i'll hold my breath

hey guys. sorry, i'm a little out of it. nothing deep right now, just...surface level emotion.

today was a long day. i probably shouldn't complain about my day, it's just...been longer than usual. physically taxing. American Federal Gov at 9, alarm went off at 8:40 and i woke up at 9, so i got there in time for what was important. Calc at 12, feeling kinda dead. wandered around for about half an hour looking for a piano, then finally settled down to actually do my homework for my 3 o'clock class (which, in a semi-funny way, actually isn't due until next week. it's funny because i've been slacking or having difficulty understanding the material and i actually figured this stuff out...a week before i needed to). Applied Logic from 3 to 4:15. Digital Design Lab from 5 to 7. Math 3113 Test Review Session 7 to 8:20. Running 8:30 to 9:10. CRU 9:10 to 10:30, i guess that was the highlight. i was torn between going to a prayer thing from 11 to 12 and going to play basketball.

i had gone to the prayer thing last week (and actually blogged about it, it should be about two back), so i ended up going again, and it wasn't the same. i knew it wasn't supposed to be about feeling, but i still wasn't happy to be there, so i left because i didn't want to be there pretending like it was the right thing to do when i just didn't want to be there. so i went and caught one game of basketball before the gym closed. now i gotta go play piano for a guitarist.

i don't know. i just feel lonely. i used to write up here things that pertained to my life, it was like catharsis or emotion on paper, it was a way of getting my thoughts out of my head. we sang Blessed Be Your Name in CRU today, and i only smiled when it said "Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me, when the world's all that it should be" because as much difficulty as i go through, i know that i'm still gonna have a time to look forward to when things flow like harmony.

i guess my faith is a huge part of my life, it really does get me through each day. so much of my life has changed because instead of defining myself by failures, shortcomings, or short lived success, i began to be defined by who God said i was, and the challenge of much of my Christian life was trying to see this and be this person that God insisted that i was. when we were at the oneThing conference, the last night, i prayed things over Billy that i had never ever prayed before.

those actually weren't my words. they were God's words. telling him that there was actually no shame, no guilt, no reason for disappointment in him. that God had died for that reason, that in Him and by His love, there is no condemnation for those who believe in Him. those who have this hope in Him purify themselves, just as He is pure, reads a verse from 1 John. i prayed that he wouldn't be upset, he wouldn't get down on himself if he wasn't feeling it. because even if he wasn't feeling it, he was still so loved, and there was no reason that he should get mad at himself for not feeling it. because God's love is so sufficient, it didn't even matter. rather he felt it or not, there was and is nothing wrong with him. nor will there be.

there will be time for apologies and stumbling and getting back up, but that's it. you say you're sorry and you move on. it's over. the Bible says that God will have washed Israel so clean that people will look for Israel's sins and wrongdoings and literally not be able to find them. their sins will be removed from them as far as the east is from the west. as white as snow. there is nothing wrong with you. that, i believe, is what God is saying.

and that really is the hope of my life. that really is how i've gotten to be who i am. believing that God has defined me, and that God's love has set me free and set me in the right. there's nothing else. it was nothing on my part. it was God.

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man. lots of tests coming up, lots of stress. i really need God to be real. i need Him to be the stake of my life, for time and this world move like crazy, and i'm lost as long as i have forgotten He who is greater than this world, who is bigger than my imagination, the air that i breathe and the circumstances i lose sleep over. in fact, He's bigger than sleep. and that is great, because i need Him to be bigger than sleep.

there will be a day when i don't live off of sleep, but i live off of God. haha, and that day might be fast approaching. less than three weeks of school to go.