i guess i haven't had one of these lately - a testimony. i think if we forget our testimonies, then we forget how much Christ has done for us and what it meant for Him to be our Savior. on the other side, if we only live in our testimonies, then we're no longer really moving forward. anyways, here is what i can manage [with later editing, since i wrote this at like 2 in the morning last night]:

i have been blessed beyond reason. beyond imagination.

in one night, this night, i saw before me flash what was really going on. i saw that i wasn't a very good guitar player or singer compared to some people out there. and i saw that i had sinned, that i wasn't really feeling God. i had fallen away. and yet God used me anyways. He forgave me of my sins, even if i hadn't yet asked for forgiveness - He overlooked my sins and then He overlooked my flaws and He still used me.

but it was how He used me. He used me to get glory for Himself. you see, i was the one playing the guitar and leading the songs and everything, but people didn't see me, and that's the way it should be. all they saw was God. i was worshipping, but it didn't have to be me. it could have been anyone with a guitar and a desire for God, and i think God would have happened just like He did. but it was all the more amazing because it was me. i had a front row seat to watching God move. God working right through me.

and the power of prayer became apparent. because we would pray for people and after a while, God would show up and answer our prayers. and there were multiple times when i just wanted to stop praying and multiple times when i thought it just wasn't going to work and that God wouldn't answer our prayers like that, but the others persevered in their prayer and waited on the Lord and He came. answered our prayers. there was liberation in the air.

it reoccurs that God is my life. i mean, i sing how God is the only one who's worthy of everything we can give and how He's the only one i want to give my life to, but i hadn't realized this for a while. God is my life. no back up plans. nothing. God is my life, and i have nothing else that i would want to live for than for God. more than that, when my life isn't about God, things kinda get screwed up. if i fall away from God, i'm falling away from my life. i'm dying when i purposely choose against God. in fact, when i'm not even listening to God tell me who i am, when i don't let God give me value, i get so screwed up. i get down on myself thinking that i'm not good enough and then i think that not only am i good enough, but i'm better than everyone else, which gets me more down on myself because that's pride. and what God does is give us a new peace of mind. He takes our eyes off of ourselves and puts them on Him. not only that, but He pulls us out of our struggles. He redefines us, makes us new.

today was the first day that i've been in a room with about four or five other people and really been aware of their beauty. and at times, i wouldn't even want to look at them or touch them because i didn't want to dishonor them, and seeing how much God loved them made me feel like i should love them like that too. i think what i have been missing out on is a love for other people, a genuine desire to see people grow and progress and get better - a real care for people - as well as joy in my life. billy was talking to me how he feels like he and the rest of the youth group are kind of missing out on the spirit of joy, and i would agree with him as i can see it lacking in myself too. i just don't get excited like i used to.

one weekend, we went to the gym in Broken Arrow and jerry's stuff got stolen, and we spent pretty much all of saturday night working to change out the locks on his house so that jerry could go to church the next morning. we hardly got any sleep at all. one time in Michigan, it was 1 or 2 at night, and i was upset, so billy and i ran about a mile out to the beach and just sat there, watching the tide come in and out and the silhouette of buildings against the dark night sky, and when we came back, we were laughing at how much God would do. and at the Labor Day Retreat, i remember billy stepping up to the mic and just pouring out his thoughts in front of about 100 people and i got to do the same. i remember my very last Sunday before we went to college, leading worship.

and i remember one of the beginning Friday nights, mike had this crazy idea or something that he could put oil on us and we would all pray for one another and...it turned out that aileen was speaking in tongues from the very beginning and i was crying like i never had before and even crying with my sister, letting myself be vulnerable for one of the first times, saying that i was sorry for all the crap i put her through. i remember a lock-in when nothing seemed to be going right, but later that night when mike and lisa played worship, i ended up running around celebrating because i realized how great and wonderful it would be when, after trying so hard to get to God, we would actually get to Him and He would bless us so much with His gifts, it would be like we were flying.

i remember the long hike up the Pecos Wilderness and i remember watching the sunset that very last night in Michigan. i remember running away from home and God one cold night my senior year, both my legs locking up at 81st and Yale and crying to God on the side of the road. i remember the one weekend when there was grace to play worship. i remember what it looked like to see Jojo and Jerry and Richard and Jeff worship for the first time. i remember the impossibility of it all that night in Michigan when we were standing in a circle and things just started happening. i remember late nights with my small group, not knowing what i was going to talk about and still being blown away by things my group members would say. i remember talking to Jojo about Muslims and i remember billy stepping up as a leader in michigan and i remember Sleeping Bag Sumo and wrestling with demons at the campsite and trying to change seats every five minutes in our cramped van.

i remember times when all i wanted to do was quit. i remember times when i fell so hard, when i chose to compromise, when i let sin get the best of me. i remember some of my failures. failures with relationships and failures to be real. i remember what it feels like to be tired and to be stagnant with God. i remember what it feels like to have God show you something you haven't seen before, to run like you've never run before. i remember running my last real race ever and having John Spencer tell me that i was a man of God. i remember running my last cross country race and coming back for Friday night, feeling the indescribable pain in my legs, and thanking God because He had given me what i had asked for.

today was the first day i was in a room with four or five different people and i saw how much they wanted God in their hearts. how sold out they were, how desperate they were to catch a glimpse of God. they wanted Him more than they wanted themselves. truly, as simple as it sounds. and i saw God satisfy.

it seems as if God is calling me to love people. to see the people that no one sees, to let myself be associated with people who haven't really had people in their lives tell them that they're okay. that they're worth time. they're worth energy. that someone would give everything away for them. and by spending time with these people, i will get to love on them. i will get to witness... that they're really no different from me. i'm just like them.

God is good. He has...fixed my problems. my dilemmas, and He has seriously turned them into something amazing. something beyond beautiful, beyond explanation and scientific reason. He has given me something to live for, something worth remembering, something worth holding close to my heart. if i didn't have God, sure. i guess i could do absolutely whatever i wanted. but that wouldn't be liberating at all. i would be living lies. and all i would have would be myself and my reputation and things like money and all those things would pass away.

but i think with God...things aren't like that at all. i think with God, it doesn't matter if i'm going through heaven or hell. it doesn't matter if everything is fine or if i hate myself and need someone to comfort me or i shot and murdered a guy and am wondering if i should do the same to myself. His love never changes. He never changes. there's a lot of things i can't understand, and a lot of things i have trouble believing. but i'm starting to let go. because i think with God... you get what you need. regardless of whatever impossibilities we attach to it, i think it's actually satisfying. it actually doesn't get old or stupid and it's not a blind faith, and you can question God and things are perhaps better that way. and i'm trying to base my life on this principle. God is life.