just the way it is (sweet set)

things are looking up.

actually, it's quite amazing, to say the least. ATF was a bit of a disappointment. i mean, you can feel God there, but it seemed like it was just feeling. not that much depth or substance. at the end, people were going crazy and doing things that they would only do with the presence of God. and then it was just over. i wanted to go over to billy's house to play worship, but it was late, and we couldn't.

we decided to get to church the next morning a little early so we could play around and worship. we got there and all the chairs were stacked up against some walls, and we didn't really play. Chris came and asked us if we wanted to play, and he would sing. so Billy ended up playing keyboard and i ended up playing guitar, and Chris sang. Chris only picked out two songs: You are God Alone and the Heart of Worship, and we ran through You are God Alone before anybody showed up. Chris said we would just go wherever the Spirit led.

turns out that we were playing the chorus chords (just four, over and over again) to You are God Alone in the beginning, and Chris started praying. and...well. something crazy just happened.

you know, we never even sang the song. (we didn't even have the sermon) i started off...trying to worship. but it was my own strength. i don't know how it got prompted, but i ended up on my knees realizing that i just need God. that i don't want myself, and even my own worship isn't great. my own worship doesn't cause change, doesn't really move me, doesn't really move mountains. and my own efforts aren't great. i wanted so much change to happen at ATF, and i don't know what happened. my eyes weren't really on myself, i was praying for others most of the time. i wasn't all that honest or vulnerable with myself. but nobody really seemed changed except Jerry.

but this morning my eyes were shifted off of myself. the kind of change that i wanted in myself and in the youth group...could only come from God. and in a rare moment of vulnerability, i realized i just needed God. that there was nothing else, nothing left. and though the world fascinated me with its religions and gold, it was all just gonna pass away, just like i will. just like i sorta feel like i was doing all of these religious and perhaps Godly things out of my own accord, when actually, i wasn't exactly touching the heart of God, but rather somewhat entertaining myself. i was deceived and deceiving myself.

it just wasn't getting through to me. because i was doing these things out of my own accord, i wasn't exactly falling in love. i wasn't exactly changing. i would have my spiritual ups, and then my spiritual downs. i'm not exactly steadfast. but even then - it occurred that it didn't matter where i had been before this. in fact, all that mattered was right now. that God broke through for me, and for God to have all of me in this time, to have His complete unrestrained will in my life, without any part of my heart closed off to Him.

i think that was when i stopped singing songs and started truly worshiping. i think i started realizing that i was having trouble loving people because...i wasn't doing it out of love for God. because i was doing it out of my own accord, not fully dependent on God, and not fully looking for the glory to go to God. i had all these reservations about being better, about some glory for myself, and it was affecting the way i had been looking at people for so long. that i could look at someone and not see the beauty of their life, that the very love of God that had been somehow extended to me wasn't extended to them in exactly the same way.

even when i read my Bible, it seemed like i wasn't really looking at God. i mean, i was sorta looking after God, and sorta going after Him. but...i don't know. it's like i was seriously lacking that desperation. that cry, "God, i need You to break through. i just need You to be God, i need You to grab hold of my life and give me something of value today, God, to bring me closer to You so i am freed from this world and the lusts of my flesh and the pride of my life that so often ensnares me." i was doing the right things, and i had some of the right intentions, but...man. today, i just got lit with passion and fire again.

and i went and prayed for Vincent, and i actually had prayed earlier that God would bring Him there, and He came. and Billy was playing keyboard and he nailed so many crazy riffs that i really couldn't believe it and he was really good...it was simply God, and billy would agree. and Chris just kept on praying and praying and he said some great things, like how it didn't matter where we had been in the past, but it was just about now, and coming forward and kneeling down before God. and i went and prayed for Jerry, and it was just unbelievable, because i think i really was able to love on him. i was able to say that, no matter where everyone had been, everybody in the room was on the same page, everybody in the room had such a need for God, and He alone was the only One who was ever going to please us and satisfy us, and we rarely know it like that, with conviction, but man. i was so blessed to know it this morning.

[i never really realized it like that, but i think it's very true. it's how a mature Christian, a beginning Christian, a lukewarm Christian, and a non-Christian, can all stand in a room and know that they are just like each other. because in that moment, regardless of where each person has been and what each person has done and seen and maybe even believed, they all need God with such an urgency that nothing else could even matter. and i argue that this is really what life is about. returning God's immeasurable love with the small love that we can muster]

and i think i started letting go. before that, i had all this unnecessary pressure on myself to really touch the youth group, to really get them out of the rut that they seemed to be stuck in. but i think i realized...what we all need, is not the work of men, but simply the unparalleled work of God in our lives. that's what Christianity is - God - and that's perhaps the downfall of the American church - that it is the work of men without God. and what i believe in...isn't what i can do and isn't what the solution to my problems that man has devised and concocted. i believe in a God who really is omnipotent and really does know no end, a God whose work changes and fixes and brings resolve to our lives in a way that no man can work, not even ourselves in our own lives. i don't need to be this super Christian guy. i want to lay down and fall in love with God every day. i want to burn with passion and make sure glory ascends to Him. because i'm not gonna be the solution to my problems or yours. but God is. and He will be. and that's just the way it is.

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yeah, so praise God. this morning was great, and well, time doesn't exactly stop in that moment. life continues. three more weeks to the end of school. paper due Thursday, math test Wednesday. but i'm looking up. man...i'm finally looking up.