i remember my youth pastor talking about one of his old college roommates, how everything he did was driven by a motive of intimacy with God. and the result of this very honest, very genuine commitment, was just some inexplicable, remarkable coolness about him. like anything he did - it was just unanimously cool. and it's these kinds of people who have sorta almost revolutionized the idea of cool, because there is just something about them that intrigues people so that they have to get down to the bottom of this coolness. and it's these kinds of people who will change the world.
i don't know. i know people like this. this one guy who was a counselor at this korean retreat i went to, he was just unanimously cool, everyone decided. he led a Bible study and he played a lot of really amazing saxophone solos and also the harmonica and he has his own band where he plays guitar and lead vocals, and it is partly because of him that i want to be able to play the saxophone in worship, because i think it gets people excited to worship (also, in Mexico, they witness with music. people get saved). these are people who will change the world. because God is at work through them, and God uses them to speak words into lives.
i was listening to music at a Christian bookstore today when i was thinking about people who i think will change the world. and that list is entirely composed of: Aaron Shust and Phil Wickham, primarily. and i say this, only because, you can see it. you can hear it in the songs and their lyrics, you can see it on their album art, it's just something about them that makes you wonder, something that seems to say God can be even closer. it's like, i don't know what they have, but i want some of that, and that is probably most of the reason why i think they can change the world, because our God is a consuming fire, because the Spirit is rather infectious. people like Rob Bell or Donald Miller or my youth pastor and his wife or, i don't know, my sister...you can tell. it's almost like an example of how much God can have of you...it's like racing, right? well, you see someone who has progressed far into the race. i don't think it's discouraging, i think it shows that you have something to look forward to achieving, and pushes you farther, faster.
i was driving my friend somewhere on Saturday when i realized, "this is a cool kid..." like the way he dresses, his style, the way he really comes alive in certain things and isn't ashamed of it, the way he is an older brother, the way he is on a mission trip, enthusiastic and childlike. i am proud to say he is my friend. later that Saturday, i went to a school function where two of my friends were playing worship, and you know what? they were really good. no doubt about it - they are both good players and good singers, and God was there in their hearts and songs, and i was proud that they were my friends. i was glad that they were cool, glad that they were people setting examples, people walking around with God in them, unanimously cool.
i want to become someone like this...someone people can see God in. someone God can speak through. (i have realized that God must actually want to use me in His plans, or else He really just wouldn't...) gotta go. i'll try to finish this thought later
Monday, February 26, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
real worship
something was different about this weekend and i was astounded to find that i wasn't the only person who felt that way as well. it was late yesterday night, a Saturday, about ten o'clock. i was heading back from the Crossing, a student-led event for the students in our high school that featured a brief talk about what it is to worship and then they played some songs. and you know what? i felt it.
i felt that worship should be real, like it is an opportunity to directly commit to God. and that, though this should have been so obvious, it was just a way to have God become real to you. the guys playing worship (really good, really really good) were playing songs and it just got me going, it was just like "this is what i need." i don't know. it's just that there was something there, in the praise and the worship.
i ended up billy's, late at night. 10 or so, and we went up to his room, not talking that much, and i asked if he was supposed to do anything that night. he said no. and so we played worship. or more accurately, we worshipped...and it felt more real than most of what had happened that week. it was like God had come down and sat down with us, that He was giving us grace to even screw up and then loving us even when we were pushing Him away, never losing hope, never losing focus when we lived in complete defiance of His word. and it was like, i really can't go back. i can't go back to everyday, worldly life. that would be my death, and i don't want to go back to that.
as time went on, i learned that i had said the very same thing so many times. what would be different about this time? i have no idea. i realize that God has to be in our worship. God has to be in our faith, God has to be everything about us, or else we will be falling away from Him. and it is God who gives our sacrifice worth, who justifies our identity. who has changed us into new people, new creations, even.
i realize that we have to be choosing, choosing in everything we do, in even the smallest of choices, to be moving closer to Him. every day, every opportunity, we need to be surrendering at even the smallest levels of life. and that in whatever i do, i want to be saying "here I am Lord, what would you have me do?" i want to be saying "you're my God," in everything i do, walking through the halls and talking to people and in all the small things like eating dinner and driving and sleeping and praying, i want nothing more than to see God, than for Him to have all of me.
there's this song, rather, this remarkable song that i have been singing for, give or take, 9 hours. it is called All We Want is You, and it pretty much talks about how all we want is God, and how we are living in this dry and weary land, but still, all we want is God. how we wasted so much of our lives looking for things that could satisfy, things that could bring us peace, but we never knew that it is God who is the only one who will satisfy, the only one who will save us from ourselves. the only one who can be our Savior, because of His character, because of the example He has set for us in His holiness and His love and His pursuit.
so i went home after that, realizing that God would have to fill my promises, my sacrifices, my faith with worth, or else they would be empty words and even empty praise. and i don't know, it's just something about the weekend. our youth group was leading worship the next morning at church, and i overslept, but that morning, i called my youth pastor mike asking him if we could play that song "all we want is You." he said it was creepy because that was already on the songlist for that day. what was even weirder is that, when i got to church late for practice, i learned that we only had three or four songs, but mike expected it to be a lot more than that, because there was something about worship that weekend...i don't know what it was. but i wasn't the only one feeling that there was something going on that somewhat demanded true worship.
the night before on saturday, i had felt something, like that we should just go to church and do real worship. we should play the songs and really just seek after God. and that is what we did...people came to worship the Lord. it was great, i could see it. i could see God moving around. it was beautiful. you could hear the voices, you could see hearts changing, you could see the Spirit penetrating, God getting what He wanted. it might just be me, but i really wait for the moment that people become vulnerable. not so that i can make them feel bad or make myself feel better, but because they have open hearts and their eyes can find a Savior.
we played. for most of the entire service, i don't even know how long. like an hour and a half maybe? i don't know. it was great...God was there. i do not doubt this. God was there this morning, sending waves of the Spirit, saving people from themselves, saving me from myself. i don't want to go back, i can't. God didn't die so i would frolic around with messed up values and a life that doesn't resonate with His glory. He died so i could come alive, that i could know His glory, because that's the only way He can get glory out of a human being. so that He could lift me up beyond my failures and flaws, not so that i could live in tolerance with my imperfection, and even relish in my pride.
i don't know. i realize that, i really hope, this is part of His plan, because all of this is happening a week before Acquire the Fire weekend, a huge event that God has met a lot of people. a lot of good speakers (Ron Luce) and some worship bands, and it has been my experience in the past that God becomes real, and commitments are made, and there really is a fire that you acquire (the Holy Spirit). so i would love to see our youth group lit on fire at this event, drunk in His glory and name, but it's not because of the event, i must remember. it's because God...
i felt that worship should be real, like it is an opportunity to directly commit to God. and that, though this should have been so obvious, it was just a way to have God become real to you. the guys playing worship (really good, really really good) were playing songs and it just got me going, it was just like "this is what i need." i don't know. it's just that there was something there, in the praise and the worship.
i ended up billy's, late at night. 10 or so, and we went up to his room, not talking that much, and i asked if he was supposed to do anything that night. he said no. and so we played worship. or more accurately, we worshipped...and it felt more real than most of what had happened that week. it was like God had come down and sat down with us, that He was giving us grace to even screw up and then loving us even when we were pushing Him away, never losing hope, never losing focus when we lived in complete defiance of His word. and it was like, i really can't go back. i can't go back to everyday, worldly life. that would be my death, and i don't want to go back to that.
as time went on, i learned that i had said the very same thing so many times. what would be different about this time? i have no idea. i realize that God has to be in our worship. God has to be in our faith, God has to be everything about us, or else we will be falling away from Him. and it is God who gives our sacrifice worth, who justifies our identity. who has changed us into new people, new creations, even.
i realize that we have to be choosing, choosing in everything we do, in even the smallest of choices, to be moving closer to Him. every day, every opportunity, we need to be surrendering at even the smallest levels of life. and that in whatever i do, i want to be saying "here I am Lord, what would you have me do?" i want to be saying "you're my God," in everything i do, walking through the halls and talking to people and in all the small things like eating dinner and driving and sleeping and praying, i want nothing more than to see God, than for Him to have all of me.
there's this song, rather, this remarkable song that i have been singing for, give or take, 9 hours. it is called All We Want is You, and it pretty much talks about how all we want is God, and how we are living in this dry and weary land, but still, all we want is God. how we wasted so much of our lives looking for things that could satisfy, things that could bring us peace, but we never knew that it is God who is the only one who will satisfy, the only one who will save us from ourselves. the only one who can be our Savior, because of His character, because of the example He has set for us in His holiness and His love and His pursuit.
so i went home after that, realizing that God would have to fill my promises, my sacrifices, my faith with worth, or else they would be empty words and even empty praise. and i don't know, it's just something about the weekend. our youth group was leading worship the next morning at church, and i overslept, but that morning, i called my youth pastor mike asking him if we could play that song "all we want is You." he said it was creepy because that was already on the songlist for that day. what was even weirder is that, when i got to church late for practice, i learned that we only had three or four songs, but mike expected it to be a lot more than that, because there was something about worship that weekend...i don't know what it was. but i wasn't the only one feeling that there was something going on that somewhat demanded true worship.
the night before on saturday, i had felt something, like that we should just go to church and do real worship. we should play the songs and really just seek after God. and that is what we did...people came to worship the Lord. it was great, i could see it. i could see God moving around. it was beautiful. you could hear the voices, you could see hearts changing, you could see the Spirit penetrating, God getting what He wanted. it might just be me, but i really wait for the moment that people become vulnerable. not so that i can make them feel bad or make myself feel better, but because they have open hearts and their eyes can find a Savior.
we played. for most of the entire service, i don't even know how long. like an hour and a half maybe? i don't know. it was great...God was there. i do not doubt this. God was there this morning, sending waves of the Spirit, saving people from themselves, saving me from myself. i don't want to go back, i can't. God didn't die so i would frolic around with messed up values and a life that doesn't resonate with His glory. He died so i could come alive, that i could know His glory, because that's the only way He can get glory out of a human being. so that He could lift me up beyond my failures and flaws, not so that i could live in tolerance with my imperfection, and even relish in my pride.
i don't know. i realize that, i really hope, this is part of His plan, because all of this is happening a week before Acquire the Fire weekend, a huge event that God has met a lot of people. a lot of good speakers (Ron Luce) and some worship bands, and it has been my experience in the past that God becomes real, and commitments are made, and there really is a fire that you acquire (the Holy Spirit). so i would love to see our youth group lit on fire at this event, drunk in His glory and name, but it's not because of the event, i must remember. it's because God...
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
track
track started this past week, and monday was kind of lame, but today was so much better. if you run fast/hard enough, you can make yourself sick, and i think i have done that. my legs felt like jelly as well. i can feel each sneeze in my lungs because of all the abs workouts we've been doing, and i expect to be very sore tomorrow.
i'm going to post something i wrote on my xanga yesterday night, but that was before a lot of things changed, and then i will talk about today:
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i wouldn't be writing this here, but i don't have enough energy to get up my blogger and put it there. right now sucks. it feels like i've fallen from grace, or something. i can't tell. in track, first day was yesterday, it was freaking annoying because i hit my max and usually, whenever you do that, you can make yourself keep going. it's like you can choose to keep going or to get faster or whatever. well, yesterday was not like that. i hit my max and i was done, and i couldn't do any more of it, couldn't even keep up. track kinda stinks cause i'm not running with long distance. also got an intra-squad meet the friday of ATF, by the way, satoshi's coming back.
i've felt like crying for the past two or three days. that'll probably sound odd to absolutely anybody who ever reads this, and condemn or shame me if you want, but i'm just being real. i don't know why. is it just circumstances? or does my heart cry out because things aren't what they're supposed to be? i could tell that was the case yesterday running the workout. i could see all the other people around me and the different things i thought about them and how this was shallow and wrong and that i shouldn't think that, and i didn't want to be the person that will take advantage of others and think himself better, but i didn't know what i could do. where was the solution?
botball is in somewhat horrible shape. we really need to get to work, and i am thinking things i shouldn't think, but there are so many things standing in the way, and maybe i am just making excuses, but i can't see things any other way.
i feel like crying. i'm tired and i can't get myself to go. i think i've fallen from grace. my legs are tired, pun intended
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and then things changed. before that, it felt like grace had been cut off completely, because i didn't even have enough energy or whatever to sin, and sinning is supposed to be easy. well, i couldn't sin and i couldn't really do homework, and i just lied there on the ground, but i couldn't go to sleep either, just lieing there feeling like crying and going to sleep, rolling around on my stomach because it feels kinda cool when your abs are sore.
things changed. like God came back or something, my prayers actually answered, though not the way i thought they would be answered. but anyway, i had a good day today, and when i came home at like 6 (the earliest of the school week) and my mom asked how my day was, i said "it was okay" instead of saying "it was long." but yeah, i could run the workout today. grace to do so much. i don't want to fall out of it. i would hate to go back there.
i'm going to post something i wrote on my xanga yesterday night, but that was before a lot of things changed, and then i will talk about today:
---
i wouldn't be writing this here, but i don't have enough energy to get up my blogger and put it there. right now sucks. it feels like i've fallen from grace, or something. i can't tell. in track, first day was yesterday, it was freaking annoying because i hit my max and usually, whenever you do that, you can make yourself keep going. it's like you can choose to keep going or to get faster or whatever. well, yesterday was not like that. i hit my max and i was done, and i couldn't do any more of it, couldn't even keep up. track kinda stinks cause i'm not running with long distance. also got an intra-squad meet the friday of ATF, by the way, satoshi's coming back.
i've felt like crying for the past two or three days. that'll probably sound odd to absolutely anybody who ever reads this, and condemn or shame me if you want, but i'm just being real. i don't know why. is it just circumstances? or does my heart cry out because things aren't what they're supposed to be? i could tell that was the case yesterday running the workout. i could see all the other people around me and the different things i thought about them and how this was shallow and wrong and that i shouldn't think that, and i didn't want to be the person that will take advantage of others and think himself better, but i didn't know what i could do. where was the solution?
botball is in somewhat horrible shape. we really need to get to work, and i am thinking things i shouldn't think, but there are so many things standing in the way, and maybe i am just making excuses, but i can't see things any other way.
i feel like crying. i'm tired and i can't get myself to go. i think i've fallen from grace. my legs are tired, pun intended
---
and then things changed. before that, it felt like grace had been cut off completely, because i didn't even have enough energy or whatever to sin, and sinning is supposed to be easy. well, i couldn't sin and i couldn't really do homework, and i just lied there on the ground, but i couldn't go to sleep either, just lieing there feeling like crying and going to sleep, rolling around on my stomach because it feels kinda cool when your abs are sore.
things changed. like God came back or something, my prayers actually answered, though not the way i thought they would be answered. but anyway, i had a good day today, and when i came home at like 6 (the earliest of the school week) and my mom asked how my day was, i said "it was okay" instead of saying "it was long." but yeah, i could run the workout today. grace to do so much. i don't want to fall out of it. i would hate to go back there.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Starve Hunger
DFC did 30 Hour Famine this weekend, and i am thankful that it worked out. it was a lot of fun, at least for the most part, and now it is weird to be eating again. our community service didn't work out though, so we ended up doing pretty much nothing this morning and waiting until 2 to eat. i dropped people off at their homes and we all fell asleep, then met back up at CiCi's to eat pizza.
what is amazing is how it worked out. we were supposed to lock-in in the middle school gym at school, which requires a faculty sponsor. what's cool is that the faculty sponsor we assumed we had couldn't make it, and to my dismay, i was ending up scheduling it at my house, though i didn't think my house was very fitting (nothing to do and small). the night before the fast started, in about a period of five minutes, it just so happened that a speaker was arranged to appear and speak and another house was added to the list before going to my house. the next morning, right after the fast had started, i was taking someone to school and mentioned that we were gonna go back to my house to watch a movie, when he said we could do it at his house, and that he had even asked his parents (though he couldn't have known about it).
so all of a sudden, it wasn't my house anymore. there was my friend's cool house where we played his N64 (mario kart) and had the speaker (someone i didn't know) and watched a movie. then there was my other friend's house where he had this own home theater kind of thing and we watched an episode of his dad on Jeopardy, the Longest Yard, and Indiana Jones whilst playing Risk. By then, it was about 1 and we went to the Burn. the Burn wasn't exactly what i had expected it to be, and i think i rely too heavily on events than on God to show up at the events. so went to my house and hung out, and to make a long story short, we went to sleep.
woke up and community service didn't work out. i think i screwed up talking to my friend, i think i will post about that at some later date. but anyway, 30 Hour Famine worked out in a way i couldn't have imagined. it was fun and i think it was meaningful, and it was a lot more than i had planned, and it hardly followed my plan.
one part of fasting is that it opens your eyes to those in poverty and makes it possible for you to relate to them, to understand what they might have to go through (though we still have it so much better, taking showers and having homes). it makes you love more - it lets you really begin to love those who have a problem of poverty. now, translate that to the rich, preppy school that is Holland Hall, which is where i spend a large majority of my time. and wherever i go, that is supposed to be my missions field - and so even though the people i'm around don't have a problem of poverty, they still have problems, they can still be going through their own famines.
if you really know how to look, you will look anywhere and be able to see brokenness in people. i heard you couldn't really see the hunger or the poverty in the homeless until you were there as well. so i think we have to humble ourselves and love others and make it so that we can see what people go through, so that we embrace their life stories. we will see what they have to go through, their problems at home, with friends, with school, with success, with whatever. i pray to meet people like that, people looking for someone to save them.
overall, we had a strong turnout, all to God's glory. everything fell together, it was great. and even if people couldn't make it, they still tried to do the whole thing - the whole fast. so many people i didn't even expect to do it actually ended up doing it. shows how much i know. praise the Lord. run the race.
what is amazing is how it worked out. we were supposed to lock-in in the middle school gym at school, which requires a faculty sponsor. what's cool is that the faculty sponsor we assumed we had couldn't make it, and to my dismay, i was ending up scheduling it at my house, though i didn't think my house was very fitting (nothing to do and small). the night before the fast started, in about a period of five minutes, it just so happened that a speaker was arranged to appear and speak and another house was added to the list before going to my house. the next morning, right after the fast had started, i was taking someone to school and mentioned that we were gonna go back to my house to watch a movie, when he said we could do it at his house, and that he had even asked his parents (though he couldn't have known about it).
so all of a sudden, it wasn't my house anymore. there was my friend's cool house where we played his N64 (mario kart) and had the speaker (someone i didn't know) and watched a movie. then there was my other friend's house where he had this own home theater kind of thing and we watched an episode of his dad on Jeopardy, the Longest Yard, and Indiana Jones whilst playing Risk. By then, it was about 1 and we went to the Burn. the Burn wasn't exactly what i had expected it to be, and i think i rely too heavily on events than on God to show up at the events. so went to my house and hung out, and to make a long story short, we went to sleep.
woke up and community service didn't work out. i think i screwed up talking to my friend, i think i will post about that at some later date. but anyway, 30 Hour Famine worked out in a way i couldn't have imagined. it was fun and i think it was meaningful, and it was a lot more than i had planned, and it hardly followed my plan.
one part of fasting is that it opens your eyes to those in poverty and makes it possible for you to relate to them, to understand what they might have to go through (though we still have it so much better, taking showers and having homes). it makes you love more - it lets you really begin to love those who have a problem of poverty. now, translate that to the rich, preppy school that is Holland Hall, which is where i spend a large majority of my time. and wherever i go, that is supposed to be my missions field - and so even though the people i'm around don't have a problem of poverty, they still have problems, they can still be going through their own famines.
if you really know how to look, you will look anywhere and be able to see brokenness in people. i heard you couldn't really see the hunger or the poverty in the homeless until you were there as well. so i think we have to humble ourselves and love others and make it so that we can see what people go through, so that we embrace their life stories. we will see what they have to go through, their problems at home, with friends, with school, with success, with whatever. i pray to meet people like that, people looking for someone to save them.
overall, we had a strong turnout, all to God's glory. everything fell together, it was great. and even if people couldn't make it, they still tried to do the whole thing - the whole fast. so many people i didn't even expect to do it actually ended up doing it. shows how much i know. praise the Lord. run the race.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
i'm just fine with the grass on heaven's side...and yes, it is greener.
i remember a couple of weeks ago, when God revived me, not knowing how i should approach ministry. how i should talk to people, or more accurately, how people should get saved. my dilemma was that i usually didn't assert myself and talk to people about God and after watching that video, i was sorta thinking, i gotta talk to people about God and it's okay if i piss them off (though doing so wouldn't be simply to piss them off). now...after a notable Sunday of Dr. Cary from Mexico speaking, something new occurs.
follow God. talk to God. commit. work on whatever He has planned for you, and don't hesitate or be scared away when the enemy begins to attack, which is a guarantee as long as you are doing something for the Kingdom. just keep praying, asking God to take care of the attacks, and keep working, keep building, keep fulfilling what God has called you to do.
Dr. Cary was talking about Nehemiah, how he was just an ordinary, commonplace kind of guy (a servant, really) who decided that something needed to happen, and did it. but to say he had any idea about how it was to happen would be wrong. he had the mission on his heart (or at least he did after four months of prayer and fasting), but the plan was beyond his. it was entirely God's. but that didn't stop him - not knowing the specifics. he just did what God called of him, committing and persevering, after attacks came. he was building, amidst a bunch of chaos going around him, and Dr. Cary imaged Nehemiah saying "protect me God. i'm building for You, doing Your work, take care of me," and you know that God blesses those who follow. the whole time - Nehemiah was praying, building (in that order).
at the altar call, i realized something about lust. it's a wall. i'm building a wall against lust. but the whole idea is: i have no idea how. but i know that this is a wall i'm supposed to build. and when Satan throws things in my path, i need to persevere and stay committed and let God take care of the attack and just keep on working. no compromise. focus.
and then i think about ministry. how to do ministry...and then, i think it's not "well, i think i'm gonna go do ministry." i think it's more like "i'm going to be committed to God." and after that, it's not like "let's go do ministry." it's more of "i'm going to stay committed to God." and you stay committed and you stay with God instead of wondering off, and God does whatever He plans. and it's absurd to think you should be doing anything else, like be (at least primarily) spending all of your time learning ministry tactics and technics and whatever. you should be spending your time with God - that's the only way you'll ever be able to minister or touch another life.
at the altar call, we laid down our compromises. where we were not fully committed or devoted to God. all of our idols and the things in the way. now we're just building walls. [i was pretty excited that one of the new girls to our youth group went up there]
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my sister came back. my youth pastor was ordained as the English pastor, and Dr. Cary came back from Mexico to do it, so it was a pretty amazing weekend. and i don't have school tomorrow. last Friday, i went to OU and ran a 5:16 mile, which is pretty remarkable since the training was around a minimum. and it turns out that we're going to Michigan for the mission trip this summer. man, i have vivid memories of last year. i look forward. DFC is also doing 30 hour famine this weekend to raise money for food for the impoverished in 3rd world countries. if you wanna help out some way, please contact me.
speaking of OU...that's where i'm going. i got flat-out rejected from Rice. not even a wait list. looks like i'm going to OU, and though i'm not entirely all that excited, i think it sorta makes sense, though i really don't want to make a theology out of it. it would have been so easy to go to Rice. if i was talking to my youth pastor, i might ask "is this the difference between being blessed and being chosen?" i guess OU would be tougher. a lot of people, i hear the party scene is happening. will things be different? will God have His way? will i develop, or fall into the background? i hope it is not that. [i hope i get the right friends, i don't want want to be dealing with drinking and stuff of the sort.] what will become of me? i have no idea. that's why it is imperative i follow God's plan.
everyone from my youth group is going to OU, everyone that graduates this year, anyway. Daniel will be there two more years, and so will Cynthia and Aileen. i don't know what to think. i hope i don't make the same mistakes i have made in the past, that God be lifted high. i hope i dream tonight.
what to think? God be lifted high.
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happy birthday, Stephen. he got into Rice and he is one of the most talented people i know. plays violin in the youth symphony, a great tennis player, a very caring and funny friend whom i sit by in statistics, physics, and calculus. he can do a Rubik's cube in under five minutes, i would say, but he's only had it for about a week, when he bought it the same day he won the Academic Bowl state championship with the team.
follow God. talk to God. commit. work on whatever He has planned for you, and don't hesitate or be scared away when the enemy begins to attack, which is a guarantee as long as you are doing something for the Kingdom. just keep praying, asking God to take care of the attacks, and keep working, keep building, keep fulfilling what God has called you to do.
Dr. Cary was talking about Nehemiah, how he was just an ordinary, commonplace kind of guy (a servant, really) who decided that something needed to happen, and did it. but to say he had any idea about how it was to happen would be wrong. he had the mission on his heart (or at least he did after four months of prayer and fasting), but the plan was beyond his. it was entirely God's. but that didn't stop him - not knowing the specifics. he just did what God called of him, committing and persevering, after attacks came. he was building, amidst a bunch of chaos going around him, and Dr. Cary imaged Nehemiah saying "protect me God. i'm building for You, doing Your work, take care of me," and you know that God blesses those who follow. the whole time - Nehemiah was praying, building (in that order).
at the altar call, i realized something about lust. it's a wall. i'm building a wall against lust. but the whole idea is: i have no idea how. but i know that this is a wall i'm supposed to build. and when Satan throws things in my path, i need to persevere and stay committed and let God take care of the attack and just keep on working. no compromise. focus.
and then i think about ministry. how to do ministry...and then, i think it's not "well, i think i'm gonna go do ministry." i think it's more like "i'm going to be committed to God." and after that, it's not like "let's go do ministry." it's more of "i'm going to stay committed to God." and you stay committed and you stay with God instead of wondering off, and God does whatever He plans. and it's absurd to think you should be doing anything else, like be (at least primarily) spending all of your time learning ministry tactics and technics and whatever. you should be spending your time with God - that's the only way you'll ever be able to minister or touch another life.
at the altar call, we laid down our compromises. where we were not fully committed or devoted to God. all of our idols and the things in the way. now we're just building walls. [i was pretty excited that one of the new girls to our youth group went up there]
---
my sister came back. my youth pastor was ordained as the English pastor, and Dr. Cary came back from Mexico to do it, so it was a pretty amazing weekend. and i don't have school tomorrow. last Friday, i went to OU and ran a 5:16 mile, which is pretty remarkable since the training was around a minimum. and it turns out that we're going to Michigan for the mission trip this summer. man, i have vivid memories of last year. i look forward. DFC is also doing 30 hour famine this weekend to raise money for food for the impoverished in 3rd world countries. if you wanna help out some way, please contact me.
speaking of OU...that's where i'm going. i got flat-out rejected from Rice. not even a wait list. looks like i'm going to OU, and though i'm not entirely all that excited, i think it sorta makes sense, though i really don't want to make a theology out of it. it would have been so easy to go to Rice. if i was talking to my youth pastor, i might ask "is this the difference between being blessed and being chosen?" i guess OU would be tougher. a lot of people, i hear the party scene is happening. will things be different? will God have His way? will i develop, or fall into the background? i hope it is not that. [i hope i get the right friends, i don't want want to be dealing with drinking and stuff of the sort.] what will become of me? i have no idea. that's why it is imperative i follow God's plan.
everyone from my youth group is going to OU, everyone that graduates this year, anyway. Daniel will be there two more years, and so will Cynthia and Aileen. i don't know what to think. i hope i don't make the same mistakes i have made in the past, that God be lifted high. i hope i dream tonight.
what to think? God be lifted high.
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happy birthday, Stephen. he got into Rice and he is one of the most talented people i know. plays violin in the youth symphony, a great tennis player, a very caring and funny friend whom i sit by in statistics, physics, and calculus. he can do a Rubik's cube in under five minutes, i would say, but he's only had it for about a week, when he bought it the same day he won the Academic Bowl state championship with the team.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
have i lost myself?
for some reason, i felt like crying today, without very much emotional hype, whenever i heard some slow music today.
sorry, holding back any real thoughts today - just an excerpt from my journal in New Mexico for our missions trip last year:
"I don't know what will be different in returning home. It will probably be a lot easier to lose focus, a lot easier to fall through the cracks of Christian standard, whatever that is. It might be harder to be who I want to be, or at least where I want to be, being at home with all sorts of responsibilities, distractions, and being in my comfort zone. I might have a harder time listening, a harder time functioning on lesser sleep, a harder time knowing all of this is real. Maybe that's why it's so important to acknowledge that we are always on the missions field, and God doesn't change, so He could be just as real today as He is in a month or the day after that. Leaving this place doesn't mean sinking back into pride, comfort, instant gratification - it doesn't mean playing the game of school and money and body - nothing has to ever change. Nothing ever has to change."
PS. i e-mailed the coordinator and apparently, there's a possibility that i will get to volunteer at the Thrive Music Festival, featuring artists like Tobymac, Newsboys, and Kutless. and Matthew West, who is really good.
sorry, holding back any real thoughts today - just an excerpt from my journal in New Mexico for our missions trip last year:
"I don't know what will be different in returning home. It will probably be a lot easier to lose focus, a lot easier to fall through the cracks of Christian standard, whatever that is. It might be harder to be who I want to be, or at least where I want to be, being at home with all sorts of responsibilities, distractions, and being in my comfort zone. I might have a harder time listening, a harder time functioning on lesser sleep, a harder time knowing all of this is real. Maybe that's why it's so important to acknowledge that we are always on the missions field, and God doesn't change, so He could be just as real today as He is in a month or the day after that. Leaving this place doesn't mean sinking back into pride, comfort, instant gratification - it doesn't mean playing the game of school and money and body - nothing has to ever change. Nothing ever has to change."
PS. i e-mailed the coordinator and apparently, there's a possibility that i will get to volunteer at the Thrive Music Festival, featuring artists like Tobymac, Newsboys, and Kutless. and Matthew West, who is really good.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
check this link/more momentum
check this link: http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=MarkDaDrumma it's actually the YouTube profile of the drummer for Sanctus Real, with some good quality videos on it, notably I'm not Alright and Don't Give Up. Don't Give Up is cool because it is something i can relate to, hopefully pointing fingers at myself more than myself.
---
i don't want to sound like some kind of spiritual nut, but, the more and more i am around things like church where God is clearly being exalted, it seems to get more and more clear that God is the reason why we live, and to bring God glory in anything we do is not only honor, but privilege. Bethany Dillon wrote a song about wanting to be beautiful, and i think i am beginning to understand what she means. to be beautiful for God's sake, and not your own, to be able to bring something and lay it down right at God's feet, for that something to somehow require you, such that it doesn't have to be anything to anyone, but you know that God is being glorified in His beauty that somehow ends up in you.
so that you know that they're onto something whenever Lisa plays piano for offertory or jeff plays his violin or i watch the girl from Billy's chinese school class draw peoples' faces during church or to hear mike sing or to see someone talk to someone else or to see someone inching closer to God, to feel the excitement rising in their eyes, in their hearts and conversations and relationships. to see something that is so clearly from God that it wouldn't work otherwise. to see someone come alive doing whatever God has put on their heart and made them to enjoy - for me, it is running and music and being with people. to lay down a sacrifice - not just to give God insufficiencies and flaws, but to give Him what is His - what is beautiful, what is in His image, what is glorious.
right before two weeks ago, it was the Burn, a 40-hour praise session, essentially. and i went with billy on a saturday and we saw what it was like to be who we were called to be. what it was like to be in worship, to stop caring about the world, to stop even feeling the threat of the things of the world - just to know, i can be myself here. we felt that, and we saw it, and we vowed not to leave that place. not to forget to maintain this environment, even when we were going through conversations with our friends, even when we weren't directly doing anything any different from how we usually do things, we said we would find a place of worship in these things, and we said we would never leave.
things are amazing. they're blessed. God's got so much grace going on right here in Tulsa on me that i can't doubt that this is amazing, and that it's Him. i've tried so hard before, and fallen just as hard, to begin to see that this momentum - these past few weeks with hopefully more to come - were not the product of my own efforts, not the product of anything inside of me. at the Burn, someone wrote that "true consecration is being taken out of yourself" and i think what has happened to me serves to illustrate this point. God has changed me. God has made me more like Him, and He has not left me stranded with just a little satisfaction. He has gone all out, and He continues to light the fire in me and continues to set my heart on Him. He has made things so easy, and for that, I am so grateful and so undeserving.
it wasn't me. i don't know what else to say. God be lifted high.
--
my thoughts. 30 hour famine is gonna be in two weekends, and the timing is amazing. we just got off from talking about impoverished children in chapel, so everybody's heart's have been sorta conditioned and the timing is simply something i could not have asked for to be better. on another note, i like playing worship. i hope that it turns into something more, but i think i will wait. OU indoor track meet coming up this friday, right about the time everyone is coming back (count them, ruth, dr. cary, lydia). and i am thinking of the possibility of building a prayer house in tanzania.
---
i don't want to sound like some kind of spiritual nut, but, the more and more i am around things like church where God is clearly being exalted, it seems to get more and more clear that God is the reason why we live, and to bring God glory in anything we do is not only honor, but privilege. Bethany Dillon wrote a song about wanting to be beautiful, and i think i am beginning to understand what she means. to be beautiful for God's sake, and not your own, to be able to bring something and lay it down right at God's feet, for that something to somehow require you, such that it doesn't have to be anything to anyone, but you know that God is being glorified in His beauty that somehow ends up in you.
so that you know that they're onto something whenever Lisa plays piano for offertory or jeff plays his violin or i watch the girl from Billy's chinese school class draw peoples' faces during church or to hear mike sing or to see someone talk to someone else or to see someone inching closer to God, to feel the excitement rising in their eyes, in their hearts and conversations and relationships. to see something that is so clearly from God that it wouldn't work otherwise. to see someone come alive doing whatever God has put on their heart and made them to enjoy - for me, it is running and music and being with people. to lay down a sacrifice - not just to give God insufficiencies and flaws, but to give Him what is His - what is beautiful, what is in His image, what is glorious.
right before two weeks ago, it was the Burn, a 40-hour praise session, essentially. and i went with billy on a saturday and we saw what it was like to be who we were called to be. what it was like to be in worship, to stop caring about the world, to stop even feeling the threat of the things of the world - just to know, i can be myself here. we felt that, and we saw it, and we vowed not to leave that place. not to forget to maintain this environment, even when we were going through conversations with our friends, even when we weren't directly doing anything any different from how we usually do things, we said we would find a place of worship in these things, and we said we would never leave.
things are amazing. they're blessed. God's got so much grace going on right here in Tulsa on me that i can't doubt that this is amazing, and that it's Him. i've tried so hard before, and fallen just as hard, to begin to see that this momentum - these past few weeks with hopefully more to come - were not the product of my own efforts, not the product of anything inside of me. at the Burn, someone wrote that "true consecration is being taken out of yourself" and i think what has happened to me serves to illustrate this point. God has changed me. God has made me more like Him, and He has not left me stranded with just a little satisfaction. He has gone all out, and He continues to light the fire in me and continues to set my heart on Him. He has made things so easy, and for that, I am so grateful and so undeserving.
it wasn't me. i don't know what else to say. God be lifted high.
--
my thoughts. 30 hour famine is gonna be in two weekends, and the timing is amazing. we just got off from talking about impoverished children in chapel, so everybody's heart's have been sorta conditioned and the timing is simply something i could not have asked for to be better. on another note, i like playing worship. i hope that it turns into something more, but i think i will wait. OU indoor track meet coming up this friday, right about the time everyone is coming back (count them, ruth, dr. cary, lydia). and i am thinking of the possibility of building a prayer house in tanzania.
Friday, February 02, 2007
the question isn't were you challenged
in high school, two weeks is an eternity.
and in my last two weeks, i have lost more sleep than you could ever imagine and seen God sweep through my life and make my day worth something. i guess i truly am blessed. we have conversations about being on auto-pilot, and i am blessed to be able to say that i haven't been having that problem that much. God has made things easy. God threw out lust and He cleaned me up for relationships and laid down a path. in Hallway and DFC and Thirty Hour Famine and Botball and He's made me a leader. and He gave me guidance today on how to use it, speaking through mike:
mike talked about how Moses was God's servant and, when the Israelites were delivered out of slavery, they wandered for some 40 years looking for the Promised Land and some left, but most people didn't. most people kept on following Moses because they could tell that Moses was with God - they could tell that there was a real relationship going on there, and they must have felt somehow that Moses was in the right, doing whatever it is he was doing.
he talked about how, when you are truly being who you have been called to be, Christ is exalted, and Christ enters into the atmosphere and changes things. mike talked about how our attitude should just be very real, and that it should be who we really are in Christ - not what it should look like and we don't exactly have to be doing anything, what is more important is who we are. and simply by being who we are, God gets the glory, and God changes people when He enters into environments. simply by really having an attitude of "Jesus loves you and deserves you because He died for you and He is worthy," that it is not even so much what you do, but who you are that sometimes makes the bigger difference.
i was in the wrong thinking about the youth group as a whole. i was kinda mad because it's been so hard to get any kind of focus, and we can't even stop long enough to listen to each other. and i was mad because i thought if God just showed up, and swept right through that house, people would miss it. and i justified it because i wasn't thinking about myself, i was worrying about people. and that is wrong, because it's not about people, it's about God. so i was mad at people and wanted to change them. this is a paraphrase of what i wrote after listening to mike talk:
"Don't worry about other people. Think about yourself and let God shine through you. When you are right with God, He will show Himself, and He will change atmospheres. He will get what He wants - so don't worry about them missing it. THink about yourself and make sure God gets you, and that God can use you to get others."
---
led DFC this morning, talking about the Revival Hymn video. went through a long day (yes! the days are finally long again. not that my exhaustion is any justification. it's just nice to feel sometimes, though dangerous) and got back home. Friday night Bible study and now some sleep. that will be great. God be lifted high.
and in my last two weeks, i have lost more sleep than you could ever imagine and seen God sweep through my life and make my day worth something. i guess i truly am blessed. we have conversations about being on auto-pilot, and i am blessed to be able to say that i haven't been having that problem that much. God has made things easy. God threw out lust and He cleaned me up for relationships and laid down a path. in Hallway and DFC and Thirty Hour Famine and Botball and He's made me a leader. and He gave me guidance today on how to use it, speaking through mike:
mike talked about how Moses was God's servant and, when the Israelites were delivered out of slavery, they wandered for some 40 years looking for the Promised Land and some left, but most people didn't. most people kept on following Moses because they could tell that Moses was with God - they could tell that there was a real relationship going on there, and they must have felt somehow that Moses was in the right, doing whatever it is he was doing.
he talked about how, when you are truly being who you have been called to be, Christ is exalted, and Christ enters into the atmosphere and changes things. mike talked about how our attitude should just be very real, and that it should be who we really are in Christ - not what it should look like and we don't exactly have to be doing anything, what is more important is who we are. and simply by being who we are, God gets the glory, and God changes people when He enters into environments. simply by really having an attitude of "Jesus loves you and deserves you because He died for you and He is worthy," that it is not even so much what you do, but who you are that sometimes makes the bigger difference.
i was in the wrong thinking about the youth group as a whole. i was kinda mad because it's been so hard to get any kind of focus, and we can't even stop long enough to listen to each other. and i was mad because i thought if God just showed up, and swept right through that house, people would miss it. and i justified it because i wasn't thinking about myself, i was worrying about people. and that is wrong, because it's not about people, it's about God. so i was mad at people and wanted to change them. this is a paraphrase of what i wrote after listening to mike talk:
"Don't worry about other people. Think about yourself and let God shine through you. When you are right with God, He will show Himself, and He will change atmospheres. He will get what He wants - so don't worry about them missing it. THink about yourself and make sure God gets you, and that God can use you to get others."
---
led DFC this morning, talking about the Revival Hymn video. went through a long day (yes! the days are finally long again. not that my exhaustion is any justification. it's just nice to feel sometimes, though dangerous) and got back home. Friday night Bible study and now some sleep. that will be great. God be lifted high.
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