i have a problem [w/myself]

okay... four words that might shock you.

internet pornography and masturbation.

some people are bold in that they'll readily address the topic, but those are the people who probably don't struggle with it...they've overcome it. i struggle with it. in fact, i guess, if anything, let this destroy me. my hands are bloody, my body defiled. i am impure. but let me be real now.

it's a concept of beauty. i think beauty is well outlined in the Bible. 1 Peter 3 tells wives: "Do not let your adornment be merely outward - arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel - rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God," and so it continues. the beautiful wife also gets the very last chapter in Proverbs: "Strength and honor are her clothing; she shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness."

man. i screw up... i do. if it's anything that disqualifies me from any relationship, it's this weakness or failure. because honestly, i've struggled with this quite a bit, and i've experienced both failure and success, but i'm losing it now. i can't compromise with lust. but i have. and now i don't know what to do.

i have distanced myself from God, taking a couple steps back. slipped up. i'll be very real that i don't know what i'm doing. i'll be very real that my concept of beauty is distorted whenever i step online and refuse to uphold integrity. i'll be all the more real that i don't know if i feel this. i can write these words and there's no telling if i'll slip up again in the next days, the next hours even. it's that big of a problem, that big of a deal. the Bible talks about people falling apart and away from God because they fall in love with their sin, because they allow themselves to be given over to their own lewdness and unrighteousness. Ephesians says you can know that no fornicator or unrighteous person will make it to heaven.

God, who do You say i am? for You know my ways and You know my sin. nothing is hidden from You. i can't help but believe that You're a bit disappointed in me. but Your love and Your promises remain... and i guess i need them more than ever to be real. i don't want to say words that are crap and to deceive myself and those who watch me. if i'm a Christian, let me be solid in Your ways. Your grace has always been there. guide me in Your steps. make it black and white. redefine beauty for me, redefine what i do with my time and what i do with my computer. keep me from frustration, but put dissatisfaction in me. i gotta get closer to You. i gotta do what i say i believe. no more compromise. no more foolishness. no more of myself. let me decrease, and let me mean that.

i spend so much of my time hiding. i guess... if i know you, we never have to talk about this. but i'm putting it out there. and there is no condemnation, guilt, or shame... for the life that is founded in God, for the one who accepts God's upward calling. what i do...is deserving of condemnation, guilt, and shame. what i do...it's classless, lacking integrity, the very meaning of the word perverse or perverted. let it be removed from me. but how can i say that when i hardly know if i mean it? i don't want to love my sin...i don't love what it does to me, but anyone can say that. who could look into a porn star's eyes and hold strong to the love of Christ? that's who i need to be. who saves the porn stars? who saves the Hollywood actors, the people who practically ask to be used for human entertainment? who can stand up and look them in their eyes, push everything aside and hold on to integrity, and ask them about their problems, ask them where they are struggling. who can treat them like people?

man. my way is crooked. i have a very real problem, i'll admit and expose it. there's something wrong with the picture if i am so ready to run physically and yet i refuse to run the race spiritually. i am missing out on something if i am unwilling to run a race of purity and integrity - one race that matters - and am focused on the things of this world, things that have already begun to pass away. i don't think i'm being too hard on myself...it's not a light topic. it's adultery.

i need to get right. like actually get right. actually go back to the heart of worship, actually go back to the cross. it's not a salvation-damnation question. but i need to lay my desires down and my sins, for my sin is no small deal. i need to be cleansed, to be re-oriented to who i am to be. i need to find out what i'm doing, stick to that, and run foolishly to that. no more of this flesh stuff. i need to step up and do what i believe in.

it's a concept of beauty.

God, i need You to never let go. i need You to tackle me to the ground before You let me be an idiot against You. i need You to show me how to live against this world, to live valiantly against my own ways, my old man. i need You to make me new again. to put inside of me a repentant heart, a lowly heart, one that knows who i am and who You are. i need to be humbled. none of this hype. please give me eyes that see and ears that hear, in accordance to Your will. let me not be deceived, may i be purified instead. may my ways be like Yours, may my heart be like Yours. may i not be tripped up by these "weak and beggarly elements" but may i realize that there are things going on that are so much bigger than my own problems and inconveniences. there are bigger battles going on, and this is the race i need to be running more than anything else. there's nothing more important than this.

God, i pray. keep me from saying crap. i don't want to return to the idea of Christianity, to Christian morals. even if i am delivered from lust for the wrong reasons, i have fallen. let me return to You, the real You. let me not put You in a box or limit You or treat You like some kind of heartless god. let me not control my own life nor depend on my own ability. everything i need can be found in You. all good gifts are from above.

God, i need Your forgiveness and Your love. i need Your tender mercies that are new every morning, because my sin is before You and i know it is not pleasing in any way to You. it's an abomination to Your heart, it has nothing to do with You or Your ways. let me not separate myself to shame, let me not separate myself to short-lived commitment. let me be steadfast and faithful, let me be real. let me fall in love with You though i am feeble and weak, i am man, and no one that You should be mindful of me. my hands are stained with blood, my heart a shallow grave. but in You i find redemption. God, i need You. please call my name. i don't know the things i do. i have sinned against You, but please don't turn Your back on me. i know i can't promise anything, but please have Your way in me. make me desperate again. show me love and faithfulness again, show me how to have it towards You. i've fallen - i fall and fall again. it is not hidden from You. my ways are before You. chasten me and let me know it. let me know that i am not my own. let me know that i must live for Your glory. change my ways. for i am far from Christ like.

may i not be given over to the shamefully distorted desires of my flesh and of this world. i don't need sex. i don't need money. i don't need the GPA or the high paying job. social popularity or relationships. why should i want to be esteemed by this world and yet lose my soul? why should i seek after these pointless highs while i ignore the most satisfying and worthy of pursuits, the very thing i was created to experience and love. i have no other purpose than to be Yours, to worship Your name. why all the distraction, all the temptation? let me return to be Yours.

strength does not come from me, it comes from You. anything that happens, You have let it happen. God, i pray. shatter the world's influence on me. bring me back to You. hide me away in Your refuge and refuse to let go until my eyes are solidly fixed upon You. i can't take it again. i can't take another fall. i don't know what i would do if i fell again. You can do years of work in seconds, there is nothing You cannot do. have Your will in me, and i will know it. the world will know it, and all the nations will see. i'll proclaim it in the assembly, i'll speak the words with actual conviction, words heavy from truth. "God beat out porn and masturbation in me and i should be in hell right now, but for some reason, God wanted me even when i was spitting in His face. i'm the reason He died - i killed Him and He loved me in response."

one of the Psalms says that David refused to give any comfort to himself, any sleep to his eyes, until he had made sure there was a temple for God. Paul starts talking about how we are living temples, and that it is sexual immorality that is like joining the body of Christ, the temple of God, to a harlot. if i'm a living temple, let me give no sleep to my eyes until God can rest in me, until i am consecrated for God, until i have been humbled. things used to be that black and white. if things were right with God, things were good. if things weren't, things needed to change.

"Direct my steps by Your word,
and let no iniqutiy have dominion over me.
Redeem me from the oppression of man,
That I may keep Your precepts.
Make Your face shine upon Your servant,
And teach me Your statutes."
-Psalm 119:133-135