clearance and closure

not more than a year or two ago, i had a fascination with what no one saw. i thought that made a lot of someone's composure - the way they acted when no one was watching them. half of this came from not being seen. there was a small corridor in the arts building where i would eat by myself, and i wouldn't really mind eating alone because i could think to myself, relax, read a Bible without worrying, and listen to music. that was if i chose to eat. it wasn't too often that i would skip to do homework, which seemed more beneficial than eating. i would do a lot, but i always seemed to be in the background, behind the scenes. running is, in large part, not done by amateurs to be seen or for the glory - there's a lot of work for mediocrity on the running scene; i guess i just enjoyed it. and i would drive home from school exhausted after long days of cross country and working tech, wondering if anyone saw me.

and it was okay, because God was there. i still wanted someone to share it with though, a shoulder to lean on, i guess. okay, well i'm talking about a girlfriend. not to complete me. to share it with, i guess. i don't really know why i'm talking about this. i guess what i'm really trying to say is... i'm not sure. God, i pray i would just get back to wanting you to see me and letting that be enough. i pray i would worship with the things that no one ever sees, knowing that You're watching my every move, and may that be the source of my satisfaction. may my eyes just be wholly fixed on You, completely fascinated with Your goodness. may You complete me.

umm...oh yeah. i remember where i was going. my life, lately, has been very similar to the days when no one saw me. nothing really seems to be going on. all i did today was mess with a rubik's cube, eek out a hard 4 miles (my legs were tired...is my excuse), eat lunch at 5 and dinner around 6, and hang out with Jojo. i improved my Rubik's 3x3 time to about 55 seconds, only by freak accident, and i think it kinda sucks to consider that the highlight of my day. really, nothing happened. i kinda don't want to just hang out or relax. i'm already getting enough sleep at the time, but sometimes i just don't have the initiative to do things, and i kinda want the initiative. to read a book or something. i hardly got through 4 miles. i stopped at 3 and laid in the lawn of a church for maybe five minutes wondering if i could make it back home.

anyways, that's what's been going on with me lately. after we got back from Kansas City and had the New Year's party, it was Tuesday. spent the rest of the week thinking about playing worship on Friday and what i would say, and it turns out that God really did show up. the Holy Spirit was present, everything different in a split second. Jojo was glued to the ground for 30 minutes, i would guesstimate, and he could only feel his head for the longest time. he said it felt like God had punched him in the stomach, a knockout. phong was also glued to the ground for a similar time period, and he couldn't speak. after a while, he got up and proceeded to eat a lot of food. i might post on what i said that night. afterwards, we spent Saturday playing basketball at the BA, and it was a lot of fun. that was about it - Sunday was combined service, but youth group was nice. i'm not sure whether i'll have another Friday night or Sunday with the youth, but hopefully things will continue to get better.

---continuation on 1/11/08 - 2:40 am---
back at OU, things are quiet, and going by unseen is not so hard. i could be in hiding without even knowing it. i learned earlier today that my roommate is transferring to the University of Houston, so it will be even easier not to be seen, to be captivated by the deceptively simple concept of being seen by God, to be entertained and thrilled that my life is being shared with my Creator. so i'll be without roommate for around a month, at least, and then i might get another roommate or not.

as for things today, well...a late night lap yesterday combined with becoming hooked on the show The Office meant falling asleep around six. i hit 47 seconds on my rubik's cube, but again - hopefully that won't be my day's highlight. nothing really happened though. i ran until i was almost sure my left couldn't take anymore (which was actually, i think, not more than an hour). i guess maybe my highlight could be doing a devotional by Beth Moore called After God's Own Heart...but even that seems like a stretch. nothing really happened.

maybe the highlights are in the things so easily taken for granted, the things so easily forgotten and overlooked. what happened today?