knowing that i'm writing to an audience, no matter how big, has a different effect on me every time i pick up my laptop. the weird thing is, i just feel like crying right now. i feel so close to tears.
i don't know if it's weakness. there have been themes of my Christian life - pursuing humility, integrity, vulnerability. at certain points, i hit each of them (and seemed to kind of fall away afterwards). but i hope i still have vulnerability.
part of it is fatigue, but i can't spit out anything elaborate or eloquent right now, in terms of writing. one would think i should hold to a particular standard of quality, but i just can't right now.
i guess i just feel lonely. i seek consolation. when i was with suzi, i remember holding her hand close to my heart to feel the beat, hoping that she could be able to see me, to figure me out by diffusion. to be close enough for long enough that she would just get me. finish my sentences, dissect my thoughts, empathize with my pains, know the right words to say.
a malicious word right now would just cut my heart.
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someone trying to make it through this world. not inflated, not fake, not trying to be anything more than myself. these are my true stories of struggle, inconsistency, and heartbreak, not to mention success, revelation, and glory. i'm trying not to hold anything back, everybody deserves to know the real me.
- D. Chang
- "Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts"
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