joy of the Lord

i have to put this somewhere.

God is good. very good. so far beyond our perceptions and imaginations good.

we were having a prayer meeting, like we always do on Sunday nights, and...things just got out of control with the Holy Spirit. joy of the Lord, all over the place for me. it was pretty amazing.

yesterday was awful. it felt like it did before i was saved. my day lacked direction, and i was a slave to my stupid lustful desires. anyways, i fell to sin so much yesterday, i felt pathetic, and i didn't really even have a desire for God. my faith was pretty weak.

i got a nice amount of sleep, and took a break from playing worship tonight. i usually played worship Sunday and Wednesday nights, but i didn't tonight. i still thought it would just be a normal day, even though daniel had asked if i wanted to get drunk and i had told them that i did. i didn't actually think it would happen. and even when we stood up for him to pray for me, i didn't really think anything of it. and when i fell over backwards, i wasn't so sure whether it was God who had pushed me over not. i didn't think it was.

but something happened in falling over backwards, uncertain whether or not God would actually do something. there was some kind of liberation that eventually prevailed, and i lost dignity. i began to laugh, because though my circumstances weren't perfect at all, and though my faith had been so weak just a day earlier, God was still in control. and even though we were possibly going through some rough times, God was still in control, and God still knew what He was doing. i had been praying for faith. and joy of the Lord. i wanted to be restored to joy. God gave me just that.

because it wasn't soon before i was speaking in tongues and squirming around with manifestations. when i say that i lost dignity, i really mean i lost dignity. i was acting a way i don't think anybody's ever seen me act. it was like God was tickling me. i was just lieing on the ground of Daniel's room, kicking around, laughing, squirming. amazed, because this had nothing to do with me. it was just God, and He felt really really good. and it was like no one could take away with this joy. and i thought how i could live in it forever, for some reason just really really happy, living in God's glory, even with my grades dropping in the background and all of these other issues that could be worried about. and i was thinking how i could go to my calculus class acting just like this, how i could live completely unconcerned with the world, completely indifferent to this life of grades and society and competition.

and i thought how funny it was, because yesterday was so bad, that the events of tonight could have definitely not been prompted, in anyway, by any kind of my own self righteousness. i, in no way, deserved what happened tonight. is it not obvious to see that my direct disobedience of God and His commandments should not have resulted in such a pleasant experience with God that happened tonight? it was completely grace. and it was completely God. i had very little to do with it, and i was just laughing because I was in His presence, and this was something i have never felt before. and i will tell you this - it's something that will be remembered. it really is something great. God restored me to joy. and it was all in His timing, all in His plan.

which faces me with this dilemma - how shall i go on living? because, i think it's pretty clear. it has to be of God. it has be totally God, if i want it to resound like tonight did. like my own problems and my own ego - everything that has to do with me - should take a backseat to God. let God drive, i shouldn't really have anything to do with it, except that i should laugh and squirm around when God tickles me. oh - and another thing - my legs felt amazing. i could not keep my legs still. i couldn't keep both of them stretched out on the ground in front of me. one always had to be bent. and...i kind of felt that God let me run. granted, i also felt that He said not to let it get in the way, but it was restoration in a way i've never felt.

and...when i talk to people, it's gotta be all God. it can't be me. at the same time, i have no idea what this looks like. it might always be talking about God, it might have very little to do with even mentioning God's name. it might be casting out demons, it might be deliverance, healings. God knows no boundaries or impossibilities. He just loves on people, and His love conquers all things. God, i just pray that You would overflow onto this campus and all over on all of us, the people that You love. i pray that we would really give You control of our hearts, that we would simply submit and, somehow, just fall to our knees and worship You and wait on You for provision and everything. find ourselves, our identities in You, and see how far we can delve into Your grace, away from our pride. steal away our hearts, ruin us from daily life. secure us in Your presence, and steal us away from this world and what we know. bring us to You.