glory and honor and praise

dear God,

i just want to honor You. i submit my life, my fears and worries and concerns. everything i try so hard to hide and everything i'm so proud of. everything i want to call my own, everything that seems to define me, everything that makes me feel comfortable and important. i submit fragility, stillness, into Your hands, Your plans... God, and i just wish that You would have Your way, that You would develop a gentle, quiet, humble spirit within me. God, that You would just make everything all right for me.

in Ada for a programming competition, i feel strangely small, strangely alone. God, i won't leave You for anything. i wouldn't trade You for anything, i pray. there's nothing like knowing You, nothing like living in Your arms, covered by Your grace, moved by love, sanctified by blood, submerged in grace, captivated in beauty. there's nothing that could describe how much i need You. the human language can't adequately grip how big You are, how much You must have loved, that You could love me. that You could love in my ignorance, in my half-hearted hypocrisy, in my deception and shame and unwillingness. but You've chosen me, transformed me, renewed me.

now please don't stop. don't stop changing my heart, changing the way i think and live, changing the way i act and move and breathe. but rather, breathe in me. let me be fed up about my sin, about my partiality, about wandering eyes and a wandering heart. let me be fed up about complacency, stagnancy, obligations of the law, to be serious and to grip Your freedom. to really strip off everything that hinders and run after You, to be steadfast and diligent, immovable, without complaint, to be a child of light like it talks about in Ephesians. change me, so that i'm like a disciple in the Acts 2 church, so that i'm like the psalmist, that i'm like the worshiper who won't even lift his head towards You because he knows he's small, a sinner.

change me so i might still be a sheep or a prodigal son, but i am deathly aware of my toxic sin, deathly aware that i cannot do this on my own. let my desperation for You be evident - that i don't seek You even out of comfort or conviction, but i seek out of pure necessity. i cannot make it a day, a moment without You. i cannot take a step if You're not there taking it with me, if it's displeasing in Your sight. i cannot risk something that will separate me from You.

silence me, still me, quiet me. teach me to hear Your voice, to follow You in the storm, in paradise, in doubt and worry and when things are tough, when i can barely hear Your voice. it's in Your goodness and Your promises that i trust, Your life that makes my life worth living. i am alive because You're alive, and You're alive in me.

i am not a mistake. i am not chemical imbalances and reactions, a pointless mass of atoms, an animal that came from the earth and will return the earth. i am the son of a living God, one who doesn't deserve any of this, and yet now holds all things. there is nothing i don't have. there is nothing i haven't conquered, for the Spirit who is in me is greater than that which is in the world. there is nothing i can't do...

God, You have made me strong, pure, clean. You have made me new.

nothing else can touch me like You can. nothing else could ever take Your place, could ever shine like You shine.

in Your holy and precious name,
amen.