one Sunday, when Pastor Ron was still the pastor of the English ministry, he led the youth group during Sunday School, and billy closed in prayer. he prayed that each day we could get closer to God. well, today is the first real day where this has happened. or at least it will be the first day i remember specifically for getting closer to God. i had a great day, really blessed. and i say this to God's glory. it shouldn't be mine, and this is a rare moment because it is now that i would give everything away. it is now that i am sensitive to the Holy Spirit, that i am eternally minded more than i am focused on the things of this world. so this is to God's glory and it should not and cannot be my own. i also pray that it is edifying.
i remember i forgave my dad at my first Acquire the Fire. with Restoration, we started doing this devotional thing called The Prayer Driven Life, and it's written by this guy named Bishop Robert Oh who's actually pretty cool. (check out the website, the whole book is there in pdf format. it's under PDL OH on the right column.) it's 21 days long and it's all about prayer, and that is what we have been talking about in Restoration, how important it is to be in prayer with God, in communication with Him. anyways, in the Prayer Driven Life, he was talking about forgiving others, because just as God forgave us, we are supposed to forgive us, and it says something to the extent of if we are so selfish that we won't forgive others who have wronged us, why should God even listen to us? it reminded me of the parable of a guy who had a huge debt to a king. and the guy didn't have the money, but the king still forgave him. then, another guy owed the first guy a little debt, no where near what the first guy owed the king, but the first guy wouldn't forget about the debt that he was owed.
i need to forgive some people. because i'm no different, and i've hurt them and others just as i might have been hurt by them (but it shouldn't be about me...i could have hurt them more and am still so selfish as to not see). and all of this is in the past, and things change. it's wrong to hold a grudge, wrong to think they won't change when there's a living God who changes people, who moves mountains. wrong to say they don't deserve love. because they're just like you, just like me.
anyways, my dad. he's hurt me a lot, but i didn't help him. i made fun of him, and i didn't reach out a hand. i didn't try to help, either because it was inconvenience or simply ignorance. i will try to continue to love you, because you're more important than i give you credit for. and i want to see you excel. i want to see you live again. and love again.
and..aileen. i never really came out and said this in public, but we were dating and i loved it. she said it was her fault, but it's not. it's not your fault. don't be ashamed of what you did, and even if you hurt me, that's behind us. it's in the past and it couldn't matter at all. things change. anyways, well.. i'm doing what you asked of me. i'm becoming a man of God, a real son. it's great. i wasn't the best boyfriend either, and i don't deserve to be your ideal. you know as well as me that you gave me plenty of chances i didn't deserve and you chose to help me and spend time with me when you didn't have to. you did a lot for me. anyways, the mistakes are in the past. they won't dictate the future. you deserve something great. love never fails.
those were the two big ones. i know i've hurt a lot of people and been selfish in my relationships... i have hurt a lot of people. and that's not what they needed. they needed someone who could love and help them out and be genuine.
i don't usually run with this much adrenaline. not this much momentum. today is weird. i hope i don't burn out. God is good. i heard Him, i actually heard Him. i was sitting in my room playing guitar wondering about tonight, because i usually play guitar on Sunday night prayer meetings, but the idea popped into my head that, instead of playing guitar, we should just go on a prayer walk. i called up daniel and asked what we were going to do night and he said we would probably go on a prayer walk. just kinda unbelievable...
and i went to a korean church today, the whole thing was in korean. i couldn't understand the sermon, so i read the story of Samson in Judges. he killed a lot of people. one time, when he got mad, he went out and caught three thousand foxes. three thousand! and he tied their tails together, set them on fire, and burnt down like all of the grains of the Philistines, who were ruling over them. even though he was seduced and betrayed God, God still came through for him and let him kill about three thousand Philistines by pushing the temple over. collapsing it from the inside out. three thousand Philistines and three thousand foxes. that would be good television.
anyways, yeah. that was my day. God is great. it's all about Him.
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