not really sure what to say

hey guys, it's been a while since i've posted up here. not much is really going on. today is Thanksgiving, which meant a lot of food and relaxing. spent about five hours of last night finishing up an essay that was due at midnight, so today i'm just hanging out. started doing programming problems again from the USA Computing Olympiad (i'm not legal since i'm out of high school, but i can still do them now that i know how) and just reading Thr3e by Ted Dekker. Black Friday is tomorrow, and rather than shop, i'm planning on running around on 71st. weather was pretty good today, though it was in the 30's yesterday. not really doing anything now, so i was just looking at the Chicago Marathon...7:15 pace will qualify me for Boston. just need to up the mileage.

anyways, i must admit i'm kind of scared to post anything up here. apparently a couple more people than just billy read this.

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i wrote that on Thanksgiving, never really finished the post, so i'm putting it up now. back to OU from home, things are different. it really is weird...back in the rhythm of things, in the privacy of being lost in a crowd (i don't know how to explain it...maybe just not being "home"), it becomes so much easier to pray and to believe in God. i know faith shouldn't be circumstantial, but this is the case, and i'm at least glad for the intimacy that is being rejuvenated.

we had a prayer meeting on Sunday night, the Restoration group (ask me about it sometime if interested) and we spent a while just praying about enjoying the Lord. not striving, not beating ourselves up to get to Him, not wanting to pray for the sake of praying or for whatever other sakes there are. not counting it burden or obligation, but just trying to enjoy God. in light of recent events, i learned maybe that i trivialize grace too much. i'm too freaked out at things, and if i am not reading my Bible every waking moment or not in a deep prayer conversation, i think things are wrong, or that i have failed God, or God is upset with me. apparently this is the kind of behavior, at an extremity, that yields... well, you know. distance.

the necessity to do things to earn God's approval or even to earn your own approval (as in "now I can approach God") cannot be satisfied. the actions become more important than the heart until finally, you're doing everything that you're supposed to be doing, but you've lost all momentum and all velocity. you might even be moving backward. instead of living, you've forgotten. instead of letting yourself come alive, you've fallen trying to come alive on your own and out of shame, only fall deeper.

anyways, yeah. i think i'm gonna try to take a break from Blogger. things are going fine, i just think i'm going to stop posting for a little while (not that you'll probably be able to tell. i hardly post anymore anyways). came back from Thanksgiving break in Tulsa, which was great, now i'm just working on three weeks of school before oneThing and the Call at IHOP in Kansas City. math test tomorrow, the design for a project due in computer science, and a writing assignment in EXPO writing due tomorrow, not to mention some scholarship apps. today was good.

Romans 12 is also pretty good.

maybe it's me, but things in the Bible seem to have a lot to do with food. Esau lost his inheritance to Jacob because he gave his birthright for some stew, and their father Isaac ended up blessing Jacob because he asked for fine food (just the way he liked it) and Jacob delivered.

even in Romans, Paul tells us not to judge each other in terms of food. he says that there are people who eat everything - these are the ones that are full of the Holy Spirit (pun intended). and then he says there are some who eat some things and refrain from eating other things - these are kind of like beginners, who have just started eating. he says those who eat everything shouldn't despise those who don't eat everything and vice versa. "Who are you to judge another's servant? To his own master he stands or falls." i'm not very sure what that means.

a couple verses later, paul says that whoever eats, eats to the Lord, and whoever doesn't eat, doesn't eat to the Lord. i don't think that's a connection to the above paragraph. kinda makes me hungry though.

interesting dilemma + catching up

again, not much of a serious or aimed/loaded post. just writing to pass the time.

i should be working on a paper right now. but this is ridiculous.

times like these make me wish i had a girlfriend, and i don't even know why. it's ridiculous. maybe because it's a lot easier than God. i don't think anybody really reads this besides billy, i would be surprised to know if anybody else really read this.

this is ridiculous.

eyes on God. in the storm.

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wrote that on the ninth when i was back in tulsa. seven page paper due today, stayed up until five working on it, three hours of sleep, finished it in my calculus class. yeah, i guess that's pretty bad. it really is grace. not very sleepy. you know what i want to say?

i listen to the song Here I am by Shaun Groves, and i want to say "let's go do something big. let's change the world. let's stop sitting around and make a difference." and the funniest thing is that the most we could ever do is be living sacrifices, to surrender. to give away impulse for comfort, popularity, and security in our own corruptible riches and live for love instead, a love that few will ever be able to see and even fewer ever able to understand. and that leads me to think "let's let go," even though it isn't something i exactly want to say.

[man. i was talking to jojo about relationships last night for like an hour. he said i should watch Friends. man, he knows a lot.]

i'll try to post something up here with more depth or interest later sometime.

just give me God

hey guys, i'm not really in the mood to write this post, but at the same time, if i don't write this, i'll find myself doing something before thinking it through. i can't pretend i'm a saint. i read somewhere that God sees us saints, not sinners, but the truth remains that i don't deserve to be seen that way. i'm jealous and i'm frustrated and i am so close to apathy. so close to just quit, to give everything away just in this single moment. i've heard people say "don't settle a temporary problem with a permanent solution," but they were talking about suicide and i'm not talking about suicide. i'm just talking about lust. and jealousy. and girls.

wouldn't it be great...to see someone give everything away? imagine with me. someone in a position where the circumstances are okay. maybe not even mediocre - maybe everything is going well. wouldn't it be great to see that person give that away, to risk it all - for what they really want? imagine someone who's got everything they could ever dream of...giving everything away - giving the comfort away and the security so that they can pursue what they really want, not knowing if they're going to get it. but risking it nonetheless.

i'm not going to say that this is like God, though i guess it is, because He wants us and stops at nothing to make it possible for us to be with Him. i'm just saying...wouldn't it be great to take the risk? to trade in the comfort of life in exchange for... something that might not be as great? to trade in the attention of men for the attention of God? to trade a high paying job to live on the streets? to trade popularity to be with outcasts, to trade pride and confidence for nothingness? to trade everything that you could ever want for...lowliness. not knowing if it'll be worth it, but taking the risk. realizing that people will tell you, "i told you so," and think lowly of you, but overlooking that because you want to find your life somewhere else. because you want a different substance than comfort provides.

comfort is great. but in tension... but in challenges, tribulations, crises, breakdowns. injuries. in all these things... are you not made all the better?

i hope i don't sound like a broken record to some people. but i realize that... i am writing for myself and for God. i should not be writing because i take pride in my writing and i should not be writing because i think i am good at it or think i am better at it than others. the reason i am writing should be because i enjoy it, just like playing the piano for any other reason besides an enjoyment of the melody and possibilities seems a little strange (okay, perhaps a bad example...i guess there are several justified reasons why one may play a piano, and obviously i'm not supposed to be the one who can judge).

anyways, this post wasn't meant to really go anywhere. just some thoughts. and to spend some time before i end up going to sleep. tests going like crazy, seven page research paper due Monday. gotta get a ride back home tomorrow, make it to the weekend without crashing, without ruining myself with pride, selfishness, and whatever the opposite of contentedness. i guess those three adjectives could all be the same thing. anyways... i still feel kind of lonely. i realize that God has been answering prayers, and it's interesting, because God seems to be forcing it so that the only thing i have is Him...but, it's hard to be content. want what the world has to offer. can't serve two masters though. one or the other. to be with God means to be divorced from the world, separated. a lifestyle actually foreign, so much that i am not easily recognized as myself anymore.

how about some goal setting? before the end of the semester:
1. be content with God. and only God.
2. grow more comfortable with myself.
3. grow more comfortable with relationships and girls and not be so convinced i can only do wrong. but not be puffed up. humility.
4. an A in expository writing (oh man...this is dangerous. if i keep up with these goals, i'll really have to start applying myself). OR to read the New Testament. one or the other.
5. more honest worship. with my guitar and with my heart.
6. to be in desperate need for daily Quiet Time and prayer (ie God).

Lord (I don't know) by the Newsboys

one of my friends has a photo album on Facebook called The Places No One Sees. it's pretty nice. a great idea too. to see what everyone seems to miss. like the stars, for example. or the beauty of people. the seeming impossibility of mechanics as simple as riding a bike. the way rhythm fits into itself. seeing the people that no one sees. befriending who is weak, letting yourself be vulnerable. but that's not where i'm going with this post.

hopefully i'll touch someone's heart with this. and i don't know how to say it, or what to say, so i'm just gonna start writing.

you know God died for us? He died so that we wouldn't live stagnant lives. and so we get caught up with everything and we forget, and we count His salvation and His grace common (Hebrews 10:29), and we deny Him. and so when we look around and see all of the destruction or failure or disappointment and chaos and whatever around us, we just want to quit. we want to give up. we want to say "look at all the crap i've done. and i just don't want to deal with it. i don't have strength... look. i just don't want to deal with this."

and yet the world moves on, the day goes on, the train starts moving again and if you take a second, take a day off, you're behind. you're gone. more failure, more disappointment, more frustration, more work. less energy. you took a break and ironically you end up more tired than before. people say relax, but you don't know how. it might as well be a foreign word you can't comprehend.

and then you have Christians looking at you, expecting you to feel it, and you just can't tell them, "look, i'm just not feeling it. i don't want to deal with this." and you got non-Christians looking at you wondering if you're going to screw up, wondering why you're even a Christian in the first place, and you throw on another mask because you can't tell them, "look, i'm just not feeling it." and responsibilities at home and at school build up, and responsibilities to the church, and they're responsibilities. if you don't do them, that would make you irresponsible. and, all of a sudden, the church, which was supposed to help build you up, could be tearing you down. school, which is supposed to make you come alive and get you involved with things you like, ends up killing you. and home isn't a home or a refuge. it's a battleground. and then still, you have this tug on your heart that says, "come on, why aren't you spending time with God?"

wouldn't it be great to live a day not thinking saying "i'm glad just to be here," instead of "oh man, i have this homework that i really need to get done." wouldn't it be great to take a class thinking "i'm just blown away to have this opportunity," instead of saying, "well, if i get this A..."

and that tug is still on your heart, asking "why aren't you spending time with God?"

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and don't you see? that voice isn't from God. it's not from God, not in that context at least. the Christians ask you, "why aren't you spending time with God?" the nonChristians ask you, "what's so great about your god?" pretty soon everyone is telling you, "i thought you were better than that." condemnation all around, all you can eat. and what is God saying?

you don't know. you might not even be able to guess.

this is why you need God to be true.

this is why you need God in the first place.

because He didn't come to condemn (John 3:17).

the world is going up in flames and you can't see your hand in front of your face, and your whole day is like a buffet of condemnation, and home's not home and church isn't church and school doesn't seem like anything more than dead weight. and what you really want to do is leave. quit. call it off. because the voice is still saying, "why aren't you spending time with God?"

you know what God asks?

He asks you to be in peace. He asks you to live in His peace. so that when the world goes up in flames like it's going now, you don't go through the agony of condemnation. in 1 Corinthians 7, paul is talking about relationships, and he's talking about the grief of someone leaving in a relationship,* a relationship not working out the way you want it to work, when all of a sudden he says, "But God has called us to peace."

you know what God asks?

"let me take Your burdens. let me fix what's really bugging you, let me fix what you don't want to deal with."

and you respond, "God i don't know how. i don't have the energy."

and God says, "you don't have to do anything. just be willing." you're unconvinced. it seems like the effort has to be on your part. and God says, "you don't have to do anything. i already did it all. just put your faith in me. instead of doing something, put your faith in me that i'll take care of what you need. just be willing."

you say, "i don't want to be willing. i don't want to change."

but if you don't change...all you will ever have is the world condemning you. if you change, which ultimately can only come from God...all you will ever have is peace.

...

i offer this prayer: Lord, i don't know what i'm doing. i don't know what's going on. i'm a bit sick of myself. the circumstances are only getting worse, and i am so easily influenced by what is going on around me that i easily abandon you and forget who i am meant to be. i forget any kind of higher purpose than instant gratification and to be seen by men. Lord, please let me come back. please let me do things Your way. please give me faith. please give me a heart that is focused and centered on You, and let me realize that i really need You. for everything. i need You to be God, i need You to be everything. that is the only thing i need. for You to come into my life and be who You are. God, i pray you would lead me to fall in love with You. i don't know what needs to happen on my part, and i don't know if i'm willing, but God, i pray that You would make me willing. God, i pray You would make me to fall in love with You, because that is where i will come alive.

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*(okay, this isn't the best example, because the relationship paul is talking about is in the context of a nonbeliever and a believer. take this into consideration, but i wasn't trying to manipulate verses. i think the idea of grief is what was important)