i'm not sure if spring break has ever been so sweet. but it is something beautiful. two classes on Friday, and i was off to a lock-in with a Korean church in OKC. the kids there are all pretty cool. we hung out and ate and Daniel talked a little about 2 Corinthians 13:5, about testing/examining your life. the whole lock-in event was called oneThing, the point being that only one thing matters - relationship with God. the challenge was to really try to examine our relationships with God and see how we were doing - an honest assessment of what we were truly giving to God and what we were holding back from Him.
i guess the first thing i really learned from that Friday night was that honesty doesn't exactly mean repentance. being honest and vulnerable is a very huge first step, but i think what must accompany it is really a willingness to let yourself be changed. it's like if you spill out all of your problems to God, but don't allow Him to have control over the situation or refuse to listen to Him if He guides you. being real is important, but being real about letting God be God is even more important.
i think i had done that with relationship lately, because i was willing to be real about my problems, but i really didn't want to have to listen to God. i would "confess" to God, ie talk about it and speculate and pray that God's will would be done, but i don't really think i ever allowed Him to have control over it. i think i was still holding on to it with everything that i had instead of actually lifting it up to God.
the way the lock-in worked was that there were already four different house churches that made up the youth group, based on gender and then region. i had been going to the Edmond one with Daniel, called The Fish. so everyone went to their respective house churches, ate, and then met up at the big church for worship/a sermon/games. so we did that, and after a Disney song interpretive dance contest (we had Beauty and the Beast and i think we should have won) and a loud worship session, the pastor D.Y. started talking.
he talked about how we have all sorts of crap in our lives that we choose to ignore. we go to church, and yet we still don't really touch the real issues that we face - the real problems don't actually get treated. he talked about how we try to cover up the real issues with works and then it is not too common for our minds to be confused by temptations so that we feel like we are not good enough to approach God or that God couldn't love us simply for who we are. but as we call ourselves Christians, we sorta do have a responsibility to turn to God with everything that we have. to actually let God run our lives. and sometimes that hurts a lot.
DY used a metaphor about salmonella poisoning. you get something foreign or poisonous inside of your body and the body's natural response is to try to get that thing out of it, so one throws up or things of the sort. and it hurts a lot - the pain is inevitable and cannot be ignored. but that's the same thing with God. when we have crap in our lives, it's going to hurt sometimes for our problems to be solved. i think this is what chastening is - it is God making us throw up so that our problems get fixed and we become more and more restored, little by little, day by day. and so even when certain things hurt, one should know that enmity with the world is friendship with Christ, and friendship with Christ is a promise that your needs and desires will be met and surpassed. you will have more than you could imagine.
after the sermon, they started playing worship again, and things started happening. but...i must admit, it was difficult for me. all the lights were off, and i looked around the room at maybe 30 or 40 people, and it was obvious that God was working. it was really obvious, but i didn't feel it. it seemed very difficult, and i must admit that i felt like i was missing out. i really wanted to be lit on fire, praying for people, and really getting to watch God move through me, but that didn't really happen. i had moments of vulnerability and then moments of doubt and frustration with myself. i think the one big thing that i heard God say was to "be still and know that He is God."
i was a little down. but i couldn't deny that God was working, so i guess that was kinda good. we went back to our house church in Edmond and sorta played around. i felt sorta motivated to spend the rest of this week going after God, getting back into the Bible or something like that. back at Edmond, we had some guitar, some Super Smash Brothers, some pizza. some of the guys had learned a dance from OK Go for a talent show Saturday night, so they practiced, and i eventually ended up playing a game of Risk for about three hours before all of us finally called it quits and went to sleep around 6.
my ride back to tulsa came at 10:30, and we were back home around 12:30. things were relatively smooth. i got a sore 6 miles in, not going that fast, but both my calves were about to cramp up. a cold shower followed by a two or so hour nap, followed by pizza. i get to lead worship tomorrow for the English service, so i went to Jojo's and we played for a bit. probably around two or three hours, but this is where things get interesting.
because we were playing a song called I Love You, Lord and we ended up playing the same three chords over and over again for like thirty minutes, i think. grace to sing, grace to pray and play. it was almost like we kept on singing, "let us be a sweet, sweet sound," and even though it started off really normal, there was grace and it went deeper. it turned into following after God's commands, giving Him what He had really asked of us - all of our hearts, minds, strengths, souls. to lay ourselves down at His feet, to give Him control, the glory of our lives. to give Him the attention and focus of our time, our days, our efforts. i don't know. but it was really cool. we played and prayed for quite a while, and i felt God. so that was great. and i sorta felt like the times or seasons were changing. because our church has been struggling lately, and i kinda felt like God was bringing us back to Him, He was redeeming us back into His presence. i don't know if there is any validity to these sentiments, but...it was really nice. getting to feel God again.
i walked back to my house and i admit that i was reflecting a lot on the ecstasy of the situation. i really like feeling God, but i really shouldn't focus on that at all. but rather that God's will would be done and knowing that God is still there, providing for me, leading me, still using me, still shining His light down on me, still coming after and pursuing me. hopefully worship tomorrow morning will be just as great, but rather not because of the ecstasy, lest our hearts deviate from God, but because we will actually touch His heart and know His overwhelming love for us. we will see that God is good and we will know that He has provided for us, that He has remained faithful even after we have turned towards the world to be our savior. and we will lay ourselves down, hoping to be a sweet sacrifice, a sweet, sweet sound that can glorify His name. that we would give everything.
so this has been spring break. i'm a little disappointed the whole youth group isn't in Kansas right now, and i hope that God has His way with the guys who are there, but things are certainly going to be interesting here in Tulsa. thinking about 3 Proverbs a day (with some change) over 9 days to get me through the book this week. and then hopefully continue to pursue more after God. i guess i should really just lay down and see where He takes me. i think i have a tendency to do more talking than listening when i communicate with God
but, anyways. hopefully this will be a week of positive change, priority assessment, and regain of balance and steadfast fire for God. and catching up on sleep, but even then, i guess there are still certain things more important than sleep. yeah.
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