here i am; here's my life

strange - it's only 10:48 pm. i sit and type in a dark room, lightened only by the haze from this computer screen, a red 10:48 looking down on me, streetlights peeking through the window. the International House of Prayer (IHOP) prayer room buzzes through my headphones, my girlfriend asleep above me, officially sick as of this morning.

i went downstairs to get some water and saw some of my friends - Grace, Ricky, Steven. it's been so long since i've really just hung out with them. i really miss it.

Ricky told me he was thinking about reading a book called 90 Minutes in Heaven. i'm a bit excited - i wonder what he'll think.

sometimes i feel a bit like a hypocrite, a bit like a pretender. i am starting to put on masks again.

sometimes, when i talk to people, i try to explain what God did for me - that He made it so that i could just be myself, that i didn't have to put on any kind of mask or face or facade. i could just be myself, as flawed and weak and broken as i may be. and the freedom that i try to let others see, i find that i often forget.

i go from one mode to another. in the mornings, i can read my Bible and pray and act spiritual. at night, i am another person when i am with Suzi. i believe i am supposed to bring out the best in her as her boyfriend, or at least help her towards that. i shouldn't be a stumbling block - i shouldn't stand in her way and hinder her growth.

life is worth living.

you know what is strange? the apostles that followed Jesus could rejoice in anything - they even rejoiced whenever they were beaten up and thrown into jail - they had genuine joy and happiness over their sufferings. now, our generation faces probably the highest rates of suicide and depression ever, not being able to find something worth living for, nothing that can make them happy no matter what they had. and the apostles had nothing and were content regardless of it all.

but life is worth living.

Lord, make my heart soft. You see the desires of my heart, the cry of my heart, the tears that can't push themselves out of my eyes. You know my fragility, my frailty, the weakness i try so desperately to cover, that no one may see it. but You have seen, and You have loved me still. Lord, i want to touch You. You are what makes life worth living.