a couple of us just came back from the oneThing conference in Kansas City, put on by the International House of Prayer. a four and a half hour drive, i must admit that when we walked into the building, you could feel something different. there was just something different everywhere, you could feel a desire for God and His Spirit in the air. it was refreshing, and part of me wondered how any of us could spend the entire day praying and going to seminars all day, literally speaker after speaker, song after song. i had never talked to God as much as i had than this past weekend, never pursued as heavily as what just happened.
i heard things that i've never heard before, things that i didn't know had anything to do with the Christianity i had subscribed to. i have been presented a side of God that i have never understood or stressed before, i have realized a tiny bit more how magnificent and impossible and changing His love really is. i have realized that the Bible has books like Hosea and Song of Solomon, things i had never known to be in the Bible. i have been lifted and sustained higher than i could have ever imagined, and some crazy things that i will never be able to explain nor forget.
i realized that when the Holy Spirit hits, when it's time, everything changes. absolutely everything changes. you start to become desperate, you start to see things you've never seen and feel things you've never felt and do things you could never do under any other circumstances. you know things you shouldn't know, you pray things and recklessly abandon your life in a way that you cannot do without your eyes being opened to God and His consuming fire.
we came back to a New Year's Party at church with the rest of our youth group and we ended up playing a short worship set to pass the time. it was good, no doubt, but one of us began to get mad. things had been so easy, so focused in Kansas City - so much that you could literally feel it in the air - and now we had come back, no offense, to some who had not just been through the things we had been through. i really mean no offense, but it was like we had just been presented with this amazing life we didn't even know could have been our God, and we didn't and don't want to just give it all away for what we had before. we had just made all of these commitments and felt the desire to really keep them, and instantly, it was all going to be challenged. i guess we were being faced with a choice.
and you know, i just don't want to settle anymore. i've seen this great life and this great God and we've talked a lot about how being able to invest in God wholly is what is really going to satisfy and i don't want to settle anymore. i don't want my life to be displeasing to God, especially knowing that i'm only hurting myself. i don't want to delve into my sin, i want to be separate from it. i don't want to make amends with darkness, i want to touch and taste the divine.
---i wrote this New Year's Day and haven't continued until now---
it's gotta be God. billy and i are probably going to push for Friday night to be...big. we're gonna try to push it. not to say we'll manipulate the people who show up and not to say we'll manipulate the Holy Spirit - God will show up in that kind of life changing way if He wants and due to other factors i don't know. if it's God's timing, which we're hoping that it is, things will be incredible. if it's not, we really shouldn't push it. at the same time, i think we can be disappointed, but it's still no reason to turn on God. God is God, He does no wrong. and He's writing the story. i seriously hope we break through though and that God's presence explodes into our church.
i hope i'm not heretic or crazy. following a weekend of knowing God in a way different from simply feeling God... man, i don't want to be wrong. i don't want to claim Godliness, i want it to claim me, you know? i don't want to tell people i'm a Christian, i want people to be able to see for themselves. i don't want to spiritually immature. i don't want to be prideful and boastful and yet deceive myself to think i am humble. i want a real relationship with God, and i don't want to just tell myself that. i want the passion to be there, not to settle, not to choose apathy and convenience over the narrow road that is where Jesus is leading.
i make mistakes. i know i make mistakes, more than i know what to do with. i'm less than perfect. far less than perfect. you don't even want to get me started on immaturity. but where is my heart? if my heart is wholly given over to God, i don't think anything else matters. i will continue to fall and stumble, but God... know my heart. be my judge, my only judge.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
skepticism
i am gently reminded of my mortality. i mentioned in my last post the lyrics from the song Everything by Lifehouse, and how someone could truly sing the line "would you tell me how it could be any better than this?" and i said it was because God's love is wherever you go and whoever you are, regardless of the time or the circumstances. i was listening to the song while running and it was nighttime, so i was watching the stars and feeling fast because the weather was cold. and...i got these really sweet Asics, but the insole on the right shoe always slips or bunches up or something, so that my toes never get any padding and it's uncomfortable. it came to that part of the song, and i was watching the stars and feeling fast, and it asked how things could be any better than this, and i wanted to say, "they would be better if my shoes were working properly."
and maybe this question that implies that things couldn't get any better than they are now is loaded with an awareness of how...human we really are. how mortal, fragile, maybe how clueless. maybe how big of a mess we've gotten in. maybe part of things being so great has nothing to do with whether we have problems or not. maybe things are so great because...we realize that we have all these problems, and yet there's this power, this love for us that we can't shake that leads us to an unshakeable kingdom, a prize that doesn't rust. things aren't great because everything's perfect. maybe things are great because everything we need...we already have.
when you run...it's easy to go when you're feeling good. it's easy to sprint on a good day. but when you feel like crap, and your heart still manages to be in it, when you push your hardest, those are the days you will remember. i'm not trying to say life is something you will yourself through. i don't really know what life is. because the more and more i stumble and struggle through my day, the more it seems like God is the One doing all the work and the One who's really holding on to us, not the other way around.
---
i wrote that a day or two ago.
i find...i hate skeptics. i hate people who want to criticize me and find faults and flaws in my theology, and if not theology, then the way i live my life. almost like paparazzi who seem to spend their lives trying to destroy others' lives by exposing normal acts as incredulous news. this is made worse by my knowing that i am as skeptical as the next guy, and this is made worse by knowing that no matter how shallow my cries for peace might be, i can and probably will still be criticized for who i am.
i heard last spring break that something might be majorly wrong with CS Lewis' theology, so i finally checked it out. i ended up at a website that said CS Lewis was one of the devil's most destructive instruments ever, someone who was leading Christians astray. one of the site's arguments was that CS Lewis couldn't be a Christian, because his lifelong best friend was a homosexual.
and...Jesus loved homosexuals. Jesus died for the homosexual, whether they will ever get to hear it or not. and Jesus would have ditched all of his friends to hang out with the homosexual, even if the homosexual never responded. and that's what i'm supposed to say, and i think it's true. Jesus called the homosexual as a best friend, and i don't think Jesus is going to hell, so i don't think CS Lewis will go to hell based on those grounds either.
but...where i'm really going is that it talks about in Romans how you do what you approve of, essentially. like you can't tell people not to steal and then go to steal yourself. what you yourself do almost essentially indicates what you believe (this is a dangerous statement - some part of your beliefs could be seen by your actions, like the fruit you bear, but sometimes it can only be seen in your heart. it's a little like Job). it's like...if you are in favor of something, you're going to stand in favor of it and support it, and if you're against it, then you're going to be against it. you shouldn't be saying "i love God" in the church, only to walk out to tell the world with your life that you don't love God, much less respect Him. a famous saying is that the greatest cause of atheism is Christians who say they love God and walk out of the church and deny Him with their lifestyle.
this is still leading up to my point. well, i struggle with lust. actually, a lot, lately. i just get bored, so i end up online, denying God with my lifestyle. i haven't really done anything productive in the past couple days, though productivity might also be missing the point. well, anyway, if i commit this sin with my eyes and against my body with this lust, then i am somewhat, at the core, essentially encouraging it. i think that is what i am saying - that lust is okay. i am denying Christ with my lifestyle.
well, if this website was condemning CS Lewis to hell because his best friend was homosexual, how much greater is the condemnation on me if i choose (which i helplessly do to an extent) to say by action that i think lust is okay. throw a bunch of Bible verses at me, all the ones you want, and you could probably find a way to say that i'm in the wrong, and that i'm going to hell. it probably wouldn't even be that hard. i think the strongest Christians take the Bible literally, but i know that i do not very literally. my friend was told he was going to hell because he didn't believe that the planet earth was some amount of years old. people say if you can't take one verse in the Bible the right way, you can't take all of it. people say a lot of things.
it could be said about my running. it could be interpreted as as running away, as just not wanting to deal with anything. and that no matter how good i get at running, it's still a sign of weakness. some could interpret it as...self-discipline, as sport, as learning how to control and push oneself. [obviously i'm biased because i like running, that's not my point either] just on my running, some one can say i'm wrong and argue with depth that i'm wrong, and some one could say i'm right and argue that i'm right with just as much evidence that he's right as the other guy.
and it's difficult. you know, it downright sucks.
i don't want this. i don't know what i want, i'm not really sure, but i don't want this. i don't want condemnation.
anyways, that's what i've been thinking about. i've been trying to please people for a while, and i don't think i can. not everybody at least. there's too much controversy going on, too much division.
i don't really know what's going on.
and maybe this question that implies that things couldn't get any better than they are now is loaded with an awareness of how...human we really are. how mortal, fragile, maybe how clueless. maybe how big of a mess we've gotten in. maybe part of things being so great has nothing to do with whether we have problems or not. maybe things are so great because...we realize that we have all these problems, and yet there's this power, this love for us that we can't shake that leads us to an unshakeable kingdom, a prize that doesn't rust. things aren't great because everything's perfect. maybe things are great because everything we need...we already have.
when you run...it's easy to go when you're feeling good. it's easy to sprint on a good day. but when you feel like crap, and your heart still manages to be in it, when you push your hardest, those are the days you will remember. i'm not trying to say life is something you will yourself through. i don't really know what life is. because the more and more i stumble and struggle through my day, the more it seems like God is the One doing all the work and the One who's really holding on to us, not the other way around.
---
i wrote that a day or two ago.
i find...i hate skeptics. i hate people who want to criticize me and find faults and flaws in my theology, and if not theology, then the way i live my life. almost like paparazzi who seem to spend their lives trying to destroy others' lives by exposing normal acts as incredulous news. this is made worse by my knowing that i am as skeptical as the next guy, and this is made worse by knowing that no matter how shallow my cries for peace might be, i can and probably will still be criticized for who i am.
i heard last spring break that something might be majorly wrong with CS Lewis' theology, so i finally checked it out. i ended up at a website that said CS Lewis was one of the devil's most destructive instruments ever, someone who was leading Christians astray. one of the site's arguments was that CS Lewis couldn't be a Christian, because his lifelong best friend was a homosexual.
and...Jesus loved homosexuals. Jesus died for the homosexual, whether they will ever get to hear it or not. and Jesus would have ditched all of his friends to hang out with the homosexual, even if the homosexual never responded. and that's what i'm supposed to say, and i think it's true. Jesus called the homosexual as a best friend, and i don't think Jesus is going to hell, so i don't think CS Lewis will go to hell based on those grounds either.
but...where i'm really going is that it talks about in Romans how you do what you approve of, essentially. like you can't tell people not to steal and then go to steal yourself. what you yourself do almost essentially indicates what you believe (this is a dangerous statement - some part of your beliefs could be seen by your actions, like the fruit you bear, but sometimes it can only be seen in your heart. it's a little like Job). it's like...if you are in favor of something, you're going to stand in favor of it and support it, and if you're against it, then you're going to be against it. you shouldn't be saying "i love God" in the church, only to walk out to tell the world with your life that you don't love God, much less respect Him. a famous saying is that the greatest cause of atheism is Christians who say they love God and walk out of the church and deny Him with their lifestyle.
this is still leading up to my point. well, i struggle with lust. actually, a lot, lately. i just get bored, so i end up online, denying God with my lifestyle. i haven't really done anything productive in the past couple days, though productivity might also be missing the point. well, anyway, if i commit this sin with my eyes and against my body with this lust, then i am somewhat, at the core, essentially encouraging it. i think that is what i am saying - that lust is okay. i am denying Christ with my lifestyle.
well, if this website was condemning CS Lewis to hell because his best friend was homosexual, how much greater is the condemnation on me if i choose (which i helplessly do to an extent) to say by action that i think lust is okay. throw a bunch of Bible verses at me, all the ones you want, and you could probably find a way to say that i'm in the wrong, and that i'm going to hell. it probably wouldn't even be that hard. i think the strongest Christians take the Bible literally, but i know that i do not very literally. my friend was told he was going to hell because he didn't believe that the planet earth was some amount of years old. people say if you can't take one verse in the Bible the right way, you can't take all of it. people say a lot of things.
it could be said about my running. it could be interpreted as as running away, as just not wanting to deal with anything. and that no matter how good i get at running, it's still a sign of weakness. some could interpret it as...self-discipline, as sport, as learning how to control and push oneself. [obviously i'm biased because i like running, that's not my point either] just on my running, some one can say i'm wrong and argue with depth that i'm wrong, and some one could say i'm right and argue that i'm right with just as much evidence that he's right as the other guy.
and it's difficult. you know, it downright sucks.
i don't want this. i don't know what i want, i'm not really sure, but i don't want this. i don't want condemnation.
anyways, that's what i've been thinking about. i've been trying to please people for a while, and i don't think i can. not everybody at least. there's too much controversy going on, too much division.
i don't really know what's going on.
Monday, December 17, 2007
catch up
back home, nothing really happening. woke up around noon to spend a couple hours before the sun went down. just went running and...played guitar and piano and hung out. still trying to figure if i should be doing anything in particular - here's one thing i think i'm gonna start: romans, on wci-chapteraday.blogspot.com, the site a couple of us started earlier this past semester. it's been dead for a while, but i was reading Romans in the Message: remix translation last night and it's really good. switching between NKJV gets me all excited about NKJV again, or just the Bible in general, and it really is a little about getting back to the basics.
Romans in the Message talks a lot about how faith is trusting in God. and it's all about believing that He will make you right with Him...He'll bring us to Him. "we'll be right with Him, by Him." Romans 5 - 8 talks about being a new creation, having a restored life apart from one marred by sin, which is pretty great.
"Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life - and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what He wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you." Romans 12:1-2
things like that...actually pretty refreshing. i wasn't having that great of a day yesterday (Sunday), though we went to the Y and played basketball hard for two hours and it was a whole lot of fun. i kept on singing that song from Lifehouse called Everything, because we performed a skit to it earlier that morning for an early Christmas program since a lot of people were leaving for a winter conference. anyways, one of the lines in the song reads "how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You? would you tell me how could it be any better than this?" and...i read the last couple verses of Romans 8 last night. paul is talking about how he believes that absolutely nothing can separate us from the love of God - not even us. not life or death or angels or principalities, and then he says not anything in the present, and nothing to come. and this is extremely comforting to me. it means that nothing, right now in this moment, is keeping me from the love of God. nothing, right now or any other time later, can keep God from loving me.*
"would you tell me how could it be any better than this?" it's because, no matter the circumstance, God is still loving. there's nothing in the way. things are gonna be okay, there's nothing wrong with you or anything. sometimes bad things just happen, that's not exactly reason to believe you screwed up or God was no longer God. sometimes things just happen, and we need to let them.
anyways, that's what i've been thinking about. Romans is a pretty good book. i'm not sure what i'm going to do tomorrow. probably just what i did today - keep running, keep playing. waiting for oneThing, which i am still anticipating going to.
*(i'd rather not have a theological debate right now, though the question would rise how God could love and still condemn people to hell. and in response...i'm not really sure. God is a lion and a lamb.)
Romans in the Message talks a lot about how faith is trusting in God. and it's all about believing that He will make you right with Him...He'll bring us to Him. "we'll be right with Him, by Him." Romans 5 - 8 talks about being a new creation, having a restored life apart from one marred by sin, which is pretty great.
"Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life - and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what He wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you." Romans 12:1-2
things like that...actually pretty refreshing. i wasn't having that great of a day yesterday (Sunday), though we went to the Y and played basketball hard for two hours and it was a whole lot of fun. i kept on singing that song from Lifehouse called Everything, because we performed a skit to it earlier that morning for an early Christmas program since a lot of people were leaving for a winter conference. anyways, one of the lines in the song reads "how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You? would you tell me how could it be any better than this?" and...i read the last couple verses of Romans 8 last night. paul is talking about how he believes that absolutely nothing can separate us from the love of God - not even us. not life or death or angels or principalities, and then he says not anything in the present, and nothing to come. and this is extremely comforting to me. it means that nothing, right now in this moment, is keeping me from the love of God. nothing, right now or any other time later, can keep God from loving me.*
"would you tell me how could it be any better than this?" it's because, no matter the circumstance, God is still loving. there's nothing in the way. things are gonna be okay, there's nothing wrong with you or anything. sometimes bad things just happen, that's not exactly reason to believe you screwed up or God was no longer God. sometimes things just happen, and we need to let them.
anyways, that's what i've been thinking about. Romans is a pretty good book. i'm not sure what i'm going to do tomorrow. probably just what i did today - keep running, keep playing. waiting for oneThing, which i am still anticipating going to.
*(i'd rather not have a theological debate right now, though the question would rise how God could love and still condemn people to hell. and in response...i'm not really sure. God is a lion and a lamb.)
Thursday, December 13, 2007
a little...bewildered
http://billychia.com/
i was searching for a long lost song and found a chain of Christian blogs. the above link is one of a worship leader that links to a huge list of blogs by other worship leaders as well as blogs in general. it's pretty good, and i somewhat long to write like some of them do.
i'm kind of wondering...what is church for? i guess it is glorifying to God and it is certainly supposed to be edifying for each of us. i understand the analogy of Christians being called to be like a City on a Hill, but i also read in Donald Miller and agree that we can't really take that very seriously. we can't just stay in our churches in our self-proclaimed holiness and think we are being Godly. Jesus didn't coop himself up and disappear in the comfort of His own house (He probably didn't even have His own house). in fact, maybe the whole point is that Jesus came from that City on a Hill to us, underneath Him, and yet He didn't forget about His true identity. He still knew who He was and He maintained that position flawlessly, rubbing off on us more than we influenced Him. someone could tell He was from a metaphorical "City on a Hill" just by the way He lived, regardless of where He was physically.
then what is the church meant to do? the big Mars Hill church in Michigan pastored by Rob Bell has actually been working on a water filter that can take pond water and purify it so that it is safe to drink. there's a team of engineers and businessmen and prayers and worshippers probably working on this project so that it could be implemented into African communities where the water is not safe to drink. and i might respond to that by thinking, "maybe i should start going to Mars Hill," but the real point is that each church has its own purpose and churches are supposed to work together and there's really no reason our church should be any different from Mars Hill; there's also no real reason why our church should strive to be just like Mars Hill.
it's just...it's nice when there's a direction. when there's action, not entirely so that we can validate that we are Christians. but perhaps that's part of it. doing things is a lot easier than relationship with God. it even makes more sense, to go on a mission trip than spending the entire summer in quiet time with God. reading The Irresistible Revolution makes me want to go out and do missions and fight poverty, not exactly start praying more. but is not the church's connection to God primarily or necessarily through prayer?
i guess that's part of the church. finding what God's heart is. and we might be surprised at what we found. maybe it's just to be. maybe it's to change the world (wouldn't that be convenient, since we call ourselves World Changers International?) but i don't have the answer. not yet, i guess i'm trying to figure it out. maybe the goal is intimacy with Christ. to prepare people so that they can go out into the world and...continue to be intimate with Christ. and draw others to intimacy with Christ? maybe the whole point of everything is just to be intimate with Christ? who would have thought that?
anyways, if you read that last post, i guess i...might have been disillusioned again. ups and downs. i am getting better, i think, legitimately better. i'm not just saying i'm getting better. anyways, i feel better. i went running at the Huff and amyie was there, running with little sheets of paper with verses written on them to memorize as she ran. so... i took one of her papers. i realize why the Psalms are so resonant. because when you're feeling down, they really have a lot of promise in them. "Cast your care on the Lord, and He will sustain You. He will never let the righteous fall." the implications are huge. so i'm back into the Psalms again, and Hebrews 11 and 12.
i guess i'm running on an emotional high. by faith and grace, we'll see what happens in a week.
i was searching for a long lost song and found a chain of Christian blogs. the above link is one of a worship leader that links to a huge list of blogs by other worship leaders as well as blogs in general. it's pretty good, and i somewhat long to write like some of them do.
i'm kind of wondering...what is church for? i guess it is glorifying to God and it is certainly supposed to be edifying for each of us. i understand the analogy of Christians being called to be like a City on a Hill, but i also read in Donald Miller and agree that we can't really take that very seriously. we can't just stay in our churches in our self-proclaimed holiness and think we are being Godly. Jesus didn't coop himself up and disappear in the comfort of His own house (He probably didn't even have His own house). in fact, maybe the whole point is that Jesus came from that City on a Hill to us, underneath Him, and yet He didn't forget about His true identity. He still knew who He was and He maintained that position flawlessly, rubbing off on us more than we influenced Him. someone could tell He was from a metaphorical "City on a Hill" just by the way He lived, regardless of where He was physically.
then what is the church meant to do? the big Mars Hill church in Michigan pastored by Rob Bell has actually been working on a water filter that can take pond water and purify it so that it is safe to drink. there's a team of engineers and businessmen and prayers and worshippers probably working on this project so that it could be implemented into African communities where the water is not safe to drink. and i might respond to that by thinking, "maybe i should start going to Mars Hill," but the real point is that each church has its own purpose and churches are supposed to work together and there's really no reason our church should be any different from Mars Hill; there's also no real reason why our church should strive to be just like Mars Hill.
it's just...it's nice when there's a direction. when there's action, not entirely so that we can validate that we are Christians. but perhaps that's part of it. doing things is a lot easier than relationship with God. it even makes more sense, to go on a mission trip than spending the entire summer in quiet time with God. reading The Irresistible Revolution makes me want to go out and do missions and fight poverty, not exactly start praying more. but is not the church's connection to God primarily or necessarily through prayer?
i guess that's part of the church. finding what God's heart is. and we might be surprised at what we found. maybe it's just to be. maybe it's to change the world (wouldn't that be convenient, since we call ourselves World Changers International?) but i don't have the answer. not yet, i guess i'm trying to figure it out. maybe the goal is intimacy with Christ. to prepare people so that they can go out into the world and...continue to be intimate with Christ. and draw others to intimacy with Christ? maybe the whole point of everything is just to be intimate with Christ? who would have thought that?
anyways, if you read that last post, i guess i...might have been disillusioned again. ups and downs. i am getting better, i think, legitimately better. i'm not just saying i'm getting better. anyways, i feel better. i went running at the Huff and amyie was there, running with little sheets of paper with verses written on them to memorize as she ran. so... i took one of her papers. i realize why the Psalms are so resonant. because when you're feeling down, they really have a lot of promise in them. "Cast your care on the Lord, and He will sustain You. He will never let the righteous fall." the implications are huge. so i'm back into the Psalms again, and Hebrews 11 and 12.
i guess i'm running on an emotional high. by faith and grace, we'll see what happens in a week.
confessions
i post up all sorts of writings here and, maybe if you know me, you'd say i'm a nice guy. i certainly take pride in thinking that i am more moral than the next guy, i guess.
i was thinking today about all the prostitutes and Playboy cover girls. i was thinking how you have your firemen who make a living out of serving people. they fight fires and they help people in their time of need. i was thinking how you have everyday people like workers at convenience stores, who are a service because without them, we wouldn't be able to get things like food or household items. and i was thinking, no offense, that it's a little awkward that prostitutes or Playboy cover girls have to make their living out of selling their bodies, almost making themselves into objects of others' enjoyment. i guess it's a service, but why is the market so high in the first place? is there really enough demand that the supply is just increasing steadfastly, over the last decade, on television shows, the Internet, seemingly everything that has anything to do with culture?
we want satisfaction. we just do. sexual satisfaction. i hate that i'm typing this up here when i know that some people will see this and see me for who i am. and if not my identity, then something i struggle with. is that really so bad? i guess i'll leave it all on the floor. i want to be beautiful, yes. i want to be just like what anybody else wants. loved, special, unique. and all of these promises that come from stray places keep tearing me down, and i am senseless in my commitment to them. the commitments i had thought were broken.
anyways, i'm not this person who...thinks the sex and prostitution and pornography market is lame. in fact, i even indulge in it. i would acknowledge this as a problem and i would acknowledge that i don't like this part of myself and i would say that...dropping to standards like that is pretty classless. and i know that...saying this, i risk a lot. i know i can lose anybody's respect at this very moment. i know i am probably automatically the guy you wouldn't want to date, or see a respectable girl date, or see your daughter date, and i know full well that there's not much i can say to that. guilty as charged, i'm not worth it.
and here's the catch - there is none. i don't feel worth it either. i don't know.
i don't really feel like a Christian right now. i feel distanced from God. going through motions. foolishly wasting away. i don't seem to have the initiative to seek out God. i don't feel like i should just start talking to Him like nothing happened tonight, because there is a lot of sin that i filled my night with just now. i mean, things like this should be addressed. at the same time, the relationship shouldn't be cut off completely.
i feel like i am way too dependent on feelings. i know it's not bad to feel good...but it's bad to only pursue to feel good, because half the time, what feels good is possibly what is weighing you down. who am i to say what is good for me? i don't even know me very well.
i have fallen. i ran away today from sinning, but i think i might have run away to running instead of running to God. anyways, i ended up really sinning and screwing up pretty badly tonight. maybe God will read my blog.
dear God,
do you really believe in me?
because i'm not so sure who i am anymore.
david.
i was thinking today about all the prostitutes and Playboy cover girls. i was thinking how you have your firemen who make a living out of serving people. they fight fires and they help people in their time of need. i was thinking how you have everyday people like workers at convenience stores, who are a service because without them, we wouldn't be able to get things like food or household items. and i was thinking, no offense, that it's a little awkward that prostitutes or Playboy cover girls have to make their living out of selling their bodies, almost making themselves into objects of others' enjoyment. i guess it's a service, but why is the market so high in the first place? is there really enough demand that the supply is just increasing steadfastly, over the last decade, on television shows, the Internet, seemingly everything that has anything to do with culture?
we want satisfaction. we just do. sexual satisfaction. i hate that i'm typing this up here when i know that some people will see this and see me for who i am. and if not my identity, then something i struggle with. is that really so bad? i guess i'll leave it all on the floor. i want to be beautiful, yes. i want to be just like what anybody else wants. loved, special, unique. and all of these promises that come from stray places keep tearing me down, and i am senseless in my commitment to them. the commitments i had thought were broken.
anyways, i'm not this person who...thinks the sex and prostitution and pornography market is lame. in fact, i even indulge in it. i would acknowledge this as a problem and i would acknowledge that i don't like this part of myself and i would say that...dropping to standards like that is pretty classless. and i know that...saying this, i risk a lot. i know i can lose anybody's respect at this very moment. i know i am probably automatically the guy you wouldn't want to date, or see a respectable girl date, or see your daughter date, and i know full well that there's not much i can say to that. guilty as charged, i'm not worth it.
and here's the catch - there is none. i don't feel worth it either. i don't know.
i don't really feel like a Christian right now. i feel distanced from God. going through motions. foolishly wasting away. i don't seem to have the initiative to seek out God. i don't feel like i should just start talking to Him like nothing happened tonight, because there is a lot of sin that i filled my night with just now. i mean, things like this should be addressed. at the same time, the relationship shouldn't be cut off completely.
i feel like i am way too dependent on feelings. i know it's not bad to feel good...but it's bad to only pursue to feel good, because half the time, what feels good is possibly what is weighing you down. who am i to say what is good for me? i don't even know me very well.
i have fallen. i ran away today from sinning, but i think i might have run away to running instead of running to God. anyways, i ended up really sinning and screwing up pretty badly tonight. maybe God will read my blog.
dear God,
do you really believe in me?
because i'm not so sure who i am anymore.
david.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
A Rumor about Christ
---this was my final essay for my Expository Writing class. i thought it was pretty good, so i'm putting it up. i don't usually proofread very much what i put up here, so this one should actually be grammatically correct and everything. i thought my penultimate paragraph was pretty good, but i felt a little egotistic in the last paragraph.---
I am a Christian. If I only had one chance to tell you something about myself, that would be it. One thing I wouldn’t tell you, however, is that you’re going to hell if I don’t approve of you. I wouldn’t say that I am any better than you or that you are wrong if we don’t agree. Christianity is so much more than trying to figure out who is right and who is wrong. The term “Christian” seems to have been condensed to simple morals, loyalty to a church, and the jeering and pointing of fingers at political parties, homosexuals, and anyone else who fails to meet the church’s approval. Being a Christian is anything but these things. The real idea of a Christian is someone who has found life in God and is so fulfilled by God that nothing else matters.
This is my story: I grew up in the Christian church – I’ve never known anything else to do on a Sunday morning. When I was young, I would pray the exact same prayers every night before falling asleep. I believed I was a Christian because of this and my church attendance, and at the age of twelve, I was even baptized to publicly declare my faith. Once, I even played Jesus in the Easter skit. And the strangest thing was I wasn’t a Christian. I believed that I was automatically a Christian because of the things I did. But Christianity has nothing to do with works – a Christian is simply someone who believes, knows, and loves God.
As I grew older, I learned I didn’t really believe in God. I found my lifestyle was anything but Christian. I cared about my social popularity and grades more than I could have ever cared about God, and I was okay with that. I had huge fights with my family, and I secretly looked at porn. If you had asked me, I would have told you that I was a Christian, because I still went to church, prayed, and read my Bible. But honestly? I don’t know why I did any of those things – I didn’t believe any of it. And my life was anything but Christian.
I guess I believed in God. I believed all the right things, all the things they told us we had to believe in order to be considered Christian. I believed them like a student memorizes facts for a test without learning anything. I solely wanted to be accepted, so I committed to God and enjoyed the approval from the adults and my peers. Entering into high school, I secretly and subconsciously departed from Christianity. I was still doing everything I thought a Christian should do, but it was just something I did without thinking about, much like homework. If Christianity was just these things, it was useless.
I started to struggle with depression. My grades sucked, I couldn’t be myself around my friends, and I continually fought with my mom and sister. I had no reason to live. I wasn’t on the verge of suicide, but I was getting more and more frustrated with the idea that I was only living to get A’s in school and to be popular. I needed something that gave me purpose, something that wouldn’t be worthless after a week like a grade or date. After a while, I started going to a new church. I needed answers, and church seemed to provide them.
The youth pastor at my new church, Mike, had some very different ideas about God and what Christianity was like. They were different from anything I had ever heard. Mike literally believed in God. He talked about God like a real person, as though Christianity wasn’t just about doing things. He said God was still alive and He could actually help you out and talk to you and solve your problems if you approached Him and tried to listen to His voice, no matter who you were. My paradigm began to shift. No longer was the qualification of a Christian whether or not someone was a good person; it even says that in the Bible: “A man is not justified by the works of the law but by faith in Jesus Christ…by works of the law no flesh shall be justified” (Galatians 2:16, NKJV). God seemed to reveal Himself to me, though I’m not sure how to explain it. I just felt like He was there and He was talking to me everywhere I went. He seemed to show me how great it was to talk to Him and what it meant to really let Him control my life and what the result would be if I stayed obedient to Him.
I had a reason to live again and was discovering something much more lasting and exciting than anything I had ever experienced in school. Besides the way it made me feel, it made sense. I have to admit that I think there are certain things we can’t understand about God; He’s not always logically sound. But if I let go of only investing myself in things that I can understand and rationalize, I think God makes sense. And I could certainly see the change in my life. I stopped fighting with my family and myself, and I didn’t have to pretend to be somebody else when I was with the people at youth group. And if God was really God and all He wanted from me was a relationship, then it didn’t matter how good my grades were or if I was popular. All that mattered was relationship with Him, and if I had it, then I had everything.
This contradicted my entire conception of what made someone a Christian. I had thought Christianity was all about reading the Bible and being a good person, but I didn’t realize that God could actually be real. I began to think that a Christian was someone who spent time with God, who knew God and believed in Him, and had gone as far as to commit and base his life on a relationship with Him.
I began to believe that someone wouldn’t get to heaven by doing all of the right things well enough, but by loving God. But I don’t think everybody thinks like this. It seems like no one really loves God anymore; everyone is just doing. Many people claim that they are Christians and say that they love God and that they are going to heaven because of it, but their lives don’t show that they love God. Ridiculous things have been done in the name of God, by people who call themselves Christians, and I think if they truly loved God, they would realize that some of the things they do are destructive and can hardly be considered Christ-like.
Because of what “Christians” have done in the past, many have responded by turning away from God completely and wanting nothing to do with Christians. Christians have made a reputation for themselves for being arrogant jerks and clueless idiots who don’t know how to love people. Too many times have we encountered Christians who stand on street corners, telling everybody that they will go to hell if they don’t believe and repent. Jesus never said things like this, and I don’t think He would approve of things like this being said. I believe that Jesus didn’t come to condemn man (John 3:17), but He came to provide life to the fullest. He actually loved people. And I think most Christians nowadays don’t.
At the University of Oklahoma, it seems that everyone on campus is a Christian. But it also seems that no one really loves each other. They only care about “saving” people. And truly, when I am having a bad day, I don’t need someone to throw a religion at me and tell me I should believe or else I will go to hell. It is not that these things are necessarily untrue (if anything, they are gray areas and it is up to God to judge who goes to heaven or hell), but I think the approach misses the point of Christianity. Not only does this method of evangelism seem condemning and rude, but Christianity is not supposed to be about the afterlife; it is supposed to be about loving God no matter what. I don’t want to hear someone tell me God will crush me if I’m not good enough; I need someone who can tell me that God’s love is unconditional and things are going to be okay if I continue to trust that He will help me. The point of the church is not to make others like them or to judge them; the purpose of the church is to show others that Christ loves them.
I have not exactly found a church that I feel like I belong to since moving to Norman. I just don’t feel like I fit in with any of the churches in Norman or campus ministries at OU that I have attended. It is not that I don’t feel welcome; it is more like I have not found people with whom I am comfortable being myself. Sometimes it is a disagreement of doctrine, and at other times, I honestly just don’t like the people. It’s not hatred; we just seem to be from different backgrounds and have different interests and personalities.
I don’t mean to be critical, but some churches also seem to be filled with pretenders, people who appear very religious or spiritual and yet know nothing about God. They know all about the Bible, but they haven’t applied it to their lives. They know all about God, but they don’t have real relationship with Him. They don’t sit down and talk to Him because they enjoy it or because they know that God enjoys it. They do everything out of impulse, if they do it at all. I should add that I am not so different; at times, I am just like these Christians who have forgotten about God. I’m also wrong to judge, but this is what some churches feel like to me, and I think that the fake holiness that abides in the church is what non-Christians find so unappealing.
My roommate isn’t a Christian because he is fed up with all of the pretending that goes on in the church. He realizes that the church is filled with hypocrites who use God to reap the benefits, people who say one thing and do another. The last thing my roommate needs is someone to tell him he’s going to hell. I don’t try to save him; I try to love him. And I realize that I still fall short. I could never fully communicate the love that God has for him. I call myself a real Christian because I believe in God and interact with Him, but I am still only human. I struggle with the same thoughts, doubts, fears, and sins as anybody else. I try to be pleasing to God and to base my life on a relationship with Him, but it’s hard. I struggle with judging people and I show favoritism and still look at porn, and these are not things that belong in the life of someone who calls himself a Christian. I also know that my theology isn’t perfect, and I’m not trying to say that I’m right or that I know what’s going on. But I still believe in a God that is real and active, and I believe that I need someone like this God in my life.
I think that this is what really matters to God – a true desire for Him. God could really care less whether we went to church every Sunday of our lives, and He even says in the Bible, “Stop bringing meaningless offerings! Your incense is detestable to me…When you spread out your hands in prayer, I will hide my eyes from you” (Isaiah 1:13, 15, TNIV). There is nothing wrong with good works, but if they are not done out of a love for God, they are missing the point. Reading the Bible isn’t bad, but it is wrong to read the Bible for the sole purpose of making yourself look better.
Jesus chose to eat with the criminals and prostitutes instead of the Pharisees, who were the religious leaders at the time, because the Pharisees had taken God out of Christianity. They did the works, the “meaningless offerings,” not to be seen by God, but by men. If they could convince others that they were strong Christians, they could manipulate power in their favor. So they would stand on street corners and pray aloud and they would fast and disfigure their faces so it looked like they had given so much to God, but really, they did all of this so they could be seen by men. They didn’t want God; they wanted their own glory and power.
It seems that many Christians have become like the Pharisees, people who do certain acts only to be seen by men. I would argue that these people have taken Christ out of Christianity and made it about works instead. And when Christianity is no longer centered on God and interaction with Him, it stops being so appealing. Most of the reason of why I am a Christian is because I have gained so much from learning about God and what He has said and done. The excitement doesn’t come from going to church or reading my Bible; the excitement comes from interaction with God Himself.
I was talking to one of my friends who said he used to believe in God; he said he would read his Bible and pray, but eventually, he got to the end of it. If Christianity is just reading stories and morals out of a “sacred” book and praying to an impersonal God, then it is pointless. It wouldn’t really do that much good. But if Christianity could be about God, then it would actually mean something. It would mean that people could start putting their trust in God out of a belief that He actually exists. We wouldn’t have to be consumed by school and getting high paying jobs, because they wouldn’t matter; we wouldn’t have to worry about who we are going to marry, because we would know that God has already planned the perfect spouse for us. It would mean social hierarchies would break and everyone could be accepted. It would weaken poverty, because people would actually care about others and give away the things they don’t need. The ramifications of what Christ-centered Christians could do are endless.
It is because of these ramifications that I am a Christian – because I desire something bigger than this world and something greater than money and fame. I think God provides this. I am a Christian because my life seems rather empty without God and only a relationship with Him has filled that void. I don’t love God because I want to go to heaven. I don’t love God because I want to be able to say I am a better person than everybody else. I love God because I think that is my purpose in life, and I love Him because He is worthy to be loved.
I am a Christian. If I only had one chance to tell you something about myself, that would be it. One thing I wouldn’t tell you, however, is that you’re going to hell if I don’t approve of you. I wouldn’t say that I am any better than you or that you are wrong if we don’t agree. Christianity is so much more than trying to figure out who is right and who is wrong. The term “Christian” seems to have been condensed to simple morals, loyalty to a church, and the jeering and pointing of fingers at political parties, homosexuals, and anyone else who fails to meet the church’s approval. Being a Christian is anything but these things. The real idea of a Christian is someone who has found life in God and is so fulfilled by God that nothing else matters.
This is my story: I grew up in the Christian church – I’ve never known anything else to do on a Sunday morning. When I was young, I would pray the exact same prayers every night before falling asleep. I believed I was a Christian because of this and my church attendance, and at the age of twelve, I was even baptized to publicly declare my faith. Once, I even played Jesus in the Easter skit. And the strangest thing was I wasn’t a Christian. I believed that I was automatically a Christian because of the things I did. But Christianity has nothing to do with works – a Christian is simply someone who believes, knows, and loves God.
As I grew older, I learned I didn’t really believe in God. I found my lifestyle was anything but Christian. I cared about my social popularity and grades more than I could have ever cared about God, and I was okay with that. I had huge fights with my family, and I secretly looked at porn. If you had asked me, I would have told you that I was a Christian, because I still went to church, prayed, and read my Bible. But honestly? I don’t know why I did any of those things – I didn’t believe any of it. And my life was anything but Christian.
I guess I believed in God. I believed all the right things, all the things they told us we had to believe in order to be considered Christian. I believed them like a student memorizes facts for a test without learning anything. I solely wanted to be accepted, so I committed to God and enjoyed the approval from the adults and my peers. Entering into high school, I secretly and subconsciously departed from Christianity. I was still doing everything I thought a Christian should do, but it was just something I did without thinking about, much like homework. If Christianity was just these things, it was useless.
I started to struggle with depression. My grades sucked, I couldn’t be myself around my friends, and I continually fought with my mom and sister. I had no reason to live. I wasn’t on the verge of suicide, but I was getting more and more frustrated with the idea that I was only living to get A’s in school and to be popular. I needed something that gave me purpose, something that wouldn’t be worthless after a week like a grade or date. After a while, I started going to a new church. I needed answers, and church seemed to provide them.
The youth pastor at my new church, Mike, had some very different ideas about God and what Christianity was like. They were different from anything I had ever heard. Mike literally believed in God. He talked about God like a real person, as though Christianity wasn’t just about doing things. He said God was still alive and He could actually help you out and talk to you and solve your problems if you approached Him and tried to listen to His voice, no matter who you were. My paradigm began to shift. No longer was the qualification of a Christian whether or not someone was a good person; it even says that in the Bible: “A man is not justified by the works of the law but by faith in Jesus Christ…by works of the law no flesh shall be justified” (Galatians 2:16, NKJV). God seemed to reveal Himself to me, though I’m not sure how to explain it. I just felt like He was there and He was talking to me everywhere I went. He seemed to show me how great it was to talk to Him and what it meant to really let Him control my life and what the result would be if I stayed obedient to Him.
I had a reason to live again and was discovering something much more lasting and exciting than anything I had ever experienced in school. Besides the way it made me feel, it made sense. I have to admit that I think there are certain things we can’t understand about God; He’s not always logically sound. But if I let go of only investing myself in things that I can understand and rationalize, I think God makes sense. And I could certainly see the change in my life. I stopped fighting with my family and myself, and I didn’t have to pretend to be somebody else when I was with the people at youth group. And if God was really God and all He wanted from me was a relationship, then it didn’t matter how good my grades were or if I was popular. All that mattered was relationship with Him, and if I had it, then I had everything.
This contradicted my entire conception of what made someone a Christian. I had thought Christianity was all about reading the Bible and being a good person, but I didn’t realize that God could actually be real. I began to think that a Christian was someone who spent time with God, who knew God and believed in Him, and had gone as far as to commit and base his life on a relationship with Him.
I began to believe that someone wouldn’t get to heaven by doing all of the right things well enough, but by loving God. But I don’t think everybody thinks like this. It seems like no one really loves God anymore; everyone is just doing. Many people claim that they are Christians and say that they love God and that they are going to heaven because of it, but their lives don’t show that they love God. Ridiculous things have been done in the name of God, by people who call themselves Christians, and I think if they truly loved God, they would realize that some of the things they do are destructive and can hardly be considered Christ-like.
Because of what “Christians” have done in the past, many have responded by turning away from God completely and wanting nothing to do with Christians. Christians have made a reputation for themselves for being arrogant jerks and clueless idiots who don’t know how to love people. Too many times have we encountered Christians who stand on street corners, telling everybody that they will go to hell if they don’t believe and repent. Jesus never said things like this, and I don’t think He would approve of things like this being said. I believe that Jesus didn’t come to condemn man (John 3:17), but He came to provide life to the fullest. He actually loved people. And I think most Christians nowadays don’t.
At the University of Oklahoma, it seems that everyone on campus is a Christian. But it also seems that no one really loves each other. They only care about “saving” people. And truly, when I am having a bad day, I don’t need someone to throw a religion at me and tell me I should believe or else I will go to hell. It is not that these things are necessarily untrue (if anything, they are gray areas and it is up to God to judge who goes to heaven or hell), but I think the approach misses the point of Christianity. Not only does this method of evangelism seem condemning and rude, but Christianity is not supposed to be about the afterlife; it is supposed to be about loving God no matter what. I don’t want to hear someone tell me God will crush me if I’m not good enough; I need someone who can tell me that God’s love is unconditional and things are going to be okay if I continue to trust that He will help me. The point of the church is not to make others like them or to judge them; the purpose of the church is to show others that Christ loves them.
I have not exactly found a church that I feel like I belong to since moving to Norman. I just don’t feel like I fit in with any of the churches in Norman or campus ministries at OU that I have attended. It is not that I don’t feel welcome; it is more like I have not found people with whom I am comfortable being myself. Sometimes it is a disagreement of doctrine, and at other times, I honestly just don’t like the people. It’s not hatred; we just seem to be from different backgrounds and have different interests and personalities.
I don’t mean to be critical, but some churches also seem to be filled with pretenders, people who appear very religious or spiritual and yet know nothing about God. They know all about the Bible, but they haven’t applied it to their lives. They know all about God, but they don’t have real relationship with Him. They don’t sit down and talk to Him because they enjoy it or because they know that God enjoys it. They do everything out of impulse, if they do it at all. I should add that I am not so different; at times, I am just like these Christians who have forgotten about God. I’m also wrong to judge, but this is what some churches feel like to me, and I think that the fake holiness that abides in the church is what non-Christians find so unappealing.
My roommate isn’t a Christian because he is fed up with all of the pretending that goes on in the church. He realizes that the church is filled with hypocrites who use God to reap the benefits, people who say one thing and do another. The last thing my roommate needs is someone to tell him he’s going to hell. I don’t try to save him; I try to love him. And I realize that I still fall short. I could never fully communicate the love that God has for him. I call myself a real Christian because I believe in God and interact with Him, but I am still only human. I struggle with the same thoughts, doubts, fears, and sins as anybody else. I try to be pleasing to God and to base my life on a relationship with Him, but it’s hard. I struggle with judging people and I show favoritism and still look at porn, and these are not things that belong in the life of someone who calls himself a Christian. I also know that my theology isn’t perfect, and I’m not trying to say that I’m right or that I know what’s going on. But I still believe in a God that is real and active, and I believe that I need someone like this God in my life.
I think that this is what really matters to God – a true desire for Him. God could really care less whether we went to church every Sunday of our lives, and He even says in the Bible, “Stop bringing meaningless offerings! Your incense is detestable to me…When you spread out your hands in prayer, I will hide my eyes from you” (Isaiah 1:13, 15, TNIV). There is nothing wrong with good works, but if they are not done out of a love for God, they are missing the point. Reading the Bible isn’t bad, but it is wrong to read the Bible for the sole purpose of making yourself look better.
Jesus chose to eat with the criminals and prostitutes instead of the Pharisees, who were the religious leaders at the time, because the Pharisees had taken God out of Christianity. They did the works, the “meaningless offerings,” not to be seen by God, but by men. If they could convince others that they were strong Christians, they could manipulate power in their favor. So they would stand on street corners and pray aloud and they would fast and disfigure their faces so it looked like they had given so much to God, but really, they did all of this so they could be seen by men. They didn’t want God; they wanted their own glory and power.
It seems that many Christians have become like the Pharisees, people who do certain acts only to be seen by men. I would argue that these people have taken Christ out of Christianity and made it about works instead. And when Christianity is no longer centered on God and interaction with Him, it stops being so appealing. Most of the reason of why I am a Christian is because I have gained so much from learning about God and what He has said and done. The excitement doesn’t come from going to church or reading my Bible; the excitement comes from interaction with God Himself.
I was talking to one of my friends who said he used to believe in God; he said he would read his Bible and pray, but eventually, he got to the end of it. If Christianity is just reading stories and morals out of a “sacred” book and praying to an impersonal God, then it is pointless. It wouldn’t really do that much good. But if Christianity could be about God, then it would actually mean something. It would mean that people could start putting their trust in God out of a belief that He actually exists. We wouldn’t have to be consumed by school and getting high paying jobs, because they wouldn’t matter; we wouldn’t have to worry about who we are going to marry, because we would know that God has already planned the perfect spouse for us. It would mean social hierarchies would break and everyone could be accepted. It would weaken poverty, because people would actually care about others and give away the things they don’t need. The ramifications of what Christ-centered Christians could do are endless.
It is because of these ramifications that I am a Christian – because I desire something bigger than this world and something greater than money and fame. I think God provides this. I am a Christian because my life seems rather empty without God and only a relationship with Him has filled that void. I don’t love God because I want to go to heaven. I don’t love God because I want to be able to say I am a better person than everybody else. I love God because I think that is my purpose in life, and I love Him because He is worthy to be loved.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
lacking (new)
i found this back from january 2007 and thought it was pretty good, so i proofread it and changed a couple things. nothing radical, but i think it's better than a year ago.
i think it's a beautiful thing to be vulnerable. it's beautiful when everything goes down in flames and there is no tomorrow and you're just trying to get past that moment of grief. When nothing else matters, and you do things you have never done before because you aren’t going to sit around and just let things happen. You take off running and you run your heart out because of desperation.
i watched a little bit of Beauty and the Geek, a reality TV show where hot, ditzy girls were matched with socially challenged geeks and sent through challenges to win money. One of the girls who had gotten into the finals or maybe not even that far was talking to the camera in a small room, kind of like a confessional booth. she was crying, saying how she felt shallow, how she saw that it didn't make any sense at all to put so much value on how she looked. She talked about how there was more to life than just make up and looks. and i think she saw that it didn't make her any better than anyone else and she had no right to treat these geeks like they were subhuman, just because people liked her and nobody liked them.
then i watched a little bit of the Real World-Road Rules challenge on MTV, which is pretty much the same concept as Beauty and the Geek, except everyone is hot and they are all battling for even more money. there was an elimination match between two guys, two of the top guys or something, and after an excruciatingly long time, one of them finally won. And at the end, he went back to his hotel room and called his fiancee and broke down crying. he couldn't really move because he was so tired. he was exhausted – he had totally spent himself trying to win the challenge, and now that he had finally won it, he wasn't sure if it was worth it. He had gone through this epic battle to try to preserve his chance to win the money, and… now he wasn’t sure if it was worth it. he wasn’t sure if he deserved it and he was more unsure that he enjoyed it. he said if he had to go through it all again, he didn't know what he would do, but he wouldn't want to go through it all because it was so physically grueling. he said he didn't know why he was doing it anymore - the whole game - and whether or not it was worth it. vulnerable.
and i did something. i ran away from home one weekend and ran away from God because i was mad i was losing to lust and i ran away on the main streets, keeping a fast pace because i wanted it to hurt. and it was cold - like 35 degrees or so, and it was late at night and i only had a t-shirt and some basketball shorts on. about five miles later, i ended up at someone's house. i didn't really want anything more than just to be there...but i don't think i was welcome. i didn't feel like it, anyway. i ran away from there and maybe about half a mile or more later, my legs started cramping up, at first just a little. if i kept running, the pain would go away for a little. i felt like crap...because i didn't have anywhere to be. I was at least five miles away from home, it was incredibly impractical to think I could make it back. when i passed 71st and yale, headed south, my left leg shut down. it cramped and i couldn't really go on. i fell to the sidewalk, but it happened in such a position that my right leg started cramping too, and my hip, or something else. and so i ended up lying on the sidewalk, crying, because my left leg was dead and my right leg was dead and any movement would shoot pain through my body, and i didn't want to go home, and i didn't want to go to God's home, and the only home i wanted to go to wouldn't welcome me.
i screamed at God that He was right. that i was wrong. that i just needed to be saved. i felt worse because i wanted someone to stop and help me out, but no one did. it was dark and cold, and i was yelling in pain. vulnerable.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
