i've been in love before. from my experience, it can consume you. i'll be sitting in class, listening to lecture, and all that is within me wants to be with that person. it changes the way you think, the way you live your life, the way you spend your time. changes simple things like the way you dress or the way you smell or the way you drive because you want to do whatever you can to please that person.
if you had a date with someone you were in love with, you would try to do everything you could to make that night perfect. you would try to plan it down to a T, you would speculate and strategize and think of things you could talk about if things went wrong. you could spend the entire day leading up to that night thinking about it, letting it control you. you could spend the whole week in preparation and anticipation. you would still do all the things you normally do - you could go to school and do homework and go run, heck, even run hard, but your mind wouldn't be there. you would still be captivated in your heart, you would still be waiting for that moment when you would finally be with the one you love.
do you know what i'm talking about?
because that is the relationship we are supposed to have with God.
and i realize i don't really love God the way i might love somebody else. i realize i would drive two hours one way to see my sister for a weekend, but i don't know if i would go two hours out of my way to see God move. i'll let a girl influence the way i dress or the way i act, but i'm not sure i would let God influence the way i live my life or the way i behave.
and the answer is that...i haven't thought about God in a loving way for a long time. when i started becoming a Christian, i could spend the entire school week waiting in anticipation for Friday night, where i could hang out with my youth group friends and worship and learn about God. big events like lock-ins or mission trips could hold my interest for weeks in advance and i would still be buzzing about with excitement weeks later. junior year, that was all that got me through school. i had fallen in love, and it wasn't like i threw everything away. i still worked hard and upheld my responsibilities... but it didn't matter so much. my heart was set on God.
nowadays, things have changed a bit. i dive into the Word, but it's sometimes a different atmosphere. i know i'm supposed to pray to God, because such is vital to relationship with God, so i try to pray. and i try to read a lot of the Bible...tried to go through all of Proverbs this past week. even back here in school, most of my nights are filled with Bible studies and trying to be more and more "Christian." but it's different.
because treating it like obligation sucks the passion out of it. praying to God only because you have to or you feel you should takes emotion out of it, makes it habitual, like a chore. before you know it, you don't even have to think. do you come alive when you take a test or take out the trash? do you come alive meeting the status quo, doing everything you should? i'm not saying we should stop doing any of these things - they're important, and we do them for a reason. but we don't do relationships.
the joy of relationship is in interaction. it is in talking, meeting, working with another person. you don't do a healthy relationship...you touch it and feel it and work with it and spend nights speculating over it and you fall in love with it. that's where the passion is...seeing the joy in someone else's face, seeing their pleasure, feeling their touch. anything less is work.
but yet...we treat God like work. we grudgingly go to church and tithe, we sing our songs without any thought, we pray and read our Bibles like we believe we should and sometimes we change and sometimes we don't change. you know what? God probably wants us to change, but there's something that He wants even more. our hearts... He wants to consume us with passion and love, to spend time with us, to sit you down and make you still and wrap you in His arms because our lives are frantic and we rarely take time to be still and consider what our lives have become and where we are going. and it's easy to think that as long as we do certain things, we will be healthy.
well, it's not that, and life gets boring after a while if all we ever do is do. but God calls us to great things; Paul calls it the "more excellent way" than any of the spiritual gifts. to be driven by love - that would be huge. to be able to go to school and do homework and to do everything we do, and yet not be able to get God off of our minds. to so greatly, genuinely anticipate the day we can spend in church, a time when we can catch a glimpse of God, when we can see Him move. to hear someone talk about God and let it bring us to tears. i suggest that this is what life is meant to be and what we should desire.
driving to church today, i wondered what i desired out of today. i had been praying this for a while - i prayed i would be glorifying to God. but i realized...everything's already created for God's glory. i'm going to be glorifying to God no matter what, whether i want to or not, just as everyone will be glorifying to God in the end. what i want to do is fall in love with God. i want to choose God over everything. i want Him to consume my heart - i don't want Him as an addiction, but i want to be so in love that i consciously know both sides and cannot find anything that i would rather do than spend time with God.
i don't want this to be a post that makes you feel lost or like you haven't loved God for a while. i want it to be encouraging... because we do have a High Priest who can sympathize with our weaknesses. He knows what we go through and He knows what goes on in our heads...He died for us as we were still sinners. even in our worst moments, that was what God died for, and that's what He hopes to redeem. for the times when we rejected God straight to His face, He died for those times. i think loving God has a lot to do with confidence in approaching Him - knowing that He is who He says He is...a Redeemer, a Savior, mighty like a Lion, and peaceful like a Lamb, the God above all, and yet someone who has set everything He has upon capturing the attention of your heart.
it's funny that today happens to be Easter, and the only part of this post i had thought of was the first two paragraphs and everything else followed, but i would really like to encourage whoever you are as well as myself to...try to fall in love with God. we understand what it means to fall in love with another human being, but if we were to fall in love with God, i think things would be so much greater and fulfilling. in fact, it would be life-changing. the ramifications would be endless - if we realized how great God's love is for us and happened to fall in love with Him in response. i can think of nothing greater.
anyways, happy easter. Jesus is alive.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
seek + Elijah (spring break log 2)
---This is pretty much what I got from reading about Elijah in 1 Kings 17/18---
not exactly sure why i'm posting. i don't really have that much to say.
spring break is great. lots of naps, i think i could definitely pull off a 70 hour sleep week. tennis and running today, good weather, Smash Bros Brawl + church yesterday. playing worship at church yesterday morning was a bit difficult, but i guess it was sorta good. i hope anyways.
just finished reading the story of Elijah in 1 Kings. Elijah is introduced in chapter 17, and i started reading in chapter 11, so at least in the six chapters leading up to Elijah, the setting is that Israel is split up. David's son, Solomon, followed well after David for most of his life, but he later took for himself like 600 wives and 300 concubines, who got him to serve foreign gods. the next chapters are about kings killing other kings and these kings of Israel fighting with themselves and serving foreign gods and that they were more evil than the kings before them. at its worse, Ahab is king, and he marries Jezebel and establishes a temple for Baal.
elijah is introduced and tells Ahab that it won't rain until elijah says so, at the word of God. then elijah leaves and is brought meat and bread by ravens for a while and drinks from a brook. but the brook dries up, so God tells him to go into a city, where he has commanded a widow to provide for him. (hold on and think about that...that would be a bit humbling. to be a prophet of God and yet to "leech" off of a widow, who makes it clear that she and her son are about to eat their last meal and then wait to die.) and yet the widow and her son seem to be weak, God sustains them as long as they provide for Elijah, though they do not have enough flour nor oil.
the widow's son ends up dying, and elijah prays to God and the son is brought back to life. the widow acknowledges God is real. interestingly enough, she said she was about to prepare their last meal when Elijah comes up and asks not only for a cup of water, but some bread, and she agrees to meet his requests. maybe it was the beckoning of God, but what she essentially chose to do was give her and her son's last meal to this stranger who had just approached her. the result was life to the fullest (John 10:10 - "I [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly"). what this greater life required of her was everything she had, and yet the result was prolonged life, the life of her son, and perhaps eternity (at least the knowledge of God, in which is understanding, according to Proverbs).
God tells Elijah to go back to Ahab, so Elijah goes, and it hasn't rained for three years. Elijah pretty much challenges Ahab and the 450 priests of Baal to a showdown in front of all of Israel at Mount Carmel. Elijah asks, "How long will you falter between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow Him; but if Baal, follow him" (18:21).
now this is no blind faith. i think Christians are commonly criticized for blind or impersonal faith, that we are simply following rituals to make ourselves feel self-righteous and better than other people. like there's actually no substance to the Christian religion or faith. but for Elijah to say this..."if the Lord is God, follow Him; but if Baal, follow him," is risky. either God is really real and Elijah knows God...or Elijah will be ridiculed, his name ruined, his life forever marked by shame.
but what happens next shows Elijah really had faith, and his faith wasn't in vain. Elijah put it all on the line for this faith, for this belief in God, and the results confirmed that God is God. Elijah challenges all of the prophets of Baal, saying that they will both take two bulls and put them on altars, and they will call out to their respective god and Elijah will call out to his God, and the god who sends down fire to the altar will be God. the prophets of Baal go first, and they pray to Baal "from morning even till noon, saying 'O Baal, hear us!' But there was no voice; no one answered. then they leaped about the altar which they had made" (18:26). then Elijah starts making fun of them, saying that maybe Baal is asleep or he is busy; the prophets of Baal start cutting themselves with knives, "But there was no voice; no one answered, no one paid attention."
it's then elijah's turn. now, before this, by the word of God, it had not rained in Israel for three years, and it was elijah who had approached King Ahab to tell him this. so elijah was in danger. after elijah sets up his altar, he gets some people to fill four waterpots with water and then pour it over the altar. and then he tells them to do it again. and again. there is a trench around the altar and he even fills that with water. (by then, skeptics would be saying "i hope you know what you're doing" and those with similar confidence in God of Israel might smile to themselves and say "now he's just showing off.")
anyways, Elijah prays to God, saying "let it be known this day that You are God in Israel...that this people may know that You are the Lord God, and that You have turned their hearts back to You again" (18:37). and fire falls down.
not a blind faith. Elijah's faith was first based on relationship with God and obedience to His commands. and i think that's important. things are better when they're not a blind faith - when you are actually in communication with God, things change. you are fulfilled, you have a sense of purpose or identity, and you have someone to turn to. and you partake in the plan of God - for Elijah, God fed him with ravens (and later fed him with angels) and sent fire to burn up a bull in front of an entire nation. but things shouldn't even be of blind faith...
school should help you out...the purpose of schooling is to become educated, because it actually has real world applications. in the same way, religion should help you out. it shouldn't have to be blind either, not the Christian faith. it should actually help you out. we all have real problems...with family or ourselves or just certain things not being fulfilling. i'm not saying that the only reason God is God is to fulfill our lives and make everything convenient, but i'm trying to say that He is real and His love is real - real enough that you see actual change in your life.
the thing is that we have all these influences around us and we invest ourselves in them a lot, and a lot of them can make us feel good and a lot of them can make us feel bad. i guess the real question is where it takes you in the end. with anything that you invest yourself in for the long run, i think you start to see changes in your life. from personal experience, i liked the long term result of trying to be committed to God. i was overall much happier, with less mood swings, more reason to live life, and i liked how i seemed to be maturing. and i think maturing comes with age, but i think the way it came for me, a lot of it was also because God was changing me.
in Proberbs 9, wisdom (somewhat personified) says, "'Whoever is simple, let him turn in here...Come, eat of my bread and drink of the wine i have mixed. Forsake foolishness and live, and go in the way of understanding." several verses later, it starts talking about a foolish woman (like a harlot or prostitute) who says, "Whoever is simple, let him turn in here...stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant." they both seem to be saying very similar things: both seem to offer something great, something worthwhile.
life is a learning process. if you don't know where to go, it makes sense to seek out the best choice and go with that. but even then...it shouldn't be blind faith. see where it takes you, see what you like about it, what you don't. question how it might change you and whether you like that change. and it's never too late to start a new path. i can say i wasted at least three years of my life following after things that were having a negative effect on me, and that would be an understatement. but God still led me to Himself, and i think having gone through those tough years and problems that were the result of my own choices for my life led me to understand just why i needed/need God so much.
---
anyways, i guess maybe i did have something to say. spring break is still a beautiful thing, catching up on sleep and hanging out. and i guess i can see how long i can go without doing anything school related.
not exactly sure why i'm posting. i don't really have that much to say.
spring break is great. lots of naps, i think i could definitely pull off a 70 hour sleep week. tennis and running today, good weather, Smash Bros Brawl + church yesterday. playing worship at church yesterday morning was a bit difficult, but i guess it was sorta good. i hope anyways.
just finished reading the story of Elijah in 1 Kings. Elijah is introduced in chapter 17, and i started reading in chapter 11, so at least in the six chapters leading up to Elijah, the setting is that Israel is split up. David's son, Solomon, followed well after David for most of his life, but he later took for himself like 600 wives and 300 concubines, who got him to serve foreign gods. the next chapters are about kings killing other kings and these kings of Israel fighting with themselves and serving foreign gods and that they were more evil than the kings before them. at its worse, Ahab is king, and he marries Jezebel and establishes a temple for Baal.
elijah is introduced and tells Ahab that it won't rain until elijah says so, at the word of God. then elijah leaves and is brought meat and bread by ravens for a while and drinks from a brook. but the brook dries up, so God tells him to go into a city, where he has commanded a widow to provide for him. (hold on and think about that...that would be a bit humbling. to be a prophet of God and yet to "leech" off of a widow, who makes it clear that she and her son are about to eat their last meal and then wait to die.) and yet the widow and her son seem to be weak, God sustains them as long as they provide for Elijah, though they do not have enough flour nor oil.
the widow's son ends up dying, and elijah prays to God and the son is brought back to life. the widow acknowledges God is real. interestingly enough, she said she was about to prepare their last meal when Elijah comes up and asks not only for a cup of water, but some bread, and she agrees to meet his requests. maybe it was the beckoning of God, but what she essentially chose to do was give her and her son's last meal to this stranger who had just approached her. the result was life to the fullest (John 10:10 - "I [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly"). what this greater life required of her was everything she had, and yet the result was prolonged life, the life of her son, and perhaps eternity (at least the knowledge of God, in which is understanding, according to Proverbs).
God tells Elijah to go back to Ahab, so Elijah goes, and it hasn't rained for three years. Elijah pretty much challenges Ahab and the 450 priests of Baal to a showdown in front of all of Israel at Mount Carmel. Elijah asks, "How long will you falter between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow Him; but if Baal, follow him" (18:21).
now this is no blind faith. i think Christians are commonly criticized for blind or impersonal faith, that we are simply following rituals to make ourselves feel self-righteous and better than other people. like there's actually no substance to the Christian religion or faith. but for Elijah to say this..."if the Lord is God, follow Him; but if Baal, follow him," is risky. either God is really real and Elijah knows God...or Elijah will be ridiculed, his name ruined, his life forever marked by shame.
but what happens next shows Elijah really had faith, and his faith wasn't in vain. Elijah put it all on the line for this faith, for this belief in God, and the results confirmed that God is God. Elijah challenges all of the prophets of Baal, saying that they will both take two bulls and put them on altars, and they will call out to their respective god and Elijah will call out to his God, and the god who sends down fire to the altar will be God. the prophets of Baal go first, and they pray to Baal "from morning even till noon, saying 'O Baal, hear us!' But there was no voice; no one answered. then they leaped about the altar which they had made" (18:26). then Elijah starts making fun of them, saying that maybe Baal is asleep or he is busy; the prophets of Baal start cutting themselves with knives, "But there was no voice; no one answered, no one paid attention."
it's then elijah's turn. now, before this, by the word of God, it had not rained in Israel for three years, and it was elijah who had approached King Ahab to tell him this. so elijah was in danger. after elijah sets up his altar, he gets some people to fill four waterpots with water and then pour it over the altar. and then he tells them to do it again. and again. there is a trench around the altar and he even fills that with water. (by then, skeptics would be saying "i hope you know what you're doing" and those with similar confidence in God of Israel might smile to themselves and say "now he's just showing off.")
anyways, Elijah prays to God, saying "let it be known this day that You are God in Israel...that this people may know that You are the Lord God, and that You have turned their hearts back to You again" (18:37). and fire falls down.
not a blind faith. Elijah's faith was first based on relationship with God and obedience to His commands. and i think that's important. things are better when they're not a blind faith - when you are actually in communication with God, things change. you are fulfilled, you have a sense of purpose or identity, and you have someone to turn to. and you partake in the plan of God - for Elijah, God fed him with ravens (and later fed him with angels) and sent fire to burn up a bull in front of an entire nation. but things shouldn't even be of blind faith...
school should help you out...the purpose of schooling is to become educated, because it actually has real world applications. in the same way, religion should help you out. it shouldn't have to be blind either, not the Christian faith. it should actually help you out. we all have real problems...with family or ourselves or just certain things not being fulfilling. i'm not saying that the only reason God is God is to fulfill our lives and make everything convenient, but i'm trying to say that He is real and His love is real - real enough that you see actual change in your life.
the thing is that we have all these influences around us and we invest ourselves in them a lot, and a lot of them can make us feel good and a lot of them can make us feel bad. i guess the real question is where it takes you in the end. with anything that you invest yourself in for the long run, i think you start to see changes in your life. from personal experience, i liked the long term result of trying to be committed to God. i was overall much happier, with less mood swings, more reason to live life, and i liked how i seemed to be maturing. and i think maturing comes with age, but i think the way it came for me, a lot of it was also because God was changing me.
in Proberbs 9, wisdom (somewhat personified) says, "'Whoever is simple, let him turn in here...Come, eat of my bread and drink of the wine i have mixed. Forsake foolishness and live, and go in the way of understanding." several verses later, it starts talking about a foolish woman (like a harlot or prostitute) who says, "Whoever is simple, let him turn in here...stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant." they both seem to be saying very similar things: both seem to offer something great, something worthwhile.
life is a learning process. if you don't know where to go, it makes sense to seek out the best choice and go with that. but even then...it shouldn't be blind faith. see where it takes you, see what you like about it, what you don't. question how it might change you and whether you like that change. and it's never too late to start a new path. i can say i wasted at least three years of my life following after things that were having a negative effect on me, and that would be an understatement. but God still led me to Himself, and i think having gone through those tough years and problems that were the result of my own choices for my life led me to understand just why i needed/need God so much.
---
anyways, i guess maybe i did have something to say. spring break is still a beautiful thing, catching up on sleep and hanging out. and i guess i can see how long i can go without doing anything school related.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
sweet song (spring break log 1)
i'm not sure if spring break has ever been so sweet. but it is something beautiful. two classes on Friday, and i was off to a lock-in with a Korean church in OKC. the kids there are all pretty cool. we hung out and ate and Daniel talked a little about 2 Corinthians 13:5, about testing/examining your life. the whole lock-in event was called oneThing, the point being that only one thing matters - relationship with God. the challenge was to really try to examine our relationships with God and see how we were doing - an honest assessment of what we were truly giving to God and what we were holding back from Him.
i guess the first thing i really learned from that Friday night was that honesty doesn't exactly mean repentance. being honest and vulnerable is a very huge first step, but i think what must accompany it is really a willingness to let yourself be changed. it's like if you spill out all of your problems to God, but don't allow Him to have control over the situation or refuse to listen to Him if He guides you. being real is important, but being real about letting God be God is even more important.
i think i had done that with relationship lately, because i was willing to be real about my problems, but i really didn't want to have to listen to God. i would "confess" to God, ie talk about it and speculate and pray that God's will would be done, but i don't really think i ever allowed Him to have control over it. i think i was still holding on to it with everything that i had instead of actually lifting it up to God.
the way the lock-in worked was that there were already four different house churches that made up the youth group, based on gender and then region. i had been going to the Edmond one with Daniel, called The Fish. so everyone went to their respective house churches, ate, and then met up at the big church for worship/a sermon/games. so we did that, and after a Disney song interpretive dance contest (we had Beauty and the Beast and i think we should have won) and a loud worship session, the pastor D.Y. started talking.
he talked about how we have all sorts of crap in our lives that we choose to ignore. we go to church, and yet we still don't really touch the real issues that we face - the real problems don't actually get treated. he talked about how we try to cover up the real issues with works and then it is not too common for our minds to be confused by temptations so that we feel like we are not good enough to approach God or that God couldn't love us simply for who we are. but as we call ourselves Christians, we sorta do have a responsibility to turn to God with everything that we have. to actually let God run our lives. and sometimes that hurts a lot.
DY used a metaphor about salmonella poisoning. you get something foreign or poisonous inside of your body and the body's natural response is to try to get that thing out of it, so one throws up or things of the sort. and it hurts a lot - the pain is inevitable and cannot be ignored. but that's the same thing with God. when we have crap in our lives, it's going to hurt sometimes for our problems to be solved. i think this is what chastening is - it is God making us throw up so that our problems get fixed and we become more and more restored, little by little, day by day. and so even when certain things hurt, one should know that enmity with the world is friendship with Christ, and friendship with Christ is a promise that your needs and desires will be met and surpassed. you will have more than you could imagine.
after the sermon, they started playing worship again, and things started happening. but...i must admit, it was difficult for me. all the lights were off, and i looked around the room at maybe 30 or 40 people, and it was obvious that God was working. it was really obvious, but i didn't feel it. it seemed very difficult, and i must admit that i felt like i was missing out. i really wanted to be lit on fire, praying for people, and really getting to watch God move through me, but that didn't really happen. i had moments of vulnerability and then moments of doubt and frustration with myself. i think the one big thing that i heard God say was to "be still and know that He is God."
i was a little down. but i couldn't deny that God was working, so i guess that was kinda good. we went back to our house church in Edmond and sorta played around. i felt sorta motivated to spend the rest of this week going after God, getting back into the Bible or something like that. back at Edmond, we had some guitar, some Super Smash Brothers, some pizza. some of the guys had learned a dance from OK Go for a talent show Saturday night, so they practiced, and i eventually ended up playing a game of Risk for about three hours before all of us finally called it quits and went to sleep around 6.
my ride back to tulsa came at 10:30, and we were back home around 12:30. things were relatively smooth. i got a sore 6 miles in, not going that fast, but both my calves were about to cramp up. a cold shower followed by a two or so hour nap, followed by pizza. i get to lead worship tomorrow for the English service, so i went to Jojo's and we played for a bit. probably around two or three hours, but this is where things get interesting.
because we were playing a song called I Love You, Lord and we ended up playing the same three chords over and over again for like thirty minutes, i think. grace to sing, grace to pray and play. it was almost like we kept on singing, "let us be a sweet, sweet sound," and even though it started off really normal, there was grace and it went deeper. it turned into following after God's commands, giving Him what He had really asked of us - all of our hearts, minds, strengths, souls. to lay ourselves down at His feet, to give Him control, the glory of our lives. to give Him the attention and focus of our time, our days, our efforts. i don't know. but it was really cool. we played and prayed for quite a while, and i felt God. so that was great. and i sorta felt like the times or seasons were changing. because our church has been struggling lately, and i kinda felt like God was bringing us back to Him, He was redeeming us back into His presence. i don't know if there is any validity to these sentiments, but...it was really nice. getting to feel God again.
i walked back to my house and i admit that i was reflecting a lot on the ecstasy of the situation. i really like feeling God, but i really shouldn't focus on that at all. but rather that God's will would be done and knowing that God is still there, providing for me, leading me, still using me, still shining His light down on me, still coming after and pursuing me. hopefully worship tomorrow morning will be just as great, but rather not because of the ecstasy, lest our hearts deviate from God, but because we will actually touch His heart and know His overwhelming love for us. we will see that God is good and we will know that He has provided for us, that He has remained faithful even after we have turned towards the world to be our savior. and we will lay ourselves down, hoping to be a sweet sacrifice, a sweet, sweet sound that can glorify His name. that we would give everything.
so this has been spring break. i'm a little disappointed the whole youth group isn't in Kansas right now, and i hope that God has His way with the guys who are there, but things are certainly going to be interesting here in Tulsa. thinking about 3 Proverbs a day (with some change) over 9 days to get me through the book this week. and then hopefully continue to pursue more after God. i guess i should really just lay down and see where He takes me. i think i have a tendency to do more talking than listening when i communicate with God
but, anyways. hopefully this will be a week of positive change, priority assessment, and regain of balance and steadfast fire for God. and catching up on sleep, but even then, i guess there are still certain things more important than sleep. yeah.
i guess the first thing i really learned from that Friday night was that honesty doesn't exactly mean repentance. being honest and vulnerable is a very huge first step, but i think what must accompany it is really a willingness to let yourself be changed. it's like if you spill out all of your problems to God, but don't allow Him to have control over the situation or refuse to listen to Him if He guides you. being real is important, but being real about letting God be God is even more important.
i think i had done that with relationship lately, because i was willing to be real about my problems, but i really didn't want to have to listen to God. i would "confess" to God, ie talk about it and speculate and pray that God's will would be done, but i don't really think i ever allowed Him to have control over it. i think i was still holding on to it with everything that i had instead of actually lifting it up to God.
the way the lock-in worked was that there were already four different house churches that made up the youth group, based on gender and then region. i had been going to the Edmond one with Daniel, called The Fish. so everyone went to their respective house churches, ate, and then met up at the big church for worship/a sermon/games. so we did that, and after a Disney song interpretive dance contest (we had Beauty and the Beast and i think we should have won) and a loud worship session, the pastor D.Y. started talking.
he talked about how we have all sorts of crap in our lives that we choose to ignore. we go to church, and yet we still don't really touch the real issues that we face - the real problems don't actually get treated. he talked about how we try to cover up the real issues with works and then it is not too common for our minds to be confused by temptations so that we feel like we are not good enough to approach God or that God couldn't love us simply for who we are. but as we call ourselves Christians, we sorta do have a responsibility to turn to God with everything that we have. to actually let God run our lives. and sometimes that hurts a lot.
DY used a metaphor about salmonella poisoning. you get something foreign or poisonous inside of your body and the body's natural response is to try to get that thing out of it, so one throws up or things of the sort. and it hurts a lot - the pain is inevitable and cannot be ignored. but that's the same thing with God. when we have crap in our lives, it's going to hurt sometimes for our problems to be solved. i think this is what chastening is - it is God making us throw up so that our problems get fixed and we become more and more restored, little by little, day by day. and so even when certain things hurt, one should know that enmity with the world is friendship with Christ, and friendship with Christ is a promise that your needs and desires will be met and surpassed. you will have more than you could imagine.
after the sermon, they started playing worship again, and things started happening. but...i must admit, it was difficult for me. all the lights were off, and i looked around the room at maybe 30 or 40 people, and it was obvious that God was working. it was really obvious, but i didn't feel it. it seemed very difficult, and i must admit that i felt like i was missing out. i really wanted to be lit on fire, praying for people, and really getting to watch God move through me, but that didn't really happen. i had moments of vulnerability and then moments of doubt and frustration with myself. i think the one big thing that i heard God say was to "be still and know that He is God."
i was a little down. but i couldn't deny that God was working, so i guess that was kinda good. we went back to our house church in Edmond and sorta played around. i felt sorta motivated to spend the rest of this week going after God, getting back into the Bible or something like that. back at Edmond, we had some guitar, some Super Smash Brothers, some pizza. some of the guys had learned a dance from OK Go for a talent show Saturday night, so they practiced, and i eventually ended up playing a game of Risk for about three hours before all of us finally called it quits and went to sleep around 6.
my ride back to tulsa came at 10:30, and we were back home around 12:30. things were relatively smooth. i got a sore 6 miles in, not going that fast, but both my calves were about to cramp up. a cold shower followed by a two or so hour nap, followed by pizza. i get to lead worship tomorrow for the English service, so i went to Jojo's and we played for a bit. probably around two or three hours, but this is where things get interesting.
because we were playing a song called I Love You, Lord and we ended up playing the same three chords over and over again for like thirty minutes, i think. grace to sing, grace to pray and play. it was almost like we kept on singing, "let us be a sweet, sweet sound," and even though it started off really normal, there was grace and it went deeper. it turned into following after God's commands, giving Him what He had really asked of us - all of our hearts, minds, strengths, souls. to lay ourselves down at His feet, to give Him control, the glory of our lives. to give Him the attention and focus of our time, our days, our efforts. i don't know. but it was really cool. we played and prayed for quite a while, and i felt God. so that was great. and i sorta felt like the times or seasons were changing. because our church has been struggling lately, and i kinda felt like God was bringing us back to Him, He was redeeming us back into His presence. i don't know if there is any validity to these sentiments, but...it was really nice. getting to feel God again.
i walked back to my house and i admit that i was reflecting a lot on the ecstasy of the situation. i really like feeling God, but i really shouldn't focus on that at all. but rather that God's will would be done and knowing that God is still there, providing for me, leading me, still using me, still shining His light down on me, still coming after and pursuing me. hopefully worship tomorrow morning will be just as great, but rather not because of the ecstasy, lest our hearts deviate from God, but because we will actually touch His heart and know His overwhelming love for us. we will see that God is good and we will know that He has provided for us, that He has remained faithful even after we have turned towards the world to be our savior. and we will lay ourselves down, hoping to be a sweet sacrifice, a sweet, sweet sound that can glorify His name. that we would give everything.
so this has been spring break. i'm a little disappointed the whole youth group isn't in Kansas right now, and i hope that God has His way with the guys who are there, but things are certainly going to be interesting here in Tulsa. thinking about 3 Proverbs a day (with some change) over 9 days to get me through the book this week. and then hopefully continue to pursue more after God. i guess i should really just lay down and see where He takes me. i think i have a tendency to do more talking than listening when i communicate with God
but, anyways. hopefully this will be a week of positive change, priority assessment, and regain of balance and steadfast fire for God. and catching up on sleep, but even then, i guess there are still certain things more important than sleep. yeah.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
untitled
in a moment of vulnerability...i looked around and pondered the foolishness of my beliefs, questioning whether i knew what i was getting myself into. do i really believe God...do i really believe?
i started hanging out with some new people, guys from APO. one of the guys is Muslim, and i don't hesitate to say he is probably the most religious guy i know. and i'm not saying "spiritual tolerance" or anything, and i'm not saying that he's justified by being religious or by doing all of the things he does or even by doing them with passion. i'm saying...it's impressive for him to be so religious.
i need for this to be true. i need for God to be true. because if it's not, i have nothing.
i'm a jerk. i can play piano relatively well and am relatively smart and am relatively fast and i'm a relatively all-around okay guy, but everything's relative. and i'm still a jerk, and you don't even want to know the thoughts i think and the things i do when no one is watching. i'm a loser. you should have seen me playing basketball tuesday night, you would have known what i'm talking about. i'm weak. do you really want to say i'm not that bad?
you know what?
God does. He says it. in fact, He said it with His life. He said my sin doesn't define me. He said when everything else was about to tear me apart because i wasn't good enough, He would make me good enough. i wouldn't even be good enough, and i don't think He'll tell me that i'm good enough for Him. but He'll say it. He'll say "i deserve someone who's perfect, someone who won't turn their back on me, someone who is perfect at piano and basketball and school. but i want you instead. i seriously want you."
that's why i need this to be true. do you not see? there is nothing greater than this hope, this one hope that everything boils down to God saying i didn't have to be good enough, i only have to believe in Him. someone to say i don't care whether you're unqualified or disqualified by your actions or your lack of faithfulness or your lack of beauty. to say I want you simply because I want you. I created you, and I want you. I want you to know that you were created for My glory, because I want to enjoy you and I want for you to be able to feel My love towards you. there is nothing greater; all the years you spent trying to find happiness, all the times you invested everything into something that let you down, I was right there. and I still am right here. I'm waiting for you, I'm waiting for that split second decision to be made when you decide there's nothing else you want to do but to be Mine and to be defined by Me. I want to be your foundation, your everything. and you'll have everything you could have ever want, and I'll have everything I could ever want - you.
i started hanging out with some new people, guys from APO. one of the guys is Muslim, and i don't hesitate to say he is probably the most religious guy i know. and i'm not saying "spiritual tolerance" or anything, and i'm not saying that he's justified by being religious or by doing all of the things he does or even by doing them with passion. i'm saying...it's impressive for him to be so religious.
i need for this to be true. i need for God to be true. because if it's not, i have nothing.
i'm a jerk. i can play piano relatively well and am relatively smart and am relatively fast and i'm a relatively all-around okay guy, but everything's relative. and i'm still a jerk, and you don't even want to know the thoughts i think and the things i do when no one is watching. i'm a loser. you should have seen me playing basketball tuesday night, you would have known what i'm talking about. i'm weak. do you really want to say i'm not that bad?
you know what?
God does. He says it. in fact, He said it with His life. He said my sin doesn't define me. He said when everything else was about to tear me apart because i wasn't good enough, He would make me good enough. i wouldn't even be good enough, and i don't think He'll tell me that i'm good enough for Him. but He'll say it. He'll say "i deserve someone who's perfect, someone who won't turn their back on me, someone who is perfect at piano and basketball and school. but i want you instead. i seriously want you."
that's why i need this to be true. do you not see? there is nothing greater than this hope, this one hope that everything boils down to God saying i didn't have to be good enough, i only have to believe in Him. someone to say i don't care whether you're unqualified or disqualified by your actions or your lack of faithfulness or your lack of beauty. to say I want you simply because I want you. I created you, and I want you. I want you to know that you were created for My glory, because I want to enjoy you and I want for you to be able to feel My love towards you. there is nothing greater; all the years you spent trying to find happiness, all the times you invested everything into something that let you down, I was right there. and I still am right here. I'm waiting for you, I'm waiting for that split second decision to be made when you decide there's nothing else you want to do but to be Mine and to be defined by Me. I want to be your foundation, your everything. and you'll have everything you could have ever want, and I'll have everything I could ever want - you.
Monday, March 10, 2008
things to get closer
i sent out this facebook message (now slightly edited) to our youth group about half a year ago, towards the end of summer before i came to OU (thought it might be helpful, and feel free to add on):
---
hey, a couple of us compiled this list of things we could do to try to get closer to God at my house this past night, and i thought it might be useful to others. keep in mind that...these are only things that are supposed to bring us closer, to help us fall in love. they're only tools. if one starts to do them simply for the sake of doing them, one is missing the point. here's the list. feel free to add on - message me or something.
--tell God what happened today - converse freely. you can look around your room or setting and thank Him for what He's done. it might help to even go on a walk. the idea is...it's prayer. and prayer isn't necessarily and shouldn't completely be just asking for things - it should be conversation. in the process of prayer, there won't always be some kind of catharsis, but being in communication with God should be a time of honesty and letting go or realizing that someone is listening to anything you want to say. and the more time you spend with anyone, the more you become like them.
--secret/sacred place - somewhere personal where you can simply expect to meet God, on a personal level. like a prayer house, or just somewhere where it is either set aside for you to focus on God or somewhere where it seems you can escape. another good point is that expectation is great...expect to see God in certain areas or times of your day (like true desire), and He seems to respect that very nicely.
--periodic quiet times - self explanatory. a little groove is nice, as long as it stays interesting or exciting. would probably help a lot in times of desolation. additionally, if you're having trouble getting started, i think the short letters in the New Testament are great - Galatians through Colossians, 1 John, 1 Peter, James. a Proverb a day means the whole book in a month, and i know several of my friends who do a Psalm a day. a little consistency is nice. sometimes there is grace to do it in the morning, but it really does make a difference the more awake you are.
--write things down - keep a journal or just jot down quick notes. it seems like i never remember anything from a sermon if i don't write anything down. and it used to be that anything really important would end up on my wall. in high school, they always said to put your list of goals on your bedroom door so you would see it every morning.
--visual reminders - on your mirror, planner, hand, walls, bedroom door, etc. simply a reminder. i think all those WWJD bracelets served that purpose very well
--watch your input - TV, youtube, facebook, etc. (it could even be relationships) what you spend your time doing determines a lot of the way you think, a lot of the content you think about.
--daily Bible verse - hey, facebook has one of these apps. Air1, a Christian radio station, has a daily Bible verse e-mailed every morning. you could probably find a lot of different services that would get you a verse a day. beats the SAT question of the day any day.
--fellowship - hanging out with people. supporting each other and getting supported. and having fun and relaxing and sometimes pouring out emotions and expressing things that you just need to let out. this helps having a small group or ministry that you can count on, especially if they meet once or twice a week. you should just be able to be real with them, without having to feel like you have to be someone else. community is incredibly important.
--outlets for expression - things like art, music, dance. things where it seems like you can be yourself. i guess for me, it's sorta like running, because i sorta find God there and i can express myself that way. it could really look like anything. painting, basketball, playing piano, knitting, listening to music, hanging out [people/social interaction]. it could be anything.
--constant prayer - mike did this thing where his watch would beep ever half hour and he would just pray something and then maybe go back to whatever he was doing. he said when he did it, there was extreme grace to do it, so that within a week or so, he found he didn't need his watch to beep anymore beacuse he was perpetually praying.
--worship - it helps if you play an instrument, but singing is just as legit. worship is something that you can lose yourself in sometimes, whether you are playing an instrument or listening to music. some suggestions for cool worship music? Hillsong United, Chris Tomlin, David Crowder Band, Matt Redman, the Passion CDs
--carrying around a Bible and reading it it really is the Word of God. God is all over it. if you need somewhere to look to find Him, the Bible is a place to look.
there it is, hope it helps. incredibly important to stress that it doesn't take any of these things to fall in love with God. it's just that some of these things could help bring us closer to God. at the end of the day, it's still always about what God did for us and whether or not we were able to take steps towards Him, not how much we were able to accomplish for Him.
---
really dwelling on God (being God-conscious) seems to result in really spending your day or time with God. it is like He is really there with You, and time spent with God does not go in vain. there is a connection going on on a heart level, whether you are in church or in class or running a race or shopping. also, being in prayer and focusing on the things of God makes you more spiritually minded, so i think you really begin to hear God speak. there is an incredible stress on the Bible, prayer, and church, because these are three very strong connections that we have to God, but all of these can be misused and manipulated by some so that they no longer lead directly to God.
i would add to that list that fasting is something that can be used, God willing, to grow closer to God. it seeks to replace the desire of human flesh with desire for God, so much that we are fed and satisfied by God Himself rather than food or Facebook. fasting and prayer should go hand in hand.
something else, though it probably wouldn't fit into a single day, is short term or long term missions. to do the work of God by building houses or relationships and seeking to blatantly live for the gospel. it is something great to be out on the missions field, to be called a missionary, and to be able to say and believe "the only reason i am here is because of God. i am serving God in this place, and that is my purpose and identity."
another thing - it helps to get sleep. it helps to be well rested. it is hard to pursue or even just think things through if your mind is lagging. at the same time, it helps not to be so bogged down by a schedule or activities so that you cannot think of anything besides what you need to be doing or what you should be doing. on the other hand, if God has called you to that and that is where you are supposed to be, then go with that. but it might be counterproductive and distracting to try to balance so many various activities as well as maintain a healthy relationship with Christ.
hope this helps. and i bet there will be certain areas in your life where you might really simply feel God, in some weird fascinating sense. basketball, gardening, even school. God can be found anywhere, and we are all uniquely made to enjoy Him. hope this helps [and would love input]
---
hey, a couple of us compiled this list of things we could do to try to get closer to God at my house this past night, and i thought it might be useful to others. keep in mind that...these are only things that are supposed to bring us closer, to help us fall in love. they're only tools. if one starts to do them simply for the sake of doing them, one is missing the point. here's the list. feel free to add on - message me or something.
--tell God what happened today - converse freely. you can look around your room or setting and thank Him for what He's done. it might help to even go on a walk. the idea is...it's prayer. and prayer isn't necessarily and shouldn't completely be just asking for things - it should be conversation. in the process of prayer, there won't always be some kind of catharsis, but being in communication with God should be a time of honesty and letting go or realizing that someone is listening to anything you want to say. and the more time you spend with anyone, the more you become like them.
--secret/sacred place - somewhere personal where you can simply expect to meet God, on a personal level. like a prayer house, or just somewhere where it is either set aside for you to focus on God or somewhere where it seems you can escape. another good point is that expectation is great...expect to see God in certain areas or times of your day (like true desire), and He seems to respect that very nicely.
--periodic quiet times - self explanatory. a little groove is nice, as long as it stays interesting or exciting. would probably help a lot in times of desolation. additionally, if you're having trouble getting started, i think the short letters in the New Testament are great - Galatians through Colossians, 1 John, 1 Peter, James. a Proverb a day means the whole book in a month, and i know several of my friends who do a Psalm a day. a little consistency is nice. sometimes there is grace to do it in the morning, but it really does make a difference the more awake you are.
--write things down - keep a journal or just jot down quick notes. it seems like i never remember anything from a sermon if i don't write anything down. and it used to be that anything really important would end up on my wall. in high school, they always said to put your list of goals on your bedroom door so you would see it every morning.
--visual reminders - on your mirror, planner, hand, walls, bedroom door, etc. simply a reminder. i think all those WWJD bracelets served that purpose very well
--watch your input - TV, youtube, facebook, etc. (it could even be relationships) what you spend your time doing determines a lot of the way you think, a lot of the content you think about.
--daily Bible verse - hey, facebook has one of these apps. Air1, a Christian radio station, has a daily Bible verse e-mailed every morning. you could probably find a lot of different services that would get you a verse a day. beats the SAT question of the day any day.
--fellowship - hanging out with people. supporting each other and getting supported. and having fun and relaxing and sometimes pouring out emotions and expressing things that you just need to let out. this helps having a small group or ministry that you can count on, especially if they meet once or twice a week. you should just be able to be real with them, without having to feel like you have to be someone else. community is incredibly important.
--outlets for expression - things like art, music, dance. things where it seems like you can be yourself. i guess for me, it's sorta like running, because i sorta find God there and i can express myself that way. it could really look like anything. painting, basketball, playing piano, knitting, listening to music, hanging out [people/social interaction]. it could be anything.
--constant prayer - mike did this thing where his watch would beep ever half hour and he would just pray something and then maybe go back to whatever he was doing. he said when he did it, there was extreme grace to do it, so that within a week or so, he found he didn't need his watch to beep anymore beacuse he was perpetually praying.
--worship - it helps if you play an instrument, but singing is just as legit. worship is something that you can lose yourself in sometimes, whether you are playing an instrument or listening to music. some suggestions for cool worship music? Hillsong United, Chris Tomlin, David Crowder Band, Matt Redman, the Passion CDs
--carrying around a Bible and reading it it really is the Word of God. God is all over it. if you need somewhere to look to find Him, the Bible is a place to look.
there it is, hope it helps. incredibly important to stress that it doesn't take any of these things to fall in love with God. it's just that some of these things could help bring us closer to God. at the end of the day, it's still always about what God did for us and whether or not we were able to take steps towards Him, not how much we were able to accomplish for Him.
---
really dwelling on God (being God-conscious) seems to result in really spending your day or time with God. it is like He is really there with You, and time spent with God does not go in vain. there is a connection going on on a heart level, whether you are in church or in class or running a race or shopping. also, being in prayer and focusing on the things of God makes you more spiritually minded, so i think you really begin to hear God speak. there is an incredible stress on the Bible, prayer, and church, because these are three very strong connections that we have to God, but all of these can be misused and manipulated by some so that they no longer lead directly to God.
i would add to that list that fasting is something that can be used, God willing, to grow closer to God. it seeks to replace the desire of human flesh with desire for God, so much that we are fed and satisfied by God Himself rather than food or Facebook. fasting and prayer should go hand in hand.
something else, though it probably wouldn't fit into a single day, is short term or long term missions. to do the work of God by building houses or relationships and seeking to blatantly live for the gospel. it is something great to be out on the missions field, to be called a missionary, and to be able to say and believe "the only reason i am here is because of God. i am serving God in this place, and that is my purpose and identity."
another thing - it helps to get sleep. it helps to be well rested. it is hard to pursue or even just think things through if your mind is lagging. at the same time, it helps not to be so bogged down by a schedule or activities so that you cannot think of anything besides what you need to be doing or what you should be doing. on the other hand, if God has called you to that and that is where you are supposed to be, then go with that. but it might be counterproductive and distracting to try to balance so many various activities as well as maintain a healthy relationship with Christ.
hope this helps. and i bet there will be certain areas in your life where you might really simply feel God, in some weird fascinating sense. basketball, gardening, even school. God can be found anywhere, and we are all uniquely made to enjoy Him. hope this helps [and would love input]
things lately (battle of grace and pride)
apologies again for the scarcity of posts. the days seem to be rolling off, and spring break is closing in fast. two tests this week, an unending flow of homework, and supposedly two recording sessions for a guitar player here at OU. things...have been a little interesting lately, but i'm not sure how relevant or significant they really have been.
i don't really know what's been going on lately, but today has been a good day. Restoration prayed last night and i played guitar and i think i began to really desire to fall in love with God again, or that desire was put in me, i'm not really sure.
i was reminded of a song earlier today called Worlds Apart, by Jars of Clay, and a line from the chorus reads: "The battle between grace and pride, I gave up not so long ago." i thought about it on a run, in which i started out too fast and was getting shin splints within the first two miles...and began to realize that when the lines from the song mentioned battling between grace and pride, when we choose pride, it is like trying to establish our own righteousness, trying to say that we can do things on our own. grace, much the opposite, is unearned, and is not highlighted by what we have done but what we have received.
it's been a while since i really remarked that i can't do anything on my own. when i run, it's stupid to think i am running to be faster than other people. when i study, it's pointless if my motive is to be smarter than other people or have higher incomes which somehow justifies myself. Romans 14:4 says "Who are you to judge another's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand."
i can do nothing of my own strength. why consider it my own strength, my own works, then? especially if we all answer to God, and God makes each of us personally to stand or fall before Him. i was thinking about this when i was running, so i was thinking in a running context. each step is because of God, each bit of strength is because God provides. why then do i spite other runners, because it is God providing them with their steps just as He provides for me? and why then spite other runners because of their hearts? who cares if they are proud about it? each of us individually will be made to stand or fall to our masters.
just because God provides the strength and the grace to run though, doesn't mean that we can make wrong choices. if i choose to go out too fast, i will have a more difficult time in the long run. God's grace is sufficient, and it covers our mistakes, but we shouldn't continue to commit stupid mistakes. after going out too fast the first couple times... experience gathers and we should realize the importance of smart decisions. but it is no doubt a learning process.
God will provide the strength that we need, and each step will always be because of Him, but our decisions still play a role in the run. to extend the analogy, any kind of step is because of God - even in desiring after God. God provides the strength to draw near to Him and God provides the strength to draw away from Him. everything goes by His consent, nothing goes without His knowledge or notice. well, when we pray or when we try to get ourselves or others psyched up about God...that is not even from us either. it goes back to the battle between grace and pride - pride says we can do nothing on our own, grace says we can be used by God to spread His righteousness, but as vessels. everything still must flow from God.
this is bit of a big deal on a personal level for me, and on a larger level because i have wanted to be involved in leading youth group for a while now, and it's time that i realize or re-realize that it's not because of me, and it is to my privilege that i would get to be put into that position, but even that is because God has chosen me to be the recipient of His grace in that area. if i really desire to see God work in our youth group or in my life... it will come from God. it will not come from me. "Every good gift and every perfect is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights" (James 1:17). we cannot will it ourselves. we can choose, but it is God who is the substance of our choices and our prayers. it is by God that we have any strength to draw near to Him.
i used to remark a lot about a track workout i had a year ago, when we were running repeats of some kind, and i was spent or maxed out when we were only about halfway through the workout. like i was seriously dying. but i continued to max out, and after each repetition, i would grow more and more fatigued and weak. somehow, though, there was this energy that got me through it. but i promise it wasn't my energy.
and maybe what i like so much about that workout is because that's what reality is like sometimes. we're already maxed out, we're weak and we have nothing left within us, nothing working for us. and at that point, all that is left was whether to continue to spend my all or compromise to pain. i made a choice - that was it. God did the rest. each step came from Him. i made a choice, but God was the substance of that decision, God was the One who put my desire into action.
and it's the same way when we pray. we pray, but God is the One who intercedes for us, God is the One who responds and chooses whether or not to fill our hearts with our desires. when we might pray for guidance, for vision, for desire, God is the One who might put that within us. but we are just vessels, shaped by the Creator for His glory, to enjoy Him and be close to Him. a battle between grace and pride, whether we will consider ourselves vessels or gods ourselves.
i don't really know what's been going on lately, but today has been a good day. Restoration prayed last night and i played guitar and i think i began to really desire to fall in love with God again, or that desire was put in me, i'm not really sure.
i was reminded of a song earlier today called Worlds Apart, by Jars of Clay, and a line from the chorus reads: "The battle between grace and pride, I gave up not so long ago." i thought about it on a run, in which i started out too fast and was getting shin splints within the first two miles...and began to realize that when the lines from the song mentioned battling between grace and pride, when we choose pride, it is like trying to establish our own righteousness, trying to say that we can do things on our own. grace, much the opposite, is unearned, and is not highlighted by what we have done but what we have received.
it's been a while since i really remarked that i can't do anything on my own. when i run, it's stupid to think i am running to be faster than other people. when i study, it's pointless if my motive is to be smarter than other people or have higher incomes which somehow justifies myself. Romans 14:4 says "Who are you to judge another's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand."
i can do nothing of my own strength. why consider it my own strength, my own works, then? especially if we all answer to God, and God makes each of us personally to stand or fall before Him. i was thinking about this when i was running, so i was thinking in a running context. each step is because of God, each bit of strength is because God provides. why then do i spite other runners, because it is God providing them with their steps just as He provides for me? and why then spite other runners because of their hearts? who cares if they are proud about it? each of us individually will be made to stand or fall to our masters.
just because God provides the strength and the grace to run though, doesn't mean that we can make wrong choices. if i choose to go out too fast, i will have a more difficult time in the long run. God's grace is sufficient, and it covers our mistakes, but we shouldn't continue to commit stupid mistakes. after going out too fast the first couple times... experience gathers and we should realize the importance of smart decisions. but it is no doubt a learning process.
God will provide the strength that we need, and each step will always be because of Him, but our decisions still play a role in the run. to extend the analogy, any kind of step is because of God - even in desiring after God. God provides the strength to draw near to Him and God provides the strength to draw away from Him. everything goes by His consent, nothing goes without His knowledge or notice. well, when we pray or when we try to get ourselves or others psyched up about God...that is not even from us either. it goes back to the battle between grace and pride - pride says we can do nothing on our own, grace says we can be used by God to spread His righteousness, but as vessels. everything still must flow from God.
this is bit of a big deal on a personal level for me, and on a larger level because i have wanted to be involved in leading youth group for a while now, and it's time that i realize or re-realize that it's not because of me, and it is to my privilege that i would get to be put into that position, but even that is because God has chosen me to be the recipient of His grace in that area. if i really desire to see God work in our youth group or in my life... it will come from God. it will not come from me. "Every good gift and every perfect is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights" (James 1:17). we cannot will it ourselves. we can choose, but it is God who is the substance of our choices and our prayers. it is by God that we have any strength to draw near to Him.
i used to remark a lot about a track workout i had a year ago, when we were running repeats of some kind, and i was spent or maxed out when we were only about halfway through the workout. like i was seriously dying. but i continued to max out, and after each repetition, i would grow more and more fatigued and weak. somehow, though, there was this energy that got me through it. but i promise it wasn't my energy.
and maybe what i like so much about that workout is because that's what reality is like sometimes. we're already maxed out, we're weak and we have nothing left within us, nothing working for us. and at that point, all that is left was whether to continue to spend my all or compromise to pain. i made a choice - that was it. God did the rest. each step came from Him. i made a choice, but God was the substance of that decision, God was the One who put my desire into action.
and it's the same way when we pray. we pray, but God is the One who intercedes for us, God is the One who responds and chooses whether or not to fill our hearts with our desires. when we might pray for guidance, for vision, for desire, God is the One who might put that within us. but we are just vessels, shaped by the Creator for His glory, to enjoy Him and be close to Him. a battle between grace and pride, whether we will consider ourselves vessels or gods ourselves.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
difficult expression
i'm having a little difficulty trying to express myself. i don't know. and my sleep schedule's a little thrown off...class in about seven hours, i need to get some sleep, but i don't want to lie in bed restlessly waiting to fall asleep.
let's be real.
i don't know if i'm lukewarm, and i would stop before i say that i'm stagnant, but...things are kind of weird lately. the Bible study on my floor went over 1 John, chapter 1, today, and it mentioned in verse nine that if we confessed our sins, then Jesus was faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. and before that, it said that if anyone said that they were right with God and lived in darkness, they were lying. and i asked how you would draw the distinction between darkness and light, and we pretty much came up with this answer: that it's somewhat of a posture of the heart.
it's a desire to walk and abide in God and to be close to God, and that kind of desire means a struggling with sin. it is like Romans 7 or so where Paul expresses his dilemma between his flesh, which helplessly sins, and his heart, which diligently yearns to be with Christ. so we are stuck in between a balance in which our hearts desire something that our flesh does not agree with, just as the Spirit and the flesh want opposite things and so contradict each other. the flesh likes things that feel good, likes to be better than other people, and the flesh seeks to justify itself (does not want God because God is a God of grace and mercy, meaning we are not good enough for Him).
so we said that to be in the light was to honestly seek after God, to be vulnerable to Him. it doesn't mean that we don't sin - but that we don't want to sin. we want to be with God, not separated from Him. so there is a constant struggle or battle going on between the things we want and the things we do. and when we are in darkness, we allow ourselves to agree with sin. we say it's okay to fall away from God, or we might deny that we have even fallen from God. i think a large part of it is simply a willingness to compromise, to say we can do whatever it is we wish when we are not our own.
and yet, the past couple days seem like...nothing to me. honestly? these days go by so fast. and i seem to lack...a real direction. a real desire to be close to God. i don't think i'm exactly lukewarm, but i'm not exactly fighting head-on against my sin. i'm a little submissive to the world right now, i think. i just let it take me wherever it wants.
i fill my day with all sorts of activities. classes and socializing. i joined a band with some guy and we try to practice every day for like an hour or two. and i always try to go play basketball on Tuesday nights and then sometimes i want to go run. catch a couple campus ministries. do homework. lots of facebook. and i even want to do that with my summer. go on a mission trip. play a lot of basketball. get a job and make a lot of money.
but the real question is...what am i after? am i after the accomplishments? am i doing the work of God, or am i heaping up things for a resume? and if i am doing the work of God, am i really focusing on the work or am i focusing on God? i'm just...not turned against my sin like i used to be. and it's there. 1 John 1 also very boldly and bluntly says that anyone who denies that they have any sin in themselves is lying and there is no truth in them. i'm not saying, "God, i'm willing to do anything to get to You today. i'm willing to take the next step, i'm eager to see what You have for me, where You're moving around me today, what You're waiting to show me." it's like i'm saying, "God, hold on a sec. i have some homework. and then i want to talk to a girl. then i'll read the Bible for ten or twenty minutes and play my guitar before i go to sleep and i won't have gotten any closer to You, but i will have performed my religious duty for the day." i don't know if that's really what i say, but i don't want that to be what i'm saying with my life.
if life is to fellowship with God, and the end result, the ultimate goal, is to be with God, to be completed and perfected by God... i'm doing a lot of things right now that i maybe simply shouldn't be doing. i don't know. why all the stress on school? school's not bad - in fact, school is a way to learn integrity. new ways to discover what it means to try your hardest on something, a different perspective on doing everything for the Lord, for the glory of God. why all the stress on popularity? popularity isn't bad either. but should not the stress be on God? whatever that looks like.
i want to do my homework and yet have a driving force in my mind saying, "i gotta be getting closer to God. i want to see Him." i want to play basketball and run and socialize and yet have a driving force in myself, a consciousness of bigger things beyond me, saying "where is God working? how can i glorify Him, through my actions, through my words, through my motions? how can i make it so that all anyone ever sees, including myself, is God?" and i don't want to be all talk. i want to be action. i want to be able to show by works, and not even by works, but by life, that God deserves my glory, that God Himself was and still is the only worthy One, the only One who had the power and love, patience, and willingness to change my heart from what it used to be.
i don't want to forget. i want relevance, significance. i want to stare obstacles, tough classes, social situations, and people in the face, and without hesitation speak truth. i want to embrace adventure, for everyday to be something new, for every conversation and every interaction to be something that can't be taken for granted. i want a good day.
1 John 1:9 said that if we confessed our sins, Jesus would forgive us and cleanse us. we would be in the light, and interaction and fellowship would occur, because God is faithful and just. well, i guess, let's be real.
confession requires more than sorrow. it has something to do with a willingness to change. i don't really have that. i have idols around me, lusts, distractions, and i admit that i don't really want to leave them. i want to keep going with them, honestly.
i need a change.
i need to change.
let's be real.
i don't know if i'm lukewarm, and i would stop before i say that i'm stagnant, but...things are kind of weird lately. the Bible study on my floor went over 1 John, chapter 1, today, and it mentioned in verse nine that if we confessed our sins, then Jesus was faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. and before that, it said that if anyone said that they were right with God and lived in darkness, they were lying. and i asked how you would draw the distinction between darkness and light, and we pretty much came up with this answer: that it's somewhat of a posture of the heart.
it's a desire to walk and abide in God and to be close to God, and that kind of desire means a struggling with sin. it is like Romans 7 or so where Paul expresses his dilemma between his flesh, which helplessly sins, and his heart, which diligently yearns to be with Christ. so we are stuck in between a balance in which our hearts desire something that our flesh does not agree with, just as the Spirit and the flesh want opposite things and so contradict each other. the flesh likes things that feel good, likes to be better than other people, and the flesh seeks to justify itself (does not want God because God is a God of grace and mercy, meaning we are not good enough for Him).
so we said that to be in the light was to honestly seek after God, to be vulnerable to Him. it doesn't mean that we don't sin - but that we don't want to sin. we want to be with God, not separated from Him. so there is a constant struggle or battle going on between the things we want and the things we do. and when we are in darkness, we allow ourselves to agree with sin. we say it's okay to fall away from God, or we might deny that we have even fallen from God. i think a large part of it is simply a willingness to compromise, to say we can do whatever it is we wish when we are not our own.
and yet, the past couple days seem like...nothing to me. honestly? these days go by so fast. and i seem to lack...a real direction. a real desire to be close to God. i don't think i'm exactly lukewarm, but i'm not exactly fighting head-on against my sin. i'm a little submissive to the world right now, i think. i just let it take me wherever it wants.
i fill my day with all sorts of activities. classes and socializing. i joined a band with some guy and we try to practice every day for like an hour or two. and i always try to go play basketball on Tuesday nights and then sometimes i want to go run. catch a couple campus ministries. do homework. lots of facebook. and i even want to do that with my summer. go on a mission trip. play a lot of basketball. get a job and make a lot of money.
but the real question is...what am i after? am i after the accomplishments? am i doing the work of God, or am i heaping up things for a resume? and if i am doing the work of God, am i really focusing on the work or am i focusing on God? i'm just...not turned against my sin like i used to be. and it's there. 1 John 1 also very boldly and bluntly says that anyone who denies that they have any sin in themselves is lying and there is no truth in them. i'm not saying, "God, i'm willing to do anything to get to You today. i'm willing to take the next step, i'm eager to see what You have for me, where You're moving around me today, what You're waiting to show me." it's like i'm saying, "God, hold on a sec. i have some homework. and then i want to talk to a girl. then i'll read the Bible for ten or twenty minutes and play my guitar before i go to sleep and i won't have gotten any closer to You, but i will have performed my religious duty for the day." i don't know if that's really what i say, but i don't want that to be what i'm saying with my life.
if life is to fellowship with God, and the end result, the ultimate goal, is to be with God, to be completed and perfected by God... i'm doing a lot of things right now that i maybe simply shouldn't be doing. i don't know. why all the stress on school? school's not bad - in fact, school is a way to learn integrity. new ways to discover what it means to try your hardest on something, a different perspective on doing everything for the Lord, for the glory of God. why all the stress on popularity? popularity isn't bad either. but should not the stress be on God? whatever that looks like.
i want to do my homework and yet have a driving force in my mind saying, "i gotta be getting closer to God. i want to see Him." i want to play basketball and run and socialize and yet have a driving force in myself, a consciousness of bigger things beyond me, saying "where is God working? how can i glorify Him, through my actions, through my words, through my motions? how can i make it so that all anyone ever sees, including myself, is God?" and i don't want to be all talk. i want to be action. i want to be able to show by works, and not even by works, but by life, that God deserves my glory, that God Himself was and still is the only worthy One, the only One who had the power and love, patience, and willingness to change my heart from what it used to be.
i don't want to forget. i want relevance, significance. i want to stare obstacles, tough classes, social situations, and people in the face, and without hesitation speak truth. i want to embrace adventure, for everyday to be something new, for every conversation and every interaction to be something that can't be taken for granted. i want a good day.
1 John 1:9 said that if we confessed our sins, Jesus would forgive us and cleanse us. we would be in the light, and interaction and fellowship would occur, because God is faithful and just. well, i guess, let's be real.
confession requires more than sorrow. it has something to do with a willingness to change. i don't really have that. i have idols around me, lusts, distractions, and i admit that i don't really want to leave them. i want to keep going with them, honestly.
i need a change.
i need to change.
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