i need You

I need You so much closer

For some reason, hopefully by conviction and Godly sorrow, the true work of grace in life, I feel so in need of Christ. Like life will truly fall apart without Him. He’s the only One I want to be holding onto, the only One that matters now, and when I say now, may I truly mean for all of eternity.

I need You so much closer, and nothing less than You. Nothing else will do.

I feel like I know what David was talking about when he was so emotional about his enemies being after him, that he truly needed God for protection. If he didn’t have God, it was so clear that he wasn’t going to make it through the day, and he counted it blessing every time he woke up, because that meant that God had preserved him in that time, had guarded his heart. I feel like there really is so much waiting to grasp at my life, to pull me down, and I want to make it clear – I need God. There’s nothing else I need, and I don’t even know how much I need Him.

A guy I met said that he didn’t think it should matter what people professed they believed – he thought what really mattered was what we do, and the way we live our lives. But if things are based on what we do, then why do we need God? If God only helps those who help themselves, if God only helps people who are pure and perfect or at least headed in the right direction with their desires and motives, then why do we need God?

All of life boils down to needing God. All of life boils down to knowing God.

And perhaps it is this urgency, this actual weight on my heart that I can feel that will change the way I live. It seems as though it has been so long since I have truly needed God with my everything, when I truly let Him have me in the sense that I needed Him with everything. Every single part of me, every aspect of my life, needs Him or else I will fall to pieces. I don’t want to allow myself to fall to pieces. I don’t want to allow myself to fall away from this.

It seems so long since I cried to God. It seems so long since I lived like I need Him. The classes and days go by and I still try to save face, I allow myself to be consumed by pursuits for grades and girls and acceptance, and what do I really need? What am I saying that I need? May I say now that I need You so much closer.

Words can’t come close to say what You’ve given me, how in need of You I am. All I can do is hope to say it enough that it might begin to communicate such desperation, such radical dependence. Nothing else satisfies, no One else can redeem me from this cycle of worthless pursuit, this law of sin and death. Will I look back on my life and see that, throughout the years, I have piled up rubbish? Or will I look back and see that I lived in dangerous desperation, and God touched me and responded because there was nothing else that I was after… only Him.

who i was on 9/19/08

i don't think i can sit here and type and pretend that things are going all right. i guess i'm in a world of confusion, about a lot of things. i don't feel like i'm confidently, wholeheartedly following Christ. i really do feel so alone sometimes. i almost pledged for an Asian fraternity...they had a rush event, and i went and there was a guy there named Tony and he seemed so cool and understanding... he simply occurred as someone to talk to. and i know that's the way things are supposed to be like with God (like it's refreshing to pour your life into Him), but we weren't created to solely be with God, but to be with one another as well, like different members in a body.

i felt like crying today. i managed to get thoroughly stressed over a programming project, fell to sexual immorality, listened to a sermon about God loving us even when we were sinners, then fell to sexual immorality again, and it's 4 in the morning right now. i feel alone.

and i'm supposed to be the person who is sold out to Christ. in fact, i need myself to be that person, as much as i need others around me to be sold out.

there's this girl i like so much, but she's going out with another guy, and...well, i saw her today and spent a little bit of time with her for the first time in a while. we didn't talk though...we just sat and did homework in silence (since i had that big programming project due). the whole time that we sat in silence, i couldn't shake the feeling that i was a failure, a loser. i couldn't shake the worry that she would be saying, "i'm glad i didn't pick him. look how this other guy is so much better than he is." that's about all i that about.

Joshua Harris (author of several Christian dating books) might say (and perhaps say too sternly in my mind, though Joshua Harris probably wouldn't do that) that i should just find contentment in God right now and then wait for someone special to walk into my life. like i should almost shut off my affections and desires for relationship. i wrote a letter to myself on July 19th or so and said one goal i had was that i wanted to just be friends with this girl - just friends - and not worry about serious relationships for a while. i wanted to stay single this year. but this takes up so much of my thought space, and i don't seem to let it go.

she made me promise last school year that, no matter what happened, we would stay friends. i promised. Jon Foreman, the lead singer of Switchfoot, came out with somewhat of a worship CD, in which one of the songs is called Your Love is Strong. after the girl started going out with another guy, all i could do was feel hurt, and after a couple of times being around her this school year, i just wanted to say "my love's not strong enough to stay friends." i was praying that she would have Godly people around her that would push her on towards faith, who could guard her heart... and i wondered if i might be one of those people. i don't know. all i wanted to do today was run away.

or maybe all i wanted to happen today was for someone to stop me, look me in the eyes, and tell me "i see you." and they would see signs of brokenness, signs of love and excitement and hope, and still, signs of fatigue and depression and confusion and pain. signs of a calloused heart, signs of fond memories of the past, signs of isolation. maybe they would see someone great, maybe they would see someone with a lot of potential but bad work ethic, maybe they would see and love regardless. maybe they would touch my heart and, instead of shattering to pieces, it would solidify and be soft again, be new again. fragility replaced with firm foundation, beauty for ashes. my heart feels like ashes.

they would see that i try to try hard, but it doesn't always get reflected with my grades. they would see that sometimes i slack in my faith, i take my eyes off God and turn my back on Him. they would see the things that no one sees, know the things no one knows about me, even the things i don't know about me. they would see into me in a way that i wouldn't be able to see myself, marked by voices of discouragement and self-criticism. and i'm not talking about God seeing into me necessarily - believe it or not, i'm talking about people. i want to be seen, i want to be close to someone, i want to be seen for who i really am. i want to be known for my vulnerability and brokenness - i don't want to be known for having things together. i'd rather be the problem child, the guy who has problems and overcomes and then has more problems and has to trust God more and more, has to give everything to God because there's absolutely no other way he can survive and absolutely everyone can see that he's not going to make it through the day if he decides he's going to live for himself.

it's 4:20 am and i know i'm going to be in trouble when i'm supposed to wake up in a little less than 5 hours.

jeremy camp has a song called Empty Me, and i feel a little like that right now. i just want to be emptied. take the pain, take the pride, and everything else i try so hard to conceal from You. take the beautiful, take the ugly, take everything i am. clean off my mind, my heart, my soul. shatter my pride, don't let me wander. deliver me from temptation. don't be silent, please don't be silent. i'm not asking for a good day. i'm asking for You.

long time draft turned post #1

it's almost 3, and i know i'll be feeling that pain 6 hours from now when i wake up, but someone nearly asked for a post, so i'm going to give it. and though i feel like writing something profound and intriguing, i'm not sure i have anything deep and intriguing so far.

going through school - it's only the fourth week, and i feel like i'm beginning to struggle. the days pass by and i allow myself to be late to my classes again. all i do is try to get by - time moves too hard, and i feel as though i begin to lose control. i follow the motions and do as the world would have me do... i miss out on the day. i spend the week working so that, in the end, i might get to work some more at a higher level.

one of my friends from youth group messaged me a couple of days ago saying that she was having a hard time getting through high school - it was just too much homework, too much to do. and i could really say that i felt the same way, and the only way i got through it was looking forward to youth group on Fridays and Sundays. that was the one thing i looked forward to throughout the week, and it actually made the difference. i could get through the entire school week just waiting for Friday night when we would get together again; there were school weeks when i could feel so close to Friday night on Wednesdays. youth group events like conferences and lock-ins could excite me for weeks in advance and leave me buzzing for weeks afterwards. about a month before going to Mexico City for my first mission trip, i was going through a rough time - and just the simple idea of going to Mexico City was enough to pull me out of that frustration and excite me. i had progressed from the joys of fellowship to the joy of worshiping God to the joy of living with God - it was God 24/7 those two weeks in Mexico.

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i realize i fail as a representative of Christ. even my heart fails, my desire to know God seems to fail. time and time again, i send another nail through His body into the cross, i sell Him out for some money and a quick satisfaction, a bowl of soup in exchange for the inheritance of an eternal, unshakeable kingdom. if you saw what i did in secret, you would shake your head and say "you're not Christ like." if you saw the grade i made on my computer science project due tonight, you might stop and wonder whether i truly am who i say i am.

there's a myth that Christians have everything down, a myth that i find myself believing a lot of the time. because really, what exactly does a grade have to say about my faith? is my faith legit because i have a grade? what does a resume really say about my soul?

if i had an unlimited amount of money, i would give it away, first because i wouldn't be happy, and second to show someone that it wouldn't make them happy.

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i hear the voices of people around me. some i listen to, others i don't. and for some reason, i seem to usually listen to the negative ones, the ones that discourage me and anger me. why is that?

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my dad started going to church again. i'm not exactly sure why, but it's a pretty good thing that he's going. one summer morning, before coming to OU, i woke up trying to think of the word "volatile," thinking my home situation was like that. dangerous, like it could explode any second.

a poem (yep, not even kidding)

i wrote a poem yesterday in Physics 2 instead of listening about refrigerators and the 2nd law of thermodynamics. it was just one of those days... hope you enjoy it. i'm actually a bit excited, because this is the first poem i've written since i can remember that i tried to make rhyme (though the meter/rhyme scheme turns out to be a little funky):

my words are not elaborate
to tell of what You've done
but now, i feel so inadequate,
my heart feels hard, it burns inside
and i try so hard, but i cannot hide
my fears flood back, my faith defied,
i cannot trust myself, nor pride,
is that really so unfortunate?

when You, oh Lord, Your love so strong
Your faithfulness steady when mine has gone,
You work all around and i fail to see.
i have fallen, but You keep coming back for me.
after all of this pain and agony,
i wonder how You could keep wanting me
i wonder how, Your love so free,
could be nailed to the cross by Your own creation,
and if You're still willing, i seek vindication,
i seek Your touch, to know You more,
this cry of loneliness i cannot ignore,
but now, to see You,
i am sure,
that joy i could not imagine.

this will be one of those posts where i simply feel compelled to write, yet have nothing exactly in mind to say.

i don't want mediocre. i want to shoot for greater things, to touch the sky, to enjoy watching the impossible accomplished, and accomplished by nobodies, the weak and broken, the lowly who tell society "this is not my home." those who live for greater things than fleeting desires and put off their flesh out of hope and love, and by love.

i don't want to be held down by the bondages of sin forever. let my heart be transformed, my will conformed, with eyes that see, with a heart that pumps praise, a life that breathes in and out and resonates and points to something i cannot deny, something beyond beautiful. the world has yet to see how beautiful God truly is. i spoke to a guy in Tulsa who believed that we had only hit the tip of the iceberg with the movement of the Holy Spirit. he believed that greater things are still to be done, that we haven't seen anything yet.

touch my heart and i'll fall to pieces. Jesus was invited to a meal at a Pharisee's house, and a sinful woman came behind Him and wept uncontrollably. she wept so much that she could even wash Jesus' feet with her tears. she washed those feet with her own hair. what would i do if i knew Jesus was in town? would i weep uncontrollably before Him? would i cry out of desperation, out of brokenness, out of heartache? or would i miss it? what in the world could there be that would keep me away from Him? apparently so much, and yet it seems so little, so small.

my God is a healer. a king. my best friend, mine. my God is all powerful. He breathes life into people, and there is no darkness in Him. He sees all and holds us in His hands. He sustains and knows and feels and pursues. He moves and loves. He walked among us, was tempted, killed, and then lived some more. His disciples said "if only we had more faith..." and He told them it was just a mustard seed amount of faith to move a mountain. He associated with the outcasts, the lame and tax collectors and prostitutes. even better if you were lowly and troubled and weak and felt criticism on every side, because He came for those in specific. He is tender towards me. He has chosen me, has softened and become sensitive towards me. He cares. He loves and does not cast off. and He shows mercy. He is the ultimate lover, forgiver.

and even if He doesn't heal, my life will not be own. my life i commit into His hands

from my journal on 8/30/08

God, I want to be on fire, ignited. As You are a consuming fire, I want to be consumed, to be touched and moved, even confident in Your unrelenting love like I have not been in the past. Let me not be mistaken but know that Your heart is still towards me, You are still singing over me, and though I am marked with sin and unrighteousness, You love me. And uniquely, specifically me. You have known me and seen me - when I wasn't the smartest, fastest, greatest of any kind. You came after me and You gave me everything: You gave Your all for my all, and the weakness, fragility, and falling-short of my all.

Let me not be consumed by pleasing those around me, but seeking Your pleasure. Let me not be driven by what I don't have, but rather see that I have been given everything, that I am even complete now as I write this, not by any action of my own accord, but by One who knows the impossibility of finding completion and sufficiency aside from Him.

So let me not be burdened by not having a girlfriend or the fears of mediocrity in this world - may I come to see and enjoy things, knowing that I am not looking for the point at which things are perfect and I don't have to worry about anything. In fact, what I live for is not to see my life come together and everything be just the way I want it. I don't live for the day I can wake up next to a beautiful wife and house and income to brag about.

What do I really want?

I want to see the fullness of God. Because I believe that when I get to see Him - and all of Him - I will instantly realize who I am. I will know that, despite all of the difficulty and controversy and tension, late nights, and runs away from home, despite all of the frustrated prayers, doubts and fears, stress and work and fatigue and argument - despite pains and believing, but not seeing, despite falling and failing and being criticized by others and even yourself, the neverending daily battle of trying just to be right with God, to be in the place that you feel you need to be - despite injuries and brokenness and shortlived successes and hardships and chaos and feeling like you don't fit in, like you're looked down upon, like you are in over your head and on the brink of breaking and saying, "I just can't take this anymore..." I believe the movement I see God in His fullness and the fullness of His glory - that single instant is all I will ever need to see to rest assured that I am not alone here, and I am loved more than I would ever even comprehend - to the extent that anything I tried to do couldn't separate me from God, because He Himself is coming after me, and He Himself is literally willing to do anything to spend eternity with me. This I cannot deny, and this is the hope of my life. Not that I will live a Godly life, have a beautiful family, respectable career, and anything I could ever dream of having. My hope is in God Himself.

And He is a consuming fire.

MACCSR Windermere 08

"the fact that there is so much we can take for granted speaks volumes of how much God has really given us." - jeff, in a prayer during a worship team meeting late yesterday (Sunday) night. we had gathered to plan the setlist and debrief on how things had been going, and we left with a sense that we were part of something great, something larger than ourselves, and for that - we were going to enjoy our last set at this Labor Day MACCSR retreat. whether or not God went big - He could do as He wished - we were going to enjoy Him, because we had seen Him at work the last couple days, and it was simply something extraordinary to get to worship like we did.

it was such a privilege to get to play bass in the worship band, such a reward to get to be in the position that i found myself in. not only could i worship, but i was a leader for a small group. and right from the first meeting, i found a connection with a guy named Yuanfu, a high school kid who used to be a sponsored skateboarder. i can sincerely say that it was amazing watching him grow and seeing how God was moving in him throughout the weekend, and to see him really worship and respond to the movement of God.

the worship team had met Sunday night and planned the songs and prayed for great things to happen. i'm not sure if i was exactly expecting for something big to happen, and even if i had been expecting, what happened was surely greater. even from the beginning, i had the privilege and grace to be filled with joy. just being up there and getting to behold the sounds coming from jeff's violin and the people around me and jojo behind me worshipping was enough to keep me smiling. we did the song Amazed and then transitioned to the chorus of All I Need is You, and i think it was around that point that i lifted my hands as a point of surrender. if something was going to happen, i was not going to touch it - it would have to be God. shortly after, i saw Richard by the set and thought that i should pray for him. so i went, and he had left the set to get a drink of water, and i prayed over him. then i went and prayed for Yuanfu and, well...things started happening. towards the end of the very last song, Here I Am, someone started crying. then things exploded.

and all i could do at that point was point upwards and think "this is our God. i had nothing to do with this." i guess it was simply greater than anything i could imagine. one of those things that you might pray for, but not expect to receive. (i guess that really goes to say that God not only answers prayer, but really does go beyond our expectations.) people were crying all around, and when they did an altar call, i saw Jerry and Yuanfu go. and Chris Tsang was talking with Richard and i got to pray with Cheezit, and little groups formed of just people crying and praying over one another, sharing testimony. and i couldn't stop smiling, because God had moved, and i could not deny that.

anyways, being at Windermere was simply a great weekend. somewhat of a vacation, but, in all honesty, i enjoyed it. hearing benji speak on Jonah and getting to build relationships through basketball and hanging out... i really felt like God was moving through me. it felt like i could speak truth and even impact the lives around me. it felt like God really could reach out through me to touch a hungry and thirsty generation. this last morning, one thing continued to resonate within me: a desire for others not to have to despair, not to have to be hopeless, not to have to settle for anything less than the best. but to know that God has given more than the best, to know His unending, unrelenting, unconditional love. and to be able to rejoice and take comfort in that. the God of the heavens and earth, the God of our relationships, our families, our problems, our inconsistencies and sins and schools and jobs and fears...is for us, and not against us.

so i guess i wish to extend that prayer towards you as you read this as well. to rejoice in a loving God, to know you don't have to be burdened, to be alone, to settle for things just the way they are now. you have something greater to look forward to, even now. even when you screw up on so many different levels, you can rejoice in that you are forgiven. and even though there is a great chance that you know more than me or have seen more than me - i believe this is something that doesn't change, something foundational to my faith.

and don't forget to enjoy yourself. you are part of something great, no matter who you are. be confident in that.