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in a moment of vulnerability...i looked around and pondered the foolishness of my beliefs, questioning whether i knew what i was getting myself into. do i really believe God...do i really believe?

i started hanging out with some new people, guys from APO. one of the guys is Muslim, and i don't hesitate to say he is probably the most religious guy i know. and i'm not saying "spiritual tolerance" or anything, and i'm not saying that he's justified by being religious or by doing all of the things he does or even by doing them with passion. i'm saying...it's impressive for him to be so religious.

i need for this to be true. i need for God to be true. because if it's not, i have nothing.

i'm a jerk. i can play piano relatively well and am relatively smart and am relatively fast and i'm a relatively all-around okay guy, but everything's relative. and i'm still a jerk, and you don't even want to know the thoughts i think and the things i do when no one is watching. i'm a loser. you should have seen me playing basketball tuesday night, you would have known what i'm talking about. i'm weak. do you really want to say i'm not that bad?

you know what?

God does. He says it. in fact, He said it with His life. He said my sin doesn't define me. He said when everything else was about to tear me apart because i wasn't good enough, He would make me good enough. i wouldn't even be good enough, and i don't think He'll tell me that i'm good enough for Him. but He'll say it. He'll say "i deserve someone who's perfect, someone who won't turn their back on me, someone who is perfect at piano and basketball and school. but i want you instead. i seriously want you."

that's why i need this to be true. do you not see? there is nothing greater than this hope, this one hope that everything boils down to God saying i didn't have to be good enough, i only have to believe in Him. someone to say i don't care whether you're unqualified or disqualified by your actions or your lack of faithfulness or your lack of beauty. to say I want you simply because I want you. I created you, and I want you. I want you to know that you were created for My glory, because I want to enjoy you and I want for you to be able to feel My love towards you. there is nothing greater; all the years you spent trying to find happiness, all the times you invested everything into something that let you down, I was right there. and I still am right here. I'm waiting for you, I'm waiting for that split second decision to be made when you decide there's nothing else you want to do but to be Mine and to be defined by Me. I want to be your foundation, your everything. and you'll have everything you could have ever want, and I'll have everything I could ever want - you.