). but anyway, i thought i would get it. i didn't. my freshmen grades killed me. and as much as i really did want that kind of academic distinction (curse you, pride, i think), if my grades hadn't sunken so low and it hadn't killed me so much, i probably wouldn't have become a Christian.
i needed the wake up call of horribly bad grades to see that i needed something else. my friend and i were talking about how i became a Christian and she thought that i was indicating that something has to be wrong, radically wrong, before you can feel a need for God, i guess you could say. like God was just another antidote to make people feel better. like you have to be depressed or suicidal or maniacal before God makes sense, before God can be an answer, which could mean that God is just like any other get rich quick scheme, that He only holds true for people who really need Him.
but the truth is, i think it's only really obvious that something needs to change when things are so severely wrong. like, in your daily life, you might have things that irk you, maybe even a lot, but just as long as you still have some kind of contentedness inside yourself, you're not going to go to some kind of great length to get things fixed, because, and this might sound really bad, there's no urgency. if you've got a week to write a paper, when will you write it? when there's urgency to write it. maybe in the same way, when you've got problems, when will you take a step to try to resolve them? when it becomes unbearable, when there is a certain kind of urgency.
but some people never seem to reach that point, never seem to get to some point of brokenness or vulnerability or anything. and they are content with their lives. but God is...bigger than that. He lifts us higher than we could ever get on our own. but more than that...He is worthy to be praised and feared. it's weird to think, but it's not about us. it's not about getting enough happiness or enough of life that you can live comfortably and not worry about money or social conditions or anything. it's about God...and that's hard to try to tell someone, but the whole idea about Christianity is that God deserves you, and He went through hell so that He could call you His son or daughter. and by His love, you can live. but the point isn't to live. it's about God, to run back to Him and let things become what they were intended to be. but i still think it's right. if you've ever wondered what the point of life is or who you really are, i think you find those answers when you start talking to God.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
running in circles
have you ever known what a strange thing it is to be in love? have you ever known what a strange thing it is for things to be crashing down upon you, to not choose the easy way out, to stand up instead for whatever it was you felt worthy of standing up for? have you ever known the sensation of things bigger than you, of battles larger than life, of a responsibility you could not fulfill? and have you ever felt lost? blind, hopeless, abandoned? have you felt like you had it all and you gave it away, that you lost your shot, that nothing will ever be as big as it could have been?
i was watching ATF TV on channel 23, apparently, a skit excerpt from ATF with Ron Luce talking at the end. in the skit, the protagonist had been a Christian for a while and then dumped the lifestyle for what was "cool." and the popular girl he likes that he thought did not notice him started talking to him, which he thought was the result of becoming "cool." but the real thing? she liked him a year ago, when he didn't think she noticed him. she liked him a year ago when he walked through the halls at school and smiled and he seemed to stick out of the crowd because he had a life. and now, he had changed. and she wanted to confide in him, but once she had finally moved close enough to do so, she had realized he had changed. he wasn't this person anymore, not the one she was counting on him to be.
and so...a year later, he finds he's moved three steps behind. though his good intentions were unmistakable, he had moved himself back. he had what he wanted...but it wasn't what he thought he wanted, so he changed himself just in time to learn that he had what he wanted all along. and he blew it.
and i blew it. i'm not talking regretfully, i'm not living in the past, but do you want to know the truth? i'm living in the past. and though some part of me knows i have to move on, another part screams out to salvage what is left.
i read a Rob Bell book about how we have to live with this tension of being human beings. we're not animals, which means that some things are bound to happen simply by instinct and we can't help ourselves, that we're just going through uncontrollable motions and emotions. and we're not angels, which do not exactly know what it means to feel pain and to feel joy and to maybe feel like something is at danger. but we're something else by being human, and we owe it to ourselves to live with this tension, the tension of being something great.
i was watching ATF TV on channel 23, apparently, a skit excerpt from ATF with Ron Luce talking at the end. in the skit, the protagonist had been a Christian for a while and then dumped the lifestyle for what was "cool." and the popular girl he likes that he thought did not notice him started talking to him, which he thought was the result of becoming "cool." but the real thing? she liked him a year ago, when he didn't think she noticed him. she liked him a year ago when he walked through the halls at school and smiled and he seemed to stick out of the crowd because he had a life. and now, he had changed. and she wanted to confide in him, but once she had finally moved close enough to do so, she had realized he had changed. he wasn't this person anymore, not the one she was counting on him to be.
and so...a year later, he finds he's moved three steps behind. though his good intentions were unmistakable, he had moved himself back. he had what he wanted...but it wasn't what he thought he wanted, so he changed himself just in time to learn that he had what he wanted all along. and he blew it.
and i blew it. i'm not talking regretfully, i'm not living in the past, but do you want to know the truth? i'm living in the past. and though some part of me knows i have to move on, another part screams out to salvage what is left.
i read a Rob Bell book about how we have to live with this tension of being human beings. we're not animals, which means that some things are bound to happen simply by instinct and we can't help ourselves, that we're just going through uncontrollable motions and emotions. and we're not angels, which do not exactly know what it means to feel pain and to feel joy and to maybe feel like something is at danger. but we're something else by being human, and we owe it to ourselves to live with this tension, the tension of being something great.
Monday, April 02, 2007
i would bet my life.
i woke up this morning and got to school at about 7:30, still not exactly awake, thinking "when will any of this be relevant?" thinking, "will today be the day i see God save someone right in front of me? will today be the day my life is changed, will today be the day God revives me?" will today be a day of relevance, or will it fade away again? will anything happen that i wouldn't miss for the world? "Better is one day in Your courts, better is one day in Your house than thousands elsewhere." apart from God, we fade away. but if i could live a day in His will, i would remember that day for the rest of my life.
i can be so clumsy, i can be so foolish,
i can be so stupid, and then i feel so useless
but You're saying You love me
and You're still gonna hold me
and You want to be near me,
cause You're making me holy.
---
i was talking to a friend yesterday on the Internet and we started talking about what to do when you want to make the right choices in other peoples' lives. like if you've been there, and you know what you can do to make things better, you know what you can do so that you don't fall flat on your face, what can be done to keep away from brokenness. and you try to tell them, you try to make them understand that, if they just made this right choice, then everything would be better, then they wouldn't fall into the same holes or through the same cracks as you.
but it's hard, because the person you are trying to help can just as easily say, "no," can just as easily say "i don't want your help, i'll live my own life, i've got things under control, i don't need your special treatment." doesn't understand that you're trying to help them for the better, maybe doesn't even understand why they even need somebody's help. and it hurts because all you were trying to do was guide them in the right direction, and they won't let you.
and you've got to believe that God sees things the same way, except with a whole lot more truth because He sees so much of a bigger and more complex picture than we do. because He tells us "just follow Me," and we throw in some pride and some conditionals and tell Him to wait and "no wait, i don't trust You yet, just give me a couple of years," and then we bail out on Him again and whatnot. but i was going somewhere else with this.
because i've been there. i went to a Korean retreat two summers ago in Arkansas with my friend's Korean church in Oklahoma City, with my friend and his other friend who wasn't a believer. and at the retreat, they would do amazing worship each night and God was really moving there and you could see Him changing peoples' lives, and a couple of times, i just put my hands on my friend and prayed he would be touched by God. and i think it happened, God started touching him. but still, my friend wouldn't believe. he wouldn't give his life up, he wouldn't really do whatever you do when you start living for God instead of other things. and on the very last night, the pastor of the church in Oklahoma City took my hands off of my friend and told me that i could only do so much, that my friend had to make the choice for himself. and i hated that, to be honest. i hated it that i couldn't make him believe, that he couldn't understand how much it had changed me, that it really was real, all of it was real. i hated that i knew God was the answer to all of his desires and i tried to tell him, but he wouldn't listen to me. well, anyway, he got saved later that night and it was beautiful and everything was fine.
i guess things are better that way, that only God could make him believe. but certainly you must know what i mean - all of us are human, right? and though it might not exactly be a fight for control over someone's life, it's trying to point someone in the right direction, and it hurts when they don't understand, when they can't see the things that you see. that's kind of why this post is titled "i would bet my life." I would bet my life that this is right. God is real, God is a Savior. He's got everything you want, everything you need, and He's the only one making things work out. He's the only one loving on you, even if you can't understand it with all of the bad going on. but still, i would bet my life this is right. i know it's sorta foolish to say something like that, but this is my best shot. and i've seen it just as real as you've see anything else. i would bet everything so you could see God for who He really is, to catch the revelation of who He really is.
i can be so clumsy, i can be so foolish,
i can be so stupid, and then i feel so useless
but You're saying You love me
and You're still gonna hold me
and You want to be near me,
cause You're making me holy.
---
i was talking to a friend yesterday on the Internet and we started talking about what to do when you want to make the right choices in other peoples' lives. like if you've been there, and you know what you can do to make things better, you know what you can do so that you don't fall flat on your face, what can be done to keep away from brokenness. and you try to tell them, you try to make them understand that, if they just made this right choice, then everything would be better, then they wouldn't fall into the same holes or through the same cracks as you.
but it's hard, because the person you are trying to help can just as easily say, "no," can just as easily say "i don't want your help, i'll live my own life, i've got things under control, i don't need your special treatment." doesn't understand that you're trying to help them for the better, maybe doesn't even understand why they even need somebody's help. and it hurts because all you were trying to do was guide them in the right direction, and they won't let you.
and you've got to believe that God sees things the same way, except with a whole lot more truth because He sees so much of a bigger and more complex picture than we do. because He tells us "just follow Me," and we throw in some pride and some conditionals and tell Him to wait and "no wait, i don't trust You yet, just give me a couple of years," and then we bail out on Him again and whatnot. but i was going somewhere else with this.
because i've been there. i went to a Korean retreat two summers ago in Arkansas with my friend's Korean church in Oklahoma City, with my friend and his other friend who wasn't a believer. and at the retreat, they would do amazing worship each night and God was really moving there and you could see Him changing peoples' lives, and a couple of times, i just put my hands on my friend and prayed he would be touched by God. and i think it happened, God started touching him. but still, my friend wouldn't believe. he wouldn't give his life up, he wouldn't really do whatever you do when you start living for God instead of other things. and on the very last night, the pastor of the church in Oklahoma City took my hands off of my friend and told me that i could only do so much, that my friend had to make the choice for himself. and i hated that, to be honest. i hated it that i couldn't make him believe, that he couldn't understand how much it had changed me, that it really was real, all of it was real. i hated that i knew God was the answer to all of his desires and i tried to tell him, but he wouldn't listen to me. well, anyway, he got saved later that night and it was beautiful and everything was fine.
i guess things are better that way, that only God could make him believe. but certainly you must know what i mean - all of us are human, right? and though it might not exactly be a fight for control over someone's life, it's trying to point someone in the right direction, and it hurts when they don't understand, when they can't see the things that you see. that's kind of why this post is titled "i would bet my life." I would bet my life that this is right. God is real, God is a Savior. He's got everything you want, everything you need, and He's the only one making things work out. He's the only one loving on you, even if you can't understand it with all of the bad going on. but still, i would bet my life this is right. i know it's sorta foolish to say something like that, but this is my best shot. and i've seen it just as real as you've see anything else. i would bet everything so you could see God for who He really is, to catch the revelation of who He really is.
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