rare vulnerability

hey guys. things are going well, i guess. but i'm in some kind of strange stage right now. i don't know. i just keep singing Who am I.

yesterday i ran for a little over an hour in the cold and then played basketball. today i went back to go play basketball instead of going to Chi Alpha, which i think i was supposed to go to. but honestly, i didn't really want to go to it. not at all. so i went and played basketball instead, and it was fun, and i was trying to be humble and have fun like i did last night, but tonight was just sorta different. i got the feeling that i was being a bit of a jerk, so i backed off for a while in the first game. i still got some good plays, but i stopped saying things. i have a tendency of becoming too aggressive when i play.

anyways, i ended up playing with the Asians. it was pretty cool, and then my calf spasmed out. so i sat out. i think i was being a jerk. regardless if i was or not, the guy i was guarding didn't think i was being much of a jerk, even after i sorta hit him in the head trying to get a rebound (i'm not sure if it's as bad as it sounds). and then one of them invited me to the Asian fraternity, TKO. and i felt like i had abandoned God.

and i don't know, but i feel vulnerable. i'm pretty tired. but really i just want to fall asleep on someone or watch a movie with someone. i want the reassurance that i can't screw up, some weird insistence that not only am i okay, but i'm loved. and so i kept on singing Who Am I, trying to figure out identity. and when i got to the chorus and it said "still You hear me when i'm calling, Lord, You catch me when i'm falling," i don't know. it wasn't like fireworks going off.

but it was like i had a very clear solution right in front of me.

it's like i know that i shouldn't try to compete for girls or at sports or for superiority at anything, because it doesn't really satisfy. not to undermine the coolness of it, it's just...

what i'm trying to communicate is simply that i feel fragile. i feel very fragile.