hey guys. things have turned out interestingly. two weeks left to summer, and God is working more and more in me. today has been a little...troublesome or difficult. just my thoughts. i guess i'm being a bit of a jerk in my thought life, or God has opened up my eyes to see more sin within myself. but in all honesty, i really don't think i'm being deceived when i say the following lines.
God has really blessed me lately. a couple weeks ago, i began praying that i could be faithful to God and that i would have passion for Him. i think about a month ago, i was going to all of these campus ministries because it was a very Christian thing to do and it had become ritualistic religious practice and, among other reasons, i felt unfaithful to God. well, i really think He's answered my prayers, and more and more, i come to see how blessed i really am. things might not be perfect in my eyes, but perfection is hardly what i'm going for. for God to abide in me and me in Him, to get to be a descendant of Abraham, to be faithful to God to the point of foolishness and death, is what i'm going for. to delight in His statutes and move mountains by faith and die daily and slip outside of the public eye...that is what i should be going for.
still, more and more, i find myself seeming to slip. i catch myself saying things incredibly idiotic and arrogant and thinking things that can hardly be considered Christ-like... i don't know, but even sin should just press me on more towards Christ.
i guess these are huge bounds though. with the prayer night last week in the background, it seems like i am beginning to lean more on Christ, to spend time with Him in prayer, though i admit my time in the Bible hasn't been very consistent. i guess i could definitely use some change, though it seems like i've been brought so far already.
but God moves around me and continues to draw me near though i seem to be half conscious and half honest when i talk to Him some mornings, threatening rebellion and forgetfulness. but i guess i really can't forget. let me not be disillusioned either. two weeks to go and we'll see how things go at home. looking for more consistent quiet times and anticipation of a trip to San Francisco, perhaps all too hopeful (, as well as more piano and more running). and honestly, it'll be interesting to see. i really can't wait for the next fall semester, because i really think big things are starting to happen. let me not compromise dependence, but in humility, seek after One and only One.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
one thing i can't forget
there's one thing i want to do today, and one thing only. i want to give my heart away. i have a test in about an hour that i might be ready for, and i have a test tomorrow. and it would be so great to just give my heart away.
the Restoration group has planned 12 hours of prayer at a coffeeshop with a prayer house owned by a Norman mega-church. we had it in the planning process for about two weeks and were praying about it yesterday night and there was grace, but there was also consciousness. i mean, barely two more weeks of school left - the year is coming to an end. and i must admit, it sorta feels like God has preparing us for this tiny, almost-secret event the whole year, that He's been working in our hearts and occurring to us to bring us to a point like this, and we'll just spend the night praying and wrapped up in His arms, being brought closer and knowing more the God we've come to know a day at a time, a prayer at a time.
so...i thought i would post up here, because there's this anticipation of just being honest. i'm not sure if i expect catharsis, but...i certainly expect to meet God tonight. and i think i'll only be disappointed if i don't give my heart away. i want to pour out my heart and be honest about everything for an hour - to have eyes that see into my life and lay down everything i have and have done as an offering - and i know that God will respond and answer my cries. i don't need to be touched in a super supernatural kind of way or peace or spiritual highs. i just want to be desperate and to pour out my heart tonight, to have God wash over me, because i know He's everywhere we turn.
and then...sometime, He'll breakthrough. it'll be painfully shattering, groundbreaking, paradigm shifting. it'll be...out of this world, a thing of beauty, a force to be reckoned with, an unparalleled splendor. man, it'll be something exciting.
so...here's my post. i really hope to be someone new the next time i post up here. because one day in His courts is better than thousands elsewhere...and maybe i won't spend an entire day today, but i'm at least going to spend a couple hours, and i do proclaim that God is good.
the Restoration group has planned 12 hours of prayer at a coffeeshop with a prayer house owned by a Norman mega-church. we had it in the planning process for about two weeks and were praying about it yesterday night and there was grace, but there was also consciousness. i mean, barely two more weeks of school left - the year is coming to an end. and i must admit, it sorta feels like God has preparing us for this tiny, almost-secret event the whole year, that He's been working in our hearts and occurring to us to bring us to a point like this, and we'll just spend the night praying and wrapped up in His arms, being brought closer and knowing more the God we've come to know a day at a time, a prayer at a time.
so...i thought i would post up here, because there's this anticipation of just being honest. i'm not sure if i expect catharsis, but...i certainly expect to meet God tonight. and i think i'll only be disappointed if i don't give my heart away. i want to pour out my heart and be honest about everything for an hour - to have eyes that see into my life and lay down everything i have and have done as an offering - and i know that God will respond and answer my cries. i don't need to be touched in a super supernatural kind of way or peace or spiritual highs. i just want to be desperate and to pour out my heart tonight, to have God wash over me, because i know He's everywhere we turn.
and then...sometime, He'll breakthrough. it'll be painfully shattering, groundbreaking, paradigm shifting. it'll be...out of this world, a thing of beauty, a force to be reckoned with, an unparalleled splendor. man, it'll be something exciting.
so...here's my post. i really hope to be someone new the next time i post up here. because one day in His courts is better than thousands elsewhere...and maybe i won't spend an entire day today, but i'm at least going to spend a couple hours, and i do proclaim that God is good.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
i'll hold my breath
hey guys. sorry, i'm a little out of it. nothing deep right now, just...surface level emotion.
today was a long day. i probably shouldn't complain about my day, it's just...been longer than usual. physically taxing. American Federal Gov at 9, alarm went off at 8:40 and i woke up at 9, so i got there in time for what was important. Calc at 12, feeling kinda dead. wandered around for about half an hour looking for a piano, then finally settled down to actually do my homework for my 3 o'clock class (which, in a semi-funny way, actually isn't due until next week. it's funny because i've been slacking or having difficulty understanding the material and i actually figured this stuff out...a week before i needed to). Applied Logic from 3 to 4:15. Digital Design Lab from 5 to 7. Math 3113 Test Review Session 7 to 8:20. Running 8:30 to 9:10. CRU 9:10 to 10:30, i guess that was the highlight. i was torn between going to a prayer thing from 11 to 12 and going to play basketball.
i had gone to the prayer thing last week (and actually blogged about it, it should be about two back), so i ended up going again, and it wasn't the same. i knew it wasn't supposed to be about feeling, but i still wasn't happy to be there, so i left because i didn't want to be there pretending like it was the right thing to do when i just didn't want to be there. so i went and caught one game of basketball before the gym closed. now i gotta go play piano for a guitarist.
i don't know. i just feel lonely. i used to write up here things that pertained to my life, it was like catharsis or emotion on paper, it was a way of getting my thoughts out of my head. we sang Blessed Be Your Name in CRU today, and i only smiled when it said "Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me, when the world's all that it should be" because as much difficulty as i go through, i know that i'm still gonna have a time to look forward to when things flow like harmony.
i guess my faith is a huge part of my life, it really does get me through each day. so much of my life has changed because instead of defining myself by failures, shortcomings, or short lived success, i began to be defined by who God said i was, and the challenge of much of my Christian life was trying to see this and be this person that God insisted that i was. when we were at the oneThing conference, the last night, i prayed things over Billy that i had never ever prayed before.
those actually weren't my words. they were God's words. telling him that there was actually no shame, no guilt, no reason for disappointment in him. that God had died for that reason, that in Him and by His love, there is no condemnation for those who believe in Him. those who have this hope in Him purify themselves, just as He is pure, reads a verse from 1 John. i prayed that he wouldn't be upset, he wouldn't get down on himself if he wasn't feeling it. because even if he wasn't feeling it, he was still so loved, and there was no reason that he should get mad at himself for not feeling it. because God's love is so sufficient, it didn't even matter. rather he felt it or not, there was and is nothing wrong with him. nor will there be.
there will be time for apologies and stumbling and getting back up, but that's it. you say you're sorry and you move on. it's over. the Bible says that God will have washed Israel so clean that people will look for Israel's sins and wrongdoings and literally not be able to find them. their sins will be removed from them as far as the east is from the west. as white as snow. there is nothing wrong with you. that, i believe, is what God is saying.
and that really is the hope of my life. that really is how i've gotten to be who i am. believing that God has defined me, and that God's love has set me free and set me in the right. there's nothing else. it was nothing on my part. it was God.
---
man. lots of tests coming up, lots of stress. i really need God to be real. i need Him to be the stake of my life, for time and this world move like crazy, and i'm lost as long as i have forgotten He who is greater than this world, who is bigger than my imagination, the air that i breathe and the circumstances i lose sleep over. in fact, He's bigger than sleep. and that is great, because i need Him to be bigger than sleep.
there will be a day when i don't live off of sleep, but i live off of God. haha, and that day might be fast approaching. less than three weeks of school to go.
today was a long day. i probably shouldn't complain about my day, it's just...been longer than usual. physically taxing. American Federal Gov at 9, alarm went off at 8:40 and i woke up at 9, so i got there in time for what was important. Calc at 12, feeling kinda dead. wandered around for about half an hour looking for a piano, then finally settled down to actually do my homework for my 3 o'clock class (which, in a semi-funny way, actually isn't due until next week. it's funny because i've been slacking or having difficulty understanding the material and i actually figured this stuff out...a week before i needed to). Applied Logic from 3 to 4:15. Digital Design Lab from 5 to 7. Math 3113 Test Review Session 7 to 8:20. Running 8:30 to 9:10. CRU 9:10 to 10:30, i guess that was the highlight. i was torn between going to a prayer thing from 11 to 12 and going to play basketball.
i had gone to the prayer thing last week (and actually blogged about it, it should be about two back), so i ended up going again, and it wasn't the same. i knew it wasn't supposed to be about feeling, but i still wasn't happy to be there, so i left because i didn't want to be there pretending like it was the right thing to do when i just didn't want to be there. so i went and caught one game of basketball before the gym closed. now i gotta go play piano for a guitarist.
i don't know. i just feel lonely. i used to write up here things that pertained to my life, it was like catharsis or emotion on paper, it was a way of getting my thoughts out of my head. we sang Blessed Be Your Name in CRU today, and i only smiled when it said "Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me, when the world's all that it should be" because as much difficulty as i go through, i know that i'm still gonna have a time to look forward to when things flow like harmony.
i guess my faith is a huge part of my life, it really does get me through each day. so much of my life has changed because instead of defining myself by failures, shortcomings, or short lived success, i began to be defined by who God said i was, and the challenge of much of my Christian life was trying to see this and be this person that God insisted that i was. when we were at the oneThing conference, the last night, i prayed things over Billy that i had never ever prayed before.
those actually weren't my words. they were God's words. telling him that there was actually no shame, no guilt, no reason for disappointment in him. that God had died for that reason, that in Him and by His love, there is no condemnation for those who believe in Him. those who have this hope in Him purify themselves, just as He is pure, reads a verse from 1 John. i prayed that he wouldn't be upset, he wouldn't get down on himself if he wasn't feeling it. because even if he wasn't feeling it, he was still so loved, and there was no reason that he should get mad at himself for not feeling it. because God's love is so sufficient, it didn't even matter. rather he felt it or not, there was and is nothing wrong with him. nor will there be.
there will be time for apologies and stumbling and getting back up, but that's it. you say you're sorry and you move on. it's over. the Bible says that God will have washed Israel so clean that people will look for Israel's sins and wrongdoings and literally not be able to find them. their sins will be removed from them as far as the east is from the west. as white as snow. there is nothing wrong with you. that, i believe, is what God is saying.
and that really is the hope of my life. that really is how i've gotten to be who i am. believing that God has defined me, and that God's love has set me free and set me in the right. there's nothing else. it was nothing on my part. it was God.
---
man. lots of tests coming up, lots of stress. i really need God to be real. i need Him to be the stake of my life, for time and this world move like crazy, and i'm lost as long as i have forgotten He who is greater than this world, who is bigger than my imagination, the air that i breathe and the circumstances i lose sleep over. in fact, He's bigger than sleep. and that is great, because i need Him to be bigger than sleep.
there will be a day when i don't live off of sleep, but i live off of God. haha, and that day might be fast approaching. less than three weeks of school to go.
Friday, April 18, 2008
you have no reason of knowing
sorry. sorta jumbled thoughts.
---
i was thinking if i tried to explain to someone that i believed God had told me something, then i perceived the following question: "How do you know God really said that?" and it's a little like the question "How do you know that God is real?" and honestly...i think it's just some kind of deep feeling you get inside yourself that calls you or points you to truth. it's something deeper than yourself that you would probably have trouble explaining to anyone but it's enough to convince you.
1 John says "Now he who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. And by this we know that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us" at the end of chapter 3. in 4:13, it says "By this we know that we abide in Him, and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit."
and it seems like the whole world is asking, "How do you know? You can't know. You have no reason of knowing." ...i don't think i can convince anyone that i really do know. i can only rather be convinced that what i am looking at is truth, and after seeing it come through for me and go through test after test, i believe i am led deeper into truth.
Jesus asked His apostles who people thought He was, and they answered Him that some said He was Elijah or John the Baptist or one of the prophets. and Jesus asked who they thought He was, and Peter said he believed Jesus is the "Christ, the Son of the living God" in Matthew 16:16. and Jesus said, "Blessed are you...for flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but My Father who is in heaven." How did he know? Peter shouldn't have known, had no reason of knowing, and yet he knew.
in Mark 5, there was a ruler of a synagogue whose daughter was very sick. he sought Jesus, asking for His healing. before Jesus got there, the daughter died, so they thought it was over, and that they shouldn't trouble Jesus. Jesus went anyways, and when He got to the house, there were a bunch of mourners outside, "wailing loudly." and Jesus told them that they shouldn't be crying, because the daughter was not dead, but asleep. "And they ridiculed Him" (v. 40).
Jesus went inside the house after putting everyone outside and was alone with the father, mother, and child. and then Jesus brought her back to life. "And they [the parents] were overcome with great amazement. But He commanded them strictly that no one should know it." the masses had just ridiculed Jesus for saying that the daughter was only sleeping. what do you think was harder? for Jesus not to rub it into the faces of the masses that He was right and they knew nothing of what they were talking about? or for the parents to be commanded strictly not to tell anyone. your daughter died, God brought her back to life, and you're not supposed to tell anyone? wouldn't people notice...isn't that the daughter who died? why is she walking around? and you couldn't tell them what happened...
for some reason, when Jesus did a lot of His miracles, He seemed to tell people not to tell anyone else. He healed them in secret, and then He wanted to make sure people didn't tell everyone about Him.
how would they know? because Jesus had come in and literally changed things around in their life. because Jesus was standing right in front of them, more real than anything they could ever find in this world. because something deep connected...and maybe they shouldn't have known and had no reason of knowing, but somehow...what Jesus said to them specifically and personally made sense. when He said "No one gets to the Father but through Me," somehow they felt that this was right. i'm not saying that anything that feels right is right. i'm saying...you can know. even if it feels right, stay with it long enough and be real about it, and i think you'll truly know whether it is or isn't.
for some reason, when Jesus spoke, they came alive. they knew Him for themselves - hearing about Him failed tremendously in comparison. hearing about God is nothing to experiencing God, to have His love heavy on your heart on your best and worst days and know that you could never do anything to earn it or lose it, but that it has been imparted to you.
for some reason, i really think you can know things you're not supposed to know. for some reason, i really believe you can find everything in God. and i guess it's the whole challenge of my life to connect my beliefs with my actions.
---
i was thinking if i tried to explain to someone that i believed God had told me something, then i perceived the following question: "How do you know God really said that?" and it's a little like the question "How do you know that God is real?" and honestly...i think it's just some kind of deep feeling you get inside yourself that calls you or points you to truth. it's something deeper than yourself that you would probably have trouble explaining to anyone but it's enough to convince you.
1 John says "Now he who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. And by this we know that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us" at the end of chapter 3. in 4:13, it says "By this we know that we abide in Him, and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit."
and it seems like the whole world is asking, "How do you know? You can't know. You have no reason of knowing." ...i don't think i can convince anyone that i really do know. i can only rather be convinced that what i am looking at is truth, and after seeing it come through for me and go through test after test, i believe i am led deeper into truth.
Jesus asked His apostles who people thought He was, and they answered Him that some said He was Elijah or John the Baptist or one of the prophets. and Jesus asked who they thought He was, and Peter said he believed Jesus is the "Christ, the Son of the living God" in Matthew 16:16. and Jesus said, "Blessed are you...for flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but My Father who is in heaven." How did he know? Peter shouldn't have known, had no reason of knowing, and yet he knew.
in Mark 5, there was a ruler of a synagogue whose daughter was very sick. he sought Jesus, asking for His healing. before Jesus got there, the daughter died, so they thought it was over, and that they shouldn't trouble Jesus. Jesus went anyways, and when He got to the house, there were a bunch of mourners outside, "wailing loudly." and Jesus told them that they shouldn't be crying, because the daughter was not dead, but asleep. "And they ridiculed Him" (v. 40).
Jesus went inside the house after putting everyone outside and was alone with the father, mother, and child. and then Jesus brought her back to life. "And they [the parents] were overcome with great amazement. But He commanded them strictly that no one should know it." the masses had just ridiculed Jesus for saying that the daughter was only sleeping. what do you think was harder? for Jesus not to rub it into the faces of the masses that He was right and they knew nothing of what they were talking about? or for the parents to be commanded strictly not to tell anyone. your daughter died, God brought her back to life, and you're not supposed to tell anyone? wouldn't people notice...isn't that the daughter who died? why is she walking around? and you couldn't tell them what happened...
for some reason, when Jesus did a lot of His miracles, He seemed to tell people not to tell anyone else. He healed them in secret, and then He wanted to make sure people didn't tell everyone about Him.
how would they know? because Jesus had come in and literally changed things around in their life. because Jesus was standing right in front of them, more real than anything they could ever find in this world. because something deep connected...and maybe they shouldn't have known and had no reason of knowing, but somehow...what Jesus said to them specifically and personally made sense. when He said "No one gets to the Father but through Me," somehow they felt that this was right. i'm not saying that anything that feels right is right. i'm saying...you can know. even if it feels right, stay with it long enough and be real about it, and i think you'll truly know whether it is or isn't.
for some reason, when Jesus spoke, they came alive. they knew Him for themselves - hearing about Him failed tremendously in comparison. hearing about God is nothing to experiencing God, to have His love heavy on your heart on your best and worst days and know that you could never do anything to earn it or lose it, but that it has been imparted to you.
for some reason, i really think you can know things you're not supposed to know. for some reason, i really believe you can find everything in God. and i guess it's the whole challenge of my life to connect my beliefs with my actions.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
more stirring
today has actually been a pretty intense day. it's been good, just a bit hectic. today was my long day, and i was busy trying to get a paper turned in at 5 and some homework by 3, not to mention a very long application for a summer project in San Francisco. i ended up going to Campus Crusade for Christ at 9, and saw one of my friends Michael there, who i went to middle school with. he invited me to some prayer thing later that night.
i always look forward to Tuesday nights, because that's when the Asians go to play basketball. if i went right after CRU, i could get into a game or two and have a good time. in worship, i started praying and somehow, i felt like there was a huge choice between whether i should go to the prayer thing Michael had invited me to or whether i should go play basketball. and i speculated for a while, but the issue had come up because i had been praying that i would hear God's voice and become more confident in it, and for some reason i really felt like i should go the prayer meeting.
after more frustrating speculation, i finally ended up going. because it seemed like i should do with my time what God wanted, and it seemed like one night playing basketball wouldn't be as eternally relevant as a night of prayer. (i also realized that basketball doesn't really give me the kind of comfort i think it will...honestly, several nights, i have gone to play basketball to relieve stress and i have come back worse.) the prayer event was from 11 to 12 and was held in the basement of the Sig Ep house, of which included Michael and a bunch of other guys from CRU. the theme was supposed to be praying for God to move and really bring unity and revolution to the Greek system.
i honestly didn't expect that much and was pretty skeptical when the guys joked about beer cans, and then i would think that maybe i should have gone to play basketball. they had a bunch of couches laid out, and they turned off all the lights and just had Christmas lights and candles on the ground. people started showing up, and after we officially started...things just changed. you could tell something in the atmosphere had moved, and people just started praying. there was grace, tremendous grace.
and it was really nice. it was sorta what i needed - i admit i felt God. it was important to remember that i was not going after my own glory, but God's. and it was just great getting to be there, in a basement with about forty or fifty other people, seeming to really cry out and lift up to God, just like me. it felt like i had never really been a part of something like that. it felt like we were a body of Christ, like we really were being united even though we didn't really know each other and we were probably of different denominational backgrounds and everything. but with God as our common factor, all of the differences seemed to fade away.
and i started thinking, what if... what if we got a bunch of people - real Christians - so consumed by passion for God, so driven by glorifying God and not glorifying themselves, who really listened to His voice and Word. what if we got a bunch of people like this together and we all acted as a body... what if we sought God together and sought to do His work together? we would be a force to be reckoned with, not of our own strength, but because of God.
one changed life can make a ripple in a spectator's life, but i think a collection of changed lives moving in motion that could only come from God would seem to make a much more lasting impression on that spectator.
we prayed for the hour, and it was really surprising. at the same time, it was truly great. it was so much greater than anything i think i could have gotten out of basketball. and it seemed like...God was moving. God was really stirring, in the underground, shifting ideologies underneath kingdoms (it helps the analogy that we were praying in the basement of a frat house). but i could see it. it was like God really was raising up His people. i don't know. it just gave me a lot of hope.
and it was refreshing. it helped me a lot, it stilled me, and i felt it, but i also knew it. i saw God tonight.
i always look forward to Tuesday nights, because that's when the Asians go to play basketball. if i went right after CRU, i could get into a game or two and have a good time. in worship, i started praying and somehow, i felt like there was a huge choice between whether i should go to the prayer thing Michael had invited me to or whether i should go play basketball. and i speculated for a while, but the issue had come up because i had been praying that i would hear God's voice and become more confident in it, and for some reason i really felt like i should go the prayer meeting.
after more frustrating speculation, i finally ended up going. because it seemed like i should do with my time what God wanted, and it seemed like one night playing basketball wouldn't be as eternally relevant as a night of prayer. (i also realized that basketball doesn't really give me the kind of comfort i think it will...honestly, several nights, i have gone to play basketball to relieve stress and i have come back worse.) the prayer event was from 11 to 12 and was held in the basement of the Sig Ep house, of which included Michael and a bunch of other guys from CRU. the theme was supposed to be praying for God to move and really bring unity and revolution to the Greek system.
i honestly didn't expect that much and was pretty skeptical when the guys joked about beer cans, and then i would think that maybe i should have gone to play basketball. they had a bunch of couches laid out, and they turned off all the lights and just had Christmas lights and candles on the ground. people started showing up, and after we officially started...things just changed. you could tell something in the atmosphere had moved, and people just started praying. there was grace, tremendous grace.
and it was really nice. it was sorta what i needed - i admit i felt God. it was important to remember that i was not going after my own glory, but God's. and it was just great getting to be there, in a basement with about forty or fifty other people, seeming to really cry out and lift up to God, just like me. it felt like i had never really been a part of something like that. it felt like we were a body of Christ, like we really were being united even though we didn't really know each other and we were probably of different denominational backgrounds and everything. but with God as our common factor, all of the differences seemed to fade away.
and i started thinking, what if... what if we got a bunch of people - real Christians - so consumed by passion for God, so driven by glorifying God and not glorifying themselves, who really listened to His voice and Word. what if we got a bunch of people like this together and we all acted as a body... what if we sought God together and sought to do His work together? we would be a force to be reckoned with, not of our own strength, but because of God.
one changed life can make a ripple in a spectator's life, but i think a collection of changed lives moving in motion that could only come from God would seem to make a much more lasting impression on that spectator.
we prayed for the hour, and it was really surprising. at the same time, it was truly great. it was so much greater than anything i think i could have gotten out of basketball. and it seemed like...God was moving. God was really stirring, in the underground, shifting ideologies underneath kingdoms (it helps the analogy that we were praying in the basement of a frat house). but i could see it. it was like God really was raising up His people. i don't know. it just gave me a lot of hope.
and it was refreshing. it helped me a lot, it stilled me, and i felt it, but i also knew it. i saw God tonight.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
just the way it is (sweet set)
things are looking up.
actually, it's quite amazing, to say the least. ATF was a bit of a disappointment. i mean, you can feel God there, but it seemed like it was just feeling. not that much depth or substance. at the end, people were going crazy and doing things that they would only do with the presence of God. and then it was just over. i wanted to go over to billy's house to play worship, but it was late, and we couldn't.
we decided to get to church the next morning a little early so we could play around and worship. we got there and all the chairs were stacked up against some walls, and we didn't really play. Chris came and asked us if we wanted to play, and he would sing. so Billy ended up playing keyboard and i ended up playing guitar, and Chris sang. Chris only picked out two songs: You are God Alone and the Heart of Worship, and we ran through You are God Alone before anybody showed up. Chris said we would just go wherever the Spirit led.
turns out that we were playing the chorus chords (just four, over and over again) to You are God Alone in the beginning, and Chris started praying. and...well. something crazy just happened.
you know, we never even sang the song. (we didn't even have the sermon) i started off...trying to worship. but it was my own strength. i don't know how it got prompted, but i ended up on my knees realizing that i just need God. that i don't want myself, and even my own worship isn't great. my own worship doesn't cause change, doesn't really move me, doesn't really move mountains. and my own efforts aren't great. i wanted so much change to happen at ATF, and i don't know what happened. my eyes weren't really on myself, i was praying for others most of the time. i wasn't all that honest or vulnerable with myself. but nobody really seemed changed except Jerry.
but this morning my eyes were shifted off of myself. the kind of change that i wanted in myself and in the youth group...could only come from God. and in a rare moment of vulnerability, i realized i just needed God. that there was nothing else, nothing left. and though the world fascinated me with its religions and gold, it was all just gonna pass away, just like i will. just like i sorta feel like i was doing all of these religious and perhaps Godly things out of my own accord, when actually, i wasn't exactly touching the heart of God, but rather somewhat entertaining myself. i was deceived and deceiving myself.
it just wasn't getting through to me. because i was doing these things out of my own accord, i wasn't exactly falling in love. i wasn't exactly changing. i would have my spiritual ups, and then my spiritual downs. i'm not exactly steadfast. but even then - it occurred that it didn't matter where i had been before this. in fact, all that mattered was right now. that God broke through for me, and for God to have all of me in this time, to have His complete unrestrained will in my life, without any part of my heart closed off to Him.
i think that was when i stopped singing songs and started truly worshiping. i think i started realizing that i was having trouble loving people because...i wasn't doing it out of love for God. because i was doing it out of my own accord, not fully dependent on God, and not fully looking for the glory to go to God. i had all these reservations about being better, about some glory for myself, and it was affecting the way i had been looking at people for so long. that i could look at someone and not see the beauty of their life, that the very love of God that had been somehow extended to me wasn't extended to them in exactly the same way.
even when i read my Bible, it seemed like i wasn't really looking at God. i mean, i was sorta looking after God, and sorta going after Him. but...i don't know. it's like i was seriously lacking that desperation. that cry, "God, i need You to break through. i just need You to be God, i need You to grab hold of my life and give me something of value today, God, to bring me closer to You so i am freed from this world and the lusts of my flesh and the pride of my life that so often ensnares me." i was doing the right things, and i had some of the right intentions, but...man. today, i just got lit with passion and fire again.
and i went and prayed for Vincent, and i actually had prayed earlier that God would bring Him there, and He came. and Billy was playing keyboard and he nailed so many crazy riffs that i really couldn't believe it and he was really good...it was simply God, and billy would agree. and Chris just kept on praying and praying and he said some great things, like how it didn't matter where we had been in the past, but it was just about now, and coming forward and kneeling down before God. and i went and prayed for Jerry, and it was just unbelievable, because i think i really was able to love on him. i was able to say that, no matter where everyone had been, everybody in the room was on the same page, everybody in the room had such a need for God, and He alone was the only One who was ever going to please us and satisfy us, and we rarely know it like that, with conviction, but man. i was so blessed to know it this morning.
[i never really realized it like that, but i think it's very true. it's how a mature Christian, a beginning Christian, a lukewarm Christian, and a non-Christian, can all stand in a room and know that they are just like each other. because in that moment, regardless of where each person has been and what each person has done and seen and maybe even believed, they all need God with such an urgency that nothing else could even matter. and i argue that this is really what life is about. returning God's immeasurable love with the small love that we can muster]
and i think i started letting go. before that, i had all this unnecessary pressure on myself to really touch the youth group, to really get them out of the rut that they seemed to be stuck in. but i think i realized...what we all need, is not the work of men, but simply the unparalleled work of God in our lives. that's what Christianity is - God - and that's perhaps the downfall of the American church - that it is the work of men without God. and what i believe in...isn't what i can do and isn't what the solution to my problems that man has devised and concocted. i believe in a God who really is omnipotent and really does know no end, a God whose work changes and fixes and brings resolve to our lives in a way that no man can work, not even ourselves in our own lives. i don't need to be this super Christian guy. i want to lay down and fall in love with God every day. i want to burn with passion and make sure glory ascends to Him. because i'm not gonna be the solution to my problems or yours. but God is. and He will be. and that's just the way it is.
---
yeah, so praise God. this morning was great, and well, time doesn't exactly stop in that moment. life continues. three more weeks to the end of school. paper due Thursday, math test Wednesday. but i'm looking up. man...i'm finally looking up.
actually, it's quite amazing, to say the least. ATF was a bit of a disappointment. i mean, you can feel God there, but it seemed like it was just feeling. not that much depth or substance. at the end, people were going crazy and doing things that they would only do with the presence of God. and then it was just over. i wanted to go over to billy's house to play worship, but it was late, and we couldn't.
we decided to get to church the next morning a little early so we could play around and worship. we got there and all the chairs were stacked up against some walls, and we didn't really play. Chris came and asked us if we wanted to play, and he would sing. so Billy ended up playing keyboard and i ended up playing guitar, and Chris sang. Chris only picked out two songs: You are God Alone and the Heart of Worship, and we ran through You are God Alone before anybody showed up. Chris said we would just go wherever the Spirit led.
turns out that we were playing the chorus chords (just four, over and over again) to You are God Alone in the beginning, and Chris started praying. and...well. something crazy just happened.
you know, we never even sang the song. (we didn't even have the sermon) i started off...trying to worship. but it was my own strength. i don't know how it got prompted, but i ended up on my knees realizing that i just need God. that i don't want myself, and even my own worship isn't great. my own worship doesn't cause change, doesn't really move me, doesn't really move mountains. and my own efforts aren't great. i wanted so much change to happen at ATF, and i don't know what happened. my eyes weren't really on myself, i was praying for others most of the time. i wasn't all that honest or vulnerable with myself. but nobody really seemed changed except Jerry.
but this morning my eyes were shifted off of myself. the kind of change that i wanted in myself and in the youth group...could only come from God. and in a rare moment of vulnerability, i realized i just needed God. that there was nothing else, nothing left. and though the world fascinated me with its religions and gold, it was all just gonna pass away, just like i will. just like i sorta feel like i was doing all of these religious and perhaps Godly things out of my own accord, when actually, i wasn't exactly touching the heart of God, but rather somewhat entertaining myself. i was deceived and deceiving myself.
it just wasn't getting through to me. because i was doing these things out of my own accord, i wasn't exactly falling in love. i wasn't exactly changing. i would have my spiritual ups, and then my spiritual downs. i'm not exactly steadfast. but even then - it occurred that it didn't matter where i had been before this. in fact, all that mattered was right now. that God broke through for me, and for God to have all of me in this time, to have His complete unrestrained will in my life, without any part of my heart closed off to Him.
i think that was when i stopped singing songs and started truly worshiping. i think i started realizing that i was having trouble loving people because...i wasn't doing it out of love for God. because i was doing it out of my own accord, not fully dependent on God, and not fully looking for the glory to go to God. i had all these reservations about being better, about some glory for myself, and it was affecting the way i had been looking at people for so long. that i could look at someone and not see the beauty of their life, that the very love of God that had been somehow extended to me wasn't extended to them in exactly the same way.
even when i read my Bible, it seemed like i wasn't really looking at God. i mean, i was sorta looking after God, and sorta going after Him. but...i don't know. it's like i was seriously lacking that desperation. that cry, "God, i need You to break through. i just need You to be God, i need You to grab hold of my life and give me something of value today, God, to bring me closer to You so i am freed from this world and the lusts of my flesh and the pride of my life that so often ensnares me." i was doing the right things, and i had some of the right intentions, but...man. today, i just got lit with passion and fire again.
and i went and prayed for Vincent, and i actually had prayed earlier that God would bring Him there, and He came. and Billy was playing keyboard and he nailed so many crazy riffs that i really couldn't believe it and he was really good...it was simply God, and billy would agree. and Chris just kept on praying and praying and he said some great things, like how it didn't matter where we had been in the past, but it was just about now, and coming forward and kneeling down before God. and i went and prayed for Jerry, and it was just unbelievable, because i think i really was able to love on him. i was able to say that, no matter where everyone had been, everybody in the room was on the same page, everybody in the room had such a need for God, and He alone was the only One who was ever going to please us and satisfy us, and we rarely know it like that, with conviction, but man. i was so blessed to know it this morning.
[i never really realized it like that, but i think it's very true. it's how a mature Christian, a beginning Christian, a lukewarm Christian, and a non-Christian, can all stand in a room and know that they are just like each other. because in that moment, regardless of where each person has been and what each person has done and seen and maybe even believed, they all need God with such an urgency that nothing else could even matter. and i argue that this is really what life is about. returning God's immeasurable love with the small love that we can muster]
and i think i started letting go. before that, i had all this unnecessary pressure on myself to really touch the youth group, to really get them out of the rut that they seemed to be stuck in. but i think i realized...what we all need, is not the work of men, but simply the unparalleled work of God in our lives. that's what Christianity is - God - and that's perhaps the downfall of the American church - that it is the work of men without God. and what i believe in...isn't what i can do and isn't what the solution to my problems that man has devised and concocted. i believe in a God who really is omnipotent and really does know no end, a God whose work changes and fixes and brings resolve to our lives in a way that no man can work, not even ourselves in our own lives. i don't need to be this super Christian guy. i want to lay down and fall in love with God every day. i want to burn with passion and make sure glory ascends to Him. because i'm not gonna be the solution to my problems or yours. but God is. and He will be. and that's just the way it is.
---
yeah, so praise God. this morning was great, and well, time doesn't exactly stop in that moment. life continues. three more weeks to the end of school. paper due Thursday, math test Wednesday. but i'm looking up. man...i'm finally looking up.
Friday, April 11, 2008
as a follower
guess i wrote this in two parts. second part's better, first part might be a bit boring.
---
back in Tulsa for Acquire the Fire, and it's a great feeling. this week just seemed...difficult. i don't know what was going on. today being friday, i had an 8:30 class. went to sleep around 4 and don't remember my alarm going off. but my alarm was set for my 8:30 class, so i ended up missing my 10:30 class as well. and then i headed off to Tulsa at 2:30 instead of going to my 2:30 class. so it's great to be back in Tulsa. i feel like i need a vacation.
things are a little weird. walking into Acquire the Fire, in the Mabee Center, is like walking into a stadium full of youth group kids shouting and screaming for God. shallow or not, you can feel God move in that place. the grace is tremendous. i can walk in there, forget about the entire week, and pray and feel very close to God regardless of everything leading up to that moment. and yet... i don't know. it was very nice, but i feel almost like i'm missing something.
i want God to be real to the people there. i want change to be real, and i think so often, people just go and take the altar call and feel guilty for a while until the hype wears off and they get back to their lives. i want there to be a shift of priority, a shift in paradigm. and even for me, i don't want to feel the greatness of intimacy and grace to pray and then simply go back to worshiping God from afar with a dwindling prayer life. i want to re-align my life to His, to remember that Christianity isn't about chastening myself so i can appear more Christian, it's about letting go and, in love, pursuing God, the result of which will be chastening, but even the chastening to purity isn't the purpose of the Christian life.
i remember the way things used to be...i had problems. i very literally needed God, it wasn't just something i did. it was something that changed the way i lived my life, that offered me refuge and kept me from having to worry about everything and having to appease everyone. when i had problems at home or in school or with myself, God was still there. i came and went in His presence as i pleased, and eventually, i just started staying with Him wherever i went, because things were easier. i had purpose, i had reason. i didn't have to worry about fitting in because it was only what God thought. i didn't have to worry about A's on absolutely everything, because grades didn't dictate salvation. that was God's gift, not my own accomplishment or failure.
i think i sorta forget that sometimes. that God changes so that our problems don't really affect us anymore. because i still have problems with family sometimes, and i have problems with myself. and the solution isn't just trying to chasten myself to make me feel better.
i don't know. it's just frustrating sometimes. it does take patience, longsuffering, perseverance. sometimes i want to run away or just give up on it all. but i wouldn't let that happen to my friends in youth group. i wanted to grab someone today and tell him he just had to believe. he just had to press on forward to God, because he was so special, so loved, so anointed, that he couldn't live his life without God. he couldn't let his life go to waste. he just had to love God, he had to do whatever it takes to get right with God, so that he is okay. so that he can taste eternity and relevance and beauty everywhere he turns, even in the difficulties and the deaths.
i guess in the same way, it is important to love yourself. don't let your life go to waste. don't let yourself miss out.
i don't know. we just need change. i told God i wouldn't worry about it, but i find myself worrying about it. our youth group is becoming lukewarm. i want our youth group to emanate the Spirit, to drink deeply of it and desire it and to be so in love with God that it would be like empathy and suicide with the world. it would be unworldly. but that is for God to do and for God's timing... i guess i can still pray about it though.
things are difficult.
---
man, i just want to believe in God again. that He'll change everything. that there's nothing He can't do, and His love knows no end and knows nothing greater, and He loves us, so He'll break through to us. that as He has given everything away just to know us, that offer is still there, and He's gonna be glorified and He's gonna be pleased no matter what, even when we screw up, if our eyes are turned to Him in the end. He is the very definition of love. the sacrifice He made on the cross, that is our hope, and that is what keeps us going, even when we know we're gonna fall short. because we have God's hope in us. and even when we fall over and over again and are persecuted for His name and go through difficulties that we can't even verbalize because we can be so distraught, we will have everything we could ever ask for. so that absolutely everything we do is His, because we cannot be disappointed nor upset when He really takes hold of our lives. God is completely worthy to be invested into wholeheartedly, to run after dangerously, and He is unlike anything we have ever seen. He is out of this world, greater than our lives and larger than our imaginations. He is so great that He alone sustains us, and so great that we will spend the rest of eternity simply trying to take in His majesty and His beauty, but we will never catch our breath.
i want to believe God will make everything right, and even if He doesn't change the things i want to be changed, I will see, in the end, that all of this is some how justified, just as He is just. i want it to not even matter about me, but it must be about Him. i want things to be the way God wants them to be. i want each day to be new and exciting, i want to take so much joy in hearing His name and to see that other people love Him. i want to take so much joy in the advancing of His kingdom, going to campus ministries and small group Bible studies and playing the piano in front of people i don't know because it is a proclamation of His beauty rather than mine. i want eyes off of myself because i'm nowhere near as fascinating as He is.
i want things to be like this. the way God would have it. so that He could wrap me in His arms for forever and i could lose myself in Him. so that i wouldn't have to struggle with the things i make myself subject to - the cares of this world, the lusts of this flesh, the burdens of competition and pride. knowing that whenever i turn my eyes to God, i will find His gaze right back at me, filled with wonder and love, saying "you don't know how much I love you. I love you so much you just don't even understand." and for me to not even care about what i look like or what kind of condition my life is in, but to run recklessly past the barriers and the safeguards and give my life over to a Savior, a Redeemer, a Deliverer, the One, the Only One.
this i ask of God. so that life would change. with each day, it would change. even going through the tough times, the desert seasons, that i would still be captivated. i would still hold fast to His promises, knowing i haven't been abandoned, but rather that i am being chastened and prepared for His kingdom, to His glory, for He knows what He is doing and He is making me more like Him. He is taking me out of my flesh and setting me up for righteousness - His righteousness. He is ruining me for the world and for daily life so that I am stuck with a perfect God who will give me more than i can imagine.
it feels like this way of desiring after God is very risky, very dangerous. it also feels like this might be the way to do it. wholeheartedly. dependent. needing God, without reservation.
---
back in Tulsa for Acquire the Fire, and it's a great feeling. this week just seemed...difficult. i don't know what was going on. today being friday, i had an 8:30 class. went to sleep around 4 and don't remember my alarm going off. but my alarm was set for my 8:30 class, so i ended up missing my 10:30 class as well. and then i headed off to Tulsa at 2:30 instead of going to my 2:30 class. so it's great to be back in Tulsa. i feel like i need a vacation.
things are a little weird. walking into Acquire the Fire, in the Mabee Center, is like walking into a stadium full of youth group kids shouting and screaming for God. shallow or not, you can feel God move in that place. the grace is tremendous. i can walk in there, forget about the entire week, and pray and feel very close to God regardless of everything leading up to that moment. and yet... i don't know. it was very nice, but i feel almost like i'm missing something.
i want God to be real to the people there. i want change to be real, and i think so often, people just go and take the altar call and feel guilty for a while until the hype wears off and they get back to their lives. i want there to be a shift of priority, a shift in paradigm. and even for me, i don't want to feel the greatness of intimacy and grace to pray and then simply go back to worshiping God from afar with a dwindling prayer life. i want to re-align my life to His, to remember that Christianity isn't about chastening myself so i can appear more Christian, it's about letting go and, in love, pursuing God, the result of which will be chastening, but even the chastening to purity isn't the purpose of the Christian life.
i remember the way things used to be...i had problems. i very literally needed God, it wasn't just something i did. it was something that changed the way i lived my life, that offered me refuge and kept me from having to worry about everything and having to appease everyone. when i had problems at home or in school or with myself, God was still there. i came and went in His presence as i pleased, and eventually, i just started staying with Him wherever i went, because things were easier. i had purpose, i had reason. i didn't have to worry about fitting in because it was only what God thought. i didn't have to worry about A's on absolutely everything, because grades didn't dictate salvation. that was God's gift, not my own accomplishment or failure.
i think i sorta forget that sometimes. that God changes so that our problems don't really affect us anymore. because i still have problems with family sometimes, and i have problems with myself. and the solution isn't just trying to chasten myself to make me feel better.
i don't know. it's just frustrating sometimes. it does take patience, longsuffering, perseverance. sometimes i want to run away or just give up on it all. but i wouldn't let that happen to my friends in youth group. i wanted to grab someone today and tell him he just had to believe. he just had to press on forward to God, because he was so special, so loved, so anointed, that he couldn't live his life without God. he couldn't let his life go to waste. he just had to love God, he had to do whatever it takes to get right with God, so that he is okay. so that he can taste eternity and relevance and beauty everywhere he turns, even in the difficulties and the deaths.
i guess in the same way, it is important to love yourself. don't let your life go to waste. don't let yourself miss out.
i don't know. we just need change. i told God i wouldn't worry about it, but i find myself worrying about it. our youth group is becoming lukewarm. i want our youth group to emanate the Spirit, to drink deeply of it and desire it and to be so in love with God that it would be like empathy and suicide with the world. it would be unworldly. but that is for God to do and for God's timing... i guess i can still pray about it though.
things are difficult.
---
man, i just want to believe in God again. that He'll change everything. that there's nothing He can't do, and His love knows no end and knows nothing greater, and He loves us, so He'll break through to us. that as He has given everything away just to know us, that offer is still there, and He's gonna be glorified and He's gonna be pleased no matter what, even when we screw up, if our eyes are turned to Him in the end. He is the very definition of love. the sacrifice He made on the cross, that is our hope, and that is what keeps us going, even when we know we're gonna fall short. because we have God's hope in us. and even when we fall over and over again and are persecuted for His name and go through difficulties that we can't even verbalize because we can be so distraught, we will have everything we could ever ask for. so that absolutely everything we do is His, because we cannot be disappointed nor upset when He really takes hold of our lives. God is completely worthy to be invested into wholeheartedly, to run after dangerously, and He is unlike anything we have ever seen. He is out of this world, greater than our lives and larger than our imaginations. He is so great that He alone sustains us, and so great that we will spend the rest of eternity simply trying to take in His majesty and His beauty, but we will never catch our breath.
i want to believe God will make everything right, and even if He doesn't change the things i want to be changed, I will see, in the end, that all of this is some how justified, just as He is just. i want it to not even matter about me, but it must be about Him. i want things to be the way God wants them to be. i want each day to be new and exciting, i want to take so much joy in hearing His name and to see that other people love Him. i want to take so much joy in the advancing of His kingdom, going to campus ministries and small group Bible studies and playing the piano in front of people i don't know because it is a proclamation of His beauty rather than mine. i want eyes off of myself because i'm nowhere near as fascinating as He is.
i want things to be like this. the way God would have it. so that He could wrap me in His arms for forever and i could lose myself in Him. so that i wouldn't have to struggle with the things i make myself subject to - the cares of this world, the lusts of this flesh, the burdens of competition and pride. knowing that whenever i turn my eyes to God, i will find His gaze right back at me, filled with wonder and love, saying "you don't know how much I love you. I love you so much you just don't even understand." and for me to not even care about what i look like or what kind of condition my life is in, but to run recklessly past the barriers and the safeguards and give my life over to a Savior, a Redeemer, a Deliverer, the One, the Only One.
this i ask of God. so that life would change. with each day, it would change. even going through the tough times, the desert seasons, that i would still be captivated. i would still hold fast to His promises, knowing i haven't been abandoned, but rather that i am being chastened and prepared for His kingdom, to His glory, for He knows what He is doing and He is making me more like Him. He is taking me out of my flesh and setting me up for righteousness - His righteousness. He is ruining me for the world and for daily life so that I am stuck with a perfect God who will give me more than i can imagine.
it feels like this way of desiring after God is very risky, very dangerous. it also feels like this might be the way to do it. wholeheartedly. dependent. needing God, without reservation.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
untitled2
at the oneThing conference in Kansas City, i couldn't keep from lifting my hands in worship. it almost became a theme, believing that i couldn't help but gravitate towards worship. worship is like one of those things you never really turn off...it's about as much lifestyle as faith is. it changes the way you do things, it affects every area of your life.
i don't know why i'm writing. things have been a lot of ups and downs lately. three weeks to the end of school, Acquire the Fire this weekend back in Tulsa. in a lot of ways, i find that i am incredibly blessed. i could possibly be on a leadership team, training with both the BSU and OU CRU, and i have this huge opportunity to go to San Francisco this summer and then hopefully start an Asian ministry on campus next semester, which would be amazing. and yet, i do feel like something's wrong with the picture.
God is about excitement, adventure, life, breath and having your breath taken away. He's not predictable. His tender mercies are new every morning, not the same tender mercies, but new in that they don't grow old. as we move, God doesn't change, but continues to cover us.
i still don't know where i'm going with this. it feels like i can strive for all these different things, and in a lot of ways, i can finally become the person that i so wanted to become. and yet, it feels like i'm so far away. i...play the piano well. guitar. i could be a worship leader. Bible study, campus ministries, small groups. i could do a lot. i have nice friends and i know a lot of people. could i be dying inside?
i don't know why i'm writing. things have been a lot of ups and downs lately. three weeks to the end of school, Acquire the Fire this weekend back in Tulsa. in a lot of ways, i find that i am incredibly blessed. i could possibly be on a leadership team, training with both the BSU and OU CRU, and i have this huge opportunity to go to San Francisco this summer and then hopefully start an Asian ministry on campus next semester, which would be amazing. and yet, i do feel like something's wrong with the picture.
God is about excitement, adventure, life, breath and having your breath taken away. He's not predictable. His tender mercies are new every morning, not the same tender mercies, but new in that they don't grow old. as we move, God doesn't change, but continues to cover us.
i still don't know where i'm going with this. it feels like i can strive for all these different things, and in a lot of ways, i can finally become the person that i so wanted to become. and yet, it feels like i'm so far away. i...play the piano well. guitar. i could be a worship leader. Bible study, campus ministries, small groups. i could do a lot. i have nice friends and i know a lot of people. could i be dying inside?
Friday, April 04, 2008
just give me God two
"The one thing that I do know is that if I don't learn to truly hear Your voice for myself and follow it diligently regardless of what others say, I could feel like a fraud for the rest of my life" -book called Red Moon Rising
things have been interesting lately. i've seen God nicely these past two days, but today i was beginning to get comfortable. i guess that's really the time when i start shutting my mind off towards God and just cruise on auto-pilot. but that's never supposed to be the case. i think a true Christian is constantly looking for ways to get more and more of God, not to get at a comfortable level where He's doing enough Godly things to get by. instead of just trying to do the bare minimum, the Christian is looking to go above and beyond - driven by desire and passion to know God more intimately than ever before.
these people change the world. these people have their eyes firmly fixed upon God, so that whether they are approved by men or not, their fullness is found in God. this passion makes people do crazy things. people might fast, might stop getting on Facebook so much because they don't see the point of letting it run your life. they might have an idea or a dream and go to great lengths just to see it happen. they don't wait around for other people to move; if they feel the calling, they go and do it themselves, and rejoice in the name of the Lord that they partake in His work.
but they don't shut their minds off. what would it mean to live fully for God? what would it truly mean to deny yourself and take up a cross? to speak boldly and in truth and in love, to live in purity and lovingkindness in a way that people literally cannot comprehend. not only to live up to a standard of difference, but to live to that standard so well that it actually makes people stop and wonder. a standard of love - to bear all things, endure all things, hope all things, and love the truth. to place others in such high position above yourself, with no regard to your own comfort or satisfaction.
i haven't really been doing that. reading Red Moon Rising has just sorta got me thinking what passionate, immaturely-in-love Christians could do for the name of God, with such an alarming lack of awareness of what can be done and what can't that they end up doing what no one has ever seen before, surpassing the dreams of the prophets.
anyways, i just liked the quote at the beginning from the book. things are a little chaotic, perhaps, with me lately, socially, and i need to hear from God. but it seems like a lot of what dictates what i do is what i want and what feel goods to me, even if i can justify it some way, and then speculation as to whether it is right or not. looking for ways to justify that it is right. anyways, i just really need to hear God. i need to make it a habit, to run recklessly, seemingly without regard for the people around me. God is so much bigger
God needs to be a priority for me. God, i pray You would just captivate my heart and keep me from turning my eyes from You. may i take the steps that it takes to follow after You, no matter the cost, as You have already paid the price and the life i lay down i will receive in abundance and fullness from You. but be my all in all. be my everything. be my breath of life, my sustenance on long days, my reason to try hard, my exceedingly great reward. be the reason i live, my comfort in time of need, my sweet song on a beautiful day.
my hands are stained with blood, but Yours has washed me clean. You continuously provide and i am more blessed that i can even fathom, more than i can even realize in this time right now. God, i pray that in this time, i would set aside everything and run to You. there is nothing else i am living for or running for that can even compete with You. that's just the way it is. You are God. and i am to be Yours.
so i pray. keep me going, bring me deeper. make me to lie down and submit, so that i learn that i don't know everything. so that i learn my own nature, that i must learn to lean on Your promises, to believe in Your character more than i believe in myself, to trust in Your plan more than i believe in the way the world operates.
---
it's been a while since i posted up here. sorry about that. things have been hectic lately, with school, and the weekend is great. Big Event tomorrow (just some huge volunteer thing) and i think i'm painting or building sandboxes or something at an elementary school. played at the Union today for MidDay Music and had some good moments, among plenty of wrong notes. wednesday night was an organized prayer walk that was great, tuesday night was Cru, thursday night was Paradigm.
i've been a lot more God conscious than i usually am, which goes to God's glory. i look back and see all the times i've been blessed and i can't help but believe that i am truly blessed in this moment now, whether i feel it or not. i take everything for granted so easily, but there are so many small things, like being able to sing in tune or really get into the music when i play piano, to run without tiring, or to be God conscious when i wake up. grace to pray? now there's a blessing.
things have been interesting lately. i've seen God nicely these past two days, but today i was beginning to get comfortable. i guess that's really the time when i start shutting my mind off towards God and just cruise on auto-pilot. but that's never supposed to be the case. i think a true Christian is constantly looking for ways to get more and more of God, not to get at a comfortable level where He's doing enough Godly things to get by. instead of just trying to do the bare minimum, the Christian is looking to go above and beyond - driven by desire and passion to know God more intimately than ever before.
these people change the world. these people have their eyes firmly fixed upon God, so that whether they are approved by men or not, their fullness is found in God. this passion makes people do crazy things. people might fast, might stop getting on Facebook so much because they don't see the point of letting it run your life. they might have an idea or a dream and go to great lengths just to see it happen. they don't wait around for other people to move; if they feel the calling, they go and do it themselves, and rejoice in the name of the Lord that they partake in His work.
but they don't shut their minds off. what would it mean to live fully for God? what would it truly mean to deny yourself and take up a cross? to speak boldly and in truth and in love, to live in purity and lovingkindness in a way that people literally cannot comprehend. not only to live up to a standard of difference, but to live to that standard so well that it actually makes people stop and wonder. a standard of love - to bear all things, endure all things, hope all things, and love the truth. to place others in such high position above yourself, with no regard to your own comfort or satisfaction.
i haven't really been doing that. reading Red Moon Rising has just sorta got me thinking what passionate, immaturely-in-love Christians could do for the name of God, with such an alarming lack of awareness of what can be done and what can't that they end up doing what no one has ever seen before, surpassing the dreams of the prophets.
anyways, i just liked the quote at the beginning from the book. things are a little chaotic, perhaps, with me lately, socially, and i need to hear from God. but it seems like a lot of what dictates what i do is what i want and what feel goods to me, even if i can justify it some way, and then speculation as to whether it is right or not. looking for ways to justify that it is right. anyways, i just really need to hear God. i need to make it a habit, to run recklessly, seemingly without regard for the people around me. God is so much bigger
God needs to be a priority for me. God, i pray You would just captivate my heart and keep me from turning my eyes from You. may i take the steps that it takes to follow after You, no matter the cost, as You have already paid the price and the life i lay down i will receive in abundance and fullness from You. but be my all in all. be my everything. be my breath of life, my sustenance on long days, my reason to try hard, my exceedingly great reward. be the reason i live, my comfort in time of need, my sweet song on a beautiful day.
my hands are stained with blood, but Yours has washed me clean. You continuously provide and i am more blessed that i can even fathom, more than i can even realize in this time right now. God, i pray that in this time, i would set aside everything and run to You. there is nothing else i am living for or running for that can even compete with You. that's just the way it is. You are God. and i am to be Yours.
so i pray. keep me going, bring me deeper. make me to lie down and submit, so that i learn that i don't know everything. so that i learn my own nature, that i must learn to lean on Your promises, to believe in Your character more than i believe in myself, to trust in Your plan more than i believe in the way the world operates.
---
it's been a while since i posted up here. sorry about that. things have been hectic lately, with school, and the weekend is great. Big Event tomorrow (just some huge volunteer thing) and i think i'm painting or building sandboxes or something at an elementary school. played at the Union today for MidDay Music and had some good moments, among plenty of wrong notes. wednesday night was an organized prayer walk that was great, tuesday night was Cru, thursday night was Paradigm.
i've been a lot more God conscious than i usually am, which goes to God's glory. i look back and see all the times i've been blessed and i can't help but believe that i am truly blessed in this moment now, whether i feel it or not. i take everything for granted so easily, but there are so many small things, like being able to sing in tune or really get into the music when i play piano, to run without tiring, or to be God conscious when i wake up. grace to pray? now there's a blessing.
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