my heart

frustration slowly seeps into my day. i desire greatness, i can't help it. mike bickle would say that this desire isn't bad, it's just something kinda programmed into the human psyche. i don't know how i would respond. i want greatness so much, and i am almost certain that the right answer is that i'm simply looking in the wrong places for it. i know all the stupid right answers, since when has a relationship ever been about right answers? it's always about some chemistry, some connection that you can't explain to anyone and works for reasons beyond knowledge. it hardly has anything to do with knowledge, relationships are usually simply created or born.

keep this in mind, i say this with no discretion. i think i'm rather moody right now.

i feel like i've given up on God. daniel said it was like i screwed up, and God said something, but the devil or whatever distorted it so all i heard and felt was shame, sin, guilt, stupidity, foolishness, crap. well, yeah. i feel like an idiot. no amount of knowledge will provide breakthrough - no amount of knowledge on my part, i mean.

do you believe in miracles? because if God is hope, and God has given us Himself, then He has given us hope. He has given salvation, beauty, perfection, truth. if He's taken our place and given us His, a spot in the kingdom, that shouldn't be a small deal. that shouldn't be easily overlooked. but i still can't connect it.

i want a girlfriend. you probably know what i mean unless you're a girl. i want someone who gets me. someone seems to say "come on, choose God first." i know that's the right answer. i know it. i've even endorsed it. besides, no offense, but a girlfriend wouldn't solve my problems like God would. but regardless, i still want a girlfriend

i am pretty sure i am selfish right now. i am pretty sure i want everything to be about me. why don't i change? why not change? they say God is worthy. they say He's the only One. the only One worthy of anything, really. i guess, in the real sense of the word, it means that He's the only One with real worth. but i know that's sort of a contradiction, because He still died for us. we couldn't have been worthless if someone with worth sacrificed for us. we couldn't, could we?

i want good grades. not as much as i used to. i still like prospering in school. i like to show people that i'm good at things. i like running simply for the cool sensation of running and feeling fast and pushing myself, but i guess i like it because i can show off sometimes too. i like doing a Rubik's cube, but i must admit that sometimes i do it just to impress. i take a lot of pride in what i do, and i'm not necessarily thinking "i'm better than you," but sometimes i am and sometimes i dare to think i don't need God's blessing to do them.

i heard something that was worth doing was taking a step back and attempting to look at your life as honestly, directly, and impartially as you can. well... i see someone who is very talented, so very obviously blessed by God even if he can't compare to other people. i see someone with a mom who loves and a sister who loves and a youth group around him and an old youth pastor who would do lots of things still now and a best friend who can relate to me and keep me from feeling lonely. i have an old girlfriend who - well, i had a girlfriend in the first place, which is a lot of excitement, and i guess i learned a lot after we broke up. i have friends who are nice, funny and talented, and very respectful.

i value a lot trying my hardest, though probably not as much as i used to. i used to think about trying my hardest at the smallest of things, the things that nobody would ever know of, because i had a theory and perhaps still do that that was when God was watching - when nobody else was. i try hard at school, at running, at relationships, with varied success. i get mad at myself when i don't max out, and i know that i have felt like somewhat of a cheapskate if i'm not completely exhausted at the end of the school week. i like having the pressure on me because i think i can handle it, but some of the times, i can't, like in an old relationship.

i don't usually hold grudges, but i think i've held one against mike for a little bit.

i like playing the piano, that has become a nice escape for me. i think Lisa would be proud, but i still can't play anywhere near her or fathomhow she plays. and i could use some new guitar strings.

i like knowing mike and daniel, but i think the roles they play in my life have, at times, been too large. they're influence has been too much, so that i end up listening to them instead of God. and though they're intentions may be totally sound, it is still to my dismay, because my heart would be, at times, unconsciously or subconsciously following.

1 John says that if we confess our sins, then He is faithful and just to forgive us and sins. what does that say about God? that He is still faithful to His betrayers? that He would die for mortal man, knowing full well what He was doing when He died on the cross

i don't know what i would do for the cross. i think i would still die for it, right now, but i don't know. i don't know what i would die for, but i'll die regardless, and hope that i did something with my life. and i think a lot of people, including me, would say that i did. but my life's not over. there are still big things at stake. if God gave everything away just for me, as weird as it sounds, than the stakes are huge. and looking back on my testimony, i think one could easily point out that God must be after me. He really must be pursuing me. He's been faithful and just so far. somewhere else it says that God will be faithful and just to complete the work He started in each one of us.

i got addicted to The Office one night, the week before school started, and watched a season and a half in one night. i watched it primarily because of the relationship between Jim and Pam. i wanted something beautiful to be in my life, something like a perfect fit, something anyone could look at and want as well. i'm not sure if that's selfish, it might just be a desire for greatness. to have a life that reads like a movie.

i really need to figure out what i'm going to do with my life. i'm not talking about career, not at all. i need to take a stand and grab ahold of my life and determine which way i'm gonna go. i think God really lets us choose for or against Him. if i'm not going to live for God, i better not deceive myself and say that i still will. if i'm going to live for God, i want to go all out again. i want to have the exhilaration, the satisfaction, the surreality of a race, of giving my all, of spending myself and maxing out. and yet i say that over and over again, and i'm not sure what happens in the end. i've probably made that kind of statement of faith and commitment at least 50 times, and i probably only meant it 10 or 15 times. but i bet, those 10 or 15 times, though i eventually ended up stumbling again, that God really worked in me. or else i wouldn't be here now. maybe God really is faithful and just. maybe i have nothing to worry about. maybe it really is something as simple as fascination. maybe it's not "going to work" everyday because it's what i want to be doing with my life.

so many times we run into things that we do but don't enjoy. some go for the big paying jobs, not because they enjoy them, but like the wages, the position of power or social status. there's a difference between discipline and straight up misuse or bribery.

matthew west came out with a new CD two days ago. you can find it at his myspace, he has a great song called You Are Everything, which you could also find on youtube. it turns out that God took away his voice for two months last year, and he couldn't speak or sing. when God gave his voice back, matthew west came out with this CD with the theme "i've got something to say."

i keep writing up here or reading about how it's not supposed to be about works or knowledge. that relationship with God really has actually nothing to do with tithing. i guess praying is something a little different, but only real praying. i think praying requires a very conscious and deliberate effort to speak to God, though it will probably only feel like this at first, and then it will probably become a lot more comfortable and natural. i'm not sure what to say about the Bible. John starts off saying that God was the Word. but, then again, reading the Bible really isn't a requisite to being saved - it's conditions of the heart. but perhaps the Bible is very necessary for healthy relationship with God - and flourishing relationship with God. well, i mean, one would think - if one is in love with God, there is no reason why one shouldn't also be in love with God's love letter, which is what some call the Bible (and it really is. it's a message or a testimony of God's love, His story)

i don't know what i'm going to do. i wasn't trying to look at girls at all because i didn't want to personally endorse the idea of getting a girlfriend, and i don't think God will really allow me that kind of pleasure right now. but maybe it should be redeemed. maybe it should be redeemed just as i was redeemed from other things. maybe my eyes only need to be matured like i needed to be matured. if the church is like the body of Christ, made up of several distinct, individual members, and some of those members are alive and working, and some of those members are hurting or have issues going on, then maybe it's like that with my body as well. the first thing that changed when God saved me was my heart and then my mind - something like that - and now maybe God will redeem and mature my eyes.

maybe i should give God all of me. i think that's the only way to do it, and i hear that's what God demands from each of us. He wants to be in the driver's seat, to have complete control over our lives. after God delivered the Israelites from Egypt, they wandered in the wilderness, and the Israelites, God's chosen people, continued to nag Moses when things got tough, asking him why he had brought them from Egypt's hand only to die a more terrible death in the wilderness. they asked for food and water and God sent manna and water out of a rock. and God led them around as a cloud in the day and fire in the night. that really must be something. fire in the night.