hey, things are going well again. spiritual ups and downs, but today has been a high. i didn't start class until 10:30, so i got to sleep in, and the weather was simply stunning. after being so cold for a while, seeing weather in the 60's changes everything. anyways, it felt really good. i was planning on taking today off for a break from running, but i ended up running anyway - i felt somewhat obligated. i think i got about 7 miles in less than an hour, and certainly felt like i was going faster than 8 minute pace. anyways, i guess i really am running pretty consistently and it's nice.
on top of that, i've met more runners. some from the Norman Running Brigade, a running group that was just started on campus, as well as some guys from Norman Community Church. i went there yesterday since my other plans fell through. and it was pretty initially weird. there was maybe around 40 or 50 people smashed into a house, and the worship was pretty nice.
i tend to get caught up on whether or not people are really worshiping or whether it is just singing and motions (hypocrisy). well, i mean, i don't think that should hinder me from serving and worshiping, and i think when that's all i think about, it has become pride. when the way i view other people keeps me from worship. anyways, i voiced this kind of dilemma earlier, before spring break. my problem was that i would walk into a place of worship like Chi Alpha or Norman Community or Journey or Guts in Tulsa, and i would be amongst worshipers, and i would just kind of be distracted. sometimes, it seemed to do more harm than good. i'm not sure, but i think God broke through that when we were at oneThing, because i was revealed that it really was prideful. and that everything is for God. if the worship is real, then awesome - it is for God. if it's not - still not really any of my business.
anyways, they played worship, and i was getting sorta distracted. i'm not sure where Paul says this, but i started thinking of this. Paul was preaching a gospel, and other people, who were sorta opposed to him started preaching some other kind of gospel, out of contention or jealousy or maybe out of truth. and instead of defending what might have been called a monopoly that Paul had on the gospel message (as he was one of the forerunners in delivering the message to the Gentiles), Paul just said he didn't really care. as long as the name of God was being preached - even if it was out of jealousy or wrong intentions. as long as truth was being spoken, he didn't really have a problem with who was saying it. i think that's what paul was getting at. i'm not exactly sure where he says it either.
---EDIT---
i found this passage. it's in Philippians 1:15-19. he says some preach Christ sincerely with love, but others from selfish ambition, trying to add affliction to others. paul responds like this: "only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is preached; and in this i rejoice, yes, and will rejoice."
---END EDIT---
so, i prayed a bit, and it was nice. it wasn't exactly out of control. i have found that, sometimes, i have gone to a campus ministry and the worship will be amazing, but the change won't be there. the feeling of going somewhere and honesty is definitely there, but it doesn't end up getting firmly rooted in me. and i mean, i guess there's a point of losing control or letting it go... i guess i was just being cautious.
anyways, someone spoke about different functions of the church and how we reach out and how we reach in, the passage being mostly from Ephesians 4. i thought it was pretty cool. he expressed how we are all individually different members in the body of Christ, and that the different roles we play are generally what we really like. like who we are naturally. some people really excel in power encounters in evangelism, so that grace is given to them so that they could pass out tracts or stand on a street corner and change lives and shouldn't really be getting beef from other people like me. others aren't as outgoing, but enjoy people - maybe they are not evangelists, but teachers. i think what was really comforting was that we don't have to exactly change who we are naturally to be able to fit into the roles that Christ has made for us - we may have to adjust, but i think a lot of finding our place is in embracing who we are and finding the characteristics and thrills that God has placed inside of us.
this is comforting, because i am not exactly the most outgoing person. i like people, but i'm really not very outgoing or a good conversationalist if i have just randomly met someone. unless we're talking about running, break dancing, or God, and it doesn't always go anywhere with the first two. i like the idea about showing people things that they have never seen before; i like the idea of using things like music or break dancing or running to spread the gospel. so without having to turn around my personality a complete 180 degrees, i can find my part in the church to be who God has called me to be. and i think that applies to be everybody. not to say that it is okay to be stagnant in your gifts or to only develop those gifts - adjustments should sometimes be made.
for example, i have heard of the role of a prayer warrior, which might be the kind of people whose job descriptions are entirely to pray at the International House of Prayer. for someone else whose calling might be in preaching, i think prayer is still greatly important. i guess what i'm saying is that your role in/with God and the church is still dependent on having a very healthy relationship with God, which means getting to be yourself, but also means learning and developing in relationship with God. in a sense, becoming more of yourself.
they also mentioned a kind of gifts-test, where based on your personality, the test generates who you might be in the church, much like the personality quizzes you see that tell you what kind of dog or car or TV character you are. i'm not sure how legit it is, and i wouldn't put too much emphasis, as your ability to answer questions will obviously come into play. here's the test site
anyways, so we talked about that last night. God really is good. i've screwed up quite a countless number of times these past few days, but man... weather like this, and hope like God's love. i've been reading around Paul's letters [and writing about it at wci-chapteraday.blogspot.com] and the Psalms and i read the smallest passage in one of the Gospels at lunch today, but it was still really cool. it was when the disciples were in a boat with Jesus, and there was a huge storm going on, but Jesus was asleep. and the disciples, becoming more and more convinced of their death, in their fright, wake up Jesus asking if He cares about them. and Jesus asks them where their faith is...
i don't know what the disciples should have done. i guess just not be afraid. the song Praise You in the Storm comes to mind - instead of beginning to doubt God's love for us, choosing to exalt His name. choosing to say that, even if God does not deliver through trials and tribulations, God will still be God, and He will still be lifted high through my life. worshiping God in both life and death. i also saw a quote somewhere just recently that said, "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."
and this makes sense, because really, life is a roller coaster of ups and downs. the storm is inevitable - it hits everyone. just as Jesus said in a parable, there was a man who built his house upon sand, and another who built his house upon rock. the storm hit both of them. anyways, i don't know what the disciples should have done. i think it would have been pretty amazing if, moments from what they believed could be their death, they decided to dance and laugh and tell jokes. not to say life should be something that you laugh off - but maybe death is something you should. i have prayed a couple times that i would be reckless with my life, and that is somewhat of a running metaphor. the idea of going all out, disregarding death and the threats or consequences of persecution or pain.
anyways, these are the things that i have been thinking about lately. along with homework, and the prospect of playing basketball tonight, which i will probably pass up (i'm not sure my legs can take it). hope that everything is going well with anyone reading this, and that you find God's strength in the midst of the storms going on.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
rare vulnerability
hey guys. things are going well, i guess. but i'm in some kind of strange stage right now. i don't know. i just keep singing Who am I.
yesterday i ran for a little over an hour in the cold and then played basketball. today i went back to go play basketball instead of going to Chi Alpha, which i think i was supposed to go to. but honestly, i didn't really want to go to it. not at all. so i went and played basketball instead, and it was fun, and i was trying to be humble and have fun like i did last night, but tonight was just sorta different. i got the feeling that i was being a bit of a jerk, so i backed off for a while in the first game. i still got some good plays, but i stopped saying things. i have a tendency of becoming too aggressive when i play.
anyways, i ended up playing with the Asians. it was pretty cool, and then my calf spasmed out. so i sat out. i think i was being a jerk. regardless if i was or not, the guy i was guarding didn't think i was being much of a jerk, even after i sorta hit him in the head trying to get a rebound (i'm not sure if it's as bad as it sounds). and then one of them invited me to the Asian fraternity, TKO. and i felt like i had abandoned God.
and i don't know, but i feel vulnerable. i'm pretty tired. but really i just want to fall asleep on someone or watch a movie with someone. i want the reassurance that i can't screw up, some weird insistence that not only am i okay, but i'm loved. and so i kept on singing Who Am I, trying to figure out identity. and when i got to the chorus and it said "still You hear me when i'm calling, Lord, You catch me when i'm falling," i don't know. it wasn't like fireworks going off.
but it was like i had a very clear solution right in front of me.
it's like i know that i shouldn't try to compete for girls or at sports or for superiority at anything, because it doesn't really satisfy. not to undermine the coolness of it, it's just...
what i'm trying to communicate is simply that i feel fragile. i feel very fragile.
yesterday i ran for a little over an hour in the cold and then played basketball. today i went back to go play basketball instead of going to Chi Alpha, which i think i was supposed to go to. but honestly, i didn't really want to go to it. not at all. so i went and played basketball instead, and it was fun, and i was trying to be humble and have fun like i did last night, but tonight was just sorta different. i got the feeling that i was being a bit of a jerk, so i backed off for a while in the first game. i still got some good plays, but i stopped saying things. i have a tendency of becoming too aggressive when i play.
anyways, i ended up playing with the Asians. it was pretty cool, and then my calf spasmed out. so i sat out. i think i was being a jerk. regardless if i was or not, the guy i was guarding didn't think i was being much of a jerk, even after i sorta hit him in the head trying to get a rebound (i'm not sure if it's as bad as it sounds). and then one of them invited me to the Asian fraternity, TKO. and i felt like i had abandoned God.
and i don't know, but i feel vulnerable. i'm pretty tired. but really i just want to fall asleep on someone or watch a movie with someone. i want the reassurance that i can't screw up, some weird insistence that not only am i okay, but i'm loved. and so i kept on singing Who Am I, trying to figure out identity. and when i got to the chorus and it said "still You hear me when i'm calling, Lord, You catch me when i'm falling," i don't know. it wasn't like fireworks going off.
but it was like i had a very clear solution right in front of me.
it's like i know that i shouldn't try to compete for girls or at sports or for superiority at anything, because it doesn't really satisfy. not to undermine the coolness of it, it's just...
what i'm trying to communicate is simply that i feel fragile. i feel very fragile.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
living Word, to be improved later
if the Bible is God's Word - a story of God's love - then it kinda seems like the Bible shouldn't end. and i don't think it does. Rob Bell mentioned that the Word must be alive, and this makes sense if one begins to take the opening passage of John literally and seriously. And then the closing passage of John, which says "There are also many other things that Jesus did, which if they were written one by one, I suppose that even the world itself could not contain the books that would be written." and maybe that's what we're doing now. we're writing new books of what Jesus is doing, but we're writing with our lives.
Bell says that the stories in the Bible are our own stories - stories of defeat and wandering and miracle. i don't only want to speak to God, i also want to hear from God. i want to advance the kingdom, not deceive myself again. i need to desperately remember not to have faith in faith itself, (paradox? yes) but in God over everything.
reading in 1 Samuel, David's story is during a time marked by war. he was anointed and chosen, and the role he played was one fit for movies. something most don't comment on is the challenge made my Goliath, the Philistine, to the Israelites. he asked for a single man to fight him, and whoever won, the losing man's side would become the servants of the winner's side. i think David was the first to fight Goliath - but the stake could have very seriously been the nation of Israel.
anyways, David had a very specific purpose - he was meant to be king. defeat Goliath, be a worshiper, be a king. great things. and he was living in radical times - Israel's security was being challenged, the God of Jacob called into play, and the odds seemed to be impossible to overcome. he was in a spot where it must have been pretty imperative not only to be speaking to God, but he was probably also doing a lot of hearing from God. and he was also probably doing the work of God.
well, tobymac came out with a song called Extreme Days which is a rather pop rock way of getting the message across that we're still living in radical times, with large things at stake. our generation is desperate for a God that cares. i guess what i'm saying is that things might not be the same, but it's the same kind of scenario as in the Bible.
someone who God has called (though a Gentile) who is in desperate need of God to do works and wonders in his world and generation and really seeks God and desires to be blameless before Him. and the story if God restoring honor to His name, God getting the glory that He deserves. but in the process, if God's name becomes lifted high, then what God says will become heard and, essentially, what God values becomes the values of the people to whom His name is lifted. so God's name is being lifted high, but at the same time, lives are being changed because people begin to realize that God is God. and a loving God.
last week, i heard a speaker who made the claim that God is about the nations. He's about filling the earth with His glory (like water the sea), and when He allows David to kill Goliath, He speaks through David's heart, because David says that he will kill Goliath and feed the bodies of the Philistines to the birds of the sky so that all nations will know that the God of Israel is real. and then Jesus commissions the apostles to go out and make disciples of all nations, so it really seems like God's not trying to restrict salvation to the Jews. He wants to be feared, remembered, and honored throughout the world.
---
anyways, today was good. had some computer science homework that i worked on for about three hours, trying to meet a deadline. i still didn't figure out the answer (it was a logic question), but i think i did alright. what was crazy was that i woke up after about 7 hours of sleep, without the help of an alarm clock, to work on it. earlier tonight, i went running. it was good for a change - i remembered that i wasn't running to be seen by man, as From the Inside Out reads "Your glory goes beyond all fame." instead of trying to appeal to man and convince them out of competition that i was deserving and worthy of their attention, i should have been trying to impress God, whose focus is something that i will always hold and yet could never justify for myself to hold. and it went back to the posture of the heart - not caring about speed anymore.
so things are going well...
Bell says that the stories in the Bible are our own stories - stories of defeat and wandering and miracle. i don't only want to speak to God, i also want to hear from God. i want to advance the kingdom, not deceive myself again. i need to desperately remember not to have faith in faith itself, (paradox? yes) but in God over everything.
reading in 1 Samuel, David's story is during a time marked by war. he was anointed and chosen, and the role he played was one fit for movies. something most don't comment on is the challenge made my Goliath, the Philistine, to the Israelites. he asked for a single man to fight him, and whoever won, the losing man's side would become the servants of the winner's side. i think David was the first to fight Goliath - but the stake could have very seriously been the nation of Israel.
anyways, David had a very specific purpose - he was meant to be king. defeat Goliath, be a worshiper, be a king. great things. and he was living in radical times - Israel's security was being challenged, the God of Jacob called into play, and the odds seemed to be impossible to overcome. he was in a spot where it must have been pretty imperative not only to be speaking to God, but he was probably also doing a lot of hearing from God. and he was also probably doing the work of God.
well, tobymac came out with a song called Extreme Days which is a rather pop rock way of getting the message across that we're still living in radical times, with large things at stake. our generation is desperate for a God that cares. i guess what i'm saying is that things might not be the same, but it's the same kind of scenario as in the Bible.
someone who God has called (though a Gentile) who is in desperate need of God to do works and wonders in his world and generation and really seeks God and desires to be blameless before Him. and the story if God restoring honor to His name, God getting the glory that He deserves. but in the process, if God's name becomes lifted high, then what God says will become heard and, essentially, what God values becomes the values of the people to whom His name is lifted. so God's name is being lifted high, but at the same time, lives are being changed because people begin to realize that God is God. and a loving God.
last week, i heard a speaker who made the claim that God is about the nations. He's about filling the earth with His glory (like water the sea), and when He allows David to kill Goliath, He speaks through David's heart, because David says that he will kill Goliath and feed the bodies of the Philistines to the birds of the sky so that all nations will know that the God of Israel is real. and then Jesus commissions the apostles to go out and make disciples of all nations, so it really seems like God's not trying to restrict salvation to the Jews. He wants to be feared, remembered, and honored throughout the world.
---
anyways, today was good. had some computer science homework that i worked on for about three hours, trying to meet a deadline. i still didn't figure out the answer (it was a logic question), but i think i did alright. what was crazy was that i woke up after about 7 hours of sleep, without the help of an alarm clock, to work on it. earlier tonight, i went running. it was good for a change - i remembered that i wasn't running to be seen by man, as From the Inside Out reads "Your glory goes beyond all fame." instead of trying to appeal to man and convince them out of competition that i was deserving and worthy of their attention, i should have been trying to impress God, whose focus is something that i will always hold and yet could never justify for myself to hold. and it went back to the posture of the heart - not caring about speed anymore.
so things are going well...
Thursday, January 17, 2008
my heart
frustration slowly seeps into my day. i desire greatness, i can't help it. mike bickle would say that this desire isn't bad, it's just something kinda programmed into the human psyche. i don't know how i would respond. i want greatness so much, and i am almost certain that the right answer is that i'm simply looking in the wrong places for it. i know all the stupid right answers, since when has a relationship ever been about right answers? it's always about some chemistry, some connection that you can't explain to anyone and works for reasons beyond knowledge. it hardly has anything to do with knowledge, relationships are usually simply created or born.
keep this in mind, i say this with no discretion. i think i'm rather moody right now.
i feel like i've given up on God. daniel said it was like i screwed up, and God said something, but the devil or whatever distorted it so all i heard and felt was shame, sin, guilt, stupidity, foolishness, crap. well, yeah. i feel like an idiot. no amount of knowledge will provide breakthrough - no amount of knowledge on my part, i mean.
do you believe in miracles? because if God is hope, and God has given us Himself, then He has given us hope. He has given salvation, beauty, perfection, truth. if He's taken our place and given us His, a spot in the kingdom, that shouldn't be a small deal. that shouldn't be easily overlooked. but i still can't connect it.
i want a girlfriend. you probably know what i mean unless you're a girl. i want someone who gets me. someone seems to say "come on, choose God first." i know that's the right answer. i know it. i've even endorsed it. besides, no offense, but a girlfriend wouldn't solve my problems like God would. but regardless, i still want a girlfriend
i am pretty sure i am selfish right now. i am pretty sure i want everything to be about me. why don't i change? why not change? they say God is worthy. they say He's the only One. the only One worthy of anything, really. i guess, in the real sense of the word, it means that He's the only One with real worth. but i know that's sort of a contradiction, because He still died for us. we couldn't have been worthless if someone with worth sacrificed for us. we couldn't, could we?
i want good grades. not as much as i used to. i still like prospering in school. i like to show people that i'm good at things. i like running simply for the cool sensation of running and feeling fast and pushing myself, but i guess i like it because i can show off sometimes too. i like doing a Rubik's cube, but i must admit that sometimes i do it just to impress. i take a lot of pride in what i do, and i'm not necessarily thinking "i'm better than you," but sometimes i am and sometimes i dare to think i don't need God's blessing to do them.
i heard something that was worth doing was taking a step back and attempting to look at your life as honestly, directly, and impartially as you can. well... i see someone who is very talented, so very obviously blessed by God even if he can't compare to other people. i see someone with a mom who loves and a sister who loves and a youth group around him and an old youth pastor who would do lots of things still now and a best friend who can relate to me and keep me from feeling lonely. i have an old girlfriend who - well, i had a girlfriend in the first place, which is a lot of excitement, and i guess i learned a lot after we broke up. i have friends who are nice, funny and talented, and very respectful.
i value a lot trying my hardest, though probably not as much as i used to. i used to think about trying my hardest at the smallest of things, the things that nobody would ever know of, because i had a theory and perhaps still do that that was when God was watching - when nobody else was. i try hard at school, at running, at relationships, with varied success. i get mad at myself when i don't max out, and i know that i have felt like somewhat of a cheapskate if i'm not completely exhausted at the end of the school week. i like having the pressure on me because i think i can handle it, but some of the times, i can't, like in an old relationship.
i don't usually hold grudges, but i think i've held one against mike for a little bit.
i like playing the piano, that has become a nice escape for me. i think Lisa would be proud, but i still can't play anywhere near her or fathomhow she plays. and i could use some new guitar strings.
i like knowing mike and daniel, but i think the roles they play in my life have, at times, been too large. they're influence has been too much, so that i end up listening to them instead of God. and though they're intentions may be totally sound, it is still to my dismay, because my heart would be, at times, unconsciously or subconsciously following.
1 John says that if we confess our sins, then He is faithful and just to forgive us and sins. what does that say about God? that He is still faithful to His betrayers? that He would die for mortal man, knowing full well what He was doing when He died on the cross
i don't know what i would do for the cross. i think i would still die for it, right now, but i don't know. i don't know what i would die for, but i'll die regardless, and hope that i did something with my life. and i think a lot of people, including me, would say that i did. but my life's not over. there are still big things at stake. if God gave everything away just for me, as weird as it sounds, than the stakes are huge. and looking back on my testimony, i think one could easily point out that God must be after me. He really must be pursuing me. He's been faithful and just so far. somewhere else it says that God will be faithful and just to complete the work He started in each one of us.
i got addicted to The Office one night, the week before school started, and watched a season and a half in one night. i watched it primarily because of the relationship between Jim and Pam. i wanted something beautiful to be in my life, something like a perfect fit, something anyone could look at and want as well. i'm not sure if that's selfish, it might just be a desire for greatness. to have a life that reads like a movie.
i really need to figure out what i'm going to do with my life. i'm not talking about career, not at all. i need to take a stand and grab ahold of my life and determine which way i'm gonna go. i think God really lets us choose for or against Him. if i'm not going to live for God, i better not deceive myself and say that i still will. if i'm going to live for God, i want to go all out again. i want to have the exhilaration, the satisfaction, the surreality of a race, of giving my all, of spending myself and maxing out. and yet i say that over and over again, and i'm not sure what happens in the end. i've probably made that kind of statement of faith and commitment at least 50 times, and i probably only meant it 10 or 15 times. but i bet, those 10 or 15 times, though i eventually ended up stumbling again, that God really worked in me. or else i wouldn't be here now. maybe God really is faithful and just. maybe i have nothing to worry about. maybe it really is something as simple as fascination. maybe it's not "going to work" everyday because it's what i want to be doing with my life.
so many times we run into things that we do but don't enjoy. some go for the big paying jobs, not because they enjoy them, but like the wages, the position of power or social status. there's a difference between discipline and straight up misuse or bribery.
matthew west came out with a new CD two days ago. you can find it at his myspace, he has a great song called You Are Everything, which you could also find on youtube. it turns out that God took away his voice for two months last year, and he couldn't speak or sing. when God gave his voice back, matthew west came out with this CD with the theme "i've got something to say."
i keep writing up here or reading about how it's not supposed to be about works or knowledge. that relationship with God really has actually nothing to do with tithing. i guess praying is something a little different, but only real praying. i think praying requires a very conscious and deliberate effort to speak to God, though it will probably only feel like this at first, and then it will probably become a lot more comfortable and natural. i'm not sure what to say about the Bible. John starts off saying that God was the Word. but, then again, reading the Bible really isn't a requisite to being saved - it's conditions of the heart. but perhaps the Bible is very necessary for healthy relationship with God - and flourishing relationship with God. well, i mean, one would think - if one is in love with God, there is no reason why one shouldn't also be in love with God's love letter, which is what some call the Bible (and it really is. it's a message or a testimony of God's love, His story)
i don't know what i'm going to do. i wasn't trying to look at girls at all because i didn't want to personally endorse the idea of getting a girlfriend, and i don't think God will really allow me that kind of pleasure right now. but maybe it should be redeemed. maybe it should be redeemed just as i was redeemed from other things. maybe my eyes only need to be matured like i needed to be matured. if the church is like the body of Christ, made up of several distinct, individual members, and some of those members are alive and working, and some of those members are hurting or have issues going on, then maybe it's like that with my body as well. the first thing that changed when God saved me was my heart and then my mind - something like that - and now maybe God will redeem and mature my eyes.
maybe i should give God all of me. i think that's the only way to do it, and i hear that's what God demands from each of us. He wants to be in the driver's seat, to have complete control over our lives. after God delivered the Israelites from Egypt, they wandered in the wilderness, and the Israelites, God's chosen people, continued to nag Moses when things got tough, asking him why he had brought them from Egypt's hand only to die a more terrible death in the wilderness. they asked for food and water and God sent manna and water out of a rock. and God led them around as a cloud in the day and fire in the night. that really must be something. fire in the night.
keep this in mind, i say this with no discretion. i think i'm rather moody right now.
i feel like i've given up on God. daniel said it was like i screwed up, and God said something, but the devil or whatever distorted it so all i heard and felt was shame, sin, guilt, stupidity, foolishness, crap. well, yeah. i feel like an idiot. no amount of knowledge will provide breakthrough - no amount of knowledge on my part, i mean.
do you believe in miracles? because if God is hope, and God has given us Himself, then He has given us hope. He has given salvation, beauty, perfection, truth. if He's taken our place and given us His, a spot in the kingdom, that shouldn't be a small deal. that shouldn't be easily overlooked. but i still can't connect it.
i want a girlfriend. you probably know what i mean unless you're a girl. i want someone who gets me. someone seems to say "come on, choose God first." i know that's the right answer. i know it. i've even endorsed it. besides, no offense, but a girlfriend wouldn't solve my problems like God would. but regardless, i still want a girlfriend
i am pretty sure i am selfish right now. i am pretty sure i want everything to be about me. why don't i change? why not change? they say God is worthy. they say He's the only One. the only One worthy of anything, really. i guess, in the real sense of the word, it means that He's the only One with real worth. but i know that's sort of a contradiction, because He still died for us. we couldn't have been worthless if someone with worth sacrificed for us. we couldn't, could we?
i want good grades. not as much as i used to. i still like prospering in school. i like to show people that i'm good at things. i like running simply for the cool sensation of running and feeling fast and pushing myself, but i guess i like it because i can show off sometimes too. i like doing a Rubik's cube, but i must admit that sometimes i do it just to impress. i take a lot of pride in what i do, and i'm not necessarily thinking "i'm better than you," but sometimes i am and sometimes i dare to think i don't need God's blessing to do them.
i heard something that was worth doing was taking a step back and attempting to look at your life as honestly, directly, and impartially as you can. well... i see someone who is very talented, so very obviously blessed by God even if he can't compare to other people. i see someone with a mom who loves and a sister who loves and a youth group around him and an old youth pastor who would do lots of things still now and a best friend who can relate to me and keep me from feeling lonely. i have an old girlfriend who - well, i had a girlfriend in the first place, which is a lot of excitement, and i guess i learned a lot after we broke up. i have friends who are nice, funny and talented, and very respectful.
i value a lot trying my hardest, though probably not as much as i used to. i used to think about trying my hardest at the smallest of things, the things that nobody would ever know of, because i had a theory and perhaps still do that that was when God was watching - when nobody else was. i try hard at school, at running, at relationships, with varied success. i get mad at myself when i don't max out, and i know that i have felt like somewhat of a cheapskate if i'm not completely exhausted at the end of the school week. i like having the pressure on me because i think i can handle it, but some of the times, i can't, like in an old relationship.
i don't usually hold grudges, but i think i've held one against mike for a little bit.
i like playing the piano, that has become a nice escape for me. i think Lisa would be proud, but i still can't play anywhere near her or fathomhow she plays. and i could use some new guitar strings.
i like knowing mike and daniel, but i think the roles they play in my life have, at times, been too large. they're influence has been too much, so that i end up listening to them instead of God. and though they're intentions may be totally sound, it is still to my dismay, because my heart would be, at times, unconsciously or subconsciously following.
1 John says that if we confess our sins, then He is faithful and just to forgive us and sins. what does that say about God? that He is still faithful to His betrayers? that He would die for mortal man, knowing full well what He was doing when He died on the cross
i don't know what i would do for the cross. i think i would still die for it, right now, but i don't know. i don't know what i would die for, but i'll die regardless, and hope that i did something with my life. and i think a lot of people, including me, would say that i did. but my life's not over. there are still big things at stake. if God gave everything away just for me, as weird as it sounds, than the stakes are huge. and looking back on my testimony, i think one could easily point out that God must be after me. He really must be pursuing me. He's been faithful and just so far. somewhere else it says that God will be faithful and just to complete the work He started in each one of us.
i got addicted to The Office one night, the week before school started, and watched a season and a half in one night. i watched it primarily because of the relationship between Jim and Pam. i wanted something beautiful to be in my life, something like a perfect fit, something anyone could look at and want as well. i'm not sure if that's selfish, it might just be a desire for greatness. to have a life that reads like a movie.
i really need to figure out what i'm going to do with my life. i'm not talking about career, not at all. i need to take a stand and grab ahold of my life and determine which way i'm gonna go. i think God really lets us choose for or against Him. if i'm not going to live for God, i better not deceive myself and say that i still will. if i'm going to live for God, i want to go all out again. i want to have the exhilaration, the satisfaction, the surreality of a race, of giving my all, of spending myself and maxing out. and yet i say that over and over again, and i'm not sure what happens in the end. i've probably made that kind of statement of faith and commitment at least 50 times, and i probably only meant it 10 or 15 times. but i bet, those 10 or 15 times, though i eventually ended up stumbling again, that God really worked in me. or else i wouldn't be here now. maybe God really is faithful and just. maybe i have nothing to worry about. maybe it really is something as simple as fascination. maybe it's not "going to work" everyday because it's what i want to be doing with my life.
so many times we run into things that we do but don't enjoy. some go for the big paying jobs, not because they enjoy them, but like the wages, the position of power or social status. there's a difference between discipline and straight up misuse or bribery.
matthew west came out with a new CD two days ago. you can find it at his myspace, he has a great song called You Are Everything, which you could also find on youtube. it turns out that God took away his voice for two months last year, and he couldn't speak or sing. when God gave his voice back, matthew west came out with this CD with the theme "i've got something to say."
i keep writing up here or reading about how it's not supposed to be about works or knowledge. that relationship with God really has actually nothing to do with tithing. i guess praying is something a little different, but only real praying. i think praying requires a very conscious and deliberate effort to speak to God, though it will probably only feel like this at first, and then it will probably become a lot more comfortable and natural. i'm not sure what to say about the Bible. John starts off saying that God was the Word. but, then again, reading the Bible really isn't a requisite to being saved - it's conditions of the heart. but perhaps the Bible is very necessary for healthy relationship with God - and flourishing relationship with God. well, i mean, one would think - if one is in love with God, there is no reason why one shouldn't also be in love with God's love letter, which is what some call the Bible (and it really is. it's a message or a testimony of God's love, His story)
i don't know what i'm going to do. i wasn't trying to look at girls at all because i didn't want to personally endorse the idea of getting a girlfriend, and i don't think God will really allow me that kind of pleasure right now. but maybe it should be redeemed. maybe it should be redeemed just as i was redeemed from other things. maybe my eyes only need to be matured like i needed to be matured. if the church is like the body of Christ, made up of several distinct, individual members, and some of those members are alive and working, and some of those members are hurting or have issues going on, then maybe it's like that with my body as well. the first thing that changed when God saved me was my heart and then my mind - something like that - and now maybe God will redeem and mature my eyes.
maybe i should give God all of me. i think that's the only way to do it, and i hear that's what God demands from each of us. He wants to be in the driver's seat, to have complete control over our lives. after God delivered the Israelites from Egypt, they wandered in the wilderness, and the Israelites, God's chosen people, continued to nag Moses when things got tough, asking him why he had brought them from Egypt's hand only to die a more terrible death in the wilderness. they asked for food and water and God sent manna and water out of a rock. and God led them around as a cloud in the day and fire in the night. that really must be something. fire in the night.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
church + purpose
earlier today, i sat in daniel's room half awake, praying God would show me purpose again. not that i was feeling all too down that emotions were getting in the way, it just seemed a little pointless this morning, like we didn't know what to do. reading through One Thing, by Dwayne Roberts, exclaimed that the purpose of life isn't about ministry or doing things at all - it is simply intimacy with God, and that should be the source of all of our unparalleled excitement. and, to tell you the truth, and this is really pushing Christianity to limits, i'm not sure how excited i would be. i prayed God would show me purpose.
first day of classes, i was not exactly asleep, but not very alert either. American Federal Government with the President of OU, calc four honors, a computer science class called "Applied Logic," and a lab for an electrical engineering class. and God answered my prayer. well, actually, it was kinda like He told me to go pray, and then He answered my prayer for purpose there. there's a coffee shop atmosphere hangout kinda place owned by Norman's megachurch (Journey) with a prayer room on the corner of campus, so i ran there.
God seemed to show me that some of the purpose and excitement comes from finding my role in the body of Christ, since we are called to be the bride of Christ, but also to become a part of the church, which is Christ's body, and in which each of us individually serve roles that are specific to us. and He seemed to show that when everyone in the body understands their role in the body and understands the importance of being connected to God (as He is the vine and we are the branches), then it's harmony. there's just something that clicks, and it's harmony. when the body of Christ is in tune with Christ, then i think that is when God works.
Jesus has been called the author of salvation (in Hebrews), and i think it is legitimate to understand God as a master story teller, the One writing the story of our lives. i've also heard, in a different context, that God is painting a large, complex picture, but we can only see part of the picture. we see in part, but we don't see completely. but the more we come to trust and know God, the more of the painting He allows us to see, which erases confusion from our lives and makes us become fascinated and more in love with Him. if God can be considered as an author or painter - when we do what we are supposed to do, which is have a heart that has completely submitted to Him - then He can write His story in our lives.
when we give Him the control to write our stories and form our lives - essentially make us into whatever He wants to make us into - then He will. He'll change us. He'll break us and mold us like clay, and the result will truly be His creation, made in His image, in as many ways as can be thought up. and if we let God do whatever He wants with us, which is ultimately to bless us and be close to us, then when we struggle with our flesh and fail and fall and cry and die to get closer to Him, the result is harmony. the result is a story written by God.
if the church is the body of Christ, when the church is fully connected with itself and with God, then it's like harmony. it's like running your very best race... along with all of your teammates running their very best races at the same time. it's like when everything clicks - like when you can feel grace. it can be things as simple as the weather or as trivial as a basketball shot, but the result is amazing regardless and deserving of wonder.
anyways, i think that's kind of exciting. if you ever wanted your life to be as captivating as a show on TV or a movie or even just have dreams that you pray would happen, i would say they'll be exceeded by God if He has His way with your story.
first day of classes, i was not exactly asleep, but not very alert either. American Federal Government with the President of OU, calc four honors, a computer science class called "Applied Logic," and a lab for an electrical engineering class. and God answered my prayer. well, actually, it was kinda like He told me to go pray, and then He answered my prayer for purpose there. there's a coffee shop atmosphere hangout kinda place owned by Norman's megachurch (Journey) with a prayer room on the corner of campus, so i ran there.
God seemed to show me that some of the purpose and excitement comes from finding my role in the body of Christ, since we are called to be the bride of Christ, but also to become a part of the church, which is Christ's body, and in which each of us individually serve roles that are specific to us. and He seemed to show that when everyone in the body understands their role in the body and understands the importance of being connected to God (as He is the vine and we are the branches), then it's harmony. there's just something that clicks, and it's harmony. when the body of Christ is in tune with Christ, then i think that is when God works.
Jesus has been called the author of salvation (in Hebrews), and i think it is legitimate to understand God as a master story teller, the One writing the story of our lives. i've also heard, in a different context, that God is painting a large, complex picture, but we can only see part of the picture. we see in part, but we don't see completely. but the more we come to trust and know God, the more of the painting He allows us to see, which erases confusion from our lives and makes us become fascinated and more in love with Him. if God can be considered as an author or painter - when we do what we are supposed to do, which is have a heart that has completely submitted to Him - then He can write His story in our lives.
when we give Him the control to write our stories and form our lives - essentially make us into whatever He wants to make us into - then He will. He'll change us. He'll break us and mold us like clay, and the result will truly be His creation, made in His image, in as many ways as can be thought up. and if we let God do whatever He wants with us, which is ultimately to bless us and be close to us, then when we struggle with our flesh and fail and fall and cry and die to get closer to Him, the result is harmony. the result is a story written by God.
if the church is the body of Christ, when the church is fully connected with itself and with God, then it's like harmony. it's like running your very best race... along with all of your teammates running their very best races at the same time. it's like when everything clicks - like when you can feel grace. it can be things as simple as the weather or as trivial as a basketball shot, but the result is amazing regardless and deserving of wonder.
anyways, i think that's kind of exciting. if you ever wanted your life to be as captivating as a show on TV or a movie or even just have dreams that you pray would happen, i would say they'll be exceeded by God if He has His way with your story.
Monday, January 07, 2008
clearance and closure
not more than a year or two ago, i had a fascination with what no one saw. i thought that made a lot of someone's composure - the way they acted when no one was watching them. half of this came from not being seen. there was a small corridor in the arts building where i would eat by myself, and i wouldn't really mind eating alone because i could think to myself, relax, read a Bible without worrying, and listen to music. that was if i chose to eat. it wasn't too often that i would skip to do homework, which seemed more beneficial than eating. i would do a lot, but i always seemed to be in the background, behind the scenes. running is, in large part, not done by amateurs to be seen or for the glory - there's a lot of work for mediocrity on the running scene; i guess i just enjoyed it. and i would drive home from school exhausted after long days of cross country and working tech, wondering if anyone saw me.
and it was okay, because God was there. i still wanted someone to share it with though, a shoulder to lean on, i guess. okay, well i'm talking about a girlfriend. not to complete me. to share it with, i guess. i don't really know why i'm talking about this. i guess what i'm really trying to say is... i'm not sure. God, i pray i would just get back to wanting you to see me and letting that be enough. i pray i would worship with the things that no one ever sees, knowing that You're watching my every move, and may that be the source of my satisfaction. may my eyes just be wholly fixed on You, completely fascinated with Your goodness. may You complete me.
umm...oh yeah. i remember where i was going. my life, lately, has been very similar to the days when no one saw me. nothing really seems to be going on. all i did today was mess with a rubik's cube, eek out a hard 4 miles (my legs were tired...is my excuse), eat lunch at 5 and dinner around 6, and hang out with Jojo. i improved my Rubik's 3x3 time to about 55 seconds, only by freak accident, and i think it kinda sucks to consider that the highlight of my day. really, nothing happened. i kinda don't want to just hang out or relax. i'm already getting enough sleep at the time, but sometimes i just don't have the initiative to do things, and i kinda want the initiative. to read a book or something. i hardly got through 4 miles. i stopped at 3 and laid in the lawn of a church for maybe five minutes wondering if i could make it back home.
anyways, that's what's been going on with me lately. after we got back from Kansas City and had the New Year's party, it was Tuesday. spent the rest of the week thinking about playing worship on Friday and what i would say, and it turns out that God really did show up. the Holy Spirit was present, everything different in a split second. Jojo was glued to the ground for 30 minutes, i would guesstimate, and he could only feel his head for the longest time. he said it felt like God had punched him in the stomach, a knockout. phong was also glued to the ground for a similar time period, and he couldn't speak. after a while, he got up and proceeded to eat a lot of food. i might post on what i said that night. afterwards, we spent Saturday playing basketball at the BA, and it was a lot of fun. that was about it - Sunday was combined service, but youth group was nice. i'm not sure whether i'll have another Friday night or Sunday with the youth, but hopefully things will continue to get better.
---continuation on 1/11/08 - 2:40 am---
back at OU, things are quiet, and going by unseen is not so hard. i could be in hiding without even knowing it. i learned earlier today that my roommate is transferring to the University of Houston, so it will be even easier not to be seen, to be captivated by the deceptively simple concept of being seen by God, to be entertained and thrilled that my life is being shared with my Creator. so i'll be without roommate for around a month, at least, and then i might get another roommate or not.
as for things today, well...a late night lap yesterday combined with becoming hooked on the show The Office meant falling asleep around six. i hit 47 seconds on my rubik's cube, but again - hopefully that won't be my day's highlight. nothing really happened though. i ran until i was almost sure my left couldn't take anymore (which was actually, i think, not more than an hour). i guess maybe my highlight could be doing a devotional by Beth Moore called After God's Own Heart...but even that seems like a stretch. nothing really happened.
maybe the highlights are in the things so easily taken for granted, the things so easily forgotten and overlooked. what happened today?
and it was okay, because God was there. i still wanted someone to share it with though, a shoulder to lean on, i guess. okay, well i'm talking about a girlfriend. not to complete me. to share it with, i guess. i don't really know why i'm talking about this. i guess what i'm really trying to say is... i'm not sure. God, i pray i would just get back to wanting you to see me and letting that be enough. i pray i would worship with the things that no one ever sees, knowing that You're watching my every move, and may that be the source of my satisfaction. may my eyes just be wholly fixed on You, completely fascinated with Your goodness. may You complete me.
umm...oh yeah. i remember where i was going. my life, lately, has been very similar to the days when no one saw me. nothing really seems to be going on. all i did today was mess with a rubik's cube, eek out a hard 4 miles (my legs were tired...is my excuse), eat lunch at 5 and dinner around 6, and hang out with Jojo. i improved my Rubik's 3x3 time to about 55 seconds, only by freak accident, and i think it kinda sucks to consider that the highlight of my day. really, nothing happened. i kinda don't want to just hang out or relax. i'm already getting enough sleep at the time, but sometimes i just don't have the initiative to do things, and i kinda want the initiative. to read a book or something. i hardly got through 4 miles. i stopped at 3 and laid in the lawn of a church for maybe five minutes wondering if i could make it back home.
anyways, that's what's been going on with me lately. after we got back from Kansas City and had the New Year's party, it was Tuesday. spent the rest of the week thinking about playing worship on Friday and what i would say, and it turns out that God really did show up. the Holy Spirit was present, everything different in a split second. Jojo was glued to the ground for 30 minutes, i would guesstimate, and he could only feel his head for the longest time. he said it felt like God had punched him in the stomach, a knockout. phong was also glued to the ground for a similar time period, and he couldn't speak. after a while, he got up and proceeded to eat a lot of food. i might post on what i said that night. afterwards, we spent Saturday playing basketball at the BA, and it was a lot of fun. that was about it - Sunday was combined service, but youth group was nice. i'm not sure whether i'll have another Friday night or Sunday with the youth, but hopefully things will continue to get better.
---continuation on 1/11/08 - 2:40 am---
back at OU, things are quiet, and going by unseen is not so hard. i could be in hiding without even knowing it. i learned earlier today that my roommate is transferring to the University of Houston, so it will be even easier not to be seen, to be captivated by the deceptively simple concept of being seen by God, to be entertained and thrilled that my life is being shared with my Creator. so i'll be without roommate for around a month, at least, and then i might get another roommate or not.
as for things today, well...a late night lap yesterday combined with becoming hooked on the show The Office meant falling asleep around six. i hit 47 seconds on my rubik's cube, but again - hopefully that won't be my day's highlight. nothing really happened though. i ran until i was almost sure my left couldn't take anymore (which was actually, i think, not more than an hour). i guess maybe my highlight could be doing a devotional by Beth Moore called After God's Own Heart...but even that seems like a stretch. nothing really happened.
maybe the highlights are in the things so easily taken for granted, the things so easily forgotten and overlooked. what happened today?
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
hosea
i had a short remark on Monday night that God rarely comes unless invited; like He doesn't make a home in Your heart until You let Him in. in the same way, i don't think He fully descends on a place like fire unless He is desired in that place, whether by the people there or people somewhere praying. when Jesus healed people, they would say "if You are willing, You can do it," and one of His common responses seemed to be, "I am willing. You are healed by Your faith"
i think one of the points that should be made is that it took guts to get out of your house or your city to pursue God, to get off your couch and look for Him. not only could it maybe be embarrassing ("you really believe this guy can heal?"), but it would be dangerous because you make yourself vulnerable to Him. lepers would go to Him when they couldn't go to anyone else, with a sliver of hope - knowing that He could be no different from the others. they would let themselves be susceptible again to love and it might not be returned. He could be all hype - you could get your hopes up for nothing. He could even hurt you... what if it was instant gratification and then produced adverse effects? what if He wanted money that you didn't have? but most of it all, it was a blow to your pride. do you really need this guy? do you really need help?
and once there, would He perform the miracle? not only was He capable of performing it, but would He? and some people probably didn't leave their house or their place because they didn't believe Jesus could do it, but some people probably didn't pursue Him because they didn't think He really would heal. not for them.
and reading through Hosea, you begin to see some sorts of contradictions. God says "I will never leave you nor forsake You" somewhere in Scripture and He says that He died out of love and He is love and that this is His character and He won't turn His back on His people. Scripture says love never fails and says that even if you had everything, you wouldn't have anything of value without love. and in Hosea, God tells Hosea that the Israelites are no longer His people, He says that He will leave them and cause them to be frustrated beyond belief and that He will take away their clothing and hedge in their paths so that nothing works and they will find no satisfaction anywhere.
the first time i read this, i wasn't sure what to make of it. it seems like a huge contradiction - does God forsake His people or not? the second time around, it occurred that when God was saying, "these are not My people," it was because He wouldn't claim them because they were proud and they weren't following or pursuing Him. because this people had found their comfort and satisfaction in false gods or lovers and outside of God. He wouldn't claim them. His response: frustrate them with such pain that they would become desperate for a real solution. He would take away the power from their fake lovers so that they no longer satisfied, He would take away the privileges He had provided. He would take Israel's kings and priests and powers - there would be nowhere to turn to. they would be lost, misguided, broken-hearted.
Hosea 5:13... "when Ephraim saw his sickness, and Judah saw his wound, then Ephraim went to Assyria and sent to King Jareb; Yet he cannot cure you, nor heal you of your wound." the Israelites feel their pain and their response is to turn to Assyria for antidotes or solutions. but the king has no power to heal them.
Hosea 5:14... "For I will be like a lion to Ephraim, and like a young lion to the house of Judah. I, even I, will tear them and go away; I will take them away, and no one shall rescue." God will, in a sense, forsake them. He will "tear them and go away." they will be frustrated and alone, stolen away.
Hosea 5:15... "I will return again to My place till they acknowledge their offense. Then they will seek My face; in their affliction they will earnestly seek Me." this is the kicker. He takes them away, He takes all of their things away, so that they will be His. since they put their faith in their money and their lovers and their feelings, He eliminates each one so that they have nothing left. then He will have what He wants. God is a loving God, but at the same time - He is a jealous God. He is not weak - He will change circumstances so that He gets His people. "in their affliction they will earnestly seek Me" - in other words, they will invite Him. that invitation - that giving over of the heart - is what God wants. it's not that He doesn't love His people - He does.
if you want to look at circumstances and think that God doesn't love because of death or bad grades, i will admit that the pain really hurts. i don't want to be undermining pain at all. that's a real emotion and it deserves to be felt. but just because one is afflicted doesn't mean God doesn't love. sometimes, it's because God is loving that one feels affliction. other times, maybe it's just God working in other peoples' lives, weaving His story for others, working in ways higher than ours. but i don't think we can say God doesn't love, not on the basis that we had a bad day. it hurts to feel like crap - and the pain is real. but perhaps it's necessary. maybe the sorrow is a small price to pay to be able to enjoy a good and real God forever. and maybe one is forced to trust, all the more, that God really knows what He's doing. and that, because He wants you, His love won't stop at anything until you're His.*
*but He won't jump the gun. He won't enter your heart if you don't invite Him into it. there's free will. if there wasn't, we'd be like robots, not really living. the philosophical debate begins: how could a loving God let people burn in hell? i can't say that i know. i know that God loves to save and i really believe that He has His love set on everyone, that no human is an exception. i also believe that a willing heart is all that's necessary, no matter how torn, broken, or wrecked that heart might be. i guess it's the people who won't let Him in, who stick by their lovers and refuse God, who will be stuck with what they ask for - their powerless gods. God only wants people who actually want Him.
i think one of the points that should be made is that it took guts to get out of your house or your city to pursue God, to get off your couch and look for Him. not only could it maybe be embarrassing ("you really believe this guy can heal?"), but it would be dangerous because you make yourself vulnerable to Him. lepers would go to Him when they couldn't go to anyone else, with a sliver of hope - knowing that He could be no different from the others. they would let themselves be susceptible again to love and it might not be returned. He could be all hype - you could get your hopes up for nothing. He could even hurt you... what if it was instant gratification and then produced adverse effects? what if He wanted money that you didn't have? but most of it all, it was a blow to your pride. do you really need this guy? do you really need help?
and once there, would He perform the miracle? not only was He capable of performing it, but would He? and some people probably didn't leave their house or their place because they didn't believe Jesus could do it, but some people probably didn't pursue Him because they didn't think He really would heal. not for them.
and reading through Hosea, you begin to see some sorts of contradictions. God says "I will never leave you nor forsake You" somewhere in Scripture and He says that He died out of love and He is love and that this is His character and He won't turn His back on His people. Scripture says love never fails and says that even if you had everything, you wouldn't have anything of value without love. and in Hosea, God tells Hosea that the Israelites are no longer His people, He says that He will leave them and cause them to be frustrated beyond belief and that He will take away their clothing and hedge in their paths so that nothing works and they will find no satisfaction anywhere.
the first time i read this, i wasn't sure what to make of it. it seems like a huge contradiction - does God forsake His people or not? the second time around, it occurred that when God was saying, "these are not My people," it was because He wouldn't claim them because they were proud and they weren't following or pursuing Him. because this people had found their comfort and satisfaction in false gods or lovers and outside of God. He wouldn't claim them. His response: frustrate them with such pain that they would become desperate for a real solution. He would take away the power from their fake lovers so that they no longer satisfied, He would take away the privileges He had provided. He would take Israel's kings and priests and powers - there would be nowhere to turn to. they would be lost, misguided, broken-hearted.
Hosea 5:13... "when Ephraim saw his sickness, and Judah saw his wound, then Ephraim went to Assyria and sent to King Jareb; Yet he cannot cure you, nor heal you of your wound." the Israelites feel their pain and their response is to turn to Assyria for antidotes or solutions. but the king has no power to heal them.
Hosea 5:14... "For I will be like a lion to Ephraim, and like a young lion to the house of Judah. I, even I, will tear them and go away; I will take them away, and no one shall rescue." God will, in a sense, forsake them. He will "tear them and go away." they will be frustrated and alone, stolen away.
Hosea 5:15... "I will return again to My place till they acknowledge their offense. Then they will seek My face; in their affliction they will earnestly seek Me." this is the kicker. He takes them away, He takes all of their things away, so that they will be His. since they put their faith in their money and their lovers and their feelings, He eliminates each one so that they have nothing left. then He will have what He wants. God is a loving God, but at the same time - He is a jealous God. He is not weak - He will change circumstances so that He gets His people. "in their affliction they will earnestly seek Me" - in other words, they will invite Him. that invitation - that giving over of the heart - is what God wants. it's not that He doesn't love His people - He does.
if you want to look at circumstances and think that God doesn't love because of death or bad grades, i will admit that the pain really hurts. i don't want to be undermining pain at all. that's a real emotion and it deserves to be felt. but just because one is afflicted doesn't mean God doesn't love. sometimes, it's because God is loving that one feels affliction. other times, maybe it's just God working in other peoples' lives, weaving His story for others, working in ways higher than ours. but i don't think we can say God doesn't love, not on the basis that we had a bad day. it hurts to feel like crap - and the pain is real. but perhaps it's necessary. maybe the sorrow is a small price to pay to be able to enjoy a good and real God forever. and maybe one is forced to trust, all the more, that God really knows what He's doing. and that, because He wants you, His love won't stop at anything until you're His.*
*but He won't jump the gun. He won't enter your heart if you don't invite Him into it. there's free will. if there wasn't, we'd be like robots, not really living. the philosophical debate begins: how could a loving God let people burn in hell? i can't say that i know. i know that God loves to save and i really believe that He has His love set on everyone, that no human is an exception. i also believe that a willing heart is all that's necessary, no matter how torn, broken, or wrecked that heart might be. i guess it's the people who won't let Him in, who stick by their lovers and refuse God, who will be stuck with what they ask for - their powerless gods. God only wants people who actually want Him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
