watch out. i'm going to go for broke. once again, my heart begins to tear at me, perhaps not from the inside out, but from the outside in. Jesus talked about this in Matthew. it isn't what man eats that makes him unclean or defiled on the inside... it's not what goes into a man, but what comes out of him that makes him unclean or defiled. well, i'm tired of being shaken so easily.
i'm tired of all of these thoughts bombarding me, and i'm not going to lie down and let them bury me alive. i'm going to go for broke again. i'm going to run that race that isn't supposed to be possible. by God, i'll run it, and i'll fall apart, but you better hold me back because i'm not quitting.
too often this has happened, where i'll fall apart and stay down. not tonight. i'm going to die another day, but this day belongs to God, and i'm going to give my all. i'm going to be undignified about it, uncomposed, exposed. do you see my weakness? i won't deny it. why would i? God is strong in it. read 1 Corinthians 1. God rather prefers me broken and weak and small. i'm a no one by anyone's standards. but the kingdom of heaven is mine. i'll thirst for righteousness and be jealous for correction, i'll be zealous for emptiness. and i'll be filled.
God, make me strong in You. lift me up by Your righteous right hand, make me strong in Your promises. make me to recognize beauty, to see that i am so sustained, so loved, so held by You. who should i fear? what should i fear? my deepest desires and dreams are known by You. my deepest scars and pains are healed by You, my hardest questions and doubts and frustrations answered by You. the weakness of my faith has not turned You away, but You have loved me and hated my sin, intolerated it, despised it. You will set me free from it because it is not pleasing to You, but i have been made pleasing in Your eye, in Your very image, and i am known by You though i am small. make me new in You, make me to sing a new song.
all my thoughts, all my heart belong to You. there is no one, no other name by which i am saved. there is no other one who cares, who sees, who loves past convenience and inconvenience. You have loved past inconvenience, to the extent of a love that does not make sense, that we cannot even comprehend. it is so great, it is even described with dimensions - oh, that we might know the height and the depth and the width of Your love. that we may begin to fathom the unfathomable, to grasp the incomprehensible. that we may be blown away by You.
i won't stop tonight. i want to max out until it is clear i am given to a greater thing to be myself. i want to be able to say i gave as much as my heart could take. not tonight am i going to lie down and complain. be valiant for truth. fight for it.
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1 comment:
And I thought you were going to talk about James Bond ...
I'm sorry you've been going through such hard times. I wish I'd read your blog earlier so I could have started praying for you earlier.
Do you want to hear my silly excuse? I actually try to keep up with your blog, but every time I think to read it, I'm reminded that I haven't updated MY blog (for various reasons, none of which are any excuse). So I tend to make these ultimatums with myself: you can't read David's blog until you've written a post. I REALLY want to read your blog, but I can be so ambivalent about mine. QED.
But as you said, don't quit. God has a much bigger plan that you can imagine. I've been getting a better picture of what He has in store for me recently, and I know that He has amazing things planned for you.
I'll be praying for you!
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