shattering clarity

hey guys. things have turned out interestingly. two weeks left to summer, and God is working more and more in me. today has been a little...troublesome or difficult. just my thoughts. i guess i'm being a bit of a jerk in my thought life, or God has opened up my eyes to see more sin within myself. but in all honesty, i really don't think i'm being deceived when i say the following lines.

God has really blessed me lately. a couple weeks ago, i began praying that i could be faithful to God and that i would have passion for Him. i think about a month ago, i was going to all of these campus ministries because it was a very Christian thing to do and it had become ritualistic religious practice and, among other reasons, i felt unfaithful to God. well, i really think He's answered my prayers, and more and more, i come to see how blessed i really am. things might not be perfect in my eyes, but perfection is hardly what i'm going for. for God to abide in me and me in Him, to get to be a descendant of Abraham, to be faithful to God to the point of foolishness and death, is what i'm going for. to delight in His statutes and move mountains by faith and die daily and slip outside of the public eye...that is what i should be going for.

still, more and more, i find myself seeming to slip. i catch myself saying things incredibly idiotic and arrogant and thinking things that can hardly be considered Christ-like... i don't know, but even sin should just press me on more towards Christ.

i guess these are huge bounds though. with the prayer night last week in the background, it seems like i am beginning to lean more on Christ, to spend time with Him in prayer, though i admit my time in the Bible hasn't been very consistent. i guess i could definitely use some change, though it seems like i've been brought so far already.

but God moves around me and continues to draw me near though i seem to be half conscious and half honest when i talk to Him some mornings, threatening rebellion and forgetfulness. but i guess i really can't forget. let me not be disillusioned either. two weeks to go and we'll see how things go at home. looking for more consistent quiet times and anticipation of a trip to San Francisco, perhaps all too hopeful (, as well as more piano and more running). and honestly, it'll be interesting to see. i really can't wait for the next fall semester, because i really think big things are starting to happen. let me not compromise dependence, but in humility, seek after One and only One.