skepticism

i am gently reminded of my mortality. i mentioned in my last post the lyrics from the song Everything by Lifehouse, and how someone could truly sing the line "would you tell me how it could be any better than this?" and i said it was because God's love is wherever you go and whoever you are, regardless of the time or the circumstances. i was listening to the song while running and it was nighttime, so i was watching the stars and feeling fast because the weather was cold. and...i got these really sweet Asics, but the insole on the right shoe always slips or bunches up or something, so that my toes never get any padding and it's uncomfortable. it came to that part of the song, and i was watching the stars and feeling fast, and it asked how things could be any better than this, and i wanted to say, "they would be better if my shoes were working properly."

and maybe this question that implies that things couldn't get any better than they are now is loaded with an awareness of how...human we really are. how mortal, fragile, maybe how clueless. maybe how big of a mess we've gotten in. maybe part of things being so great has nothing to do with whether we have problems or not. maybe things are so great because...we realize that we have all these problems, and yet there's this power, this love for us that we can't shake that leads us to an unshakeable kingdom, a prize that doesn't rust. things aren't great because everything's perfect. maybe things are great because everything we need...we already have.

when you run...it's easy to go when you're feeling good. it's easy to sprint on a good day. but when you feel like crap, and your heart still manages to be in it, when you push your hardest, those are the days you will remember. i'm not trying to say life is something you will yourself through. i don't really know what life is. because the more and more i stumble and struggle through my day, the more it seems like God is the One doing all the work and the One who's really holding on to us, not the other way around.

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i wrote that a day or two ago.

i find...i hate skeptics. i hate people who want to criticize me and find faults and flaws in my theology, and if not theology, then the way i live my life. almost like paparazzi who seem to spend their lives trying to destroy others' lives by exposing normal acts as incredulous news. this is made worse by my knowing that i am as skeptical as the next guy, and this is made worse by knowing that no matter how shallow my cries for peace might be, i can and probably will still be criticized for who i am.

i heard last spring break that something might be majorly wrong with CS Lewis' theology, so i finally checked it out. i ended up at a website that said CS Lewis was one of the devil's most destructive instruments ever, someone who was leading Christians astray. one of the site's arguments was that CS Lewis couldn't be a Christian, because his lifelong best friend was a homosexual.

and...Jesus loved homosexuals. Jesus died for the homosexual, whether they will ever get to hear it or not. and Jesus would have ditched all of his friends to hang out with the homosexual, even if the homosexual never responded. and that's what i'm supposed to say, and i think it's true. Jesus called the homosexual as a best friend, and i don't think Jesus is going to hell, so i don't think CS Lewis will go to hell based on those grounds either.

but...where i'm really going is that it talks about in Romans how you do what you approve of, essentially. like you can't tell people not to steal and then go to steal yourself. what you yourself do almost essentially indicates what you believe (this is a dangerous statement - some part of your beliefs could be seen by your actions, like the fruit you bear, but sometimes it can only be seen in your heart. it's a little like Job). it's like...if you are in favor of something, you're going to stand in favor of it and support it, and if you're against it, then you're going to be against it. you shouldn't be saying "i love God" in the church, only to walk out to tell the world with your life that you don't love God, much less respect Him. a famous saying is that the greatest cause of atheism is Christians who say they love God and walk out of the church and deny Him with their lifestyle.

this is still leading up to my point. well, i struggle with lust. actually, a lot, lately. i just get bored, so i end up online, denying God with my lifestyle. i haven't really done anything productive in the past couple days, though productivity might also be missing the point. well, anyway, if i commit this sin with my eyes and against my body with this lust, then i am somewhat, at the core, essentially encouraging it. i think that is what i am saying - that lust is okay. i am denying Christ with my lifestyle.

well, if this website was condemning CS Lewis to hell because his best friend was homosexual, how much greater is the condemnation on me if i choose (which i helplessly do to an extent) to say by action that i think lust is okay. throw a bunch of Bible verses at me, all the ones you want, and you could probably find a way to say that i'm in the wrong, and that i'm going to hell. it probably wouldn't even be that hard. i think the strongest Christians take the Bible literally, but i know that i do not very literally. my friend was told he was going to hell because he didn't believe that the planet earth was some amount of years old. people say if you can't take one verse in the Bible the right way, you can't take all of it. people say a lot of things.

it could be said about my running. it could be interpreted as as running away, as just not wanting to deal with anything. and that no matter how good i get at running, it's still a sign of weakness. some could interpret it as...self-discipline, as sport, as learning how to control and push oneself. [obviously i'm biased because i like running, that's not my point either] just on my running, some one can say i'm wrong and argue with depth that i'm wrong, and some one could say i'm right and argue that i'm right with just as much evidence that he's right as the other guy.

and it's difficult. you know, it downright sucks.

i don't want this. i don't know what i want, i'm not really sure, but i don't want this. i don't want condemnation.

anyways, that's what i've been thinking about. i've been trying to please people for a while, and i don't think i can. not everybody at least. there's too much controversy going on, too much division.

i don't really know what's going on.