i want something great.

i used to say that there were a million tiny things some people did each day that no one ever saw, and that these things would make people cry.

i heard about a michael w. smith song, about how it feels to be a father watching his daughter grow up, would push any father to tears, if he should see the music video.

i have felt it. i have felt uncontrollable crying, i have felt completely blown away. i have felt significant and completely secure in my significance, not because i deserved or earned it, but because i was staring God in the face and seeing Him and seeing His love.

now, i want to cry.

part of me wants to be part of something big, and so...i want to be part of God's plan. i want to find myself in His will, i want to be so in love with Him just so that i can be onto something big, so i can be on the brink of something big. so i can feel like my life will make people cry.

and this is what i really want. i want someone to cry over me, not necessarily because of things that go wrong, but because of beauty. i want to run like crazy, run like ecstacy in the cold night and lose myself in it. i want to lose myself in this thing that is big. i want to pour out my heart into words, because i have read some people's notes and they're just so real. they just make you feel like crying, feel like this person is finally vulnerable, that this person... is beautiful. and i guess that's like me, but i can't put words to it. i'm not sure i can put my heart to it either.