2009 - the year in review

a moment of nostalgia.. i received an email a week or two ago from a friend who pretty much did a year in review with pictures for his family. it was a great idea, and it reminded me how little i actually remembered the year. so here's my try:

January
the year started as most of my family was staying over for Ruth's wedding. i remember jojo and i were playing worship at a youth group lock-in when the new year hit and we later played Sardines. Ruth's wedding was on the 3rd, and it was a lot of fun to see everyone all in one place. the preparation and the day itself went by pretty fast and stressful on everyone... i was just driving around a lot and then was supposed to be in charge of a slideshow during the reception. then we were taking everything down from the church.

the next week, i was up in Norman/OKC with phong for daniel's wedding, which also involved a lot of driving, especially as the reception was in an art gallery about 20 or 30 minutes away in downtown OKC from the wedding hall. i really enjoyed the wedding, and served a minor role ushering. the rehearsal dinner was pretty memorable, as many were invited to give regards to daniel and amyie... it really turned into talking about God had spoken through them into the lives of others. it really was something special... i later did the sound for the reception

that next week, i was actually off to San Francisco for the EPIC West Coast conference. i was so stoked to be re-uniting with all of my friends from project that i had much trouble sleeping, even on the plane. there was even so much excitement that i couldn't remember which hotel the conference was at, and i ended up taking a shuttle to the wrong hotel. when we got there, i wish i could have had more energy. there were all of the friends i had lived with for a month, worship, speakers, outreach, and a 24-hour prayer room... i certainly didn't do everything i wish i could have. it was mostly surreal... i still remember going out to dinner with everyone, amazed and stunned i was with my friends from Texas and Hawaii and Indiana and New York again.

i came back to OU a day after classes started... i was taking Human Computer Interaction, Operating Systems, Principles of Programming Languages, the RA Training class, and Engineering Practice. it was the worst academic semester of my life

February
in february, the Asian American ministry we were trying to start at OU shifted from small groups into larger groups. the day i got back from San Francisco, we had our very first EPIC of the year, and i talked from Galatians 5 about how a Christian doesn't have to be good enough and how we are to be ourselves when we go to God, without putting on any kind of facades or masks. EPIC also took a trip to Dallas for the first ever Anthology (EPIC Central Coast) Conference. we took 6 people in one car and i think people actually really enjoyed it. i remember i had felt pretty burnt out at the time - and a bit of just thinking about things begins to burn me out. i wanted so desperately for people to be there and for people to be changed, maybe even too much. i saw tommy and hsiang-en from project and met a bunch of the Texas staff and it was immensely encouraging.

february was also the time that i started going out with suzi (it was the 18th, right after valentine's). i guess i was sending her a bunch of mixed signals and wasn't the best at initiating things, being worried that i would treat her like a god and that i wasn't ready to be in a relationship, though i knew how much i liked her. after going to Paradigm one thursday night (BSU large group) in which they talked about relationships, i felt like i had made my desires known to God and i felt as if He was allowing me to take the relationship and honor and glorify Him by it. and even then, it was so vague... i didn't exactly formally ask, and she didn't exactly formally say yes. but we were together.

March
the main thing i remember from March was spring break, which was spent in Mexico City around the same areas that we had been in during my first missions trip with TCCC. i went with a bunch of people from CRU and roomed with a guitarist named James Metelak, who is now one of my great friends. i have a great story about God providing for my funds, because, with pretty much a week to go before the trip, i was freaking out and had no money. i really didn't like the idea of asking people for money. i sent out emails though, and God really provided - in that week, God even provided more than enough. it was genuinely humbling and amazing.

we went to different college campuses, hoping to find people to help with the CRU movements trying to start on their campuses (this was about the same stage that EPIC at OU was at... we needed to stimulate interest, so it was cool being able to help others out in this area). my Spanish improved a lot, and we had some great stories. i sat with a girl from Arizona once at a lunch table with two guys and we eventually had a table of probably about 7 or 8 people all sitting and talking with us by the end. and we played basketball at the largest college campus in the hemisphere (UNAM - 300,000 students!) and were amazed at the relationships we were able to form throughout our games. it was definitely a great memory, and i recall a night where we took stairs to the top of the hotel and sang worship underneath the stars in a cold breeze. but i think the biggest thing was that i was not plugged into the Word during my time there, and that's one thing that i would change if i could do it over again

April
in the beginning of April, Jonathan came from UT to watch our CRU staff operate and help our EPIC continue to get going. he led one of our large group nights and talked to a whole bunch of students, both Christians and nonChristians in a challenging way. it was exciting as it seemed that God was truly working in the lives of those around us. still, admittedly... i felt like i was missing it. i felt like i should have been so excited, so driven in this time... but i wasn't when it was happening.

weeks later, we sent an EPIC group to the Big Event, which is OU's giant community service day where everyone goes out and does something small. we ended up going to a hospital in OKC to paint - and we did it with all of our friends. i only mention it here because it was tremendous fun, and we left that day covered with white paint (ricky in particular had some impressive facial hair and andrew had some sweet white tips).

May
Suzi threw me a surprise birthday party... i really didn't see any of it coming, but she made a Jello cake and her mom's famous cookies. a bunch of our friends were there and we watched a Steve Carrell spy movie.

finals went on as well, and i remember staying up late at Peter's to study for Human Computer Interaction. it really was a tough semester...

June
being back in Tulsa, we started a couple of Bible studies. we had one for our EPIC leadership because we hoped to continue going strong to hit the new school year off with a bang. we let everyone take turns leading, and people were encouraged to bring people from their youth groups, as we met at different locations before settling at Asbury's Venue 68. it was all right, but there were certain times when i was left asking why we were still doing this Bible study and what exactly we were trying to get out of it.

the other Bible study was one for the TCCC guys, which was actually pretty amazing. we pretty much just chose a night and people started prioritizing - it was pretty amazing. one night, i shared my testimony about how we tend to put on different masks or identities, and it was amazing how others really opened up to sharing their own lives. i guess that was a theme as so many of the guys gave their testimonies as well, and i felt pretty blessed to be able to have the Bible study - felt like the guys really even wanted to be there. Jojo led a bunch too, and we had some great heart-to-heart fellowship. hoping to do something again this winter break or next summer with 1 timothy.

July
was taking American History (civil war to present) and Psychology at TCC - but since i enrolled late, i was heading to a campus about 20 to 30 minutes away. first couple of trips, i used the time to pray, and it was actually pretty cool. 6 hours of school each day was rough, though. the classes weren't bad though, and i was glad to be doing something more productive/constructive with my time rather than just sitting around all day.

also, suzi had started a Bible study for her youth group girls, and they did a study over relationships in which they invited the guys to attend a couple of meetings and suzi invited me to co-lead. it was a ton of fun and i literally learned a bunch. even now, i look back at the notes we compiled over relationships and am amazed with what we came up with.

August
i did something really stupid in August and spent the best of a week or two desperately praying and pleading before heading back to OU.

moved back up to Norman for RA training, which was a position that God truly provided for. [i had said earlier in the summer that if i got the RA job, i would know it was God providing for me. more so, i got Safewalk RA, which has very different responsibilities from a floor RA] things at first were quite frightening, and i spent much of the first few days feeling so alienated and lost. training week was draining as we spent hours each day in classrooms going through lectures. we went through a mock sorrority rush and things were fine by the last day, when we played a big game of Capture the Flag with all of the other staffs. now, i'm glad at how close and comfortable i've been able to get with the rest of the RAs and i can say that i truly love and enjoy the staff that we have here

classes started (and just ended); i was taking Algorithm Analysis, Software Engineering I, Introduction to Asian Civilization and Culture, Technical Writing, Theory of Computation, and Statistical Analysis. i actually liked my classes more than i ever have before, and my teachers as well, but my grades might not have shown that. i slacked during certain parts of the semester. i also was offered a job as web developer for OU Student Media... but i really only stuck with it for a month or so before the load got to be too much

September
our youth group went to the Labor Day Retreat in Windermere, Missouri, and it was great, as always. i had the opportunity to play for the worship band again with chris and mike and lisa and jojo and richard, so it was great fun just to be there. i had the privilege of being a cabin leader of all of these guys who i actually absolutely love, who i had met from past Labor Day retreats. we would stay up too late and talk about real life things and the level of transparency in the room was simply astounding. it was all a whole bunch of fun.

additionally, had a great talk with Jojo one late night in an empty parking lot, and the very last night of worship was simply amazing, and getting to pray over people. if i could do it over again, i wouldn't have paid so much attention to the way things felt. i believe things get messed up with the ecstacy and the real change that should happen doesn't always come, when it certainly could.

this year, i was also a DLC mentor for incoming freshmen who had declared engineering majors, so i had a group of freshmen and had to plan activities for them. it was, at first, a little weird, but we actually formed some pretty cool relationships through the semester, though we didn't do that much. we talked about community service a lot towards the ending, and i really need to launch a website of their ideas like i told them i would develop.

also in september, i had my first interview with research and development for National Instruments, a pretty prestigious software company in Austin, TX. i bombed it. also at the big engineering career fair, i talked to a web development company in OKC and later interviewed with them. it was pretty good, and i hope to intern with them this summer and possibly further down the road.

October
not that much happened in october, but i had another interview with National Instruments, this time for a leadership program. i recently found out that i didn't get it. it's kind of a bummer.

the only other big thing that happened was OU's homecoming, in which i was privileged to take part in a dance competition with the Japanese/Hong Kong student associations. we practiced a bunch the week before and got a routine down. walked into the field house at OU for the very first time to music blaring and students cheering from two levels of bleachers, surrounding the stage. it was one of those moments where i realized that it wasn't that big of a deal if i messed up - i just wanted to remember the night and enjoy it. i can still look back at the video and note the many places where i messed up, but i remember the thrill and excitement of being on that stage.

we also won.

November
went to Ada (ECU) one weekend for a big programming competition, knowing that if we were to win the region, we would have an automatic bid to internationals in China. UT Austin ended up running away with it, and i think we were still in the top 10, but it was a very humbling experience being on the team with 2 other great programmers. i would watch them work and it would take me long moments before i could even figure out what they had done - even though they had spit out the code almost entirely on the spot.

i realized that i would probably never code as well in my whole life as our top programmer did that day, or really any day. it only reinforced that i could never make programming my life, because i would never even be near the top. if that was to be my everything, it would be a sad existence. i'm probably not going to be the one pushing the edges of technology, making groundbreaking discoveries or innovations or anything.

that night, i roomed and talked with a guy who had been on a high school robotics team that won a national competition. we talked about religion at length, bouncing our beliefs off one another, and he told me that he realized that it wasn't because he was any smarter than anybody else. he said he was just a lucky kid in the right place at the right time. that's something i will never forget.

got the chance to go back to Tulsa for Thanksgiving break - Sherri's Thanksgiving party was a blast, as always. we packed her house with a whole bunch of people and played massive games of Catchphrase and Mafia. it was a ton of fun, one of those nights that you hope will never end. and Lydia got Mafia twice and tricked me. it was terrible..

November also signified the end of EPIC. not a lot of people know about this, but i'll share it here. we had four leaders and all of us were pretty much walking in sin. for the most part, we either knew what we were doing was wrong or our understandings were not based on Biblical truths - either way, we weren't actively confronting our sin. rightly so, our ministry sucked. turns out we developed a reputation for being hypocrites (along with general judgment passed along to Christians) and it seemed that we were hurting the name of Christ more than representing it well as was the whole goal (bringing glory to His name). so we pretty much shut it down.

it was a particularly tough weekend and i kinda just felt like quitting. not sure if we're going to try again in the future, but chances are we probably will. or we will keep doing ministry, we just won't call it EPIC. but let us confront our sin head on and allow God to reign sovereign in those areas. admit the mistake, repent, and move on.

December
all i really remember is finals and studying pretty intensely for the Asian Civilization and Culture final. and, as of less than an hour, i'm back home in Tulsa. got about a week before heading over to St. Louis with Billy to go to Urbana, and we'll be there until the new year.

the gym

first post in a while that's more than just a rant or an update - guess i've been able to do a bit more thinking lately. i kind of feel like Thanksgiving break allowed me to regain a bit more momentum, in terms of getting priorities in order.

i don't usually run at the Huff (the gym at OU), just because when i run, i want to be able to go somewhere instead of going in circles and i want to just be able to think, zone out, not care about what i look like and not care about anybody else looking at me. years ago, running had the appeal in that it was my escape or getaway, and i could just kind of be by myself - solitude.

it got to the point that running in the Huff (or really any gym) was such a turn off that i vowed not to run indoors for my entire sophomore year. i tended to run harder and faster than i normally would when i ran at the Huff, and i was conscious that i usually ended up with judgmental thoughts the whole time (like "i'm so much faster..." junk). recently though, with cold weather, i've found myself logging more miles in the Huff.

i realize that the gym isn't for people who want to show off - that is really missing the point. but it seems that many people, including me, frequently use the gym to show off. (i know people get mad when others go up to the track and sprint laps, as if trying to make a statement or proclamation of speed to everyone else.) a gym, rather, is for people to work out. in other words, it's for work. it's not to show off what you've done - that is ridiculous, absurd. rather, it's to get in better shape, no matter what kind of shape you are in.

in the same way, a school isn't for people just to sit around and brag about how much they know. it's for learning. and a hospital isn't for healthy people to brag about how healthy they are - it's for the sick or injured who want and need to get better. and if these are true, then a church probably isn't for some kind of elite group to meet and shove their spirituality down the throats of others. a church is just like a gym or a hospital or a school - it's not for people to meet and show off, but for people who are looking to get better. just like how Jesus said that He didn't come for the healthy and rich, but for the sick and poor.

[if you ask, "what about the pastor?" i would respond that the pastor can't and shouldn't put himself on a pedestal. rather, he has been given a spiritual gift (of teaching) and offers that gift to others, but can't say that he's more important or more right, just like the hand can't say it doesn't need the foot in the body.]

[if church were simply a place for religious heavyweights to meet and brag about their works or morality, then i wouldn't want a piece of it. and if heaven were simply a place for those who were good enough to meet and bask in their good-enough-ness, i wouldn't want to be there as much as i wouldn't want to be at a hospital where people are just trying to show how healthy and fit they are.]

and i think this is what is hard to grasp, because churches are all too commonly filled with braggarts. but the truth is: God's people are weak. Deuteronomy explicitly states that the people of God were not chosen because they were greater than other nations - it wasn't that they were bigger or richer or in anyway better than all the other nations - it was because they were in fact lesser. it says this very explicitly, and this same idea is later re-emphasized in 1 Corinthians 1 when Paul says God very specifically chooses and uses the poor and foolish to bring down the strong and wise. and part of the reason (but not all of the reason) He does this is so that no one will have the right to brag (this is also Romans 3:27).

but then why is there still bragging? or why do we live in such a way that we seem to be bragging?

i realized on Sunday that i was a bit mad, because i felt like a lot of people were judging me, thinking that i was saying things that i wasn't saying. i even felt this way about other Christians. but looking at Matthew 5's beattitudes, the last one says that one is blessed when one is persecuted and reviled and people say false things about that one for Jesus' sake. verses later, it is revealed that we are to be the light of the world and that a city on a hill cannot be hidden - so we are to continue to show our good works to all and not to hide them from the public eye. Matthew 6 then opens that we should do nothing to be seen by men, but that we should meet God on such a personal level that it can be considered a "secret place."

some things come from this - since i feel judged, one thing i also feel like doing is to show by my works that i am actually not so bad and not so much of a jerk as the title of Christian seems to carry. i feel like doing as much as i can in the public eye so that people realize that i am actually a great guy. but Matthew 6 stops me short, building on what Jesus said before. i am blessed when people judge me and say false things about me for His sake. and i am to continue to be seen by man so that they might see my works and end up praising God. but i am also not to be driven by the idea of being seen by men (just like a gym or school or hospital isn't for showing off). i am to continue to work, but i am to do everything for God alone, and i am not to work to try to change the minds of others.

nostalgia + Thanksgiving update

hey guys. back home in Tulsa for a couple of days, and it feels great just to have a break. i feel like the moment i re-enter Norman, it will be like stepping back onto a war zone - two weeks and then finals. things really have been great - i've tried a little more to hang out more and be dedicated to my studies. it's come at the cost of sleep, though - so much that i keep sleeping until 11 am now that i'm back home (it must be the bed!)

but academically, things have been fine, and i'm looking forward to the next semester as well, because i'll get to take classes like Device Programming (it's iPhone app development), Artificial Intelligence, and hopefully something like Computational Complexity (i'm not sure what it's called). i guess it's been a while since i've really posted anything up here.

things have been a bit hectic lately. EPIC was discontinued and there were tensions in relationships. there were days when i just wanted to quit, when i would feel so emotionally drained and couldn't determine why. there were periods when all i wanted to do for the entire day was play basketball at the Huff at night. i feel like things back in Tulsa actually do push me towards approaching God. there's not much to do at my house, so there are fewer distractions. and this is the place where it all started.

the couch i sit on as i type this is the couch where i fumed, i grieved, i spent hours playing guitar and reading books. this room, this house, this city is where i began to meet God, began to get serious about Him. it seems only natural to pursue, to bring back integrity, purity, for body and life to be sacrifices and offerings of praise.

a bit nostalgic, though. suzi's off to california and ruth is off to houston. sometimes i feel distant from everyone in the youth group, just since i left for college like three years ago (and there's something about Thanksgiving, that you're supposed to just spend it with your family). went back reading through some past notes and just feeling like i want to be a part of something great, a bigger picture, something larger than myself.

mm... doh. this is poorly written. anyways, yes - it is just nice to be back home. been reading and listening to sermons. hopefully hanging out with everyone tomorrow. don't know what i'm going to do tomorrow with all of the shopping. hope everyone reading this can relax!

glory and honor and praise

dear God,

i just want to honor You. i submit my life, my fears and worries and concerns. everything i try so hard to hide and everything i'm so proud of. everything i want to call my own, everything that seems to define me, everything that makes me feel comfortable and important. i submit fragility, stillness, into Your hands, Your plans... God, and i just wish that You would have Your way, that You would develop a gentle, quiet, humble spirit within me. God, that You would just make everything all right for me.

in Ada for a programming competition, i feel strangely small, strangely alone. God, i won't leave You for anything. i wouldn't trade You for anything, i pray. there's nothing like knowing You, nothing like living in Your arms, covered by Your grace, moved by love, sanctified by blood, submerged in grace, captivated in beauty. there's nothing that could describe how much i need You. the human language can't adequately grip how big You are, how much You must have loved, that You could love me. that You could love in my ignorance, in my half-hearted hypocrisy, in my deception and shame and unwillingness. but You've chosen me, transformed me, renewed me.

now please don't stop. don't stop changing my heart, changing the way i think and live, changing the way i act and move and breathe. but rather, breathe in me. let me be fed up about my sin, about my partiality, about wandering eyes and a wandering heart. let me be fed up about complacency, stagnancy, obligations of the law, to be serious and to grip Your freedom. to really strip off everything that hinders and run after You, to be steadfast and diligent, immovable, without complaint, to be a child of light like it talks about in Ephesians. change me, so that i'm like a disciple in the Acts 2 church, so that i'm like the psalmist, that i'm like the worshiper who won't even lift his head towards You because he knows he's small, a sinner.

change me so i might still be a sheep or a prodigal son, but i am deathly aware of my toxic sin, deathly aware that i cannot do this on my own. let my desperation for You be evident - that i don't seek You even out of comfort or conviction, but i seek out of pure necessity. i cannot make it a day, a moment without You. i cannot take a step if You're not there taking it with me, if it's displeasing in Your sight. i cannot risk something that will separate me from You.

silence me, still me, quiet me. teach me to hear Your voice, to follow You in the storm, in paradise, in doubt and worry and when things are tough, when i can barely hear Your voice. it's in Your goodness and Your promises that i trust, Your life that makes my life worth living. i am alive because You're alive, and You're alive in me.

i am not a mistake. i am not chemical imbalances and reactions, a pointless mass of atoms, an animal that came from the earth and will return the earth. i am the son of a living God, one who doesn't deserve any of this, and yet now holds all things. there is nothing i don't have. there is nothing i haven't conquered, for the Spirit who is in me is greater than that which is in the world. there is nothing i can't do...

God, You have made me strong, pure, clean. You have made me new.

nothing else can touch me like You can. nothing else could ever take Your place, could ever shine like You shine.

in Your holy and precious name,
amen.

apologies

i make tons of mistakes. on a daily basis. i used to dwell on mistakes for hours, even days, wishing i could take back something stupid i said or something hurtful i did to someone. every now and then, i will do something particularly wrong or particularly disrespectful, and it becomes crippling.

i know i'm forgiven, by God and usually by the people i hurt, but the truth is... it's hard to feel right. the entire basis of forgiveness is grace. and the entire nature of grace is that it's undeserved. i wronged someone, hurt and harmed them - and sometimes my victims will leave me, and sometimes they come back for more and draw close, as if they see me, know me. as if they're letting themselves be vulnerable again.

on a slightly different note, i know many people who struggled with the fear of hurting people, afraid that each action would hurt someone somewhere. and it became slightly clear that some people will be hurt because of expectations that aren't realistic, and sometimes that's not your fault. if someone gets mad at you for not being a world-class golfer, it's not exactly your fault. if someone puts so much pressure on you to get to med school and you don't make it or don't want to make it, you might have failed that person, but you didn't fail yourself - those weren't your dreams or aspirations, they were someone else's - and honestly, you live your own life.

not to shrug off some of the responsibility and mistakes i've made. there may or may not have been realistic expectations, but i know that i didn't respond as i should have. i made promises and commitments i didn't keep, acted selfishly, ignorantly, lazily. i'm far from blameless. anyone who has known me for a while or has gotten very close to me knows my inconsistencies, that there's no shortage of mistakes and faults that i've made.

and feeling shame in all of these failures and disabilities was the way i lived for most of my life. now that i've begun to walk more with Christ, it's not exactly the same feeling of shame that i feel anymore. actually, i'm a bit more masked to my shortcomings, a little bit more deceived of my own weaknesses. [billy journalled that everyone is broken; the difference about Christians is that they're so open about it, so ready to confess it or even brag about it. a downfall of the church is some who send a vibe that they have everything down because they believe all of the right things... i think that's hardly the case]

maybe there's a reason we should take joy - not in our supposed competence, but in what God has done for us, in the hope we have in Him. it's not like we're not still stubborn sheep - we simply have a shepherd. or it's not like we're not all too commonly prodigal sons - it's just that we have a Father who loves us, tolerates and trusts us, treats us like we're faithful and deserving sons when we're not.

if you're constantly being reminded of how undeserving you are, it becomes easy to feel shame.

why is God important to me?

why is God important to me? and is He as important as He should be?

why do i worship God? is this reasonable to expect from God? is it too much, or too little?

what drives me? what makes me come alive? what do i turn to when everything seems to fail, when i need to let go of stress? what causes me to rejoice? what makes my day, and what ruins my day?

what do i want to be remembered for? what do i want to be associated with?

i guess i ask these questions because it's where our heart is, and i think it really forces us to try to search into God and who He really is. we say that He is loving and caring, that He is the truth, the way, and the life, that He is the great giver and He is sometimes like a King, and sometimes like a Father or a Best Friend. He is perfect and omnipotent (nothing is too difficult for Him) and He is omnipresent and He is not affected by time. He is a Creator of everything, including us, and He is the One who makes people come to life and lay down to death. He's the One who judges us in the end, He's the One who gave everything for us, He's the One who treated us like we were hidden treasures in a field.

and He is worthy. and merciful, completely truth and yet completely gracious.

and yet - do i treat Him like God? or do i exalt myself? do i stand against Him and what He desires for me? or am i all about Him - and completely insistent upon Him having His way and His will even at my own expense and discomfort.

---

i don't think that we are meant to be perfect here on earth. what i mean is this - i think that as long as we are here on earth, we won't hit a point where everything around us is completely good and we never have any worries or concerns again. i don't think we ever hit a point where we can have the right to be complacent or lazy (not to say we can't rest).

i think this idea might be supported by Scripture when it says to be of a contrite spirit and a broken heart, because we are not masked by temporarily awesome circumstances. i think that we will still receive the desires of our hearts, and we can take joy in all things, but we will continue to face adversity and challenge and tension as long as we are here.

why else would Paul compare it to dying each day, to having one's own body crucified? is there not some price that must be paid, some suffering that must occur (even for our own chastening)?

and why else would Jesus say that we are being sent out like lambs among wolves, to be devoured? and why else would He say that we are blessed when we suffer persecution for His name, that we could possibly be counted worthy of suffering for His name?

we live like heaven is here. but what we really wait for is heaven itself, and that glory and rest will be completely unparalleled.

sympathy

i planned it all out. i was going to come here and complain all about my day, about running around all day and working hard and being cheated out of some inalienable right that i deserved, but had been denied. truth is, all i really wanted for people to read this and feel bad for me, to have their sympathies. i just wanted your attention, to exalt myself like i'm better than you.

but that's kind of stupid. and though i feel kind of disappointed or discouraged, i think that coming here and complaining about everything would only make things worse. Paul was known to boast in his weakness, but not that more and more people would see him and give him sympathy. he boasted in his weakness because it was there that he was most useful to God and it was there that he came the most alive. it wasn't that he was a masochist, or even that he had low self esteem and thought that he was always messing up - it was just that he realized that less of him meant more of God.

Paul didn't need people's respect. he certainly didn't need competence, and he wasn't a trained speaker, but he approached people afraid, not knowing what to say, and yet spoke with chilling conviction. considering where he came from, what he became was a simple testament to God's transformation...and to nothing else, especially not himself.

so instead of coming here and boasting in weakness, hoping to win the sympathies of you, i want to do something different.

man, the breeze tonight was incredible. and i got to go play basketball tonight, the first time for a week or two (feels like forever). i have a lot to be thankful. i started a programming job tonight that's super flexible, talked to my sister for a little. been in a lot of cool positions - led my first engineering mentor section today. i have lots of friends who really watch out for me and even push me towards Christ.

You, God...are still loving me through all of this. i can ask of You and receive though i'm disqualified, though i will never be good enough, and You keep responding in love despite my shortcomings and flaws and failures. i will never have to be good enough.. i don't have to worry about finding Him through the law, but i can find Him simply because He has promised Himself to me. i can come to Him on a daily basis - even on a personal level. i can come to Him in all of my pain and stress and even my frustration; i can be real about my doubts and fears and questions and don't have to hide or pretend.

You have never dealt with me in an unloving way. even in Your rebuke and chastening, You are love. there isn't anything You don't know...i won't be deceived, there's nothing hidden from You. that is my joy. You know how i feel, the things i go through, the things i struggle with, and You understand instead of condemning. i don't have to hide when i'm with You. i don't have to be good enough. i don't have to worry about being weird or socially inferior or being so immature that You won't want to put up with me. i don't have to worry about being burdensome, about being too dependent. i don't have to worry about ruining things in an irreparable way. i don't have to worry about things like grades or money or even relationships because God will make sure that everything i need, i have. and that which i don't need... i'll have that sometimes too. i'm glad that God has given joy and life as His fruit. i'm glad He's about peace and about comforting and being like a shelter or refuge during the storm, and that He tells us that we can do impossible things like moving mountains just by believing in Him.

i love that He says that all we have to do is ask in His name, and whatever we ask, we will receive. i love that God is so much bigger than time, so much bigger than my own thoughts or even comprehension, that i cannot fully wrap my mind around Him (what kind of god would that be?). i love that He has taken care of me, and that He is the One who truly sees me and validates me. He's the One before anyone else who singled me out and loved on me, and it's not like i didn't go through tough times like everyone else - but it's that He still pulled me out over them and let me taste life when everything felt like death.

and i love that in my weakness, He is strong. i love that He is making me into a different man, that He is growing me. i love that He is progressing me towards Himself, that He is my own personal Father, who i will never get bored of. i love that He's truth and mercy...and as tough as it is to forgive and not be bitter and be loving towards all and to serve and not be served... i love that it's worth it. i love that running the race yields something beautiful in the end. and i love that this is not a story about me. everything keeps going on without me - i'm not even necessary. good...keep me out of this for a while. God, just let me rest in You. let me get some rest, please.

joys

a little moody tonight, but the promise of joy in the morning actually kinda puts things in perspective. instead of demanding that God come through for me in comfort, i can kinda look back and see that He has already done so much more than enough, that He doesn't have to prove Himself anymore, doesn't have to come through anymore for my faith to be in Him. hasn't my faith been put in the fire long enough that it can stand past circumstances, past even emotions or unpopularity or inconvenience?

today was the first day of classes. one of my brothers in Christ Vincent told me of his past weekend, how he felt so much grace, that God was right there with him, showing him favor. it was honestly so uplifting, the kind of story that makes your day. that put things in perspective too, since i had been moody. but when he asked about OU, i had to say that it has almost begun to feel a bit overwhelming. i am completely wiped out - though i think that has something to do with spending a bit too much time at the gym playing basketball.

i guess i just feel a bit alienated, a bit like i'm fighting a lost cause. i don't know what exactly it is i'm doing. is it now God, anyways, when we go out and do ministry? is it not obviously His power that is at work, and not our own? isn't that our hope?

the thing is, i'm one of the few Christian Asian Americans on campus, it seems. the other ones almost seem underground, like hidden treasures waiting to be found. just yesterday was the student organization fair, in which all of the different organizations grab tables and hit up freshmen... i passed out EPIC business cards and generated little to no appeal over the course of almost two hours. there was a single guy i met who might have been interested... and why isn't that enough? i was so excited just to have that one guy.

and then there's another guy i met who's hindi, and i've been hanging out with him a lot lately. and i'm wondering if God will do something through me - i almost feel like my love is contingent upon that. like i'm saying "i will love you if there's a chance you will end up believing what i believe" and "i wouldn't love you if i knew you really don't care about my God." i really kinda feel this way...um, honestly. i think that's what you would see if you looked into my heart.

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i remember the nights that i had as a sophomore in high school, a peaceful time i phrased an "ideal moment." i would sit on a freshly made bed, just out of the shower, hair wet and jeans baggy, sitting with a devotional book feeling closer to God than i ever had before. i remember early morning runs and overcoming doubts, i remember late night swingsets and running away to the lake in Michigan, lock-ins when we would end up praying for hours on end, and yet it would feel like minutes. i remember the last night of my sophomore year at OU, the last time i played basketball in tulsa, those pivotal moments at Acquire the Fire and in Mexico City and oneThing in Kansas City and the Labor Day retreat in Missouri.

i remember holding fast to the promise, resting my hope fully upon His grace. there wasn't anything i couldn't do, anything that could intimidate me, anything that could hold me down. in a kind of youthful recklessness, i called out and challenged Satan, knowing my God is so much bigger. not even i, but we all, looked forward to Sunday mornings, Friday nights. it was a sort of party or refuge. it was a defining moment.

and God proved Himself, stole me away, proved Himself. proved Himself to be bigger, worthier than friendship with this world. and i am forever ruined.

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gonna catch some sleep before it gets too late. been reading (almost finished!) with a book by John Eldredge called Fathered by God. still in desperate need of buying me textbooks. things are well though. everything's good..

what the world needs (nostalgia)

"don't ask yourself what the world needs. ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

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my future almost comes alive and lies before me like a book. i am simply amazed and blown away at what God has done for me in the past, in bringing me to the very point that i am at. i am grateful for the joyous triumphs i have shared and seen, and still, the painful falls, my weaknesses exposed, my heart abandoned without reservation, without bounds or safeties. i remember being on a swingset one late night at a church retreat alongside my youth pastor, mike, ready to tell him that i don't think he would have liked me a year earlier - that i had changed that much.

i remember running away from home, holding grudges and rebelling. i remember investing myself into things that let down, things that left me hating myself. i remember feelings of failures and worthlessness, realizations that things weren't the way they should have been, wishing i could breathe when expectations pressed so hard, too hard. i remember feeling so lost, so wretched and incapable, so helpless in this world. i felt like the only one who didn't know what he was doing - and it hasn't been so many hours since the last time i felt like this, i'm sure.

i remember the friends i made. late night talks and worship sessions, the slow development of a new Christian, who began to see what it looks like when what you do and what you believe become the same thing. i remember new hope and stability, new life. a purpose, a meaning for being. it wasn't just a community of people who believed in God...it was to feel, for the first time, favor and pleasure and unparalleled love and kindness that i couldn't shake, i couldn't lose or move away from. it was to hear someone saying, "i see you. i understand you. you're all right, i'm going to take care of you"

i changed so much so fast, and the person you see now is nothing like the person you would have been looking at just a couple of years ago. i can truly say that i make mistakes - even a lot - but it's neither my nature nor what defines me. may i take no confidence in what i have done - good or bad - my worth has nothing to do with how much i've succeeded or screwed up. it has nothing to do with how much of a man i may be or whether others think i can play a piano or whether i am deemed worthy of attention. my value has beautifully nothing to do with me.

my second year at OU, i found a great group of friends. at the peak of it, we would spend at least every night together, hanging out, and it would feel like we could talk forever. i realize that i'm grateful to be at OU, because if i was anywhere else, i wouldn't be doing what i am doing - and i love what i'm doing. when school ended, we threw a big party for everyone, and i had been so stressed, but that night, i couldn't help but think that i was the luckiest guy in the world. i had a ridiculously close group of friends and a beautiful girlfriend, and i knew that i didn't need or deserve any of it, but God was giving me more than i could even ask for. that night, suzi pulled me outside in the rain to tell me how much she had wanted to break up with me, and how, for some reason, none of it mattered anymore.

later, we broke up, and it wasn't so much that we didn't care for one another, just that we thought we should focus on God rather than a relationship, especially if we weren't ready for marriage. i'm not sure what the point of this note was, or if i was simply feeling nostalgic, but the thing is - i just can't wait for what God has in store for me ahead. so much He has already given, and yet i really doubt that He is finished with me yet, and that He will continue to give and lead and hold. i want to say that i really can't get over how great His love is, and how He personally answered Psalm 51 for me.

a week from chaos, everything is as simple as this - God has taken my life and rocked it, transformed it, broken and built it, humbled and moved it. i find that just what King David prays for in Psalm 51 - that is exactly how God has responded to me. "wash me, and i shall be whiter than snow. make me hear joy and gladness, that the bones you have broken may rejoice. hide your face from my sins...create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me..." i find that i have never had so much confidence in myself than before. and i'm not sure why, but i feel more like a man than i ever have before

tonight, i couldn't help but feeling like the luckiest guy in the world again. things with suzi are amazing (i feel so honored to be hers) and i ran a great basketball session with a bunch of my closest guy friends, playing better than i should have played. not even a week from what seemed like rock bottom, God is just so good to me, too good, even. the position that i am in makes no sense. people like me should find themselves buried under the pressures and stresses of making something of their lives, alone and cold because it's so hard to let go of failures and mistakes, hurting and broken because it may be so easy to love and forgive someone else, but it's indefinitely harder to love and forgive yourself.

and yet here i am. complete. satisfied.

moulin rouge said the point of life is to love and be loved. and having tasted real love...isn't this what is so beautiful about life? when you allow yourself to be loved, you will wake up one morning or play basketball with friends one night and realize that you are the luckiest person in the world. and having received that love from God, i don't think we can help but love Him with the same intensity, with unrelenting risk and uncomfortable danger. and to find that in this, we come alive

my fragile heart (keep running, writing, believing)

hey guys. doesn't seem like i've written for a while. today was my last day of school, and i'm a bit glad that it's over. it did provide me with structure - i managed to get used to waking up at 8 in the morning and spending time with God before class started at 9:30. when i first found a prayer room in Asbury's Venue 68, the first couple days, i would go there before classes started and returned once i got out. that's also where we began to do most of our Bible studies. and there were lots of studies. Tuesday night guys group, Wednesday night EPIC group, and it was my privilege to get to co-lead with Suzi for her small group for the past two Thursdays.

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who i am today

i wrote that recap a couple of days ago. in two weeks, i'm leaving back for OU for some job training. looking forward to the Labor Day Retreat in Missouri maybe the second weekend of school, and definitely know that things will be a bit intense trying to keep EPIC going with momentum. hoping to meet a lot of new people and grab a lot of lunches (though also to stay on top of my classes...and in relationship with God)

these past couple of days, i've really just been struggling with thoughts. i'm not sure what exactly it is, but it seems like my momentum has been shot down, and some of me is just burnt out and tired, but it's not so much that i'm physically tired. i haven't had much energy or patience with my church lately...it's just kind of that i honestly don't want to be there. it's like i'm not getting fed there. still, at the same time, i don't think i'm really in the position to judge the church. if i'm not happy with it, am i not to step up and do something about it? rather than sit back and criticize. or just change my attitude. where truth is spoken, growth is potential. it just kinda depends on whether the subject is desiring growth.

about a week or two ago, i started reading Wild at Heart for maybe the fourth or fifth time. i've gotten through the first three chapters - or even just the first chapter - for the very first time. i guess it's just a hard book to read. it's even harder to try to watch the supplementary DVDs, because it's always gotten me thinking that John Eldredge thinks that what makes a man a real man is love for the outdoors and farming and knowing how to fix cars and get women to like you, like men have to be adept in fishing and camping and hunting. i realize that Eldredge really isn't saying these things at all, just that men, by heart, enjoy adventure and like a certain level of danger and risk, flexibility and spontaneity in their lives. we aspire for the challenge to overcome, to be the guy who comes through for the girl of their dreams.

i guess i'm writing this post in part because i was driving home from suzi's house wondering what i want. what i want out of life, what i want right now. what i am essentially living for. and the thing is, i had been helping suzi lead twice about relationships, and i kept on trying to echo and live out Paul's commands in 1 corinthians 7 (v 27) about how single men shouldn't look for wives. and how we should be completely content in our singleness - that we shouldn't even realize that we're missing anything until God addresses a need and then meets it, as God did with Adam. and it's like i'm not ready to be in a relationship - there's still so much emotional garbage that i need to take care of that i really don't deal with at all. there's still so much that has yet to be done, that may even just take time, before i should tell a woman that i will be all about her and provide for her and be reckless and fearless for her sake.

it's just hard.

in a world of instant gratification and fleshly desires going haywire, demanding satisfaction - it's hard to make it through a single day. God never said it would be easy, right? well, He still provides the ways out, and so there's no excuse. one important thing in marriage, i think, is to be able to say that you had your parents' blessing to get married. a bigger thing is to be able to say that you had God's blessing to get married. and i hope God would bless my marriage when it comes.

my Bible reading/quiet times have suffered drastically from the initial discovery of the prayer room in Venue 68. i stumbled into Leviticus and got some excitement, but i just feel a little at odds with God right now. i really haven't been praying that much lately, and i just don't really want to go to church on Sundays anymore. my prayers kinda feel like they just hit the ceiling and come down.

what do i desire?

i know the right answer, but i don't know if it really is so true in me right now.

two more weeks to go, and i have no idea what i'm going to make of it. getting into HTML/JavaScript/CSS like i've never done before to put together the EPIC website (i developed one in Flash, but i don't think i'm gonna stick with it). final Bible studies for TCCC guys group and EPIC seem to have a lot of potential, and then some big basketball nights on Thursday and Friday (we just found out about a Korean church where they play basketball on Friday nights)

turn me, o God.

a softness grazes my heart, sweeping across my body. a cold, gentle air surrounds me. worship fills the background as i sit on my couch, the room lit by a single lamp and the haze of the laptop.

God, lift high! hallelujah, You're mine. You are mine.

for the first time in weeks or months, my relationship with Suzi is what it should be. it used to be such a big deal to be able to find God in the mundane for me. today was like that. i think i spent about 3 hours today in a prayer room. i woke up before classes and prayed. i went back after classes and spent time in 1 corinthians.

Suzi and i broke up.

i felt like there was so much weight lifted off of me. it was like all obligation was lifted off of me. worries of being good enough, of whether things were right consumed me, though i can certainly only say that in retrospect. i felt free, finally free.

and still, i kinda struggle. today was a good day, but i feel that on a bad day, i will begin to start questioning, worrying, freaking out about my identity, feeling as if i needed Suzi. and so i hope i don't seek quick satisfaction, the false security of being in a relationship, of being held or whatever. i hope i don't fall to temptation, but that i can present my body like a present to God, something that i could be proud of, something that would say with more than just words that "i love You."

so i hope today will be a turning point. i hope i won't resist the Lord in everything that i do. i hope i won't deny the person that i've become, but i would still turn from those ways, those insecurities, and allow myself to be both affirmed and changed in the Lord. i could really use some confidence. and if there's anything to be confident in, it is the Lord.

i guess this is why the post is called 'turn me, o God.' because i just pray today would be a turning point. Sunday, i walked out of church in the middle of the worship set (i was actually up playing rhythm guitar) because i just couldn't take it. i wasn't sure what was going on, and i felt like i hated who i had become, like i was so bound, so burdened, so obligated, that the very reason of being in relationship had been distorted, forgotten.

i pray i wouldn't be naive or ignorant or stupid about things, but that i could really have a heart for You, God. that i wouldn't require anything of You, that i would follow unconditionally, with my everything. that i wouldn't use You for myself, and that i would really commit to following Your plan, for not seeking a wife, for not filling up desires for affirmation with a girl, for not filling up desires for intimacy with dishonoring touch.

God, please reverse what i've done. i don't want to have caused hurt, for the impurities that i caused to be held against her. God...it's just that i know You make clean again. You make pure again. i know i screw up, still, even when i don't realize it. and i was fully conscious of when i was screwing up. i guess all i can really say right now is that i want to turn from my ways. i want to run back to You, Father, to be wrapped up in Your arms forever, that i wouldn't so easily become calloused and hardened to leave Your side, to forsake Your name, to stab You in the back.

i pray - You've made things all right. You make everything glorious, You make everything new. i'm just as much in need of You today as i was the day i was born, as i was the day i first believed. i need You anew, with my all. and that's it. that's all i need. You'll take care of me, i know You will. don't relent, i pray. just be who You are. i'm going to respond, to run with reckless abandonment again, with foolish faith, with childlike love. restore to me patience, humility, wisdom. restore to me Your presence, energy, life. for Your glory and no one else's, for there is no other God but You, and none save, but You. all others steal, kill, and destroy and deal treacherously with our sufferings and exacerbate our sins. but You set us in the right with You. You pursue us with a valiant fury, and it is our pleasure to be the objects of Your delight, Your love, Your holy and divine romance.

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2 classes at TCC. RA job in the fall means i won't be living in the Christ on Campus house, but will be making money at least - i do feel as though it is God's provision, being able to have the job. praise God - i may be completely covered for the next year of school. EPIC still looking up. TCCC guys group has been simply amazing for the past two weeks, and i'm leading tomorrow night - i pray that it will be something extraordinary, but if God does not give me words, i have nothing to offer. if God does not stir us up and be the center of our attention, we will only have what man has to offer. i don't want to settle for anything less than Him.

two more weeks of TCC, four weeks until i'm back at OU for orientation and moving freshmen in. once school starts, things will again be a blur. being in school right now, though, i can see as a huge blessing. i actually kind of enjoy it, and i enjoy the opportunity so much more than not really having any direction for my day.

how can i be praying for you? comment it and i will.

here're my prayer requests - not to fall into temptation, but to run with a renewed passion and conviction. to respond to God's vulnerable pursuit, and to return in vulnerability, to learn His faithfulness and love, to be convicted of purity and want to give myself blameless and spotless to Him. not to seek a wife.

on a final note - psalm 34.

thanks for reading

untitled

knowing that i'm writing to an audience, no matter how big, has a different effect on me every time i pick up my laptop. the weird thing is, i just feel like crying right now. i feel so close to tears.

i don't know if it's weakness. there have been themes of my Christian life - pursuing humility, integrity, vulnerability. at certain points, i hit each of them (and seemed to kind of fall away afterwards). but i hope i still have vulnerability.

part of it is fatigue, but i can't spit out anything elaborate or eloquent right now, in terms of writing. one would think i should hold to a particular standard of quality, but i just can't right now.

i guess i just feel lonely. i seek consolation. when i was with suzi, i remember holding her hand close to my heart to feel the beat, hoping that she could be able to see me, to figure me out by diffusion. to be close enough for long enough that she would just get me. finish my sentences, dissect my thoughts, empathize with my pains, know the right words to say.

a malicious word right now would just cut my heart.

i want to be different

i guess the thing about Christians is that we're not exempt from the things that everyone else goes through. for the most part, we find ourselves in the same circumstances, temptations, issues, and frustrations as just about everyone, and that's just the result of being in the human race. but if Christians don't live any differently or handle the same situations as those who aren't Christian, then the real question is whether the Christian faith really makes a difference. because if there is no distinction, then faith seems futile.

while that entire first paragraph was all that i intended to write, i guess i'll elaborate a little, so this entry can be more than a couple sentences. i find it a little odd to think that i'm actually the leader of a campus ministry. i'm a leader in my church youth group and i play guitar in our worship band. i've been on several mission trips, even serving as a small group leader. i served as a leader for a high school Christian club, organizing events and leading Bible studies, even speaking at chapel to our entire high school my senior year. i have shown up in random newsletters across the nation and i think i even got a shoutout at a conference in Philadelphia. there are a couple of really cool people who might even look up to me spiritually.

i say what i have not to brag, but to say i think it's ridiculous that i can even be someone associated with the Christian faith, and yet not respond differently to the same stress, pressure, and temptation that everyone else goes through. and that, when no one else is looking, i am all too often a slave to the things of this world and essentially deny God for something else. sexual impurity, hatred, judgment, apathy, complacency. and just because i can put some words together doesn't mean anything, or because i can play a guitar at the front of a church or have been privileged to be in the positions that i've been in. i guess what i'm trying to say is that what really matters is what i do, and what i do when no one is watching, when it's only God and me.

and it's incredible that i can be two different people - someone who has surrendered to God and then someone who is selfish and hardened towards God.

we are supposed to be different. the Bible makes this unmistakable - that we are supposed to be divorced to this world, using unforgiving terms like crucified and dead. we really are supposed to be different. John says that others shouldn't even understand what we are saying or why we do what we do - like we're speaking a different language and they can't hear us.

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can you feel it? it's the shake of a generation that refuses to live according to the patterns of this world, that aren't conformed to what we've been raised to believe and live for. all that was once important is like rubbish if God isn't present. a prestigious degree, career, or salary, a beautiful and fulfilling wife, anything material that one could ask for - this generation would trade it all away for a day in the presence of God. it just takes a day to realize that there's more than meets the eye - just a day or even a single moment for the cry of one's heart and soul to be amplified, to reach the depths of heaven, to receive the touch of God and echo for the rest of a lifetime. just a moment, a glimpse of reality (and not reality like we believe it is), to shatter everything, to see everything else as foolishness and futility compared to running in the courts of God like a little kid with reckless abandon, a ball of energy and joy, amazed at the presence and the majesty and glory of the King, the Father we thought we never had.

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speaking of which, it's Father's Day weekend. i read in the paper that Obama grew up without his dad - his dad left when he was 2, and then he saw him once more in his life when he was 10. i guess i just think that's shocking.

for an update on me, i'm still job hunting (and it kinda stinks because there's only 2 months left in the summer! i can't believe it, and yet it will still seem like so long). i've been messing around with programming (Flash/actionScript), been working with some Bible studies with some exciting results. went on a float trip today and got a bit sunburned, but i think what bugged me more was just being exhausted. 9 mile ride? i didn't think it would be so bad. throw on top an online class (hopefully) at the beginning of july, and i can't wait for the next semester to start. i don't know if i'm going to try to grab a better paying job than tutoring, or maybe i can just up my hours.

anyways, that's it for me. couple of late nights this past week, but nothing too brutal. hope you guys are doing well. leave comments or something!

soft

i feel a little soft now, the kind of mood where you could tell me anything and i would listen, where i play Mat Kearney in the background, feel as if i am on the verge of meaningless tears, seem fragile and delicate, like a flower in a storm or a child lost in a city.

dad, can you hear me? can you even see me? do you even care?

God, save me. i don't want to go to church if i don't see You. i don't want to fall asleep if i don't find myself in Your arms, under Your gaze, lost in Your eyes, lost in You someone so madly in love, that i can't shake You despite my constant struggling and wrestling. i can't make it through the rest of tonight unless i meet You here, unless You reveal Yourself and speak precious words to me and hedge me in that we can finally work things out.

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while sometimes i make things so complicated, in a moment of desperation, nothing could be more simple.

God, i need to know that You're there.

i need to feel You tonight.

i need You closer.

i'm tired and weary - take this burden off of me.

i feel lost and misguided,

disoriented, broken-hearted.

i just need to know You're there.

i want to see You smile over me.

i want to hear You say, "you're my son.

kill the fatted calf, I want to celebrate you.

I love You so much more. I want You so much more.

I'm pleased.

you don't have to do anything more,

be anything more,

know anything more.

just rest in this moment.

just know this.

know that i'm pleased."

and nothing could ever matter more than this. Christianity is either completely wrong and of no importance, or truth and of infinite significance. the one thing it can't be is moderate importance.

confidence

a more formal post i wrote about a week ago. a bit of rambling, but a bit not. no real resolution though

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this past january, i road-tripped with a couple of friends to Dallas for something called the EPIC anthology conference, for EPIC (the Asian American movement of campus crusades for Christ) movements around the central region to get together and urge each other on in their Christian walks. one of the days, we split off by gender and had something called Men's Time for an hour or two, which consisted of a main speaker and then a panel of guys that asked and answered questions regarding manhood.

one of the questions that one of the guys on the panel threw out was "what is something that you wish someone had told you earlier?" like what is something you wish you knew before (fill in the blank) happened.

i've been reading around in Donald Miller's To Own a Dragon and Miller writes that guys who grow up fatherless don't usually get affirmation from their dads. they do not realize that they belong, that they are just as manly as any other guy despite their upbringing, they lack that affirmation and consequently end up confused or insecure or feeling like they are at an impossible disadvantage than from those who grew up with dads.

it's like a hole inside of somebody.

i hope this doesn't come off like a rant or complaint or simple selfishness, but i wish someone had told me that i belonged. that i could be confident, that i could do anything i set my mind to. i wish someone had said, "you know what to do. so just go ahead and do it. it doesn't matter if you're any less qualified than someone else - you know what's right, and you can do it, and there's no reason you can't." instead, it is almost second nature for me to submit to someone else - not to take the lead, but to divert all attention from me and hand up responsibility to someone else.

in basketball, i can be perfectly open to shoot, but it is confidence that keeps me from shooting, even when i know i can sink a shot. it has become completely automatic to think about where i can pass, and so often the thought of being the one who actually scores the points does not cross my mind. in class, i can know an answer, be certain of it, and be unwilling to say anything. in high school, i refused to wear any kind of tie that expressed some bit of individuality - i wore solid colors and stripes for four years because i didn't want to stick out. i wanted to fit in, to render myself faceless in a world of others so eager to make names for themselves. i ate lunch by myself, and hardly cared - i was even amused when people sat down at my table just because they thought i was bothered to be eating by myself...then i just stopped eating in the cafeteria.

this isn't a sob story - or at least it shouldn't be. i don't exactly want your sympathy. i guess i just wish that someon told me i wasn't inferior, that i didn't have to spend my whole life questioning whether i was good enough for anything, overthinking motives and actions, perhaps so secretly concerned about what others thought or saw of me, because no one else seemed to see me before.

suzi told me something i hadn't heard or thought of before last night. we had gone to a couple of talent showcases over the past school semester, and i always left feeling a bit down on myself, stuck between anonymity and wanting to be someone. because i felt like that could be me up there...and yet, i also felt that that would never be me up there. suzi said that it was not that i desired to have the performers' talents, but that i deeply longed for the confidence they exhibited. it might not have even been a desire for attention from the crowd or the excellence displayed - it may have simply been knowing that someone could be so confident in themself.

instead of paying attention in church yesterday, i read through 2 peter twice. a verse caught my eye, before i started thinking about any of what i have just written - "They [those who work against the Lord] are spots and blemishes...having eyes full of adultery and that cannot cease from sin, enticing unstable souls" (2:13/14). and what stuck out were those last three words - enticing unstable souls.

confront me about a math problem, i'll usually back down, even when i know i'm right. political debates, ethical dilemmas, even fouls or outs in basketball...i'll back down. wanna fight? i'd run away before you could do anything about it. and i'd outrun you too. (ironically, the closest thing i seem to have to the popular book Wild at Heart is my running.)

and so... do i have an unstable soul? for i've tasted and seen - i'm certain that God is God, and that He deserves all of me, and i will live my life for Him even if i die trying, because that is how right and true and pure God is. and i may even wait the day when someone holds a gun to my head and asks me if i believe in God and His love, so that i might die for the only thing i believe is worth living and dying for.

but when it comes to other things, especially dealing with myself - i'm so easy to back down, whatever is the opposite of confidence. i will be confident in God, but i'm so easy to put myself down...

---little update---
a couple of weeks into summer. i've felt aimless lows and face-the-giant highs. two Bible studies started, fires stirring up in some friends, peers stepping up to lead studies. quiet times, prayer, going through the minor prophets. two or three days ago, i ran my heart out in the rain through downtown tulsa, getting lost in the process, feeling speed in my legs, putting my body on the line days after tweaking my ankle. at the end, i threw my hands to the sky and thanked God, for i haven't run like that in months. God knows how much i like rain.

nostalgia and futuralgia

been a while since my last post. got through finals week with only a couple scars (well, mentally, anyways) and now i'm back in tulsa for the summer, looking at working with my church youth group, a waitering job at an Italian restaurant (hopefully), and maybe a psychology class at TCC. hoping to change for the better in terms of God - things have certainly seemed a little unstable lately.

over finals week, things got a bit better and a bit worse...i felt the proximity of God, but i felt distance from Suzi. i have a tendency of isolating myself to get to God...i guess that's the only way i really know how to do it. sometimes i simply don't think things through all the way, and i kind of make decisions preemptively based on ignorant observations and motivations. anyways, things kinda exploded and then got better, so that by our very last night, when all of our friends were throwing a party, i stood with Suzi in the rain as she told me how much she wanted to break up to me - and how, for some reason, she didn't. we went inside and took pictures and watched a movie slideshow of a whole year of memories - how we met each other and some of the crazy times that we shared together.

peter drove me back to his place and i remarked how spoiled i am, that God was simply giving me everything i asked for, and then some. peter agreed that i was spoiled, but not spoiled rotten. let me never forget.. the gift is of Him

i guess one thing that i've been thinking about/realizing/reiterating is that i don't have to be anywhere for God to use me. it's absurd to think that i must go somewhere to experience God in a life changing way. while i really hope that peter la is able to go on summer project, i don't think i'll be there. i can finally say that i've prayed about it, but i probably can't say that i've prayed hard about it, because i don't really feel like there's resolution. so i think i'll be here. in fact, after a year of working with Epic at OU, it only seems natural that i should come back home and do the same thing, and it seems strange that i am not plugged in to the Asian American community here in Tulsa. i was wondering - how many people can i share the gospel with this summer? 10? it seems like such a large number at times, and like nothing at other times.

another thing that's been on my mind has been honor and what it means to be able to honor someone. 1 thessalonians says that the will of God is that we should be able to possess our own bodies with sanctity and honor. i want to have given my all and done something, so that when people look at me, they can look at my parents or my girlfriend or especially my God and consider that i must be the way i am because of the way my mom or dad raised me or the beauty of my girlfriend or the love and inspiration of my God. i believe i started catching glimpses of this lifestyle when i entered into a test being able to pray that my grade didn't mean anything, but i wanted to do my best for my God - to bring Him glory and to try my hardest for Him, because He had blessed me to be in that position.

it seems that, for much of the second semester, i had forgotten who i am. an illustration that i was able to share at our last EPIC meeting was how God is like a Father who loves His children - no matter what they do or who they are - no matter how they might fall or screw up. God loves us simply because we are His - we are His children, and no one else's. and though i was able to say that, it didn't find that much application in my life. i was still stressed about my GPA, my future, whether i would be deemed useful to God, or worthy to be used. i spent a great deal of the second semester slacking and a greater deal of that time worrying about what would happen as a consequence. neither my confidence nor my value were securely wrapped up in God.

being back in Tulsa, i am not sure what i have been learning. it seems like God is trying to show me how much work my mom does and how much more i still have to grow to even just be able to help her out instead of making excuses, which i have been doing for a couple of days now. i think He is trying to show me how to reach out in the mundane, in my comfort zone, and to stir up things and take steps of faith. i think He's showing me that He's working in the midst of everything, even though the circumstances might not seem conducive to a lot of spiritual growth. He's showing that He's God and He's holding onto His children and that He has put His Spirit in us so that we cry out for Him, and it is obvious to me even as a spectator in the lives of various guys in my youth group.

i still have some work to do and my room is officially a pit, so i guess i'm gonna get on that, but... here are some prayer requests:

-to pray perpetually - have a praying heart
-to listen! i clearly don't do this enough
-to be humbled and not quick to talk
-to be able to help out my mom with everything, and to have a heart for growth and even criticism/rebuke
-Epic, church youth group Bible studies, trying to reach out to 10 people this summer
-godly relationships, especially with Suzi (especially patience)
-brotherly love, passion! fire! haha...and longsuffering.
-that this summer would be something special, and that i would be changed radically in every way, torn down and built up

here i am; here's my life

strange - it's only 10:48 pm. i sit and type in a dark room, lightened only by the haze from this computer screen, a red 10:48 looking down on me, streetlights peeking through the window. the International House of Prayer (IHOP) prayer room buzzes through my headphones, my girlfriend asleep above me, officially sick as of this morning.

i went downstairs to get some water and saw some of my friends - Grace, Ricky, Steven. it's been so long since i've really just hung out with them. i really miss it.

Ricky told me he was thinking about reading a book called 90 Minutes in Heaven. i'm a bit excited - i wonder what he'll think.

sometimes i feel a bit like a hypocrite, a bit like a pretender. i am starting to put on masks again.

sometimes, when i talk to people, i try to explain what God did for me - that He made it so that i could just be myself, that i didn't have to put on any kind of mask or face or facade. i could just be myself, as flawed and weak and broken as i may be. and the freedom that i try to let others see, i find that i often forget.

i go from one mode to another. in the mornings, i can read my Bible and pray and act spiritual. at night, i am another person when i am with Suzi. i believe i am supposed to bring out the best in her as her boyfriend, or at least help her towards that. i shouldn't be a stumbling block - i shouldn't stand in her way and hinder her growth.

life is worth living.

you know what is strange? the apostles that followed Jesus could rejoice in anything - they even rejoiced whenever they were beaten up and thrown into jail - they had genuine joy and happiness over their sufferings. now, our generation faces probably the highest rates of suicide and depression ever, not being able to find something worth living for, nothing that can make them happy no matter what they had. and the apostles had nothing and were content regardless of it all.

but life is worth living.

Lord, make my heart soft. You see the desires of my heart, the cry of my heart, the tears that can't push themselves out of my eyes. You know my fragility, my frailty, the weakness i try so desperately to cover, that no one may see it. but You have seen, and You have loved me still. Lord, i want to touch You. You are what makes life worth living.

conviction/what i'm learning/EPIC updates

hey guys, hope everyone's doing well. popping up with an update of everything at OU. these past couple of days, i feel like God has really been doing a number on my heart, and it was pretty much completely unprecedented. (if anything, it wasn't precedented by anything i have been doing.)

i'll tell you guys the truth of what happened.

Jonathan was at OU last week for about 4 days, speaking at our large group and meeting with a lot of students, including all of our EPIC leadership and some of my other friends. the Monday he was here, we had a large group meeting in a building that we weren't supposed to get because i turned in the paperwork late. i thought the meeting would go about an hour, but it actually stretched to almost two and a half hours. we had an icebreaker and worship, and then Jonathan had the opportunity to do pretty much whatever he wanted. we had about 11 or 12 people, about 4 of which aren't Christian.

Jonathan pretty much very directly and openly discussed the God of the Bible, making a pretty complete gospel presentation and getting feedback from pretty much everyone there. i caught a vision of the Holy Spirit rushing into the room like the Day of Pentecost, realizing that God could blow everything up for Him at any moment now, that it wasn't beyond Him. Jonathan talked about God desiring relationship with us, God being just, how we should pursue knowing who God is and what He is about before we dive fully into a blind faith. we are not to blindly submit to a God that we know nothing about, but we are to seek what He is all about, and decide for ourselves whether He is worth following each day, whether He is worth giving our lives to.

one of the guys came to a conclusion that, if God judges according to what is right in His eyes, then there is some danger if what is right in our eyes doesn't align with what God thinks is right. later, another of the guys said that the gospel seemed really appealing and that he wanted to hear more, but he said he would feel shameful if he really ended up believing in all of it. later, Jonathan met up with another one of my friends and gave the full gospel presentation again, talking for more than an hour about who God is.

felt really blessed, got a lot of resources, and really felt a lot more confident that something really crazy could happen.

---

for those of you who don't know, i started dating a girl named Suzi (some of you might have met her at Anthology - she plays worship for our EPIC). it's almost been 2 months now, but everything almost broke this past weekend (it was bad). she really got onto me for sexual impurity. after that happened last Saturday night, things really actually took off. it was a kind of conviction that could have only come from the Holy Spirit. my eyes were, in a sense, opened - i could see how far i've strayed from God, that i had become someone that i didn't like being.

because really, my heart for the past weeks or even months hasn't been for the things that God has a heart for. and i know i would have normally been so psyched when Jonathan came and was talking and presenting the gospel to my friends, some of which who have never received the full gospel presentation, but my mind was in another place. i simply wasn't focused.

and i think i'm beginning to realize a bit of what is going on. my heart hasn't been surrendered to God. i still do many of the right things, but i'm not passionate about it, not excited about it. and though i pray "let Your will be done," i'm honestly still very calloused and am pretty much unwilling to let my conduct be dictated by anything besides my own desires. i got to thinking, "why should God speak if i'm really not going to listen? why should He move if i'm not watching?" and i really haven't been waiting on Him, in terms of my conduct.

finally, i am really believing that God has just been waiting to do wonders and really bless me, or at least really reveal Himself to me at great levels (as He has promised), but the thing is that i haven't been paying attention. i haven't been waiting or watching, and so it is like God is waiting for me to get serious about Him before He moves again.

i realized i can't be serious about God without being serious about God's commandments.

and i realized that when you really love someone, you show it by your actions. it changes the way you live.

so God really has been blessing me immensely, and really blessing me now as i try to surrender absolutely everything. i'm more upbeat, and even my thoughts are a whole lot less judgmental. it's like i'm starting to have a heart for the things He has a heart for, like i'm really being changed into somebody different.

our EPIC leadership team is going to be going through a prayer devotional starting tomorrow: http://www.v2rfoundation.org/resources/PastorOh/ThePDL-E.pdf, a 21 day long "project."

things are certainly stirring up. recently, i read a book about the college revival (called Fireseeds), and it has really inspired me to dream. it has been more inspiring that if God moves, it won't matter who i am, and no one will be able to miss it. it's funny that, when it comes to God, competence doesn't mean much of anything...simply willingness. hopefully i remember that. right now, our leadership is composed of about 4 people, and i really hope to just continue to really pursue God and believe that He will reveal Himself in His timing and in His will. and to really wait on Him.

hope everyone is doing well. wanted to throw all of this stuff out there in hopes of encouragement, maybe something to think about, and just to witness that God is all too good to me. OU EPIC is continuing to move, and it is certainly exciting as i have seen 3 guys in particular take huge strides towards coming into relationship with Christ.

thanks for reading :)
david

the crap we do

Jesus' disciples ask Him, "who then can be saved?" and Jesus replies "with man, it's impossible, but with God, anything is possible."

this has been one of the nights that i just want to forget. all the judgment and whatever aside, i want to say that my God is so much greater and bigger and truer than me. never look at me to try to understand who God is, because then you won't have even a slightly accurate picture or conception of Him. i feel almost marred by such a conservative background. when i hear of people going partying and drinking, i'm not going to deny that i almost immediately get a bit uncomfortable. and that's kind of who i am right now, but i really believe that that's certainly not who God is.

i put myself in situations where i hurt myself over and over again. i am like a sheep - i wander into the same trap over and over again, hurting myself, being stupid and drunk and ignorant about it. i don't want to address the facts of anything, i just want to quit and be content in my own excuse for a life. my downfall is porn and masturbation. i fall into it over and over again.

i'm so stupid disqualified. are you any better? i can't say anything, but i wish i could. if i try to condemn you, i only condemn myself, or i only judge myself. i want to tell some people to stop thinking so highly of themselves, to stop putting themselves in stupid, dangerous situations, and the speck is in my eye too. i am so oblivious and unaware to how blessed i am, how everything is a gift, how lowly i really should be, and how undeserving i truly am.

a Christian is not someone who hates another person because they are of a different religion. a Christian is not someone who is ever any better than anyone else because of their religion - and it's such bullcrap for a Christian to even have the word "better" in their vocabulary, because Christianity has never been about being better than anyone else.

a Christian is not someone who hates another person because they may be homosexual and does not hate another person if they party or drink or have sex before marriage. if anything, Romans 1 says that God is angered at our unrighteousness - not us, but our unrighteousness. God is not mad at us - but He is mad at the stupid things that hurt us, the harmful situations we get ourselves stuck in, those things that hinder us and only make things worse, the things that make us believe that we must change because we're not good enough as we are right now. He's mad at the lies that society portrays, mad at the lies that people who need answers end up believing, mad at the way time wastes away when our hearts, so prone to wandering, fall into despair because of the cruelty of the world and because our hearts have forgotten what God's voice really sounds like.

so i want to clarify and say this - i don't care what you do, how you do it, or what you look like doing it. if it ended up hurting you, i hate that thing. if it's drinking, i hate that society has made that kind of abusive drinking cool or popular or fun. i hate the social and societal pressures, the false promises of satisfaction, justification, and fulfillment. are our eyes really so blind? all of our eyes - including mine? can we not see what is hurting us? can we not tell whether something fulfills or not? are we really so helpless that we cannot keep from these paths we said we wouldn't fall into?

finally, i want to come back to this. i believe God so desperately because i need Him. i need someone so much bigger than me, so much truer than i can comprehend, so much larger that my life means more than what i can understand. i need Him to love me when i don't deserve it - because i know what a failure i am already. i need someone who stays faithful to me when i am certainly not faithful to me. i need Him to be there for me every step of the way, even when i start running away from Him. that's what i need. love and grace and truth and joy and purpose. that's why i believe in God, and there's no other real reason. take away my God, you take away my life. to live is Christ - there's nothing else without Him.

honor + random epic

went to church yesterday night and the pastor there was talking about the importance of honoring others in relationships. i guess i have sorta forgotten the big picture of the sermon - i think that God's blessings or work in our lives is somewhat of a response to the level of honor in our relationship with Him and with others - but there was one thing that stuck with me. the pastor said that if we declare spiritual truths, then there should be a level of physical evidence. even if it's trying and failing or struggling and falling miserably, there's still some sort of evidence of that spiritual truth in one's life.

at the end, the pastor asked people to stand up if they felt they had had an unhealthy disconnection with a previous church, in which they had not honored those in their positions. even if they had been mistreated or abused in some kind of way - or even if they themselves had been dishonored - these people were asked to stand up and commit to honor and reconcile those from their old churches. i didn't stand, though i really could have. i am not in the greatest position of honoring those in leadership at my old home church.

i got to thinking more, and it started hurting. if i declare a spiritual truth - like i want to have a loving heart posture towards a person - then there should be some kind of physical realm evidence of that truth. (if not, then you're basically looking at a hypocrite) and so i look back and am reminded of my struggling or broken relationships and what the pastor said makes sense. it was a lack of honor that led to that brokenness or that disconnect. and maybe it's honor that is going to reconcile what has been broken.

in the grand scheme of things, i guess it really doesn't make sense to let things stay broken. i don't really want people to be mad at me and to be justified in their anger or frustration. i know i've hurt people though. i have cut down people close to me and been a blind idiot to those extending love to me.

---

things here at OU have been all right. i guess there's a lot of running around and some being tired. there's not that much here that is truly exciting. the thing that i could be most excited about is EPIC, but this semester really has been kind of rocky. we did large groups every other Tuesday for a while and then just got started with small groups this past week. things are certainly different - but that's good (in a difficult kind of way). it'll keep up us on our toes. we're close to being a university-recognized organization, which means we can rent out rooms and do some tabling.

i've thought about this for somewhat of a while, and i think that i really desire for EPIC to be a fellowship filled with people who don't care about EPIC. the only reason i guess we are even on campus is because we may be able to serve and reach out to people in the Asian American community at OU. but beyond that, we really don't matter. who cares if someone is loyal to EPIC? what matters is how they are doing with God, and EPIC doesn't have a monopoly on anything. we're not a social group focused on or striving to be exclusive or recognized. what matters is whether we can aim people towards Christ or not.

the New Testament + pain

central to Christianity is the idea of grace and that righteousness...rightness with God...comes from faith - by grace through faith. and central to the idea of grace is that it is not earned. so central to Christianity is the idea that being right with God is not earned, not something that we deserve.

when you see Christians walking around, you can call them out on it. ask them if they deserve their salvation, their lives. any good thing - ask them if it is their own or a gift. ask them if they have gotten to where they are because of what they've done or because what He's done.

an interesting thing is who i really am. my heart is easily distracted and disillusioned. i am quick to feel my own shame and disgrace, quick to be discouraged and focused on other things. my real faith is small and hesitant, my hands dirty, my mind unclean, my body prostituted to other gods. i am selfish and often hype myself up. i do not see myself as soberly as i should sometimes. i am cocky and believe i don't need God. then i am foolish and seek Him for my own gratification.

does not God know and see all of this, all that is in my heart? nothing is hidden from Him. one of the Psalms reads that He knows our very nature - He knows that we are made of dust. He understands where we are coming from. and if that didn't stop Him from giving everything away for me, i think it foolish that all of these things should stop me from giving everything away to Him. if He didn't disqualify me, how can i disqualify myself? if He already suffered and bought me and purchased me with His blood, is He not now alive? and are we not His, then?

i think that God knows how much we fall short and how much pain we can cause. it's funny thinking that God didn't die for us when we were at our best. when He died, He died for all of us. our best and our worst - what's beautiful about us and what's ugly about us. He's bigger than our shortcomings. and i really believe that He couldn't care less about our shortcomings.

by the law, we have no redemption, no hope. if you only had the Old Testament, all you would have is something telling you how you have strayed from the commands of God. when Jesus came, He brought forth a new covenant, or testament, and with that New Testament comes grace, hope, redemption. with that, our shortcomings suddenly became nothing. while there had been a chasm between us and righteousness, that gap had been bridged by grace, a free gift.

so if we are worried about hurting Christ, i think there is something wrong with that picture. the hurt has already taken place, it's behind us. God wants us and longs for us in remarkably ridiculous ways, but it is not like He cannot take the pain we cause Him. that doesn't mean we should take as many stabs at Him as we want - that's really not any kind of point i want to make. but i think it means that we don't have to worry about being too bad or too painful for God to want, pursue, or handle. besides, He knew what He was getting Himself into when He sacrificed it all, and He still went through with it. and He didn't go through with it begrudgingly. He wouldn't have done it if He didn't want to - and the result of His doing it? so that you could know Him and have Him.

---

things have been going well. was in Dallas this past weekend for the EPIC central conference. got a lot of rest, had a great time with my friends from OU and some of my old friends from project. really enjoyed small groups, the worship, and the speaker - and i am not just saying that. coming back, i'm a little more sluggish than i should be. i have forgotten to honor God in my schoolwork - to be holy in literally everything that i do.

in terms of Epic - it's nice. we're coming up on the point where we, again, have no real idea what to do. hopefully we can just get small groups started again and pursue God together. i'm not sure how much real growth we've been able to do since the beginning of last semester. or perhaps it's something that has a lot to do with personal initiative. anyways, we are very close to being able to turn in our application to be a student organization, and we are planning on introducing a community service component to the organization. the weather is great, so we will hopefully be able to have some more prayer nights.

may i never forget to dream impossible things. as adidas said it, impossible is nothing.

anyways, hope you guys are doing well. valentine's day coming up, weekend closing in fast. need to get some homework done - i'm at tutoring right now. getting more mileage though, lately, with the good weather. let's see what happens :) go for broke.