lacking (new)

i found this back from january 2007 and thought it was pretty good, so i proofread it and changed a couple things. nothing radical, but i think it's better than a year ago.

i think it's a beautiful thing to be vulnerable. it's beautiful when everything goes down in flames and there is no tomorrow and you're just trying to get past that moment of grief. When nothing else matters, and you do things you have never done before because you aren’t going to sit around and just let things happen. You take off running and you run your heart out because of desperation.

i watched a little bit of Beauty and the Geek, a reality TV show where hot, ditzy girls were matched with socially challenged geeks and sent through challenges to win money. One of the girls who had gotten into the finals or maybe not even that far was talking to the camera in a small room, kind of like a confessional booth. she was crying, saying how she felt shallow, how she saw that it didn't make any sense at all to put so much value on how she looked. She talked about how there was more to life than just make up and looks. and i think she saw that it didn't make her any better than anyone else and she had no right to treat these geeks like they were subhuman, just because people liked her and nobody liked them.

then i watched a little bit of the Real World-Road Rules challenge on MTV, which is pretty much the same concept as Beauty and the Geek, except everyone is hot and they are all battling for even more money. there was an elimination match between two guys, two of the top guys or something, and after an excruciatingly long time, one of them finally won. And at the end, he went back to his hotel room and called his fiancee and broke down crying. he couldn't really move because he was so tired. he was exhausted – he had totally spent himself trying to win the challenge, and now that he had finally won it, he wasn't sure if it was worth it. He had gone through this epic battle to try to preserve his chance to win the money, and… now he wasn’t sure if it was worth it. he wasn’t sure if he deserved it and he was more unsure that he enjoyed it. he said if he had to go through it all again, he didn't know what he would do, but he wouldn't want to go through it all because it was so physically grueling. he said he didn't know why he was doing it anymore - the whole game - and whether or not it was worth it. vulnerable.

and i did something. i ran away from home one weekend and ran away from God because i was mad i was losing to lust and i ran away on the main streets, keeping a fast pace because i wanted it to hurt. and it was cold - like 35 degrees or so, and it was late at night and i only had a t-shirt and some basketball shorts on. about five miles later, i ended up at someone's house. i didn't really want anything more than just to be there...but i don't think i was welcome. i didn't feel like it, anyway. i ran away from there and maybe about half a mile or more later, my legs started cramping up, at first just a little. if i kept running, the pain would go away for a little. i felt like crap...because i didn't have anywhere to be. I was at least five miles away from home, it was incredibly impractical to think I could make it back. when i passed 71st and yale, headed south, my left leg shut down. it cramped and i couldn't really go on. i fell to the sidewalk, but it happened in such a position that my right leg started cramping too, and my hip, or something else. and so i ended up lying on the sidewalk, crying, because my left leg was dead and my right leg was dead and any movement would shoot pain through my body, and i didn't want to go home, and i didn't want to go to God's home, and the only home i wanted to go to wouldn't welcome me.

i screamed at God that He was right. that i was wrong. that i just needed to be saved. i felt worse because i wanted someone to stop and help me out, but no one did. it was dark and cold, and i was yelling in pain. vulnerable.