difficult expression

i'm having a little difficulty trying to express myself. i don't know. and my sleep schedule's a little thrown off...class in about seven hours, i need to get some sleep, but i don't want to lie in bed restlessly waiting to fall asleep.

let's be real.

i don't know if i'm lukewarm, and i would stop before i say that i'm stagnant, but...things are kind of weird lately. the Bible study on my floor went over 1 John, chapter 1, today, and it mentioned in verse nine that if we confessed our sins, then Jesus was faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. and before that, it said that if anyone said that they were right with God and lived in darkness, they were lying. and i asked how you would draw the distinction between darkness and light, and we pretty much came up with this answer: that it's somewhat of a posture of the heart.

it's a desire to walk and abide in God and to be close to God, and that kind of desire means a struggling with sin. it is like Romans 7 or so where Paul expresses his dilemma between his flesh, which helplessly sins, and his heart, which diligently yearns to be with Christ. so we are stuck in between a balance in which our hearts desire something that our flesh does not agree with, just as the Spirit and the flesh want opposite things and so contradict each other. the flesh likes things that feel good, likes to be better than other people, and the flesh seeks to justify itself (does not want God because God is a God of grace and mercy, meaning we are not good enough for Him).

so we said that to be in the light was to honestly seek after God, to be vulnerable to Him. it doesn't mean that we don't sin - but that we don't want to sin. we want to be with God, not separated from Him. so there is a constant struggle or battle going on between the things we want and the things we do. and when we are in darkness, we allow ourselves to agree with sin. we say it's okay to fall away from God, or we might deny that we have even fallen from God. i think a large part of it is simply a willingness to compromise, to say we can do whatever it is we wish when we are not our own.

and yet, the past couple days seem like...nothing to me. honestly? these days go by so fast. and i seem to lack...a real direction. a real desire to be close to God. i don't think i'm exactly lukewarm, but i'm not exactly fighting head-on against my sin. i'm a little submissive to the world right now, i think. i just let it take me wherever it wants.

i fill my day with all sorts of activities. classes and socializing. i joined a band with some guy and we try to practice every day for like an hour or two. and i always try to go play basketball on Tuesday nights and then sometimes i want to go run. catch a couple campus ministries. do homework. lots of facebook. and i even want to do that with my summer. go on a mission trip. play a lot of basketball. get a job and make a lot of money.

but the real question is...what am i after? am i after the accomplishments? am i doing the work of God, or am i heaping up things for a resume? and if i am doing the work of God, am i really focusing on the work or am i focusing on God? i'm just...not turned against my sin like i used to be. and it's there. 1 John 1 also very boldly and bluntly says that anyone who denies that they have any sin in themselves is lying and there is no truth in them. i'm not saying, "God, i'm willing to do anything to get to You today. i'm willing to take the next step, i'm eager to see what You have for me, where You're moving around me today, what You're waiting to show me." it's like i'm saying, "God, hold on a sec. i have some homework. and then i want to talk to a girl. then i'll read the Bible for ten or twenty minutes and play my guitar before i go to sleep and i won't have gotten any closer to You, but i will have performed my religious duty for the day." i don't know if that's really what i say, but i don't want that to be what i'm saying with my life.

if life is to fellowship with God, and the end result, the ultimate goal, is to be with God, to be completed and perfected by God... i'm doing a lot of things right now that i maybe simply shouldn't be doing. i don't know. why all the stress on school? school's not bad - in fact, school is a way to learn integrity. new ways to discover what it means to try your hardest on something, a different perspective on doing everything for the Lord, for the glory of God. why all the stress on popularity? popularity isn't bad either. but should not the stress be on God? whatever that looks like.

i want to do my homework and yet have a driving force in my mind saying, "i gotta be getting closer to God. i want to see Him." i want to play basketball and run and socialize and yet have a driving force in myself, a consciousness of bigger things beyond me, saying "where is God working? how can i glorify Him, through my actions, through my words, through my motions? how can i make it so that all anyone ever sees, including myself, is God?" and i don't want to be all talk. i want to be action. i want to be able to show by works, and not even by works, but by life, that God deserves my glory, that God Himself was and still is the only worthy One, the only One who had the power and love, patience, and willingness to change my heart from what it used to be.

i don't want to forget. i want relevance, significance. i want to stare obstacles, tough classes, social situations, and people in the face, and without hesitation speak truth. i want to embrace adventure, for everyday to be something new, for every conversation and every interaction to be something that can't be taken for granted. i want a good day.

1 John 1:9 said that if we confessed our sins, Jesus would forgive us and cleanse us. we would be in the light, and interaction and fellowship would occur, because God is faithful and just. well, i guess, let's be real.

confession requires more than sorrow. it has something to do with a willingness to change. i don't really have that. i have idols around me, lusts, distractions, and i admit that i don't really want to leave them. i want to keep going with them, honestly.

i need a change.

i need to change.