just give me God

hey guys, i'm not really in the mood to write this post, but at the same time, if i don't write this, i'll find myself doing something before thinking it through. i can't pretend i'm a saint. i read somewhere that God sees us saints, not sinners, but the truth remains that i don't deserve to be seen that way. i'm jealous and i'm frustrated and i am so close to apathy. so close to just quit, to give everything away just in this single moment. i've heard people say "don't settle a temporary problem with a permanent solution," but they were talking about suicide and i'm not talking about suicide. i'm just talking about lust. and jealousy. and girls.

wouldn't it be great...to see someone give everything away? imagine with me. someone in a position where the circumstances are okay. maybe not even mediocre - maybe everything is going well. wouldn't it be great to see that person give that away, to risk it all - for what they really want? imagine someone who's got everything they could ever dream of...giving everything away - giving the comfort away and the security so that they can pursue what they really want, not knowing if they're going to get it. but risking it nonetheless.

i'm not going to say that this is like God, though i guess it is, because He wants us and stops at nothing to make it possible for us to be with Him. i'm just saying...wouldn't it be great to take the risk? to trade in the comfort of life in exchange for... something that might not be as great? to trade in the attention of men for the attention of God? to trade a high paying job to live on the streets? to trade popularity to be with outcasts, to trade pride and confidence for nothingness? to trade everything that you could ever want for...lowliness. not knowing if it'll be worth it, but taking the risk. realizing that people will tell you, "i told you so," and think lowly of you, but overlooking that because you want to find your life somewhere else. because you want a different substance than comfort provides.

comfort is great. but in tension... but in challenges, tribulations, crises, breakdowns. injuries. in all these things... are you not made all the better?

i hope i don't sound like a broken record to some people. but i realize that... i am writing for myself and for God. i should not be writing because i take pride in my writing and i should not be writing because i think i am good at it or think i am better at it than others. the reason i am writing should be because i enjoy it, just like playing the piano for any other reason besides an enjoyment of the melody and possibilities seems a little strange (okay, perhaps a bad example...i guess there are several justified reasons why one may play a piano, and obviously i'm not supposed to be the one who can judge).

anyways, this post wasn't meant to really go anywhere. just some thoughts. and to spend some time before i end up going to sleep. tests going like crazy, seven page research paper due Monday. gotta get a ride back home tomorrow, make it to the weekend without crashing, without ruining myself with pride, selfishness, and whatever the opposite of contentedness. i guess those three adjectives could all be the same thing. anyways... i still feel kind of lonely. i realize that God has been answering prayers, and it's interesting, because God seems to be forcing it so that the only thing i have is Him...but, it's hard to be content. want what the world has to offer. can't serve two masters though. one or the other. to be with God means to be divorced from the world, separated. a lifestyle actually foreign, so much that i am not easily recognized as myself anymore.

how about some goal setting? before the end of the semester:
1. be content with God. and only God.
2. grow more comfortable with myself.
3. grow more comfortable with relationships and girls and not be so convinced i can only do wrong. but not be puffed up. humility.
4. an A in expository writing (oh man...this is dangerous. if i keep up with these goals, i'll really have to start applying myself). OR to read the New Testament. one or the other.
5. more honest worship. with my guitar and with my heart.
6. to be in desperate need for daily Quiet Time and prayer (ie God).